The bus date.

There’s something unusual that happened to me on my bus ride back to Bangalore and it was just as unexpected as an A on my school report card. Sigh, that never happened. Of All the 12 years that I studied in school; I never managed to score above B+. I was an average student but that doesn’t make me an average brain and an average person, does it? Well, my dad thinks it does. Actually, I guess he goes one step further and its not only him but almost all who were born in the early after independence era in India believe in the power of education. Ohh well, we’ll get to that. Now where was I? Ahh yes, the bus ride back to Bangalore. Its a story worth telling and I’ll most probably move to dialogues somewhere down the line. I get bored of narrations these days.

If I didn’t already mention I was super excited that I was coming back home. My flat that is. I’ve grown very fond of it and it seems like the safest place for me. No tormenting notes on how I need to study. No sarcastic comments on how I need to exercise. No anecdotes about how good the other kids are. God damn it – I don’t wanna fucking change, alright? So yeah, when I’m here it seems as if though no one can bother me. I like being here even if it makes me an antisocial rather nocturnal mammal who comes out only at night to feed. Now whom do I sound like? A vampire or a bartender? Whoever. I was happier than usual about boarding the bus back and I rushed to the bus stand as early as I could on the 3rd. On my way back, I did contemplate the fact that my actions could have hurt my mom and sister but then, there’s a limit to the amount of word lashes I can take. I’m usually never lucky when it comes to such situations. Like the guys in the movies? They always seem to get the best seat. The one adjacent to the heroine. The pretty one I mean. I’ve endured some horrendous people the last couple of times that I’ve taken to a long bus journey. I was scared of a similar situation this time.

You know what pisses me off? Its not that I don’t get seated to the best girl in the bus. Its just that I get seated to the worst person ever! This happens almost all the times. Its most usually a fat bugger (much fatter than me) who eats like a pig, laughs like a maniac and snores like an angry bull! I was hoping… praying if I remember right. Please lord, I’d be happy if no one sits next to me but let it not be a fat, snory bastard. I’m fat and it just makes the whole seating arrangement uncomfortable. Abhi and me were waiting at the bus stop; bird watching as usual. We oogled at a few girls, some good and the others weird. Abhi has a weird choice when it comes to women. Or maybe I have a weird choice *winks* Here is when I noticed this orange-topped, jeans clad, slippers on feet and kajal in eyes girl walk across the road with her family. She was cute, not the cutest I had seen but cute nevertheless. She looked like someone I like a lot. Quite a few pimples on her face, most of them fading off but still there. Specks, cute ones at that. She had this odd green bagpack and she had a constant smile on her face. By this time I got Abhi to leave and hoped for the best.

The bus arrived 15 minutes late and I was the first one to board it. She was right behind me and we got our stuff loaded into the bus’ belly. I was on seat number 13 and I settled down. I guess she was seat number 8 or something. Not sure but she sat in the seat adjacent to the one in front of me. Simply put, I could see what she typed on her cell phone when sent out those many happy new year messages. Now what kinda sick freak would do that, nay? What the hell? I’ve got eyes alright? And I see things. There’s no stopping that. Halfway down and at Swargate, I noticed that there was no one next to me. I was thrilled and I whistled a bit. Thats when mom called and we discussed about the bus ride in malayalam. She turned back, looked at me and smiled. After which she proceeded to untie her hair and call someone on her phone and yeah, she spoke in malayalam; as if to tell me something; or so I thought or hoped even. I also noticed how easy it was for two chicks to kick start a conversation because she started chatting up with the girl who sat in the seat in front of her. How easy is that? Talking to random strangers that is. Doesn’t it take time? I thought. Or maybe its female bonding. Here is where lightning struck the both of us. First her and then me. This fat dude in his late 50’s ran in and bounced around his seat before finally rebounding onto it. He could hardly fit in and fiddled around with his luggage trying to push it into all corners of the bus. His suitcase worried me because he had strategically placed it to my top right from where it’d give me a mole on my head anytime the bus swerved. She had a sick look on her face as he sulkily spoke on his phone to someone about how he hated traveling in buses. I praised the lord that I was still alone. Next stop – entry into Pune-Bangalore highway, the Katraj cut and here is when misfortune found me. The next fat dude in his late 20’s thus stuck on his phone in ultra loud marwadi came pounding in through the door and jumped into the seat next to me. Pfft, what rotten luck I thought and slumped into my seat music blaring into my ears trying to avoid whatever the fuck it was that he was saying on his phone. He spoke so loud that it annoyed the entire bus and I was hoping that the bus driver would throw him out. Gujju, Marwadi and other north Indian languages are just as annoying to me as my language, malayalam is to them. Its like a mosquito in your ears that’d beeeeeeeeep non stop on a fanless night.

There was this messy family that got into the bus too. It wasn’t actually the family that was going to Bangalore, it was just the daughter of the house and thus the entire family was there to witness her awesomeness. They hugged and kissed her so much that I thought she’d need a shower. Her mom wasn’t ready to leave the bus and I cursed my luck for it was getting late. This girl was funny looking cause she wore a pullover and track pants. So the women next to her asked, “So you going to play for the state or something?” and she says, “No, I am not” then the woman, “You look like you’re going to play and all that…duh!” she gives the woman a ‘god damn you look’ and says, “Nah, just… style hai!” and I’m sitting there wondering to myself about why god has to do this to me! Why wouldn’t the bus just leave? To add to all this, the driver loves the song ‘Hum to thehre pardesi.. saath kya nibhaooge..” he repeated it a few times and I nearly had a nervous breakdown. We finally moved and the fat fuck next to me called the bus-boy aside and discussed his chances of moving to the seat behind us – what luck!! Those seats weren’t taken until Kolhapur and he dragged himself onto seat number 18. Here is when the girl I was talking about spoke to the bus-boy and from what I could make out, I guessed that she’d be coming next to me. Damn! the gods must be crazy today, I thought. She got up, and said, “Excuse me…” and gave me the ‘move your fat ass’ look. I was kinda lost in thoughts and hadn’t noticed her come next to my seat. I obliged and she sat next to me. We didn’t talk for a while. I pretended to be lost in reading the book I had and she continued with her sms’ and many phone calls. The bus sped on and out of Pune. I didn’t quite notice her since I was consciously trying to avoid a conversation. I get funny during such circumstances. She began talking..

She: Malayali ano? (You a mallu?)

Me: Ade, Malayali ano? (Yes, you a mallu too?) I mean, what kinda stupid question was that?

She: Ella… (No)

Me: Pinne? (So..?)

She: I know malayalam and I speak Tamil, we’re from Pallakad.

Me: Ahhh, thats why.

She: Enikyu seats shift cheyyandi vannu… ayalude phone samsaram sahikyan vayya, pinne seat ayalku pora, appo sthalam vittu kodutu (Had to shift my seats, his phone talks got annoying and he needed the whole seat, so left it for him)

Me: Hmmm, toni enikyu (I thought so) Ende adutu irinne aalude idu tanne ayirinnu kuyappam, pashe ayal pinnilite seatilkyu maari (The guy who sat next to me was similar, but he luckily moved behind)

She: Guess we can get back to English now?

Me: Don’t quite mind whatever.

She: So, you from Pune? Or Bangalore?

Me: From Pune, working in Bangalore.

She: HP?

Me: How did you know?

She: Noticed your bag when you climbed the bus.

Me: Yeah, HP. What about you?

She: Ohh, I’m studying and I work for animal welfare.

Me: Nice! So what were you doing in Pune?

She: I’m from Pune. Moved to Bangalore a few years ago. Couldn’t manage an engineering seat in Pune.

Me: Ohh, Engineering? Heard thats fun.

She: Dunno, just wanna get over with it.

Here, the conversation slowly died out and I continued with my book, music and random thoughts of how my rotten luck had changed for the day. I think I dozed off and woke up with a jerk when she patted my shoulders. “Tea?” she said. “Yeah, have we stopped?” I asked sheepishly. “Thats why I asked, lets go, everyone else is off the bus. You need to move for me to get out of this seating arrangement. This is so uncomfortable!” We got up and walked out to the dhaba we had stopped at for tea and bathroom related activities. We had a quite tea break and didn’t speak much. The journey from there to the next stop for dinner seemed to have flown by. She was a chatterbox and would just not shut up. In the cute kinda way, I’d add. We spoke about food, music, education and politics. I guess she was taken aback and turned off by my apathy towards the subject. I mean, what the hell? I don’t give a fuck. Dinner was good and she continued blabbering about her countless little tips on bettering the world. I’m a good listener and thats what I did on most of the occasions. Except for the regular wise inputs which she seemed to relish and that would just mean that she’d dig further into the subject. The best argument was on why education is over-rated and she sounded like my dad sometimes. Anyway, big deal; I offered to help her securing a job after she finished Engineering, heh.

Here on, sleep was ruined for all of us in the bus because those couple of fatso’s decided to play ‘Who snores louder’ MAN!!! snoring is the most annoying thing ever, I tell you. I relied on my mp3 player to get over the night. We got talking again for a while when we stopped for re-fuelling and she needed to use the restroom. So I walked with her and had to wait outside the ladies restroom. It was an awkward feeling, but I thought it was worth the trouble. We hadn’t bothered asking for names, but I picked up that her name was Swapna from one of the phone called she received. We somehow managed to doze off and it was around 7 when I opened my eyes and we had nearly reached Majestic. She was tying her hair and wished me the most pleasantest greeting ever! “Good morning! I’m so happy that you didn’t snore…” and we shared a laugh! That was just about it. I picked up my bag and she picked hers up. We walked out, got our luggage. I turned around, tilted my head a bit to say good bye and walked into the waiting auto. No names, no keep in touch, no nothing. Don’t ask me about what it was that I was thinking. But then, some things are better best forgotten. I’d always remember the day luck shined on me. An awesome bus date. God bless the cutey.

-Anup

The last month – year 2008

I’ve been shying away from doing what I think I do best – write and express. Reasons unlimited; but one of the main culprits being my lethargy. Usually, I don’t need to try when I wish to express myself in words. I open up an instance of notepad.exe, place my fingers on the keybee and lo! I’m off. Typing away all the words I never knew off. Actions and emotions seem to flow out of my fingers in perfect sync and harmony, ready to be presented to the data hungry world online. Now I know very well that no one cares about happy times. They want depression, anger, hatred and heavy words. Simple instances of beauty, humility, modesty, friendship and others aren’t relished by the masses and I’m lucky that I write for myself and no one else. I sometimes wonder about journalists and all those who write for the mob. It’d be so difficult to satisfy the masses. I was so excited about the long vacation that I’m living right now that I didn’t feel like writing anything. I just wanted to get out of my flat and come here, Pune. I thought I’d suffer but whats this new feeling all about? I feel super good! Especially since I realize every second that passes by that she is out of my system. M.G road no more brings back old memories. Pune Central does not bring back flashbacks that pull the skin out of me. It all feels new and just like any other city. It feels like… re-incarnation.

Some parts of last month; December that is, it seemed like my life was fast forwarded and some other times it felt like I was living bullet time. I remember being hyper excited about going to Pallakad and attending Ratheesh’s wedding. Duh! and suddenly its two weeks and more past his wedding. I attended all the three weddings and one chilly reception. I’ve traveled a lot and I’ve been sick and coughy these past few days. Pune does that to me. I’ve never managed to adapt to Pune’s climate; even though I’ve lived here all my life. Bangalore seems to suit my health. I hardly fell ill when I was there. Thats like an entire year! I’ve been in Pune for almost two weeks now and I’m sure that I’ve been sick for 8 days out of the 14 odd days. Its alright though cause I spent most of my time with mom and Sneha and they’re super happy that I wasn’t out. Other landmarks achieved in December – Abhi and Muiz are not single anymore. Sigh. Muiz, well, doesn’t matter much to me – him getting married. He didn’t give a fuck about the friends he supposedly has anyway. Shaista is an angel and I’ve known her from the time I’ve known Muiz. She’s been there with us on almost all our important occasions and she’s an awesome woman. Muiz is a lucky dog! God bless the both of them. Hmmm, bless Shaista more though. Muiz is an ass! Abhi and his woman seem like a match made in heaven. I don’t want to jump ahead of my shoes right now but from whatever I have seen, he couldn’t have found a better girl. She’s just as angelic! God bless the both of them too.

I’d want to write more about my stay in Pune but like I said, there wasn’t much that happened except for the weddings and home. I wasn’t relishing the idea of being stuck at home on New Years, but then, I was sick out of my throat, lungs and other important organs so I just couldn’t move. Its then that it dawned upon me that I have bronchitis and I shouldn’t take cold lightly. Yeah, so thats how I spent new years, watching TV and hoping for the best. Other highlights – I met school friends – Rakesh, Nishant and Deepak. I visited burger king for like the first time ever! Seemed like these guys were frequent visitors there. The other thing I noticed was that a girl perched on the rear seat (consider a bike) unavoidably increases your travel time from point A to point B. It took us around 35 minutes to reach a spot in the city which I used to take an hour to accomplish when she was clinging on, talking into my ears. I also met Neha and that was a hell of a lot of fun because she talks a lot and I like people who’d talk without thinking too much. She and me used to chat a lot when we’d be partnered together in school. She hasn’t changed a lot; except for the degrees, added female attitude, beauty and the scarf on her face. Well, yeah, its a Pune thing. Every girl with a bike would have a scarf on her face. Its protection and style in one scarf. Duh! Short notes on my stay in Pune –

– Attended Abhi’s wedding.
– Attended Shaista’s wedding. Muiz, you suck!
– Attended Shaista’s reception. She looked gorgeous on both occasions.
– Managed to complete a lunch arrangement for the creator – Abhi and his wife Bhagyashree. I was glorified by their presence in my house *winks*
– Met a lot of important people; Smikh, Sonu, Vivek, Pramod, Rakesh, Nishant, Deepak, Govind, Neha, Sanket and a few others.
– Spent a lot of quality time at home – Mom and Sneha.
– Presented myself to dad so that he could advice, talk, yell, talk eblish and vent as much as he could! I’m alright if that helps reduce his BP.
– Read a few good books.

So that was the end of year 2008 and yes, I hope for the best in the coming year. Wish you’ll who read here a happy new year. God bless.

-Anup

Hiatus

On a rather long hiatus until mid January 2009. Will be visiting Kerala and Pune on account of the many weddings that I need to attend. I miss writing here. Fact is, there isn’t a lot of interesting things happening in and around my life to write about. Most of the things I read or see is depressing and there are a million people out there expressing their views on the very same subject. My views and opinions on and about them seem to make no difference so I’d choose to be a realist and just be mum. Also, I’m done with the many people in my life; liars masquerading as friends.

Be back in January. Till then – adios!

-Anup

Opeth to India.

I, initially had the itch to write about the ongoing war in Mumbai. Then again, whats the point? I’d just be glorifying the cowardly deeds of a handful of bastards who think its alright to play kill bill with innocent people. I’ve been following IBN for over 35 hours now and frankly, I think the Indian police, army and navy are not equipped to deal with a hostage situation and they’ve just been ‘getting ready’ to launch the ‘final assault’. The last I saw of the war; the NSG has been prepping itself to enter the Nariman house, Oberoi and Taj hotel. This has been the case since yesterday evening and from what I heard, they’re taking a cautious approach since they value human lives. IMHO, the more you wait, the more they might kill. I’m no one to comment cause I don’t know how its in there so I just hope that this all ends soon. I repeat myself here again – You kill a 100 or if you go on to kill a 1000, we will not bend and thereby we won’t break. We can bust your puny asses in Pakistan if we want. Exterminate every living pest in that country, but then we have our principles and trust me,  we’re reaching our limits with our patience. Don’t you see that these kinda attacks are pointless? Especially in Mumbai where things would go back to normal within a day or two. The lives you lost – a futile attempt at what? Sore losers.

I’ve news and its stakesauce! Opeth is coming to India – Jan 2009. Read if off the Indian Opeth fans community on orkut and it seems to be pretty authentic. They’re coming to IIT – Chennai. I’m not missing this opportunity. My favourite lines off of Bleak:

Opeth
Opeth

Devious movements in your eyes
Moved me from relief
Breath comes out white clouds with your lies
And filters through me
You’re close to the final word
You’re staring right past me in dismay
A liquid seeps from your chest
And drains me away
Mist ripples round your thin white neck
And draws me a line
Cold fingers mark this dying wreck
This moment is mine

Anyway, thats that. I’m just hoping for December to come soon and sweep me away. I’m going to be busy and touring. Many of my close friends getting married. A lot of my money going bust in travelling. I’d be on a long hiatus in December. The approved leaves begin from the 18th and extend upto the 2nd. That’d be fun! I’m tired and sleepy. PeaceLoveEmpathy,

-Anup

The 17 year old me.

I’ve been going through a phase in my life where I’m trying to fight a side of me that I don’t like. I’m trying to fight a loving family thats weighing me down with expectations and desires that I cannot always fulfill however hard I try. Career related confusions which puts me and a very important person through a lot of trouble. Well, I’m in trouble cause he’s in trouble. I just can’t seem to make my god damned mind on what I want and this is not new to me. I’ve always been a fucking confuscio. Mangled by my own selfish self and the world which seems to be just as selfish and cruel. Everyone is selfish; I’d say. No ones a saint and I’d dare all those who’d say that they are! Like they put in a 100% from their side for someone else without expecting something in return.

Then again, I have my ongoing war with an alter-ego that I just can’t resist. He is too strong for me and wants me to do things which I know will destroy my otherwise sane and simple life which is so meticulously planned out that you’d almost miss the boredom written all over it. Its somewhat like Mozarts music. A melody that you pretend to like or a shady corner in a rain filled sunny day. Since I mentioned him; my other side that is… its not like he is a bad person. I mean, he’s nowhere close to being bad. Its just something I’ve wanted since the time I saw the movie “Into the wild” and in it I heard the song – Hard sun by Eddie Vedder. I really want to do that, you know? I’m not sure if I’d burn money like he did cause I don’t have any. Nothing but debt which’d take me over 3 years more of work to pay up and thats if I don’t keep adding more to it. Fuck! I’m in a vicious circle. Dad had warned me but I chose to ignore him as per uge! Coming back to the wild part of me – my recent roadtrip to Kerala has ignited the desire to wander off to nowhere and be completely out of touch; at least for a while. Sadly, all I can think of for now is the next movie I’d queue in. Drab ehh? Not really. I’m alright and I find absolute bliss in the ‘alone’ but unlonely life I live. Before I get down to discussing what I really wanted to say, here’s something I sung recently. Turned out good:

[audio:http://www.anup.org/audio/ae.mp3]

The very reason I decided to include my previous story before this post was to show myself and the others about the wear and tear my thought process and inversely, my writing has gone through over the years. Especially since I seem to think out the stuff I write these days rather than heart it out. I’ve hated that and I’ve always preached against people taking time off to write and you know… make an effort. The words should flow; right from your heart, proceed to the brain, no filters applied, go through to your blood and then seamlessly move into your fingers and out onto paper. Thats when it’ll really work; I feel. Making an attempt never helps for me and thats what I wanted to tell myself. YELL IT OUT EVEN! Here’s what a 17 year old me wrote:

The prodigal son:

For the last twenty years you tolerated me,
But, it was difficult for me
to be the way you wanted me to be…
It’s unbearable for you to see me in pain I know,
Crappy fuck you have to reap the seeds you sow.

Dad, you know? … you are my idol,
Again, I don’t intend on making academics my bridle…
I don’t wish to be what you have been,
An under to a jerk, thats all you have seen.
Not that I am some able dearth,
To reach some where near your worth…

Easier said than done,
The illusions of my mind make me a prodigal son.
As I sit typing and chatting shit,
All day long to virtual beauty tits.
I know it’s high time I gave it a chuck,
Hah, you know what? I am the biggest schmuck!
I love you dad… and your wife?
She means every thing to me in my life.
You never let me out of hugs and cash,
But your words were harder than a leathered whiplash.
I am not sorry to be what I am,
But now its difficult to shun,
And quit being a PRODIGAL SON!

My Redemption:

I walk my life alone,
Redeeming the deeds that I have yet to mourn.
I’ve always been there,
In gods court; he was always unfair.
He gave me goodness that I never deserved,
Then asked me for justification which I never preserved.
He wrote upon me, his able son,
A chapter that was to never begun.

Joy is just one side of the coin,
Pain and suffering plagues the other.
Someone asked me the other day,
Doesn’t pain give you pleasure?
I was dumbfounded, did not know where to start…
Couldn’t let her know that, “Hey! that was smart.”
She was a feline when it came to curiousness,
and look at me boasting prolific seriousness.
She gave me a shirk, looking at my bening self,
But in my dark ignorance I continued to delve.

Finally I realized; late but yeah… there was light,
I ran towards enlightment with all my might.
And lastly… I could see glow.
The redemptions of my life – All the pain and suffering,
Which were aflow.

So you read that and you read the story beneath it, you’d see what bothers me. I’m letting the pitious ambience I live in get to me. Its alright that its getting to me, but I shouldn’t let it reach my writing. I do well when I don’t force myself. I hated that story but I’m going to let it stay. Just so that I remember that however vicious the circle be around me, I should be me!

-Anup