Rants – Helmet Pinched

Pune.

So considering my previous entry fared as expected with not even Shruti coming by; I think its a good point for me to start with. I was taken aback when someone recently started an email thread on a very old google group from my yesteryear’s called the Blog’a’loreans. This was the time I was in Bangalore and used to write, consistently if I may. We since then have moved over to a Whats App group and that is a dead group now. How cool is this? Whats App, I feel, is the place where people go and kill themselves. They just stop existing. Its like they have ticked a box and that’s it. Stay in the group so that it gives you some sense of pseudo inclusiveness.

I’m traveling again. I was in Bangalore last month for 4 days. Met some people I dearly love and also some I really don’t care about. Overall, it was a successful trip. That being said I spent a bomb since it was an impulse decision to move out during a 4 day break at work. This trip was ideally planned for Kerala only however its been a while since I’ve been to the place that made me who I am. Jai Maharashtra!! With all my heart and soul, I do love that land. So many people that I would love to meet again. I am meeting some of them and its planned out quite well and I am hoping to stick to agenda.

I will be in Pune between 3rd to 7th January 2019. I initially wanted to include some work related meet ups but then decided to keep it purely a personal trip. I’m meeting school friends and we’re going to be out and about. I cannot believe that I’m going to Pune and I’m having to live in a hotel though. Its my place ffs however dad’s retired and although I do have options those are complicated in nature and I am someone who avoids confrontations vehemently. I have friends who pledged their heart and soul and now are nobodies and those who refuse to accept my being, those who look at messages that were sent and do not reply, those who are just plain heartless! Its cool though, I’m happy to just note that they are all still around.

The plan as of now is to go to this place called Guhaghar which is a six hour drive from Pune and I’ll have Unni, Nishant and Deepak going with me. These are guys I know since forever. School; as in so far as my memory takes me back I have known these guys. Reconnecting is going to be cake walk mostly and I am hoping to have a chill time. I am hoping to pack a LOT of music and books and take it easy at the beach. I think about doing things that sound relaxing but in the end I would probably just end consuming a truck load of entertainment. So addicted.

For now, that is the plan. Take this 5 day slip road and then join back to the original highway which is in Kerala. Pick up my family and come back to Dubai on the 11th of Jan. From there we embark on another year of togetherness, highs no lows and a lot of family time. I won’t call these as promises made however I’ll do my best to do more with family this year. I’m kind of a self centered asshole and I’d like to do away with it. Lets see how that goes. That’s it from me for this time. Again, I hope this gets published. Trust me when I say, I have 8 drafts which never got published!

-Anup

Grey.

Should be thinking about my health.
Should be concentrating on work and be thankful.
Should be spending more time with my family.
Should try ‘positivity’ a bit more often.
Should get in touch with friends who have walked away.
Should be happy.

Some of the many things that have ‘should be’s’ attached to them which is a big no-no according to my boss. Therefore technically it is something I avoid on a daily basis at work but when it comes to life this is all I have; a bunch of should be’s. I’ve been saying this to myself and to Shruti on an hourly basis when I need to avoid, procrastinate or just plain defend myself from goals be it the smallest of ones. Damn you Anup! Don’t start off with your never ending rants full of self pity. Its pathetic.

So the point of my post today was about this feeling of helplessness or of a place which seems so dark that you don’t know if you are alive or dead or a noise so vile that you’d rather die than bear it any longer. A point in your life where you feel that killing yourself is easier than dragging on any further. I wonder how someone commits to a decision like this. All of us at various points in our life must have thought of jumping off from somewhere or hitting some shots of Harpic or some such shit to end it all but this thought goes before it comes because we give ourselves ideas of getting out of that place without having to kill ourselves. Even if it means killing someone else. These people though – they achieve a state of Nirvana where their final goal is death and they have the will to reach it.

I am heavily disturbed by this 24 year old who had his whole life ahead of him and still thought it was best if he just ended it all. He was addicted to drugs and was supposedly depressed they said. I did watch the video he made before he jumped off the 17th floor and all that I could see from his face was a whole life ahead of him with a galore of opportunities. At 24 I believe you are at a stage which is like a pedestal that peeks you above everyone else. It lets you look at the world from a high point and gives you the opportunity to choose what you want to do with life. You can decide for yourself, pick what you like and walk or run towards it. Its like a fucking shopping cart; life that is. Fuck all those who talk about wrong decisions. There is neither right nor wrong. Its all about what’s good for you and at 24 you should be sensible enough to decide. Else, jump from a building and die motherfucker! Pisses me off that he thought it was just him affected by this decision. Don’t give me other worldly thoughts and rebellious puns. I don’t give a flying fuck. What you have done is the most cowardice act that there could be. You have perennially hurt your parents, maybe their parents (even more) and friends, the dog you fed on your way back from wherever. Fuck, you have stolen energy from a common space we all share and destroyed it!

Grey because to some it is and to some it is not. For me though, fuck you! Suicide is not a solution.

-Anup

The rat race!

Aren’t we all in one? From the time one is born to the day he dies; he is part of a never ending rat race. We have people who constantly win their races and are used to the rush it gives them. You then have those who are used to losing constantly and have given up on things and in the process are in a constant state of denial or hatred and then you have people like me who spend time loathing both these types of people and living a life dealing with the numerous intolerable experiences that have to be borne living in the company of people like these. You’d call me confused but in fact, I’m someone who is very clear about what disgusts me!

To all my corporate brethren – do we ever stop to think what we are giving up on in order to get that bit better than our peers? Did you know that you just lost a friend for life? He could have been that but then you desperately needed that promotion which was coming up next month or you thought no one else deserved that onsite position more than you or that you passed a self righteous judgment on his intentions and just about did everything else to make yourself seem like the most repulsive person out there. Why don’t you stop to think that this person could end up being more than just a co-worker (I hate the word colleague. I hate how it sounds and how it spells, pardon me!). But then again, once you are 30 and are in the cusp of being a middle man; a fucking small fish in a sea full of giant fish guzzling whales – you’d do anything to stay afloat I guess.

I come from a very different work culture where everyone was a friend; where we did compete but all was in good spirit and we all enjoyed each others success because the guy who got the most at the end of the month paid for the tea breaks! That was all that we needed to be happy. Ahhh, good old days when you were young and did not give a fuck. But then comes along the middle ages which confuses the crap out of the best of us. You don’t know if you are young or old. You are torn between saving up for your child and buying that new electronic goodie which beckons you with an enticing grin each time you pass by its window. Decision making ends up being the toughest activity of the day and its here when you notice that in the process of trying to outrun your friends you have all just gone different directions and given up on the simplest most precious pleasures of life – moments… moments of pure bliss.

I now live in a world where I see people competing every single day and it makes me sick. To the pit of my small intestine. Ok, there was some exaggeration thrown in there but you get where I’m coming from? Don’t get me wrong, I love to compete. I’m a gamer and I never give up. However, no hard feelings ehh? You compete with all honesty and be men and women about the fact that you may or may not be better than people you are up against. Be real enough to accept and move on. If someone is better than you and you genuinely known this – accept it and try to learn and help yourself rather than spending time in moping about where you are in life and trying to think about ways in which you could ensure that you steal some of their limelight. This for the poor ones left gaping behind. For those front runners – I really feel they should ensure that they don’t end up being cocky ass’ who use the good they have and add on some ass licking to it in order to gain something year on end but fail miserably nevertheless. When the time comes my friend you will get what you deserve. I don’t believe in fate but I do believe in Karma.

What pains me most about the rat race is the people you lose behind. I don’t mind the random nincompoops you meet on your way to your end. Its the few that you meet and instantly know that these are people who must stay in your life but you lose them nevertheless. These are the people who stick to your memories like episodes of nightmares which haunt you every now and then. In the rat race called life, lets take a moment to stop and admire what we have, who we have and what we are up against. Its a wave too huge for us to fight alone. Find someone to paddle with and things will be much more smoother. Find friends you can keep and more importantly, find friends who will keep you. Forgive mistakes and share your knowledge this will only make you better… in this rat race called life!

-Anup

Tippy Tippy Tip Top!

Its been a while I guess. Don’t I always seem to start with that line when I post in after months of silence? But then, the answer is simple – who even blogs these days? I’ve been following a few blogs since the time I could read I guess and most if not all of them have neared a state of limbo. Some of them gave up cause they got bored, the others had babies and moved on, some others; well, I have no clue! They just seemed to vanish. No one blogs these days, ffs! I feel bad about it but that’s how it is and I guess we just have to deal with it.

The blog is gone but what has replaced it you ask? People have to communicate and there is no way in hell that one mode of communication dies and it did not get replaced with something more powerful and better. Heard of Youtube? I’m sure you have. For a lot of us Youtube is the go-to place for entertainment and information. So yeah, people have moved to Youtube. Blogs have been replaced by Vlogs. This new thing isn’t just in so don’t tell me that I am late to report this. I’m just sharing what I can see. I haven’t yet moved to Vlogging but I have moved to Youtube nevertheless. I have a channel on there and I discuss video games. Hell yeah – nerd alert!

The above is one such video from my channel and I may decide to go the Vlogging way pretty soon. I am not fully sure about showing my chubby face on YouTube but maybe I will, eventually. I can’t quite live without social media communication and I still have some of my best friends online. It has deviated to stuff like gaming forums, clan websites, Playstation Network and other online communities but what’s in it? I find people I share similar interests with and that’s all that matters in the end I guess. That is where I have been and I guess I will continue to be around there for a while more.

The point of this post wasn’t that though. The point of this post was to just tell everyone who come by that people unlike things that you own are valuable and if you think too many times about making amends with friends you had a problem with then it most essentially means that you must do it. Sleeping on it for years and years and in the end realizing how big a fool you were makes you nothing more than a fool! So why wait to find out that you are a fool? Instead pick up that phone and dial that number. Its easy I think. The initial few seconds will make your heart pound because you don’t know what to say but the moment the wave is over you’d feel calm and at peace.

I keep talking about being up to date on here and I fail each and every time so I am not going to repeat that crap because I have realized that I tend to come to this place on one of two occasions; either I am being pushed too hard either by myself or by people who think I can write or because I am a bit glum. Somehow, like I discussed before it is only things that make me sad which brings out the need to write in me. Its probably just something that I feel and its probably not real but that’s how it seems and that’s what Shruti feels too. I guess two people can’t feel the exact same thing, so yeah, it must be right. There was a big torrential rant on my mind when I came here but somehow that seems to have fizzled out and I don’t want to write all of that crap here anymore.

People who befriend you will forget you.

People you befriend will be forgotten by you.

Friends that happen to you will remain that way… forever.

-Anup

Yoo hoo!! Surprise surprise!

Hello!

I am sorry to intrude into your space, Nu. But it was painstaking for me to see this space being ignored and left to slowly stutter, choke and die. So I, Shruti Menon – a finding of this blog here, decided to drop by and invade in and clean up all the cob-webs and dust you’ve accumulated here. I am sorry, Nu, for this not-so-pleasant surprise. I know how much you value your space and privacy but I had to do this to shake you up as violently as I could and make you realize how much this blog misses you and I bet you miss it just as much. God was generous enough to gift you with an excellent skill to write and dare you waste that talent for some Drake running around to find some god forsaken treasure. Hmphh!

For those who used to read this blog and maybe still do in hope to find him here one day should know that, yes, he is very much alive and kicking.

What keeps him busy these days?

Uncharted 2 – For those who are as crazy as him and runs behind games should know what Uncharted 2 is. As for those who don’t.. just consider yourself lucky!

Shifting jobs and cities/countries – Yes. A lot has changed since his last post. We bid Hyderabad adieu last month and now juggling between Pune and Kerala like nomads. Nupsie is still in search for his ideal place to settle down until then.. I guess we both will pretty much be travelling around the world with our caravan. 🙂

Fighting with poor me – Arguing with each other is one of our favorite hobbies. Or let’s just say one of MY favorite hobbies. *wink* It is amazing how we always tend to have so many differences of opinion about things. Our arguments normally last for good 10-15 minutes which later fizzles out with either one of us (mostly Anup) sheepishly grinning. LOL. That can be really annoying sometimes.

Movies/sitcoms – If there were ever a competition for a couple who watches the maximum number of movies then we sure would, hands down, beat anybody at it!! I was never really a movie buff until I met Anup. He even got me to watch the entire Harry Potter and Aliens and Predators series! :O That is something even my brother could never get me to do in the past 10 years!

I don’t know whether it was cause of Anup or the movie buff inside me who suddenly decide to awaken! Anyhoo, so the point is we love watching movies and run the movie marathons almost every day. Our hunger for movies never ends with one a day! If not a movie then a re-run of HIMYM or The Big Bang theory is a must.

Day Dreams – Anup loves to day dream! He dreams about everything he knows he should be acting on but just wont outta his sheer obsession towards Nathan Drake.

One such dream is about a story he has in his head which he plans to write and publish.. until.. Drake decides to burst his bubble and grab his attention! Hmphh!! I wish I was Nathan Drake sometimes!! hehe

On a more serious note: All in all our life is never not entertaining… so much so we find 24 hours too less a time to do things together! 🙂

I am lucky to have found, you, Anu! I doubt it would be easy for anybody else to live under the same roof with a crazy person like me. Which is why I have a lot to thank this blog for. I really wish you write more often and not ignore this space like you do now. I still am an ardent fan of your writing and really look forward for a big comeback than see this space die a sad death.

Love,

Your Wife.