Year: 2017

Grey.

Should be thinking about my health.
Should be concentrating on work and be thankful.
Should be spending more time with my family.
Should try ‘positivity’ a bit more often.
Should get in touch with friends who have walked away.
Should be happy.

Some of the many things that have ‘should be’s’ attached to them which is a big no-no according to my boss. Therefore technically it is something I avoid on a daily basis at work but when it comes to life this is all I have; a bunch of should be’s. I’ve been saying this to myself and to Shruti on an hourly basis when I need to avoid, procrastinate or just plain defend myself from goals be it the smallest of ones. Damn you Anup! Don’t start off with your never ending rants full of self pity. Its pathetic.

So the point of my post today was about this feeling of helplessness or of a place which seems so dark that you don’t know if you are alive or dead or a noise so vile that you’d rather die than bear it any longer. A point in your life where you feel that killing yourself is easier than dragging on any further. I wonder how someone commits to a decision like this. All of us at various points in our life must have thought of jumping off from somewhere or hitting some shots of Harpic or some such shit to end it all but this thought goes before it comes because we give ourselves ideas of getting out of that place without having to kill ourselves. Even if it means killing someone else. These people though – they achieve a state of Nirvana where their final goal is death and they have the will to reach it.

I am heavily disturbed by this 24 year old who had his whole life ahead of him and still thought it was best if he just ended it all. He was addicted to drugs and was supposedly depressed they said. I did watch the video he made before he jumped off the 17th floor and all that I could see from his face was a whole life ahead of him with a galore of opportunities. At 24 I believe you are at a stage which is like a pedestal that peeks you above everyone else. It lets you look at the world from a high point and gives you the opportunity to choose what you want to do with life. You can decide for yourself, pick what you like and walk or run towards it. Its like a fucking shopping cart; life that is. Fuck all those who talk about wrong decisions. There is neither right nor wrong. Its all about what’s good for you and at 24 you should be sensible enough to decide. Else, jump from a building and die motherfucker! Pisses me off that he thought it was just him affected by this decision. Don’t give me other worldly thoughts and rebellious puns. I don’t give a flying fuck. What you have done is the most cowardice act that there could be. You have perennially hurt your parents, maybe their parents (even more) and friends, the dog you fed on your way back from wherever. Fuck, you have stolen energy from a common space we all share and destroyed it!

Grey because to some it is and to some it is not. For me though, fuck you! Suicide is not a solution.

-Anup

Musebox 32 – A year full of Krisha!

Shruti, my dear dearest; this post I write on OUR behalf more than mine and that’s the reason I’ve only mentioned our daughter and not you, so yeah, that being said lets get on with the post.

Another year went by and I’ve become 33 years old or considering the glass half empty guy that I am, lets say I’m running 33 which does sound a lot older than what it actually is but that’s how I feel so lets keep it at that. I’ve always come by to write a musebox post so why not about year 32, right? Especially since it has been made so eventful with Krisha being all over it. What they say is so true – when you decide to bring new life be ready; always remember that you’re not a couple anymore! What most people forget to mention is that we’re not a couple anymore instead we are a family or if you want to make things sound more tantalizing – we are a gang! A freaking powerhouse if you just jump into the numerous moments of pure bliss radiated by a 3 year old. Now its a totally different thing if you are me and are too busy entertaining yourself. If this is the case you are nothing but an escapist but I’m a self proclaimed one anyway so, meh.

Krisha turned 3 on the 3rd of September and all this time has flown by studded with her many antics, giggles, tears and her ever so demanding demeanor. I always tried to maintain that Musebox posts would be about me because I generally am a self centered narcissist however as time goes by and since we are blessed to have Krisha with us, life is more about her and less about us. I am not sure if this is the case with all parents – maybe it is because kids these days seem to require all our attention. I remember the times when I could go about minding my own business very early in my life. Its only when I’d get into deep shit would my mom or dad come rescue me. Now however, Krisha has either Shruti or me looking out for her constantly. Preventing her every fall, worried for all the mistakes she’ll make and warning her about everything she touches. I sometimes want to yell at myself because of how I am with her. Whatever she touches she hears a no from my end because in my eyes whatever it is that she has touched turns into a weapon of self destruction.

Krisha’s major milestones:

  • Steady school and play time for Krisha.
  • The ability to fight diseases earned from said school.
  • Bladder and bowel control.
  • Fluently converse in English with diction that I am quite happy with. We will build on it soon. Pro tip: Krisha can effectively use the words “actually” and “supposed to” for example “I was supposed to get you water however I found a balloon!”
  • The ability to socialize and make new friends and learn the all too powerful knowledge where you change a standstill situation into a win-win one. For example, “If you touch my cycle, I will touch yours!”
  • Understand “love” and what she feels for her parents which eventually leads to crazy and wet smother sessions!
  • Most importantly, a demeanor to kill for! Is kind – will cry but will give, Is smart – can solve a 102 piece puzzle set, Is confident – can argue till you drop dead and has situational awareness which is of extreme importance in todays world.

I worry when I write walls of texts. Sometimes I find ways to insert an image or a gif into posts which tend to get long but the only image that comes to my mind is a bit too personal to put on here because I am a paranoid father and I’d rather not have my little ones picture anywhere on the web. Its tough though because we are in a digital era and our footprints are all over the place. Add to the fact that she can handle an iPad on her own at age 3.5 is just uncomfortably shocking. I was eating mud at that age and I feel let down about myself when I think of it that way. Damn, I am competitive!

On a completely different note, I know that considering the YouTube generation that we are living in; no one really has the time to subscribe to RSS or read blogs or anything else for that matter however, any further write ups here will be for those select and lucky few who still seem to give a damn about words. More in next.

-Anup