On a rather long hiatus until mid January 2009. Will be visiting Kerala and Pune on account of the many weddings that I need to attend. I miss writing here. Fact is, there isn’t a lot of interesting things happening in and around my life to write about. Most of the things I read or see is depressing and there are a million people out there expressing their views on the very same subject. My views and opinions on and about them seem to make no difference so I’d choose to be a realist and just be mum. Also, I’m done with the many people in my life; liars masquerading as friends.
I, initially had the itch to write about the ongoing war in Mumbai. Then again, whats the point? I’d just be glorifying the cowardly deeds of a handful of bastards who think its alright to play kill bill with innocent people. I’ve been following IBN for over 35 hours now and frankly, I think the Indian police, army and navy are not equipped to deal with a hostage situation and they’ve just been ‘getting ready’ to launch the ‘final assault’. The last I saw of the war; the NSG has been prepping itself to enter the Nariman house, Oberoi and Taj hotel. This has been the case since yesterday evening and from what I heard, they’re taking a cautious approach since they value human lives. IMHO, the more you wait, the more they might kill. I’m no one to comment cause I don’t know how its in there so I just hope that this all ends soon. I repeat myself here again – You kill a 100 or if you go on to kill a 1000, we will not bend and thereby we won’t break. We can bust your puny asses in Pakistan if we want. Exterminate every living pest in that country, but then we have our principles and trust me, we’re reaching our limits with our patience. Don’t you see that these kinda attacks are pointless? Especially in Mumbai where things would go back to normal within a day or two. The lives you lost – a futile attempt at what? Sore losers.
I’ve news and its stakesauce! Opeth is coming to India – Jan 2009. Read if off the Indian Opeth fans community on orkut and it seems to be pretty authentic. They’re coming to IIT – Chennai. I’m not missing this opportunity. My favourite lines off of Bleak:
Devious movements in your eyes
Moved me from relief
Breath comes out white clouds with your lies
And filters through me
You’re close to the final word
You’re staring right past me in dismay
A liquid seeps from your chest
And drains me away
Mist ripples round your thin white neck
And draws me a line
Cold fingers mark this dying wreck
This moment is mine
Anyway, thats that. I’m just hoping for December to come soon and sweep me away. I’m going to be busy and touring. Many of my close friends getting married. A lot of my money going bust in travelling. I’d be on a long hiatus in December. The approved leaves begin from the 18th and extend upto the 2nd. That’d be fun! I’m tired and sleepy. PeaceLoveEmpathy,
I’ve been going through a phase in my life where I’m trying to fight a side of me that I don’t like. I’m trying to fight a loving family thats weighing me down with expectations and desires that I cannot always fulfill however hard I try. Career related confusions which puts me and a very important person through a lot of trouble. Well, I’m in trouble cause he’s in trouble. I just can’t seem to make my god damned mind on what I want and this is not new to me. I’ve always been a fucking confuscio. Mangled by my own selfish self and the world which seems to be just as selfish and cruel. Everyone is selfish; I’d say. No ones a saint and I’d dare all those who’d say that they are! Like they put in a 100% from their side for someone else without expecting something in return.
Then again, I have my ongoing war with an alter-ego that I just can’t resist. He is too strong for me and wants me to do things which I know will destroy my otherwise sane and simple life which is so meticulously planned out that you’d almost miss the boredom written all over it. Its somewhat like Mozarts music. A melody that you pretend to like or a shady corner in a rain filled sunny day. Since I mentioned him; my other side that is… its not like he is a bad person. I mean, he’s nowhere close to being bad. Its just something I’ve wanted since the time I saw the movie “Into the wild” and in it I heard the song – Hard sun by Eddie Vedder. I really want to do that, you know? I’m not sure if I’d burn money like he did cause I don’t have any. Nothing but debt which’d take me over 3 years more of work to pay up and thats if I don’t keep adding more to it. Fuck! I’m in a vicious circle. Dad had warned me but I chose to ignore him as per uge! Coming back to the wild part of me – my recent roadtrip to Kerala has ignited the desire to wander off to nowhere and be completely out of touch; at least for a while. Sadly, all I can think of for now is the next movie I’d queue in. Drab ehh? Not really. I’m alright and I find absolute bliss in the ‘alone’ but unlonely life I live. Before I get down to discussing what I really wanted to say, here’s something I sung recently. Turned out good:
The very reason I decided to include my previous story before this post was to show myself and the others about the wear and tear my thought process and inversely, my writing has gone through over the years. Especially since I seem to think out the stuff I write these days rather than heart it out. I’ve hated that and I’ve always preached against people taking time off to write and you know… make an effort. The words should flow; right from your heart, proceed to the brain, no filters applied, go through to your blood and then seamlessly move into your fingers and out onto paper. Thats when it’ll really work; I feel. Making an attempt never helps for me and thats what I wanted to tell myself. YELL IT OUT EVEN! Here’s what a 17 year old me wrote:
The prodigal son:
For the last twenty years you tolerated me,
But, it was difficult for me
to be the way you wanted me to be…
It’s unbearable for you to see me in pain I know,
Crappy fuck you have to reap the seeds you sow.
Dad, you know? … you are my idol,
Again, I don’t intend on making academics my bridle…
I don’t wish to be what you have been,
An under to a jerk, thats all you have seen.
Not that I am some able dearth,
To reach some where near your worth…
Easier said than done,
The illusions of my mind make me a prodigal son.
As I sit typing and chatting shit,
All day long to virtual beauty tits.
I know it’s high time I gave it a chuck,
Hah, you know what? I am the biggest schmuck!
I love you dad… and your wife?
She means every thing to me in my life.
You never let me out of hugs and cash,
But your words were harder than a leathered whiplash.
I am not sorry to be what I am,
But now its difficult to shun,
And quit being a PRODIGAL SON!
I walk my life alone,
Redeeming the deeds that I have yet to mourn.
I’ve always been there,
In gods court; he was always unfair.
He gave me goodness that I never deserved,
Then asked me for justification which I never preserved.
He wrote upon me, his able son,
A chapter that was to never begun.
Joy is just one side of the coin,
Pain and suffering plagues the other.
Someone asked me the other day,
Doesn’t pain give you pleasure?
I was dumbfounded, did not know where to start…
Couldn’t let her know that, “Hey! that was smart.”
She was a feline when it came to curiousness,
and look at me boasting prolific seriousness.
She gave me a shirk, looking at my bening self,
But in my dark ignorance I continued to delve.
Finally I realized; late but yeah… there was light,
I ran towards enlightment with all my might.
And lastly… I could see glow.
The redemptions of my life – All the pain and suffering,
Which were aflow.
So you read that and you read the story beneath it, you’d see what bothers me. I’m letting the pitious ambience I live in get to me. Its alright that its getting to me, but I shouldn’t let it reach my writing. I do well when I don’t force myself. I hated that story but I’m going to let it stay. Just so that I remember that however vicious the circle be around me, I should be me!
I don’t always like the stuff I write. Especially when it comes to incidents and stories. I seem to be able to rant and ramble but then I’m not sure about how well I’d be able to describe and incident or more importantly; talk about a real life situation. Add to that I got a really radicle review for the following write up. It didn’t bother me much though. I wasn’t going to share it until I re-read it and decided it put it up for reads. Here goes…
This is a story of retribution, redemption and divine intervention. I’d be speaking about it in 1st person and it’s inspired from a real life friend who turned out to be one amongst the many jackasses I know. He proved his jackassery time and again and this time he just went out of his usually insensitive ways to something that’s even more deeply hideous and overtly contemptuous! It’s sad that he had to give up his life for what he did, but then come to think of it, that’s how God allows redeeming yourself. This is Arjuns story and it was this crazy episode that changed his life.
Arjun, me, Sachin and Vinod (my elder cousin brother) we were roomies around 4 years ago when we lived and worked in Bangalore. They have since then moved to Mumbai and pledged to never return to this god forsaken place but I was too much in love with this city to not return. I guess I’d settle down here someday. They curse this place for its people, infrastructure and everything else. They can go on and on about how much they hate this city but they still won’t go away. They’d devour all that they make out of it – money, friends, a career, a life and then ramble on about unhelpful it is; inconsiderate schmucks.
We lived close to K.R Puram and had easy access to the city. I loved these guys and living with them was an awesome experience. Especially since that was the first time I ever got a chance to be away from home and I was making my own life. I was earning well then and I used to wonder about how I’d spend the 7,000 Rs that I had! That was such a huge amount then. Arjun came across as a good looking guy who had a naughty little smile, an awesome personality and a charming set of behavioral rules which seemed to get him within close proximity of anyone he wanted to talk to and this included guys as well. Our lives were easy, all of us were new, we all earned in decent figures and the rent we paid for a mansion of a house we lived was satisfyingly low! In this way, we managed to save up on money and Arjun bought himself a new bike. This he said would be of substantial help in his hunt for a girl he’d want to be with! I’ve always been a geek and his chick-talks only encouraged me to write more and that’s all. The whole concept did not appeal to me then. I was a helpless romantic and I thought love would happen and that you don’t need to go look for it. Arjun on the other hand was unlike any of us, he was one of those many Casanova’s prowling in the shadows of a party, a get-together, a coffee-shop or anywhere for that matter. He’d just happen like a sudden curse to women and that’s how we had posthumously crowned him the king of jerks!
Arjun worked with MPhasis then and I was with Dell and the both of us were Customer Support guys and we answered phone calls from American customers and we worked the nights. He was quite a crowd puller and within a few months he was overflowing with friends and he was nowhere to be seen. He’d just come around to pay up on rents and the occasional drinks with my cousin and Sachin. I’d ask him about what he was up to but I usually got lies and that’s when I stopped talking to him. Then one alcoholic night he got high on Old Monk and seemed to be in a talkative mood. He spilled out a name and a small story along with it. He met this girl at work. I quickly turned my music down and began listening intently because this wasn’t Arjun. He seemed to be in trouble and I was worried. I’ve seen him get drunk numerous times but this was different. He cried and sobbed as he never did! Amongst all his sobs he blurted her name out – Payal.
I thought to myself, “Hey! I know this girl, guess she’s the same girl who kicked his ass on the first day at work” He had showed a picture of her to me once and she seemed to cute to me then. I wondered about what might have happened; where did this girl find the power to hurt Arjun? He was a tough nut to crack and I was surprised to know that he’d let the very first girl in his life bring him pain and misery. I continued to listen closely as he unraveled a story which was so distasteful that I hate him to date. He started telling us about her – Her voice… a sweet whisper, her words… riddles you can’t work your way around, her smile… a hundred dawns; bright and full of joy, her eyes…. deeper than her words and she… a gorgeous girl. She carried her exterior beauty very neatly hidden in clothes that weren’t too loud but bought out her beauty. Payal was his best friend and they had fallen in love with each other!
She loved him a lot, he said. Arjun was his usual self. running around working on his regular set of unacceptable actions which would bring out the worst in anyone and that’s precisely what he ended up doing with Payal. He was not sure about what he felt for her. He wouldn’t want to share her, but he had other girls as friends and Payal wasn’t someone who’d want to share. She was obsessive, possessive and everything else that a girl could be when she was really in love. She needed her timely phone calls and he’d miss them callously. She needed his touch and he never had the time she asked for cause he had gotten what he wanted and he had quenched his thrill! I felt like bashing him up when he uttered the word thrill; but then he sobbed some more and I felt weird. What was wrong with him? This wasn’t the Arjun I knew! Here is where I snatched the glass from his hand and asked him to blurt out! “What the fuck did you do?” I nearly screamed. That’s when I looked into his eyes and I could see his pain. Red in pain and agony, he seemed like someone who was destroyed by nuclear bomb full of love-gas! “She met with an accident… they won’t let me see her… she’s in pain and I can’t even go close… they won’t let me” and he passed out!
I waited for him to wake up in the morning. The lazy ass would try to never wake up if he could because he loved sleeping. I pushed and prodded till he finally woke up not knowing about what had transcended on us the other night. He seemed to be his normal self now and it seemed like he wanted to make a dash for the door. I stopped him, “Tell me what’s going on!” he grimaced and yelled, “I HAVE TO SEE HER AND I NEED TO GO NOW! Out of the way now before I beat your sorry ass off this porch!” One look and I knew that this guy was desperate! “I’ll take you to the hospital; I don’t want you to drive!” I didn’t give him enough time to negate my need go with him. I quickly jumped onto the bike and took off with him.
“She’s critical and you’ve got to be out of your guiltless mind to have come here! What do you want now?” The first words I heard as I strode into the hospital after parking the bike. Mr. Mittal was facing the garden as Arjun stood behind him. His head hung in shame, tears welling up in his red eyes. I secretly felt happy. I heard myself whispering, “The bastard deserves whatever it is that happened” I’m not sure why, but I somehow hated this “everything’s-ok” attitude that he carried around himself and I thought he needed to suffer a bit to learn. Well, I was in for a surprise and I cursed myself the second I heard what Arjun said – “…but I did not expect her to kill herself! I don’t know!! What wrong did I do? Did she tell you anything?” Mr. Mittal turned around and handed over a letter. He read it slowly, this time the tears came down swiftly and it seemed to form a small pool around where he stood. I walked over and put my hand over his shoulder. He handed the letter over and walked away.
I’m not sure if I can call you that anymore, but then that’s all that I can call you for now. I’ve loved you endlessly and I know that this is the biggest sin I’d ever commit. Falling in love with you was a slightly smaller one. But then, do you see me even now? Now as I try to finish this wretched life which you’ve come to hate only because I asked for some of your time and love; even now, all I want to do is to see you. I know that I can’t do that and it pains me, the way I am. I’ve been a self-loathing idiot all this while thinking about why I don’t love my parents as much as I love you. I have no answers. I’m tired of living in contemptuous self-pity and I just wanted to say good bye! I love you so much. Please don’t forget me.
Our entire lives tumbled upon me as I read that I did not know how to react. I sat down, contemplating all that I had just lived through and I was wondering about what was going on in Arjuns brain and mind. It all felt like a bollywood movie and I couldn’t shake myself out of it. I walked up to Mr. Mittal and enquired about Payal. That’s when the doctor confirmed that she was out of danger and that we need to inform the police about her attempt to self-murder. Arjun was no where to be seen. I tried calling him, he never answered. I went back home and that’s when Sachin told me that he packed up and left. “Bastard!” I couldn’t stop myself from wanting to run after him, find him and kill him, brutality style! But then, he was a coward and he was gone! He’d redeem one fine day for all that he did; the way Payal was redeeming for her lack of affection towards people who gave birth to her. And come to think of it now, she’s alive and its divine intervention!
I finally completed my write-up on my Kerala outing and its here. Its a rather elaborate one and it has details not everyone may like. So proceed at your own risk. The trip was amazing and I loved every inch of it. I’d like to do it again sometime and yes this time it’d be alone for sure!
I watched Vaarnam Ayiram today. I’ve been waiting for that movie since a year odd now. They had its promos on since then but then I guess they finished on the project recently due to various reasons. Anyhoo, it was finally here and I went over to PVR and watched it – alone and happy! I realized something here, I am better of by myself. I seem to have a problem with people and this includes friends and family. Small things annoy me. Ahhh, speaking of which; Abhi was in town over the weekend and we (Abhi, me, Chetan and Amod) went over to Wonder La! I can’t put into words about how exhilirating those rides were. The rides, the coasters, the water rides… man, this was undoubtedly one of my best weekends in Bangalore. What I noticed when I was with all these lovely people was that small things annoyed me and I ended up annoying these good people because of my annoyed self. This is something I learnt about myself very recently. I’m sure I wasn’t like this before. I was irritable but I used to get back to my normal self within no time but these days I seem to stick to small things and make a mountain out of a molehill. I hate this. Somehow, I feel these fine people would be better off without me too! Not always; but yeah almost always. Did I miss the point? The movie rocked. Sameera Reddy looks old and Surya looks a-m-a-z-i-n-g! The story is a bit spread out but then I loved it anyway.
I’ve been tagged by Layman and this time its Feminism!!! Arghhh… Why Deepak? Its a very controversial subject and I’ve been in huge conflicts on this before and these debates have led us nowhere. Its a modern mans nightmare – Feminists. People who decide to defy the creator and demand equality between both the sexes. In this egalitarian society, they say; we must be considered equals. Everything that man has, we should. I spoke about this before too and its here. I mean, I fail to understand their ignorance. How can we be equals? When you don’t fulfill the basic requirements – physical difference. We are different and there is no question of equality. Why do these women want to fall down to where we men are? Why don’t they understand that they are way above. Up there they are starlight and they wish to fall down to where darkness prevails like mist over mossy, quicksand infested dirty land.
Feminists are usually frustrated about how women are oppressed and pushed down by men. What? Seriously; can that even happen in today’s world? Why don’t you go find yourself something constructive to do? Or if you’re talking about the society where people-pollution hasn’t arrived yet. Luckily, I’d say because people such as yourself haven’t polluted their minds with unnecessary demands. So if you’re talking about little villages and uneducated women then I’d say let them fight their own battles. There wouldn’t be feminists there who talk for them, they’d deal with their own life. None of us need to speak for them. I’ve written about this once before when I was upset about having to live with the fairer sex. I very nearly ended up being a sexist bastard but I’m alright now I guess. That article is here. Also, a few things I’d like to make clear. Unto times infinity men will do the following:
a) Woo, hit, flirt.
b) Love, make love and help reproduce (make life)
c) Help women play god! I put this one separately.
d) Care, be insecure, be demanding and everything else.
e) There will be no paradigm shifts to the rule. You will be eve and I’ll be Adam!
Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one. Every asshole is just as stinky as every other from where you and I are. In fact, I’d go on to say, “I don’t care about what you think!” but that’d just be me; exaggerating my aggravated ego which seems to grow on me as each day passes. I don’t like the part where people annoy me. It just seems to make me very vulnerable. I seem to make it very obvious to friends and everyday passerby’s that you’d be able to crack me up just by telling me that I’m wrong. Its that way for most of us, but I’d want to be like Chetan in this case. Strong… so much so that you just can’t move him. Your feeble attempts at getting him out of his comfortable stance will fall on deaf ears. Your opinions and thoughts will be filtered out and he’ll take only what he wants to hear. He’d appear to be the most calm and composed person ever; pretending to listen to you but there’d be a ton of other more important things (for him) going on in his head. I’d want to be like that, but then, somehow I hate it when people try to impose their likes, opinions and ideas on me. I don’t do that to anyone. I delve in my own hole and I seem to be able to make myself happy without having to try too hard. Somehow, I have no complexes and I don’t need to put people down to boost my ego. I can do that by just living!
So you like this and I like that. Did I tell you to like that? Then why do you expect me to like this? Did I say this was bad and that was better? Did I even ask you about this? Did I ask you to like that? I wonder why some people seem to have this compulsive need to bestow their opinions down onto you, like they are the masters of this universe and what they think and know should be universally accepted. Your opinion is just as stinky as mine so why don’t you savor your pudding and let me enjoy mine? Hell no! With some people this just won’t work. They are incorrigible and they think the world of themselves. I really don’t want to be bitching like this on a blog that no one reads but then I wasn’t sure about any other place to vent. And guess the funny part? Most of these self obsessive parasites of originality are amongst your circle of family and friends and there is nothing you can do to escape their wrath! God dammit people; don’t you’ll get the simple point here? To what dogma’s do all minds agree? See my point, please… I LIKE THIS AND NOT THAT period
Moving on to something more interesting – my drive down to Kerala is all planned and I can’t wait anymore. I’ve been waiting for a chance to unwind (mostly within myself) and uhm, enjoy some nature maybe, get some photography done, be with family and go on a long drive. This trip gives me all that I wanted and more. I got my baby serviced and she’s sparkling clean now. The engineer at Mandovi explained the functioning of the A/C and also told me that it was but obvious for it to get so dusty inside when I had the front filter button turned off. I got it cleaned and polished inside, oil and water change, gear tested, brakes tested and overall the guy thought my car was doing very well. No problems whatsoever with the engine, clutch or the alignment. All’s good – so fuck you! Yeah you who thinks I don’t drive right *winks* Not to forget, I witnessed a not-so-funny incident in Forum the other day. I was staring at this couple as I rose onto the second floor via the elevator which seemed to be slower than ever. This was perhaps the cutest couple I had seen that day and I was about to do my usual thing where I’d look at them, smile and whisper a ‘bless you!’ but here is where things went wrong. Both of them were cuddled up peering into the crowd below and I thought they were smiling. They were standing next to each other arm to arm and the girl seemed to be playing with his hair. Out of nowhere the guy (using his elbow) back punches the girl on her nose sending her back in agony almost cursing aloud. And my face goes from the “God bless you’ll look” to the “Dude? What the fuck?” look and he notices me and 4 other guys on the other side staring at him. Here (realizing that we saw that) the girl suddenly starts laughing and tickling him. He; still shocked to notice us noticing him tries to play along but looks miserably darned and the both of them fizzle out of there. Man that was weird. I had a bitter feeling in my mind for the entire evening. What’s wrong with people?
In other news; my workshop on creating writing comes to an end on Saturday the 8th and I’m very satisfied with its outcome. An awesome teacher, a few good people to have known and some rock solid information. We’re having this session come party thing on Saturday and that’d be it. I must continue writing on my book. It is a very difficult process they say and it’d take more than just will to see your words end with someone’s smile, laughter or tears. I assume it’d feel like suspended animation; total bliss! Anyhoo, I’m hoping to write more once after I’m done with the whole thing in December and a couple of other things on my mind. I’m hoping to continue work on it in January. I saw the movie – Body of Lies and I’d strongly recommend it. Everything about that movie rocks, so I won’t talk much about it. Just watch it! That’s just about it. I might not be able to write anything before I leave on Sunday. So I guess I’ll see you guys after I return and yes, I will make notes and provide a complete travel-log when I return. Ohh and I’d like to end with something I wrote in class in the last session:
I peered into the strange cloud above my head,
As if trying to steal a sneak peak into whats inside.
Strange; cause it had no silver lining…
Just another wet cloud above my bed.
Love has been like that for me,
The most broken gift that it could ever be.
The cloud never thunders and bursts,
It just seems to hang on choking me as it does…
Clusters of love from you that turned to dust.
The cloud is full of questions and I drift…
Is it me or him that she loves?
God damn this strange cloud of love;
Can’t you just rain it down on me and stop being up above?
I’ve been tagged! I’ve been in a state of animated bliss of late and I sincerely apologize to all the readers because I don’t know why. Sometimes I feel like I’m falling in love and then I take a step back. Mostly because my recent love-addiction turned out to be my worst nightmare and I’m still recovering from its rather long-lasting aftermath. That’s one thing too many in one, if you know what I mean. If you don’t – Its just one thing (seemingly) but its like an onion skin. The deeper you dig the more you tear up and the lesser you get out of it. Arghhh! What the fuck is wrong with me? Ranting unreasonably has become a thing with me these days. I can’t let myself fall in love because if I do; this time, I’ll surely lose some very important people and I’m not taking chances. Nope, I’m not in for a gamble Abhi. She’s special though, no doubt! Coming back to my point – I’ve been tagged by Layman and he’s one amongst two people I’ve met through my blog and theirs. Some strangers are nice and thats not because they are mallus.
I’m not going to be generic when talking about stuff that I’m addicted to. I mean, it’d be just another clichéd post if I say I’m addicted to my friends, family, food and water. I’m sure these would be taken for granted. I’d talk about the broader ideas here or lets say my abstract addictions. My addictions(as of now) are as follows:
Taking into account simple facts like my age and where I come from, it wouldn’t be unusual for me to be addicted to the activities that entertain me. Rock music, movies – gore, sci-fi, thrillers, romance; you name it and I’ve been there. Gaming and my genuinely large cd/dvd collection of movies stands testament to the fact that I’m making ample use of my uber cool tv without having subscribed to Tata Sky which charges an exorbitant amount as compared to the local cable walas who’d drive you nuts with their poor quality picture. I’ve since then decided to stick to my games and movies. I’m addicted to my PS2. Games like God of War, Final Fantasy and Devil May Cry take me into a fantastic world where I can do what I could otherwise never have. Run in bullet time, shoot like a mad-man, slash a sword, fight my evil twin and finally, MAGIC! I’m addicted to music, to the likes of Pink Floyd, Staind, POTF and many others and I can hereby declare that I cannot live without the album “The Division Bell” Movie addiction includes Hollywood and almost all in the mallu movie range. Mohanlal movies time spanned between 1980 to around 2000 are awesome and I’d watch a re-run any day!
2) My computers
I know that I could have easily included this in the addiction above but then I wanted to highlight this as a cut above the classification of entertainment and more about why I’m addicted to these boxes in black. I have even named my computer and he’s had that name since the time I bought him. Which was around 4 years ago. I’ve kept on adding things to his stomach which made him faster and stronger but I’ve referred to him as Blacky forever now. I’m addicted to the box and there is no turning away. It earns me my living, keeps me connected to my loved ones, lets me learn a lot of new things and most importantly; it is the source of almost all the things and feelings that keeps me alive. Its me in an inorganic form. I’m in love with the box and I don’t want to do anything about it. Computers in plural there because I now have a lappy (HP given) and its a very handy thing. I’m not too attached to it because I may have to give it away some day.
Like I’ve mentioned before my addiction to the language is something I’ve been almost brutal with. Abhi is a liar when he proclaims that I condemn the English speaking skills of other people. I’ve never done that. Neither have I ever boasted about my way with the language. Its my never ending love for it which has gotten me addicted to the language. This along with computers paved my way into a secure more bright future and I’m thankful for what its given me. I’m addicted to using it as much as possible. Even at home! Thats a funny thing overall. I’m multicultural at home. Dad – English, Sneha – Hindi, Mom – Malayalam. Sometimes its a mix and I’d like to refer to it as Einglam though Sneha calls it Hinglish.
My writing isn’t limited to my blogs and that’s something I’m kinda happy about. I have a journal (however girly this might sound; alright, fuck you guys!). Mostly, I’d keep the sensitive, emotional and more curious side of me to my journal and those questions are only for me to answer. The blog is a place where I vent out, rant and more recently reach out. I love the thought of meeting up like minded people. Mob who loves writing has always been one of my fantasies. Like a blog meet maybe? I noticed that there were a few that happened recently and they turned out to be a huge success. I’d totally love to meet more people addicted to blogging or writing thereby! I’d rather not talk about it, but then I have the itch, the inexhaustible itch to talk about something I really wanna hide. I’m working on a book, a novel even. I know I’m not brilliant but I’m surely capable and my story is worth a chance to be read
Shopping is not only my secret hideout when I’m scared, defeated and dejected but its also what brings me the feel good factor when I’m bored and out of things to do. Now I know that this sounds a bit stupid but then, it helps me and I’m sure it helps a lot of others. Its a known fact that buying things for yourself makes you feel happy. Gives you the punch you need when you want to mourn some more and are out of energy! Heh, thats what happened to me when I was in an abysmal state. A few sub-addictions here are – shopping for food! I am a foodie (says Abhi) and then I love spending the money I earn.
Guess that’s about it. There are a lot of other addictions but they are a bit too important to elaborate. I’d just name them though – Family, Friends and love. I’m addicted to them and I’d be addicted for life. Uhm, that concludes this rather massive but fun post and I’d like to thank Layman for throwing this in. Also, not to forget, I’m going on a road trip next weekend. I’d be leaving Bangalore on Sunday the 9th and I’m driving down to Kerala – Trichur. Funny thing is; I have no clue about the road and I’m going to depend on my cousin who’d be accompanying me. Da Layman, where in Kerala are you?
Here’s a little something that came into my head out of event horizon:
Clear skies, yet again
A blessing to your eyes
Orange dawn drives me insane.
From within me guzzles;
Warm thoughts of life,
Hope within hopes
Lies within lies,
Wants and desires,
Dreams and pain;
Concealed within hot fires,
All of them so seemingly hidden,
Beyond the horizon;
Some warmth from within the cold.
Chirping birds and humming bees,
Yellow light – mystic and crimson…
Clear skies – blue, orange and white,
Studded with me, me and me!
It was a lovely feeling early today morning. I’m not sure how but like Chetan said yesterday… nature knows that its festive time maybe. Heavy rains lashing the city stopped well before Diwali and has since then shown mercy to the midgets that we are. Living off of whatever is thrown down to us, inconsiderate and nothing but a plague to Gaya and the life she carries within herself. We continue to hurt her and there seems no end. We really are a plethora of erosive parasites and we’re slowly eating her up. But then, she’s ever forgiving and God is loving. I have no other justification to the wonderful people in my life right now and I’m insanely happy.
We celebrated Diwali pompously on the 27th; uhm yeah, one full day ahead of when it actually was! But then, it made me very happy cause I have such amazing people in my life and I’d consider myself to be lucky if at least these few people stick by. Ratheesh and Chetan had come over with crackers that we bought for 60% discount (apparently) . We visited the temple and prayed (good guys, aren’t we?) burst some crackers and here’s when me and Chetan got a dose of poisonous fumes and the both of were in neck deep trouble. He ended up uncomfortable, cold and itchy and I was breathless. I couldn’t sleep much because my lungs kept me awake. I just couldn’t breathe when I tried to lie down. Radha aunty was a life saver yesterday morning. I was looking for some medical shop that would be open but none of them were and I decided to ask Radha aunty if she knew of some place. Thats when she gave me an inhaler that she had and I’d say it saved my life. Food and now this! Man, you’re awesome. Speaking of food; we stuffed ourselves with sweets and by day end it kinda got me and Ratheesh into a lot of shit; literally *winks*
I’m compelled to talk about this movie I watched – A Scanner Darkly. Now, this was the first Rick LinkLater movie I watched and I haven’t watched ‘Waking life’ but I’ve heard a lot about it and I need to watch it as soon as this download is over. I’ve become an abuse to the internet, a leecher with no morals cause I don’t like seeding. I download and then stop. Damn! these days, I don’t like the idea of sharing. Anyway, the movie talks about a guy and thereby indicating a world full of drug addicts and the the paranoia, perceptual distortions, and chaos of hallucinogenic overindulgence. Keanu Reaves does an awesome job as per uge’ and I love his style. I’ve loved him in movies like “The Matrix Trilogy” and “Constantine” he’s been amazing in movies like “The Lake House” “A walk in the clouds” and now this. The guy does an amazing job of portraying emotions in a not-so-shahrukhanish style! To the point, clear, concise and stylish. I did watch a few other movies – Contract Killers, A Cinderella Story, Quarantine and a few more but Scanner Darkly was different because of its story line and the animation done to people who actually acted in the movie. Looked creepy, mysterious and thats what made the movie even more gripping. A couple of good things that happened over the weekend – Abhi is back! I’m happy that he is. I got the t-shirt I’ve been wanting since ever – The Division Bell and it totally rocks. Finally, I’m playing Dante – Devil May Cry 3 and so far, its an outstanding game. I can’t explain how awesome it is. Not right now at least cause I’m into it so maybe the next time I’d ramble on about the game! Peace out suckers.
We’ve heard this so many times – Life’s a bitch! People casually talking about life as if they know what it is all about. Now, I’m by no means indicating that I’m out of the crowd here. I’m just as self-righteous as all those stupid-ass mortals who think they know what life is and brag about how sad they are for not being closer to god. Just so that they can brown-nose him into a life on a bed of fluff. You know what amazes me the most? People. Everything about all these people around me. Some in real life, some on TV and on all those series and sitcoms I watch. Somehow, their life seems to be all full of drama. How do they have all this drama? Do we really have all this drama to life? Seriously, isn’t it so easy to live? Be happy, smile, be friends, not be rude and most importantly be a nice human being. How difficult is this? I think it’s easy, but what we humans live for is the spice. We don’t want to eat tasteless food now, do we? You’d want it to be right on salt, chilly, pepper and be as spicy as possible. And the spice; which is drama in this case comes into life when you start feeling its bland – tasteless.
I tend to observe people and I manage to not attract their attention somehow. I don’t quite know if this is a good thing, but then people seem to be so oblivious of me being next to them, observing them, looking directly into their eyes, studying them and sometimes even snooping into what they say. Mostly, I wouldn’t make head or tails out of whatever it is that they speak, but I still love eavesdropping; especially if its people I don’t know remotely. Listening in on women chatter is very fruitful I might add, they think they know a lot and they think being a woman is the most difficult thing ever. Sometimes, in some women; I can distinctly smell a sense of superiority a superlative magnetism around them. An aura so strong that it deflects me away from them, just wanting to run away. Cause in my eyes, their reason for existing ends when they radiate the nothing that we all are. We are all nothing without each other. I wonder how it is that people don’t understand our binding. I am bound to the world and thus I’m bound to each and every human being on it. You need me just as much as I need you and there is no running away. But I try running anyway. Speaking of which; the MNS drama which happened recently in Maharashtra. What was that? I mean, what the fuck is he thinking? You think you can drive us away from where we live Mr. Thackeray? That’s our land just as much as its yours and we’ve lived there since times immortal. This is my country and you are a no one. Hear me? You’re a no-one and you’re not telling any one of us about where we can or cannot come! Do whatever the fuck it is that you want. You or your minions don’t scare me. Thats my land and I’m going to stick.
Going back on the drama bit – I thought about dramas and about how weird they are because of a couple of incidents. The first being the part where the drunk wife beater came back and this time he bought along some real nasty men. He nearly broke into the docs house but that’s when the watchman convinced him that there was no one home and it’d be pointless. This time I chose to listen in on the drama from within the safe walls of my room and it still sounded scary. Especially since Chetan scared the shit outta me the other day after knocking on my door and not answering my “Kaun hai?” question. My knees trembled for a full two hours after that. Mostly because of this and partly because I went with the guys for a drive in Ajay’s car when he was kinda high. Drunk people, however sweet they be scare me. Not that they’d physically harm me but you never know what they’d say. They have no emotional control and neither can they control what they think or talk so it kinda gets difficult if something I don’t want to hear falls out and I really did not want that. Somehow, that was wrapped up! Anyway, I thought about how inconsiderate people can be and about how money and power corrupts you and your thought process. This guy sounded like an educated guy with a very potty mouth and that disturbed me a lot. Then again, I was having breakfast at Adigas as usual and I had asked for Onion dosa. This usually takes more time that the rest and I stood by the counter; lost in some sort of a day dream when I noticed someone staring at me. Ever had that feeling where if you try hard enough and stare hard enough at someone even from behind them, they seem to turn back to look back at you? It’s happened to me and sometimes it seems like countless dejavu’s at the same time. It’s an awesome feeling when you get someone to look at you just by staring at them. I try doing this once in a while, but in this case I noticed this girl staring at me and it was not like a “ohh-what-a-hot-guy” stare (I look miserable and fat in my night clothes) and neither was it a “Ewww-ohh-no” look (I don’t deserve that for sure) it was more like the “Hmmm-do-I-know-you?” look and she seemed like someone I know or had seen before. I smiled because it was an awkward deadlock-in-the-eye situation. You know like when you’re staring at some girl’s boobs and she’d notice you? Well, no. Not that situation. You’d usually get the “Fuck you!” look back from her then. This was more the out the blue “do-I-know-you” stares from the both of us and I unknowingly smiled. Common courtesy, nay? She didn’t smile though. She lurked in the distance for a while trying to eat whatever it was that she seemed to be eating. It was more like she was swallowing food to avoid the hassle of chewing it. She had this thin, very frail, almost fragile body structure and was as tall as I am. This part of the story ends here.
The next part is more of a dialogue after I heard my bell ring today afternoon during my after work relaxation hours when I don’t like being disturbed. It’s been Greys Anatomy time for me and I love my time of peace. *Bell rings and I open the door*
Me: (Looking at the same girl, almost with the “what the bleep” look!) Yes? She: I’m sorry, I wanted to talk to you today morning itself, but you were in a hurry. Me: Hi, do I know you? She: Yes, I live two floors above you. We shifted a month back and you might remember us from the truck parked in front of the gate because you created a commotion since you had to leave for work and that truck had our stuff in it. Me: Ahhh, alright. I remember the mallu uncle. We had a small talk. She: Yes, that’s my dad and his shirt is in your balcony *sheepish look* and he didn’t want to come talk to you. Me: Ohh, no problem, let me go get it. I rarely go to the balcony so I wouldn’t have noticed.
I get the shirt, hand it over to her and she leaves after a quick round of profuse thankboration. I was so bored because she thanked me a bit too much. A simple “thanks” would suffice, you know? So my question here is simple, why the drama in this case? Just come over and ask me to get the shirt and I’d do it. What was she thinking? That I’d not return the shirt cause of my history with her dad? History? crap! I just asked him to get the truck outta my way cause I was late to work. Hmm, do I look like spice to you girl? *sigh* Just ask, kapiche? I watched a few movies. Disgifured and Dance of the dead are stuck to my head. I hope the lousy feeling these movies gave me wears out soon. Funny, but I failed an aptitude test this week and I gotta answer a repeat tomorrow. So, I’m thinking on lines of a good nights sleep. Also, I had a chance to write about my favorite character – Barney Stinson. I’m going to end with him –
So say hello to Barney Stinson! The ever so charming, enigmatic, magnetic and still higher on class and style kinda guy who isn’t someone you’d spot on a regular basis. He’s surely not someone you’d find idly squatting flies in a main street coffee bar. He’s the kinda guy you’d find hitting on single twenty-two something chicks but not in some random bar. You’d find him only in McClarens! Ohhh and the part where I spoke about single woman is not entirely true. Any twenty-two year old chick is what he’d want me to write about him. He’s one of the royals, chiefs if you may, of the endearing circle of Caucasian blonde men who can bag a girl by putting her down; sometimes even after calling her a filthy whore and sleeping with her mother. Now, ain’t that legendary?
Barney’s glow is an aura you can feel from a distance. The halo above his head is deadly red. It’s a clear pointer to the fact that within him resides a mythical creature so nasty that it’d devour you but you wouldn’t die. You’d just be reborn with some awesomeness added on. He is advisor to many youngsters who dream of jumping into the invigorating world of promiscuity and binge drinking. The one thing he really hates is marriage and commitment. Don’t marry for as long as you can is what he’d say. If you are feeble and cannot control your disease which limits you to emotional dysentery for a particular girl/boy that’s the only time you may even consider about getting engaged and thereby married, which again is not advisable until you hit the plum age of 30 and this is for men. For women, if you touch 30, you’ve touched your official “Ohh-no!” moment and you’re nothing but garbage. For men, that’s the age where you are at the pinnacle of physical attractiveness. His ideas are revolutionary and they’d not only make you giggle but also excite you beyond your wildest imagination.
Some of his achievements in the areas of being a womanizing dude maestro include but are not limited to the following:
– Discovery of the Vicki Mendonca diagonal formerly known as the hot crazy scale. This means that a girl is allowed to be crazy as long as she’s moving up the hot scale. Simply put if she’s an 8.5 on the crazy scale, she’d need to be a 9+ on the hot ruler. Else, she’s out and you need to throw the hook for fresh fish. If you tend to ignore the scale, you’ll just stink in the end and trust me, this has been proven time and again by Barney.
– Barney, unknown to many is the mystical BRO who wrote the BRO CODE! Bro code is a set of rules for bro’s who hit on women together in random bars or any street that you’d like. Bro’s are governed by these rules and the code is a death line. There are no government laws governing the way in which bro’s function and thus an able man had to step up and write a book of codes. A couple of rules: A bro shall at all cost inform a mutual bro on the occasion of a girl fight and of course the golden rule No sex with a bro’s ex.
Barney usually drops his knowledge about women, sex, money and power to four of his closest friends; Ted, Lily, Marshall and Robin. Most importantly, he isn’t like you and me and that’s precisely why they call him “The Barnicle” he is different because you’d never see him in Shirts, t-shirts or jeans and trousers. Barney dresses like a hunter, a hungry lion and he hunts in suits. He suits up to get laid and he does it in style. Secondly, while guys like you and me would hide our porn, he has them neatly arranged and lit; in red again and he’s proud of his sexuality! After all that we know about him, it’s the usual tendency of people to bend towards sympathizing for all those self-loathing idiotic girls who ever slept with Barney, but the real deal is – he doesn’t hurt anyone. He makes his intensions crystal and that’s not even solid by the way, but the women still seem to get his point. His apartment isn’t a place to leave a toothbrush or lingerie behind and neither should you curl up and sleep more than your usual 12 hour sex visa, 14 if you qualify for multiple entry. Like I said, Barney is a visionary and the lemon laws he makes is going to change the world some day.
Finally, the grey part but the most important reason to Barney’s amazing demeanor is the fact that you’d never get a chance to get him feeling low or sad. His usual take on this is, “When I feel sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead, true story!” This very take on life multiplies his awesomeness and yes, he is a force to reckon with! High five to Bimbo’s, Scotch and suits, or so he’d say.
Dimmed lights, a miniscule crowd, silence and some guy far away… vigorously tapping on his keyboard; thats morning shift for you. I love this shift and I prefer working early morning than the afternoons. Luckily, I have colleagues who prefer the afternoon shifts because they’d want to sleep late into the morning hours. I’ve been in love with the early morning hours since the time I can remember myself waking up for school. Dad brushing my teeth, telling me how important it is to brush our teeth carefully; sliding the brush from top to bottom than sideways. He’d then carefully use warm water (which mom heated up on the gas) to wash my face and hands. Mom would take on from here and get me dressed and packed up for school. By around 8:15 AM I’d find myself walking to my bus stop where I’d meet my school mates and we’d play football with those small infamous rubber balls which would most usually end with someone getting hurt, but we played anyway. The early morning sun beaming down upon us felt so good then! The only worries being about the test results or probably being beaten up by Rakesh. I wasn’t allowed to have coffee then. I was a kid and add to that I had asthama which dad was meticulously weeding off by means of homeopathy and loads of love and affection. I can still feel his cheeks against mine. That was how he’d measure body temprature. He doesn’t do that anymore… infact, he hardly talks to me and he probably has umpteen reasons to be so very disconnected from him son, pfft, can’t blame him.
Today, I can sip on a cuppa coffee and take a deep breath out there in the sun as it shines down on me glimmering away and flickering sometimes from between the trees that seem to only hide my troubles, pains and sorrows; just when you feel all smothered it’d gently sway away and let a beam pass by. Is this what you call a ray of hope?
Well, I love expresso but I prefer drinking tea at work because I have this thing where tea pwns* coffee (for me) if and when its a question of keeping me awake. Luckily for me, I have Hemant working with me today and thus I get to chat up with him and listen to some music as he goes on blabbering endlessly about information I don’t need. He’d talk about reports that I’m supposed to make but I don’t cause Microsoft excel IMHO, sucks. I hate the bloody software and I hate those stupid reports. What the fuck do they make out of all these reports anyway? Nothing. As far as I’m concerned – Do you have a problem? No? Well, then I’m doing my job right. There is no way to measure what I’m doing cause well, I’m not doing much. But I’m there, you know? Just in case you need me! I’m somewhat like a handgun if you’re dropping down into a pithole to explore the caves there; you’d rather carry one and brag about it than not carry it and die just in case a monster pops out from nowhere!
I picked up an expresso today, mostly cause I was lost in thought and to think and write truthfully, I was pretty lost for words. Here is when I started about the juncture where I left my last post at. So how exactly do you fill up the void? There is no arguement to the fact that you have a hole, an empty space when you lose someone you love. For some people (like the girl I loved in this case) its easy; filling up the black hole. Infact, they don’t even require time to feel sorrowful about losing something as precious as love. They don’t need to mourn the loss of a friend and companion. All they want to do is to move on. Is it that easy? I’ve tried very hard over the past 9 months to extract myself from the mess I fell into and I have been successful but to a certain extent. She hasn’t fully left me, you know? And strands of her that remains seem like hair in your food. You can remove whats fallen in and continue eating it as if nothing happened, but then it’d be there in the back of your mind about how contaminated your food was. Then there are people like me, who’d stare at the food, get up and leave. Other, more brighter people would just get themselves a fresh serving. The last option is the most difficult one, I feel. Also, after being hurt so bad in love, how do people trust enough to fall in love again? And most importantly, ever so quickly? How do people tend to forget marriages that were broken due to small ego-fights? Relationships these days seem so unreal and fickle. A strong bond seems to be a thing of the past. I hate the fuckin’ move-on generation. To describe my exact feelings, I’d have to use some words by Pink Floyd, but it makes sense. Its a song, but I’m just going to type it down – one sentence. I was spending my time in the doldrums. I was caught in a cauldron of hate. I felt persecuted and paralyzed. I thought everything else would just wait. Its a sad feeling and it takes a lot more than just optimistic thinking to get out of. The answer is pretty simple though. Its going to be like this till the time you find someone to fill the void. The only thing you need to take care of is to not make hasty choices/decisions and try to wait a while. Give yourself a breather and then finally, don’t look for him/her. Let it happen. Hah! arranged marriage in my case, duh!
I’ve been in a state of chagrined discomfort over the past few days and I’m not sure about what actions I’d need to take in order to achieve what I really want or reach up and grab destiny by its throat. The undying problem here is, I have so many options; most of which I cannot relate to, some that I cannot get even though I can, its too much of a pun to explain so lets not go there. A couple which seem like a plausible excuse to my ever-growing reasoning on why I should go back to Pune and then a few others which are still unclear mostly cause the tinker fairies are still working on them. I’d really want to see how things shape up for me. I wish I could time travel and explore every option. Abhi and Muiz confuse me a lot and my love for Bangalore (which I cannot explain) wants me to stick on. The concern is (like I’ve said before) I’ve landed here way too early. I am unable to cope up with a monotonous job and a friendless work life. I’ve had too little and too unreal of those vibrant friendships, romances and everything else. I’d really want to live my age. Currently, I’m like this 30 year old who lives his pointless life encumbered by a thousand woes but still not looking for an answer. All I’m looking for is a passage, an escape route. Frankly, a way back into love.
The garnishing over the afromentioned soul-less dish: I bought a 500 GB Western Digital hard drive and it helps a lot because I have around 200 GB worth movies and porn and I had no place to house them. Now since I have this magical hardware thingy, I can continue raping Airtel. Movies I’ve watched over the past few days – Kidnap, Drona and Hello (Bollywood) A walk in the clouds, Fracture, Stranger than fiction, Tinkerbell, Ghost in the shell and many many more in the angrezi* section. I’m tired now and Hemant is annoying me;/ I might as well upload pictures of my HDD and this soft ball thing which I love kicking around a lot. Maybe later. Peace out.