Romantic books and movies have engulfed me off late and I’ve been reading extensively on a subject thats delicate and something that brings me very close to creativity and words – love. Its 12:45 AM and I’m about to crash. The sandmans here but I’ve kept him waiting cause I needed to write this down.
To my dear dearest,
As night falls,
And yet again,
As sleep calls,
I hope;
With you I be…
In all the dreams I see.
Good night.
-Anup
I was being paranoid the whole day today about how I don’t take care of myself and about how that lands me in trouble. I ate at the new office canteen yesterday and thats where I caught this violent intestinal regurgitation; following which the undigested contents of my experiment with fate yesterday were forcibly expelled. Out of my mouth, mind you. Disgusting! I suffered from food poisoning and I’ve promised to never eat at work again. So while I was taking care of myself and as I watched Yuvraj and Sehwag thrash the Sri Lankans, I found this notepad where I had randomly written stuff about myself.
Now, I’m probably obsessing about myself here, but then, what the hell? This is my place. Here goes:
-Anup
I learnt all of a sudden and as an unwanted revelation that I live amongst people who have no strings attached. They aren’t attached to anyone who are not their own. Greedy and selfish all the more, these people plague my life. Most of the people I meet have words which they vomit like it’s an involuntary push in them. Most of the words they use are words which have no meaning and even if they have sense attached to it; it turns out to be information you cannot trust. Actions, as I believe happen to be an aftermath of words already used and thought off. Words, as we all know are like bullets; once fired, you cannot regain control of them. Most of the people I know happen to be ignorant about what they say, including me; I’d say. I have had so many occasions where my seniors and people I trust have walked up to me and corrected me. Told me that I’ve been wrong on these occasions and that I must change the way I react to my environment.
Something out of nothing:
People, busy and running after more time…
Days, months and years aren’t enough they say,
They need more to earn their dime.
Loveless and without a heart,
We continue pulling our square wheeled cart.There seems to be no hope,
Cause all I see is people cry;
As per them, money and time are to elope!
I try to run away sometimes,
Where are my people with whome I’d give a try?
They’re all stuck up within time’s crimes.So I pull myself out of the wreckage,
Scarred but alive, hurt but I survive.
I’m surrounded by this apocalyptic wasteland,
And here’s where I meet people who, for love are parched,
But are brave enough to say, “Hey! No strings attached.”
No strings attached. This was a statement someone used a while back. It’s a statement that shakes me out of my veins because of the complexity involved. I believe, as per the way I’ve lived that there are strings that connect to me and from me to the people around me. Those I call friends and family. That’s the way I talk to myself and make-believe that I’m really alive. I like the strings and I need them desperately. How odd is it that some people do not have any strings attached. Sentiments and emotions are nothing more than clichéd remade fables which they hate, experiences that happen to them every day and something that they choose to ignore with a certain amount of pleasure.
I hate myself for being emotionally overshadowed by people who don’t care. I know it very well that they don’t mean much when they say the things they do. They don’t care much about how I feel or why I do the things I do. It’s always been weird that everyone I’ve loved has always wanted something from me. Unconditional love is something I’ve never experienced. It must be a wonderful feeling, wouldn’t it? I mean, when you own someone and someone owns you back.Heh, unconditional love! Bullshit. I understand that there are people who like to maintain the distance and I agree that it’s essential when you live in such a sticky world! All so full of people who are so fragile that they break their hearts themselves and all so full of people like me who hurt themselves all so often. But then, sometimes, try and be human? How difficult is that? I find it very difficult to comprehend the mental state of people who are ignorant and callous. People, who can ignore another person and what he/she feels, people who are nothing more than assoholic backstabbers. I pity their very existence. I don’t have anything more to say. I’m done, tired and worried about why people are – the way they are. I hate em’ all.
-Anup
I’ve always been in love with the smaller things in life. I’d take my time to savour every second of such an occasion and my brains full of these tiny but important things. Come to think of it now, I don’t like thinking of the more complicated problems I or anyone else has for that matter. I’m better off in my world of bits and tinier bits.
I was talking to Ruch yesterday and it was from there that I had this whole thought of expressing whatever was in my heart. Again, I’ve not yet learnt the basic instinct where we humans think and act from different parts of our body. For me, its all heart and I’d want to change but I can’t seem to help myself now. Ruch was telling me about her small squabbles at home and how it affects her. The weird feeling in me was about how drabby life would be without these small fights at home. No reason to cry, no reason to apologize, fights with mom and siblings, a sibling who adores you, a father who acts tough but isn’t and most importantly the food mom cooks! Foods the reason for all make-ups at my place. We’d all have to face each other at the table, whatever the fight be!
I sometimes feel like I’m watching the world around me from a distance and I look at all those people running around for glitz, glamour and glory. I’m confused, do I really want to be a part of the mob or am I happy where I am; this distant space in time where its just me and I’m looking at the world? I’m not a part of the race. I don’t feel the need to excel in anything. I don’t feel like competing cause I always find myself running on a different plateau and I’m tired of running. Why should I bother competing with myself? I can see everyone else running a race they’d never finish. Trying desperately to outrun everyone else. And in this feeble attempt at winning life’s race they’d forget to wait and notice whats whizzing by. Its beauty unlike what they’ve ever seen. I am contented with what I have and with the way I live life but I feel the need to share the infinite joys I find in smaller things and I find no one to share it with cause everyone else is running. I know, I might sound depressing. But then, think about it how many of us have the time to:
I can think of many more small reasons to feel happy for life but then I feel the world around me has turned anhedonic and what makes them happy is success, power, money and everything else thats nothing but temporary. I guess people would laugh at me for being a dorky dreamer or a whacko freak but then I’ve learnt to not give a shit and then again – Ignorance is bliss! I feel sad for myself cause I’m part of the mob and I sometimes tend to flow in its flow. Here again, I remember the time when I was in love. Man!! I so miss those seconds… those seconds when I watched her walk back home and I waited for her to fade off, waited for her to whisper a ‘love you’ as she clenched onto my jelly belly and we drove off to nowhere, watched her eyes close ever so slowly as we kissed; seemed like eons of neverending glee… THEN! Now, I don’t quite know what to make of all of that. I’m just part of the move on generation and all I can do is move on ever so nonchalant, lost for words and love.
-Anup
I’ve always been strongly opiniated about the fact that education isn’t merely restricted to the letters you add to your name and the data you can mug up in order to attain those degrees and letters. Mugging up or by-hearting as we call it has been something I’ve despised from the time I started dealing with the harsh reality of not being a very bright student, or so they declared – average. An average student. Why? Like I said in my previous post, a B+ was the best letter on my score card and I was proud of my achievement because mugging up was the hardest thing for me to do. I couldn’t quite understand its need. Why should I mug up? I could never absorb the meriting system in school and shrunk away from any kind of competitive exams. These were ruled by the so called brighter blob of the mob that we were. A mob of culturally, intellectually and linguistically different people. The cream, I remember, consisted of a handful of kids who either had photogenic memory (lucky by birth) or the sloggers; those who burnt the night oil all through the year (academically forward by choice). I wouldn’t classify either of these two sets of people as “intelligent” though. These were and are kids who manage to vomit information onto the answer paper. Doesn’t make them anymore intelligent than what I am.
Intelligent, as far as I’m concerned are those kids who can reason. Those who can answer by giving solutions to problems and not spilling out solutions given by someone else. Intelligence is the watermark which differentiates people who can absorb, understand and radiate; contradicting the current theory that kids who have a good academic track record are intelligent. They are good with books, no doubt but thats just about where the comparison ends. I used to hate being in competition with any of these nerds. I have had my way with books and I’d want it to be that way. I have never mugged up and I will never do it in the future either. Its alright if that makes me a failure. I have my principles and I will live by them. Also, not to forgot, I have met very few people whom I consider intelligent and Sanket is one of them. We call him scientific Sanket, just for kicks. This is a guy you could turn to for reasons on anything and everything. Luckily, he isn’t the kinds who’d slog either. Thats precisely what I like about him. He’s plain intelligent. No more flattery. Another thing I’ve learnt from him is that intelligent people (the real ones) tend to be people who cannot accept the fact that they can be wrong once in a while, they are arrogant (mostly) and most of them think of you and me as pests. Just my hypothesis. Its alright if there are no takers to my thesis.
The education system we have in India has been flawed forever now and even though I see some improvements cropping up now especially in parts of Kerala, the overall dearth in intelligent people lead me to believe that we need an awakening. The possibility of which is very grim since we currently have a fatherhood of people who are from the immediate post-independance era. Thus, according to them, education is limited to what is taught in school, whats mugged up and puked out. Its in your head only if its in your scorecard. I’m hoping, from the pit of my heart that things change. Education be more interactive and thought provoking than what it is. There should be optional subjects of study. And as far as choosing a stream of study, a profession and everything along its path, this should be left upto the individual. All the parents must do is to support him/her in whatever way they can. I sometimes see the plight of little kids carrying bagpacks twice their own size. I’ve known of 12 year old kids who don’t play anymore because they have three competitive exams coming up and they have homework. So what about the simpler, more important pleasures in life as a kid? What about playing games, falling and hurting yourself, teasing and be teased, friendship? I mean, would all of this be limited to the walls engulfing the little ones along with stacks of never ending books? I shudder at the very thought of such a fate!
I’m sometimes amazed at how I achieved what I did. How did I ever complete 12 years of schooling and around 6 years of college (Junior and Senior) I have no clue of how I managed to get that Bachelors degree. I cross my heart and hope to die, I haven’t mugged up ever since I was like what 10. I still managed to clear and not only clear, I did average on most occasions. Until there was the time when I was the prodigal son who broke a fathers dream and instead of going into Engineering I turned to a stream I knew I’d never be happy in – Commerce. I had to do that cause I scored outrageously bad in my 12th boards. I faintly remember those years and I can’t stop smiling. There was this godly hand above me else I’d never have cleared academics. Dad still seems to dwelve in the possibility of me educating myself further. I always lose in a debate or an argument when it comes to dad because I can’t yell at him like he can. That’d mean I’m being disrespectful. After a certain point its just waiting… waiting for the collosal damage being done to whatever I’ve accomplished so far to end. Waiting in brutal agony. Sometimes, I think about ways in which I could make him happy. But then, guess what? There isn’t any. He seems to have given up on me. His son couldn’t be an Engineer. Pfft, loser. Anyway, here’s a public apology father. I’m very sorry I couldn’t accomplish your dreams for me. I wasn’t made to study a course which required a lot of money and dedication. I’m too much in love with life and I’d like to LIVE every second of it. I never wanted to be an Engineer. And yes, I couldn’t be one even if I wanted to be. I do not understand derivatives and integration and trigo. I don’t understand their purpose in my life. It was too much of a burden on me anyway. WARNING: no misconceptions here. I love my dad very much. I couldn’t get him what he wanted and I feel sorry about it but he’s my role model. I wish I was as perseverant as he is. I wish I was as awesome as he is! But dad, lets agree? Educated today is overrated and I’m a living testament to the fact that you can do well without an Engineering degree. Booyah!
-Anup
