Happy till the next deterioration.

Huh!? What? Alright, here’s the thing; I hate this, but I’m living a life full of addictions. I like a thing and then I get stuck to it. I get stuck to it till the time I get bored of it or it gets bored of me. This is irrespective of things, people and the internet. These days, I’m addicted to something I had left long back. I used to loathe it then, but here I am again; ORKUT! Goddamn you.  Well, fuck this. I’m not too sure about how long I’d stick to orkut anyway. One fine day, I’m sure I’d find a reason to hate it, a ruse which would drive me away from it. Till that time, happy hunting for people I know!melt

I’m ok with getting stuck to music though. I’m not sure why, but I always end up getting stuck to numbers I like. The new album from POTF is nice. I like it and its playing; at home and at office, continously and it doesn’t bore me to go through the music over and over again. That being said, my classes have begun – CCNA at Mohans Networking institute. I must say, I’m fascinated by what I’ve heard so far and I’m looking forward to some more interesting sessions. Lectures that will include topics like Subnetting, switching, routing, protocols used for communication, IPv6 and a few others. I’m hoping for good discussions on these topics because I’m sure that I’d need all this later on. I payed 6 grands to start off with and guess I can pay off the rest by next month. Thats good, else I’d have been broke this month. I earn enough, I know, but somehow, my budget was shaky this month.

Office isn’t too busy these days. I have my usual set of things that I do, apart from that nothing that excites me a lot. Especially since I’m covering nights. I feel ok with night shifts somehow. Dad did not seem to like it much. I’m hoping for this month to pass of quick and for May to come in really really quick. I can’t wait for hitting the roads and driving over to Goa. Meeting Abhi, Muiz and Sanket. It’d be fun!

I feel good almost always these days and I guess I’ve escaped from the charade of liars that plagued my life. No, I don’t hate them, but I’m happy to be far away, never to see all of them again. They seem to still visit me via nightmares, but I manage to set them all aside when I’m living my life these days. Somehow, my experiences seem to have made me stronger. Like Lijo said, I don’t hate you for breaking my heart. I’m thankful to you for teaching me how to live with it. Its made me stronger and I’ll live well – no doubts. Uhm, so thats the deal – I’m happy now, but I’m sure that out of plain ignorance I’ll jump into something that’s going to cause me trouble anyway. I can’t seem to help myself. My affinity towards pain and suffering is worth the giggle! So… guess I can be Happy till the next deterioration.

-Anup

Revolution Roulette.

RRRevolution Roulette – Poets of the fall album 3 is out.

Soundtracks:

01. (00:04:06) –  Poets Of The Fall – More
02. (00:06:57) –  Poets Of The Fall – The Ultimate Fling
03. (00:06:17) –  Poets Of The Fall – Revolution Roulette
04. (00:04:28) –  Poets Of The Fall – Psychosis
05. (00:04:13) –  Poets Of The Fall – Fragile
06. (00:03:41) –  Poets Of The Fall – Clevermind
07. (00:03:58) –  Poets Of The Fall – Miss Impossible
08. (00:04:16) –  Poets Of The Fall – Diamonds For Tears
09. (00:03:54) –  Poets Of The Fall – Passion Colors Everything
10. (00:03:36) – Poets Of The Fall – Save Me
11. (00:05:18) – Poets Of The Fall – Where Do We Draw The Line

I haven’t been able to learn the music in it as of yet. Downloaded the album and played it once. I was sleepy, so couldn’t think much on the lyrics. The music seems good, but somehow I like the older albums more; I feel. But then, we do have a few songs in RR, which are awesome and I totally love the way POTF makes music. A must get set of songs, I’d say.

Fought with mom yesterday. Uncalled for, trivial reasons and I guess I made her cry. Sucks to be me. She said that it was ok and forgave me; as usual when I called her later in the evening to apologize. She said, huh!? Ok, so you’d have to begin apologizing for 24 years of troubles and worries then, so, beat it. Anyway, I did say that I was sorry and hung up. Tried calling dad later yesterday. I thought he’d be free in the night cause he works late these days, mom had said. This time though, he had come early and was off to sleep in no time. Mom said he’d call back, but I know that keeps very busy and that he may not call back unless the pressure at work has subsided.

Watched a few good movies over the weekend – The Notebook, Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind and August Rush. I loved all the movies and they did make me feel good. Romanticity in the air. Apart from this, its been 3 days since I went to the gym and I should have gone today, but I can’t because I’m sleepy and all I want to do is go home and crash. I’m really tired. I’d begin from tomorrow onwards, I guess. Well yeah, thats it; I’m sleepy. Night shifts for 2 weeks now. *yawn*

-Anup

Insomnia; amongst other problems.

I’ve been wondering for the past hour or so now, about why it is that I’m awake. I saw a nice movie, it got over late and I know its Saturday night, but the thing is; Ratheesh who is here with me hit the bed and began snoring 40 minutes back. He took approximately 12 minutes to go into deep slumber. Well, thats something I really envy a lot of people for – Sleep. Sneha sleeps so peacefully, no worries, she looks so fresh when she wakes up. I’ve been telling myself that I’ve been sleeping enough, but I know that I’ve been doing a shitty job at giving myself some rest. Rest for my brain and heart which do not stop thinking and working. I’m worried about myself.

Anyway, last week went as expected… fruitless, pointless, jobless and yes overall it was another week I’d forget. Like the week never happened. I took a day off on Friday and decided to spend some time with my cousin. I adore him and the way he takes things so easily. Guess its just the beginning and he’s going to have to deal with a lot of shit. Shit thats coming his way fast and with a lot of thunder. Well, good that he has me around to help him out *winks* so yeah, we spent the entire day playing games and talking. We decided to watch a movie and he picked up the most disgraceful movie ever made – Alien Vs Hunter. Hell yeah! there’s a movie with that name, go check it up. Trust me, its nothing less than utter crap. It was nearly as good as you and me wearing masks and running around pretending to be aliens. We decided to cut the crap and get back to gaming. After this I went off to meet Ratheesh and Avi for dinner. It was Ratheesh’s birthday on the 28th and I got wet in the rain on my way back. Bangalore rocks – rains whenever I feel sad *winks again*

Ratheesh returned with me and I’m happy that I’m not alone over the weekend. He’s a chirpy fellow who keeps talking and never lets me roam onto nostalgic, burnt patches of my thoughts which would just make me sad. I went and picked up Deepak from forum (I have no clue why!) I guess I should have asked him to take a rick or something; he isn’t a chick you see. Well, maybe next time. So, I picked him up and we watched a mallu movie together. Together, technically, yes. Deepak dozed off on the bed midway. Ordered some shitty food, watched some more movies, Ratheesh made some weirdish, tea-ish kinda thing which we drank and then we hit the roads again! Roamed around in forum, dropped Deepak home, had dinner and came back home. We then watched a mallu movie which totally rocked and I’m currently in a malluish mood full of mallu thoughts (No! I know what you’re thinking and no, its not porn!) well a lot of thoughts and emotions in me that make me a mallu seemed to resurface and I like it. I also realized my long lost love for Karnatic music. I actually like it a lot, the way they sing and express complex mallu words and syllables.

Thats it then and I was supposed to sleep an hour ago, but I still can’t sleep. I roamed around on orkut for a while, got bored and thought of writing in. I’m still not sleepy, so some music maybe and then eventually; I hope my tired eyes give way to a few hours of rest. The music that I listen to like an OCD patient are – Rabbi Shergil – Kitni der tak, Atif Aslam – Meri Kahani, KK – Aasman ke and Teri yaadein – Love story. I know! I need to do something about my unending want for love and romance. I feel stupid sometimes about the way I feel about these songs. A lot of people seem to float around me and these songs make me happy. Crazy shit, I must sleep now. Another day in paradise comes to end.

-Anup

Aasman ke…

Asmaan ke hain sare taare
Hai Mera chaand kahan
Ankhein hai num
Dil mein hai gum
Ho kuch to rehem khuda
OuouOO Oo
Mere Pyaar se Mila
OuouOO Oo

Sun Le meri dua
Hai char din zindagi
Gum hai Bepanaah
Yeh dil mera kho gaya
Dard-e-be-dawa
Berang hai Mera jahan
Kismat meri Saza zara

Asmaan ke hain sare taare
Hai Mera chaand kahan
Ankhein hai num
Dil mein hai gum
Ho kuch to rehem khuda
OuouOO Oo
Mere Pyaar se Mila
OuouOO Oo
Sun Le meri dua

Chahat ki rasmon ko
Hum nibahye Jaate hain
Isqh ke dard ko sehte hain
Aahon mein Ashko Mein
Raaatein Guzre Sanam
Imtehaan Sab De Chuke
Abb to Dede Sila
OuouOO Oo
Mere Pyaar se Mila
OuouOO Oo
Sun Le meri dua
Hai char din zindagi
Gum hai Bepanaah
Yeh dil mera kho gaya
Dard-e-be-dawa
Berang hai Mera jahan
Kismat meri Saza zara

Dil-e-Nada Maane Abb Na
Yeh zid pe hai Yahan
Chahton De Nishani
Ya Mita Mere Nishan
Berang Hai Mera Jahan
Kismat meri saza zara

[OuouOO Oo
Mere Pyaar se Mila
OuouOO Oo
Sun Le meri dua]2

Damn! K.K has sung this song to perfection. The video is total pwnage and the girl in it is damn cute; I think! 94.3 FM rocks my life as usual. I never thought that a radio station would affect my life so much. I wake up sometimes all darned and thinking about why I have to live and the only thing I can think of is to tune to 94.3! Usually its like nearing afternoon and the songs they play, songs like: Meri Kahani, Aasman ke, Rabbi Shergil and all of those… these were songs I’d listen and forget. I’ve always liked songs like these, but then hey! I’m cool, you know? Fuck you Anu, you’re just plain stupid and its music you love, whatever they be. If your ears approve of it, be cool about it, just listen to it and make yourself feel good. I’ve always tried to adapt to music the masses liked! Dunno why, but these are the days of revelations and epiphany’s. They seem to roll down on in huge numbers each day.

Its continuing to drizzle and rain in Bangalore. I love the weather right now. Keeps me happy most of the times. I like it at work these days. Mostly because of the drizzle, the shadow overhead, the gym and but of course – the people. These are people I usually thought would never be around me. I thought I’d stick to these few, a limited set of 5-6 people and they’d continue to keep the light glowing for me. Well, guess what? Life’s such that it’d always prove you wrong. The people I have around me now are very simple people. Sometimes kiddish but helpful nevertheless and always there to keep me happy. The guy who works with me or rather the guy who does all my work is Hemant; I’m happy that he’s always around to take over what I’ve left behind. He’s a kid most often than not and he keeps fighting with Ratheesh, who is the other guy who keeps pace with my life which is moving real fast.

These days its more than a peak’a’boo at Forum! I practically live there on weekends. I’m gaming more and more and I totally love the idea. Playing God of war in God mode gives me the push! I think I spent around 5 hours trying to cross a 10 minute patch of land just because the game was running in God mode. Heh, I seriously suck at it. But I’m getting there. I’m sure of beating them all; in God mode, yes!

Kuttapi is done with his exams and I’m sure that he’s on cloud number 9 by now. He needs my PS2 and it’d probably go to him for sure. The guy deserves it! I’m sure he might have burnt his nights studying. I just hope he does well. Abhi, the last warrior DS 3 had in CVG has also resigned and I’m happy for him. May he do well. He’s off to Mumbai. I wish he’d come here, but then I guess thats not happening for a while. Apart from that, Bangalore still rocks and everyday seems to be new. The weekend swept by very quick. Saturday I got myself enrolled for the Masters thing and I was out with Hemant and Kamal. Met a friend in the evening over tea, then met Ratheesh and we watched Race; was ok, not all that great, but a yes-watch. A one time watch even. The plot was complicated, but they managed to carry it off well. I liked Saif; he rocked as usual. The rest of them were just wandering around doing stunts they could otherwise have never done. Sunday was lazy and we watched Roadies at 12. Thats one awesome show. Shanbhavi is cute, but I like Prabhjot more. We then watched a mallu movie – Kathaparayumbol, which means “Telling you a story” yeah, malayalam is a complex language! Tuesday ends. Om 31staya namaha…

-Anup

P.S: The section on “People” is still lost!

Drizzle me back!

RainThis might sound like another one of my posts dedicated to my love for this city – Bangalore and Yes! It sure is. I love this city very much. I thought I had stopped wanting to be here or sometimes I ended up thinking that the others who bitched about this place were right. God Bangalore traffic, the people, the food, the crowd, the expensive place that it is and it went on. Most people crossed usual limits of hatred when describing their time here in Bangalore. I wouldn’t want to sound like an insensitive bastard who doesn’t under their feelings, but seriously; is this place that bad?

I mean, common, whats wrong? Traffic? You’ve got FM, you’ve got music, you’ve got people, you’ve got such a lot of things to do when you’re stuck in traffic. What else? Its crowded? I actually feel more secure because of all the people I find around me. And moreover, it is unsafe, they say. Tell me, where is it safe these days anyway? Its unfair to curse the city for stupid reasons like traffic, unfriendly people and overcrowded malls. If you don’t like the malls because its crowded; don’t go! If you don’t like the people, don’t talk. I really can’t loathe the masses enough; those who curse this city for no reason. Hey you! Yes, you… I despise you.

When I look at this city, I see my future here. I look at the roads and I see that they’re working on it. The traffic, ahh, its chaotic, I throw a tantrum whenever I feel like it, but thats when the FM comes into picture and I seem to forget the pain! Now, I’m sure a lot of people aren’t patient, but trust me, you just need to give yourself in. The more you struggle, the more you end up frustrating yourself. I’ve learned that its better to give in than struggle in this god forsaken world. People don’t know love anymore, so why would you try? Just let yourself go and let time fly by! Things will happen as they are supposed to. You and I cannot alter time or the proceedings it carries with itself. All we can do is swim along or against its waves, but then, it’ll decide who wins and who drowns!

Must stop myself from ranting so much. Anyway, the deal is, its drizzling, here in Bangalore and when it drizzles, I just fall in love with the world around me. The roads, the green leaves dripping droplets of heavenly tears, the wet puppies vigorously shaking themselves off of all the mud and water they’ve just played in. The people getting wet and still managing to smile! Finally, me. I love the rains so so much! Especially when its just drizzling, when its just perfect, when it isn’t a downpour, when it seems like its evening for 3 days in a row. The whole weather and the breeze make me happy. I love the nostalgia that grips me after that and luckily, all the moments I have thought of up to now have been “those golden moments” I’ve managed to keep myself away from feeling bad for myself or anyone else and I must say that I’ve been very successful at it. I’m sure its going to get hotter in Bangalore soon and then we’d probably have non-stop rain for days… after June that is. So, there’ll come this day where I’d really want to sing “Rain rain go away, come again another day!” but till that day comes, I’m just going to wait for it to rain more and I’m going to enjoy this drizzle of hope!

Other news; 94.3 FM rocks. I love all the RJ’s there, Pavithra, Anjaan, Prithvi, Pallavi, Shilpa and so on! My family has moved out of our old place… again! Yes, *sigh* Thats like the n’th house that we’re shifting to in over 3 years. Works good. The ambiance within HP still seems to own me. The monkeys are now scared of me; I guess. I scared one of their alfa males off recently and it was fun! I rammed my car into a pillar today and I’ve marked it like a man from one of the olden Zulu tribes. Its covered with blood stains from all the pounding that I give it. I love this song by Atif Aslam – Meri Kahani. Fucking nostalgic; but I feel he rocks. I’m going to educate myself more, finally. Its Holi celebrations tomorrow and I’d probably be alone. I don’t care. Yeah, thats it.

-Anup

Bangalore traffic – An Irony.

On a journey!I somehow dislike the current shift I’m working in. For some, its a dream shift; 2 PM to 11PM. This means, you can sleep on time and wake up late. I’d really prefer the morning shift, you know? It lets me do a couple of things I like doing, like take a long shower early in the morning right under the shower – cold water falling on me. It kind of helps me a lot. It wakes me up, forces my brain to start thinking and makes me shiver a bit. I like the cold feeling. Its weird, they say, but then thats what I like. Once thats done, I get into my car at around 5:30 and race down Nice Road, which leads straight to my office. I touch a whooping 140kmph and it makes me feel good. Let the glasses down and feel the cold wind against my face, listen to music and zoom down. Then, the walk from the car park to my desk is extremely refreshing. Catch up some hot breakfast and tea and settle down for another cliche-filled day!

As of now, its kind of complicated – I have to bear up with the wrath of the sea of vehicles at 2 in the afternoon when I’m sleepy. But the irony here is, I don’t mind that either. Usually, people get annoyed and they put their vehicles into all kind of funny positions on a small road. People just can’t make up their mind. Assume that you’re going south and there is traffic thats moving from your opposite end. You can SEE the huge trucks coming at you and trust me, you can see it very clearly. Even after this, you’d find uncles and aunties and youngsters and kids push their vehicles; of all sizes mind you, to a new level of stupidity. They’d make rows and rows, they’d overtake when they shouldn’t, they’d travel over footpaths and bump into pedestrians and start a word fight, you’d find them falling into holes and ditches and man, I find it all funny and it makes me giggle. I manage to find a truck and I stick to it till it takes me to my destination. I’ve noticed, the more you try to go ahead, the more you end up being late. Just hang on and you’ll reach there eventually.

What peps me up is the fact that I can listen to the radio throughout – 94.3 FM, whatte fun! The station for the fatafat generation. I’m not sure why, but I like that station a lot. They seem to play all the songs I like and I love the RJ’s there. Most of all, I love the way they include Kannada into English and Hindi. That way, I can relate to the words and thus, slowly teach myself some Kannada. Now, since I’m very sure that this is going to be the city which I’d base myself in, I’d like to learn some Kannada. On rare occasions though, they play songs from “Jodha Akbar” and that kinda ticks me off. For those few occasions I have a CD full of my favourite English tracks; well, so overall, I like the music filled alone time I get in my car. I think a lot, mostly about stuff that I shouldn’t think of, but then, I’m cracked up a bit, so those thoughts aren’t going to go off easy. I forgive myself for it, cause what I felt wasn’t small. The good thing here is that I also think about things that are really important to me right now. Uhm, maybe like educating myself some more? and of course, questions like, what next? Friends? Family? My car? My house? Music?! Loads of things. I get a solid 45 minutes to an hour to think hard. And how do I forget about Shamraajpeth Charles and Nammu Rajni saaru! Two charecters I love a lot from Radio one 94.3 FM!

So, you mean you don’t get enough time at home? Well, no, I don’t. My home schedule is kind of restricted to a few things because of which I don’t get a lot of time to think. Most importantly, I spend very little time at home if I don’t have a movie to watch or a game to play. I end up going to my aunts place where I’d talk with her and my cousins. The kiddo (my cousin brother) is someone I like a lot. Mostly because he reminds me of the way I was. That kind of scares me actually and I hope that he finds the right way, instead of the highway; no worries though, he’d find me there! From what he’s told me all his Class Xth exams have been good, if not awesome. I’m sure he’ll do well. So, yes, I talk to the kids, talk to my Aunt, who is just like mom, but an extremely interesting conversationalist. Someone to whome you can talk and feel like an adult and a kid at the same time. Someone who wouldn’t let you win just cause you’re a kid. Someone who’d argue and fight for small things and at the same time make you feel important. Overall, I feel very happy when I’m there. I come home to play, sleep, TV and clothes. Ohh, and how do I forget – my cars there. I’ve got parking which is very important when you’re in Bangalore.

I met an old friend over the weekend and I’m very happy about meeting her. She thought I was a “stupid” little boy lost in love and referred to me as “stupid” a million times. It did not annoy me though. It just made me feel that I’m ok! So, yeah, I spoke to her and another friend of mine for some time on the phone and I am extremely pleased to announce that either he’s very good with voices or I’m an influential person; but after 3 years of absence, he still seemed to know who I was as soon as I spoke the first word! Man, was I happy! I guess I’ll meet him soon and maybe we’ll have an oldies get together of sorts. It’d be good.

Well, thats it for the weekend and my love for a radio station. The baseline here is, however much people say that Bangalore is falling down the hole, I still love this place and hey, I don’t mind the traffic! The ones who loathe this place might as well just take their asses and LEAVE!

-Anup

Random bullshit.

So what if you’ve loved me, she asked.
So what if you’ve given me the things you say you have…
You never gave me what I really wanted; she continued.
I wanted freedom, why couldn’t you just let me be, she went on.
And on she went, ranting about how I was a jailor,
She felt like a prisoner… she lamented!

I pleaded to know what it was that I did wrong,
Why did she hate me so much? thats all that I asked her,
I don’t need to answer you, she flared up, hot in flames nearly,
She asked me not to yell or I wouldn’t hear from her;
Ohh no! that just meant that she would never talk to me again.
It was coming anyway, I thought and continued to question her…
Like an ass who couldn’t hold on to his dignity.
Pfft, there isn’t much left now anyway, is there Anu?

I continued to tell her what I felt and how all of what happened hurt me,
You are always hurt and crying anyway, she replied callously.
Did you make an attempt to help me, I asked.
Here is where she gave her regular list of “OHH NO!! things” that I did.
-You broke my aspirations.
-You gave me nothing but things.
-You annoyed me with your phone calls and messages.
-You are annoying.
-You took away my friends.
What? Ok. Anything more? I am still trying to look for a reason…
She was quite for a while and sighed a heavy *sigh* and said;
I did what I did cause I felt like,
And if I did wrong and like you say, Gods watching, isn’t he?
Well, I’d let him punish me, not you.

The call ended here and she was brave enough to write to me,
She said she wanted me to “let her be”
And she doesn’t want to talk to me.
Finally, words which mean nothing to me, apologies.
I did not brood over what happened from there on.
I’d rather write than think, sets my mind free.
Or maybe its just something I feel…
Complex human emotions, love, hatred, lust, greed, selfishness; I saw everything.
I’ve experienced a human side in two people,
that would otherwise have never come out.

Love isn’t fair, and out of experience I can say, you have to be plain lucky.
What has to come to you, will.
It might go all over the place, but in the end, its coming to you.
Whats not yours will never be.
You’ll see a mirage and you’ll live in a dream,
But one fine day, the dreams going to break, like a brimming soap bubble.
The remaining bubbles full of soap will fall into your eyes.
If that annoys you – let it not! Continue…
You just can’t quit living; damn, that sucks!
I realize now, I’m so tired…

-Anup

R.I.P love.

BRLife seems to have come to a screeching halt after love ended. I’ve been staring at this wall of uncertainty for ever now; expecting that “invisible” turn which people say exists to turn visible for me. I desperately need to move my hands and legs. Take the turn and continue my life. Its not that I wish to be like this. Its as I explained to all my close ones (people who keep trying to help me out) my heart just wanders off. Its not that I am trying to think of her or the gorgeous seconds we spent, apparently as a pair in endless love. Thoughts flow and then I just cant stop myself from pitying myself. Self pity sucks! I know. I really want to help myself, its just that I’m waiting. I know that I’m probably sounding like a lovestruck fool with all heart and no brain, but thats incorrect again. The heart depends on the brain for flashbacks, you know?

For you, luvey:

Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back
when you hang up on him, who will stay awake just to watch you sleep.
Wait for the guy who kisses your forhead, who wants to show you off to
the world when you are in your sweats, who holds your hand in front of
his friends, Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how
much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you. Wait for the
one who turns to his friends and says, “…that’s her.”

So, she is gone and I’ve quit running. R.I.P love I don’t want you to ever happen to me again! I also know that I must stop writing about love, her and other things related to her on this blog, its high time that I wrote about more productive stuff, like technology. I really want to do that. Write about something which has meat in it. I’m going to try and do that, but not now. I think its high time I went into hibernation for a few days, weeks, months… hope it doesn’t grow into years! Anyway, its time for a hiatus. I’ll be back, later, maybe!

And I thought about it again, going away and not writing that is! Do I really need to do all this? Trouble myself for no apparent fault of mine? I’ve sulked enough and seriously, I don’t feel half as bad as what I used to, like maybe 2 weeks ago! So, probably all I need is time and I’ll get there. I’m going to hang on tight and let myself continue downhill for some time more. I’m sure and ohhh, I assure you’ll – all you guys who love me and have been with me throughout, that I’ll climb back again and I’m sure that I’ll do well. Infact, much better. I’ll surely write more regularly and yes, I will complete that section on people very soon. Promise.

-Anup

P.S: I found Faith. And ohh, Maroon 5 is nice.

Monkey trouble!

I had the laugh of my life today. The coolest part is, I laughed at myself and I just couldn’t stop laughing. Ohh! No, I’m sane. It just so happened that I met an ancestor in a wierdish way! HP is a green place. Eco friendly and a lovely place to be. I love the ambience so much so that I end up taking a walk all the time; just to stare at the grass, the trees and for the fresh air that keeps blowing up on your face. Most usually, its with Ratheesh, Avinash or with Nikhil these days. I drink a lot of tea and yes, its fun discussing technical stuff with Avinash.

We went down for some tea and chat just around the time when dusk was setting in and I love it outside during that time. I grabbed a “Tiger” and some tea and walked out with a handful of guys. Infact, I remember that there were quite a few people with me at that time. Surprizingly, Hemant was there with me too! He usually ends up being in another shift, but he had stayed back on this specific day. So, yes, we walked out to the smoking zone, tea in hand and ready for some talk. I sat down along with Amit, this hunky guy at work and had the rest of the guys facing me. We began discussing some stuff and I was talking to Hemant if I remember the incident correctly. Suddenly I saw all the guys running backwards and looking at me. I saw their eyes gaze to something behind me. I turned and found this rather large monkey walking with all its might towards the biscuit in my hand. I thought it wanted the tea I had (that was stupid of me!) So I kept the cuppa tea there, dropped the biscuit and jumped off.

Here’s the cool part. The monkey tore the plastic cover off quite comfortably and munched down all the biscuits without leaving me a bite! I managed to get back my tea though and I was really pissed at myself for giving him my biscuits. Hrmphhh, hope you’re happy you ape! The monkeys then continued to ransack a container full of supplies which was kept outside. The guys were carting them in, but they left the containers open and the monkeys made away with a couple of bottles of juices, some packets of foodstuff and other things too, like razors! Anyway, I had a hearty laugh at myself later and at the whole incident. I mean, no kidding, the monkey looked dangerous to me with its teeth clenched and the way it looked me in the eyes. These apes aren’t scared of anyone, they just roam the campus as if its their land and we must share our food with them since we’re using their space!

That being said, the workload has increased and I manage to keep myself busy for most part of the day. I feel lonely sometimes. Like, I miss her once in a while, not always and not anymore, anyway, but yes, I do miss her. Then I miss my family and friends. I really miss Abhi, Muiz and Smikh. Smikh keeps busy or uhm, I’m not sure she pretends to be busy, because thats how she maintains that distance from people to whome she shouldn’t get too close. Abhi is hell busy too, since the call flow in DS is in an all time high. Muiz was busy too, the last time that I spoke to him. The people who have loads of time for me are Radha Aunty, my cousins at home here in Bangalore, mom and Sneha. Dad is busy with the financial year ending work.

I’ve thought about writing a new section. I need more ideas and I’m drawing the initial sketch for the page. I’ll begin working on it once I have a fair idea of what I want. Its a section called “People” where I’d end up writing about important people in my life. I was also thinking on lines where I could amalgamate a gallery into wordpress, but I don’t have a lot of bright ideas right now and somehow, I lack the required motivation for such a project. The other ideas I’m working on is, Health, music and ohh, earning some more wealth! I’m going to work towards this from next week on and try to keep myself away from any weird thoughts. I’d need to get me to believe in myself and really WANT to start living again. It isn’t too hard they say and I trust them! My mom talks to me each day and tells me about how my pain worries her a lot. She is someone I cannot hurt for long and I know that its time I stop troubling her. I’ve always given her pain and I’m not proud about it. Dad seems to be ok. Sneha is doing fine, college and friends. She’s probably having the time of her life and I feel stupid for having troubled her with teared up phone calls at 2 in the morning. Man, I’ve been sucking up big time. Cribbing about how my life sucks instead of working on it. I mean, its not all that hard, you know? No. I don’t! Thats what I feel. Its not all that easy. Its just not easy to forget what I felt for a person. Its not easy to forget the time spent together. Its nearly impossible to forget the smiles, the laughs and all the good things that happened. And now that I know that its all going to go. Now since I know that she’s gone… it gets really really difficult. People say that I need to be more stronger. Why? The weaker I am, the stronger she gets! I’m tired of telling people that she is someone who wouldn’t care. Like, she’d forget me within a few days if she gets the chance. I’ve been a fool in trying to talk to her and she’s been brave enough to still talk to me. Guess its time to let go. I really need to do what I last said – relive. Lets see whats in store.

Peace.

-Anup

Freedom

I feel at peace when I write this. Please. Let there be no misconceptions that I have attained freedom from life (even though thats what I thought was better until a couple of days ago) I have attained freedom from fear! A fear, a constant feeling that has been haunting me from 2 and a half years now. A fear of losing someone very important to me. And here’s the truth; I have lost her.

What keeps me calm right now is the fact that I haven’t done what I said I’d do – kill myself. I really couldn’t do that. Quite a few reasons; I am not a coward, I have people who look up to me and I have one hellova family who really stood by during the last few very troublesome days. Moreover, my friends, I have a couple I could mention – Abhijit and Muiz. These guys just held me throughout. Listened to me spill it out and finish it. I have puked it all out. Now, its void. No hate and there surely is no love.

Freedom

I am pretty sure that there would be no remorse from my other half. She is calm, very peaceful and currently sleeping. Like she says, “You have not known me” I wish I wouldn’t have known you! I just wish. The injury is done, I feel its pain and it’d probably go. What remains is me being scarred for life. I dedicate the entire album – The Division bell, by Pink Floyd to her and to the situation I am in. Its just perfect. Adding one of the songs in here:

[audio:http://www.anup.org/audio/take.mp3]

Anyway, she has ended something that she should have ended long time ago. Considering her to be more mature out of the two of us (or so she says!) What bothered me was the way in which she ended it. I totally agree that I’ve been obsessive about her and that I’ve probably overburdened her with love. This is a very common mistake and a lot of guys do it. What this deserves is a break up, a heartbreak and if that results to death, its ok! At least be true and tell him that you do not wish to be with him. Is it better to hide what you feel, give him wrong hope and then after a long time, a time when he thinks he cant live without you; you kill him anyway? Is this justice?

People who heard the story said that we both have been at fault. I’m just going to agree to them and shut the fuck up and move on. I know, there is no other way, but… could I have tried harder? Could I have done anything to make her stay? Guess not. I tried my best. My very best and even though she does not see it, I gave a lot to the both of us. Time, patience and everything else. I really can’t see what came from her side. Except for tolerance though. She tolerated me. I agree. What was ideally required was for her to help me. She never tried.

So, freedom be to her and to me. May she do very well in whatever it is that she does. May she live well with the new light in her life and may god bless her. I’m not trying to be good. Its just that… I still love her. I can’t talk my heart out of it. He just doesn’t listen. Anyway, I’m ready to relive. Time to end the fear and time to accept my freedom. Thanks for all that you’ve given me luvey. I’d be forever, indebted to you.

Her gift to me just before Valentines, oh yes, this was it:

Rip my heart out and walk away…

-Anup