Black.

Hey… oooh…
Sheets of empty canvas, untouched sheets of clay
Were laid spread out before me as her body once did.
All five horizons revolved around her soul
As the earth to the sun
Now the air I tasted and breathed has taken a turn

Ooh, and all I taught her was everything
Ooh, I know she gave me all that she wore
And now my bitter hands chafe beneath the clouds
Of what was everything.
Oh, the pictures have all been washed in black, tattooed everything…

I take a walk outside
I’m surrounded by some kids at play
I can feel their laughter, so why do I sear?
Oh, and twisted thoughts that spin round my head
I’m spinning, oh, I’m spinning
How quick the sun can drop away

And now my bitter hands cradle broken glass
Of what was everything?
All the pictures have all been washed in black, tattooed everything…

All the love gone bad turned my world to black
Tattooed all I see, all that I am, all I’ll be… yeah…
Uh huh… uh huh… ooh…

I know someday you’ll have a beautiful life,
I know you’ll be a sun in somebody else’s sky, but why
Why, why can’t it be, why can’t it be mine??

Another day of sadness? You’d ask. Well, yes. Another day full of the same old crap. I seem to be trapped in a never ending black hole of a lot of emotional whirl winds. Sometimes I feel I’d win over them and the other times, it all seems traumatizingly difficult to bear up with. My head seems to break with pain when things happening around tense me up. I’ve been losing people thick and thin and it worries me. Do I really want to be like this? An annoying freak? I’m not sure. I can’t seem to change myself. I really want to, but things aren’t flowing the way they should and I always end up beginning from ground zero. Sucks to be me, seriously.

I was speaking to Shagufta today and she seemed to be in a ridiculously sharp mood full of ignorance. I knew that it wouldn’t end well and it did not. It ended with me looking like a puppy who wanted to be petted by an owner who’d just kick it anyway! Hrmhphh, weird comparison? Well, no. I’m not sure of why, but when she speaks (Shagufta that is) she sounds as insensitive and ignorant as Smita used to be. It bothers me, but then, what she says is true as well (Shagufta that is). I’m being an ass apparently. Well, dream on! I wasn’t ignoring anyone. I did try to convince her, but then, female minds work in mysterious ways. She just seemed to sound more and more rude with every statement she typed. Like I said, she keeps on turning into someone I don’t know. Hmmm, and yes, no one’s special. Everyone is just as cliche’d as everyone else is. Shagufta did seem to make a point that relationships are never special, they happen and if they don’t work out; move on and shut the fuck up! I get the point, ok?

I’ve been busy with mom and Sneha and thus been unable to visit the gym. Couldn’t help it. I had to spend time with them. So its been around 2 weeks since I worked hard at the gym. I do spend time there, but its just a quickfire 45 odd minutes and not a real workout. Well, thats all that I can afford for now. More when mom and Sneha leave, which is on Friday. I’ve promised them that I won’t be seeing them for the next 6 months at least. I’d need to lose out on my excess fat by then. I’m 86 now. Another 10 more to go, I’d say. Orkut is boring and I’ve stopped sucking up to that place to eat on my bored-up times. HIMYM season 3 is over I assume and thus the wait continues. I’ve stopped IRcing. Mostly because people there are amazingly stupid and I do not wish to explain things to anyone. I KNOW what I’m talking about, alright? So, beat it shmucks. Been stuck on the music of the movie “Jaane tu ya Jaane na” A.R. Rehman is a god when it comes to music. My headache seems to be an all time high and I really, really need to go to the doctor. Uhm, another day in paradise comes to an end and I’m off. Heading home. Games, music, mom and Sneha and then some sleep. Driving home is the bestest thing of them all. Cool breeze rushing into my face – heaven. I’m out.

-Anup

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