Food for thought.

I’ve had a lot of things popping in and out of my mind over the past few days. Most usually they were questions that I’ve always asked myself and never found answers for. Its weird, you sometimes feel you know a lot about yourself but then lets just “try” to be fair here. How many of us know what we really want? Ohhh and how many of us know what’s right and wrong? Have you been able to answer all those questions you’ve had inside you? Have you done something that’d haunt you forever? How long do you think you can run? So you wake up in the morning and if looking at the mirror is the first thing you do (which is weird somehow cause that’s when you’d look your worst for the entire day but somehow I’m sure a lot of us manage to do this) and when you look at yourself in the mirror – what is it that you feel first? Joy, sorrow, pain, frustration, loneliness or is it that empty feeling? Man, the empty feeling sucks! That’s when you have nothing special going on in your life, nothing special in you and you’re nothing but a scraped up half of a coconut. Hmmm, what remains is its shell which can then be burnt. So finally what huh? You just get burnt for fuel and energy and you leave behind nothing? Worries me once in a while, you know? All these questions and more which keep torturing me for no apparent reason and funny thing is, they pop out of nowhere! Any of you guys ever felt pointless? Its worse than dying.

So I earn a lot of money and I send loads of it home and I keep my mom and sister happy. So where did my dad go then? Well, somehow, he’s not all about success and money. He expected more out of me, or so he’d say with a certain amount of contempt for my success which would then shatter my bubble of pure prudence when it comes to me and the way I handle things. That’s when I begin questioning myself and thinking about things I don’t need to worry about. Not anymore for sure. Mostly because I’ve crossed the threshold of bookish dependency and I’ve stepped into a world of power, money and ultimate brain power. I seriously don’t want to be answering anyone (ANYONE!!!) about how I’ve lived my life and about what I’m doing with it and will do with it. It’s my own affair and I guess I can deal with it… the way I have done so far. So don’t come into my thoughts just to ruin my wonderful streak! I’m living a blissful life, what more do you want? I know I did not become an engineer and that’s what you wanted me to be. I know I ended up falling in love for a girl who wasn’t a Hindu/Malayali and that she did not fulfill a lot of your requirements to enter our household. I know about how you feel. But common, I’ve been a very good son otherwise, haven’t I? I have never given you reasons to dislike me and I haven’t ever given you a chance to feel sorry about me and for me. I guess I’ve done better than a lot of people you spoke to me about initially during my days of slump and I guess I’ve overrun every obstacle in my way. I’m flaunting a career most people can’t even dream of and I’ve made valuable contributions to the family. Don’t I deserve to be treated with more love and respect? And if that’s too much for me to ask off you, then let’s just talk about acceptance. Can’t you just accept me the way I am? This is the way I am. You can’t change me. Hell! I can’t change myself. I do silly things all the time. I’ve been called psychotic for the way I’ve been when it comes to my emotions and I’m still trying to deal with it. I did tell you about all my problems and each and every time I told you about it, you’d just end up taking the back seat instead of helping me out. So instead of taking to me, you’d just talk about it to my sister and mother, right? Just keep on telling them about how bad a son I am? How does that make you feel good? Please, for loves sake. I’m just a normal guy who couldn’t do much with books but trust me, I’m better than almost all of your so said epitomes of success and educational harmony! I’m me and I’m happy that I’m NOT an Engineer because I never wanted to be one! *sigh*

Another thing that I’ve always worried about is the part where I was condemned and left alone because I loved someone way too much. People fall in love, right? And sometimes in love, when they feel that the person they love is someone they can’t live without; they might go that extra mile to protect that special feeling and that special person from going away. A précis of the story that I’m referring to:

I meet a girl and I fall in love. She gives me everything I want and more and totally rocks my world. Slowly, she starts revealing her true colors. Information about herself she had been keeping unto herself for some godforsaken reason I’d say. I realize that something isn’t right and I panic. I question her about the numerous things she does to upset me. She does everything in her power to disrupt my otherwise sane life. She does everything she can to traumatize me and she makes me cry. A guy wouldn’t appreciate that, you know? A girl making him cry all the time? No! I don’t feel like a sissy when I say that. Love does that to you, you know? It makes you good. It makes you very good. A certain amount of sweetness is bestowed upon you. Beauty added to even the ugliest person in love! I find out about her and someone I thought I trusted to be my friend. I threaten her that I’d kill myself (psychotic, I know) but… she put me there. Why? So you call me a psycho or a stupid eccentric maybe. I am just what you made out of me. The looks you gave him; you knew you couldn’t even give those to me, so why drag me into a world so untrue to begin with? Why put me in such a lot of pain?

Well, those are the two most annoying questions in my mind right now and sometimes it just bums me off. I’m not tired of winning over them though. Cause each time I find myself losing a battle against these dark ones, I immediately switch Barney on! He takes all these questions off my head and he’d then drag me into a world where he’d say this, “One of the 24 similarities between girls and fish is that they are both attracted to shiny objects” now most of you’ll would wonder about what’s so funny? Guess I’m mad or maybe I’m just plain awesome. So, yeah, I live on his law now – the law of awesomeness. If you don’t know it, I repeat – “Whenever I feel sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True story”

Moving on, I’m in love with the new album from Coldplay and my current play list has only this album in it. I keep repeating my tracks till the time I get something else that I like. So, I’m sure this one’s here to stay for a while. Man, I totally love this song called Lovers in Japan-Reign of love and Viva La Vida! Awesome tracks. Sneha’s job is going great guns and she is super happy! Everything’s good at home. Abhi’s doing ok in Denmark. Not too good cause he can’t shit too well due to the lack of water in their toilets. Toilet paper? Geez! Unwashed shit in your ass… duh! HELL NO. Smikh’s been gone after Friendships day. She’s a special friend too, you know? She loves going off like that and now we’d have no clue of where she is. Funny ways of people. Muiz is doing well from what I last heard of him. Well, yeah, and I’m doing great! The weekends here for me and I feel good. I thought I told Abhi that I was motivated enough to write the section on “People” that I so very want to have now since I removed the section on Movie reviews (kinda got lame later on) but then I wrote this huge piece of shit and now I don’t feel like working my fingers out anymore. Over the weekend I will; for sure! Guess that’s it.

-Anup

Lost for words.

My titles would probably seem like easy to predict cliches; just like my life. Its obvious that I’m following the Division Bell and I’m obsessed with the music and lyrics made by Pink Floyd. The truth is, I really am lost for words. I find myself beating around the bush when I write in my journal these days. I repeat the same conclusions over and over. I don’t understand myself and I get lost; lost for words.

A few people asked me about why I have not written anything in over 5 days, especially since I had loads of time on me and the weekend passed by too. I’ll admit that it wasn’t the deficiency of time or the will to type, it was just that I was trying to let a few days pass without having to live the never ending cycle of cliches that my life has become. I wouldn’t associate this just to the fortunate experience of losing love but also to the fact that; that grave, life altering encounter with love and women has since then made me hide from people and sometimes from my own self. I try to keep lying to myself that I’m happy and that I don’t need to worry about anything. Its like I wrote to Nids the other day, its difficult being like that. Why can’t I just be sad? Why is it that people have to mock my pain? Tell me that I need to be strong and all of that. Over and over again. They just want to see me happy – or so they say! I wonder how they don’t understand simple knot-theory. You cannot straighten a rope when it has knots. You cannot pretend the rope is straight by pulling it from both ends. You have to shrink it to whatever you can manage within your hands and then undo the knots. Thats when you can pull it to its maximum. Currently, I have a few knots in my life and I’m trying my level best to figure them out and make some good out of myself. I’ll end up suffering more if I push myself too hard. So, to all those people who don’t want to hear me – I’m sorry! I’ll manage.

Manra asked me the other day about why there was no mention about our visit to the 100 ft restaurant and all I could tell him was that there were too many beautiful things in my life and that all of them wouldn’t fit into the 500 MB of hosting I own. I decided to put that in this time though. Manra, thanks a lot for the Italian treat! I loved the starters, the paste and but of course the Mango juice. Its not surprizing that Manra hasn’t changed a lot. He’s still focussed and still adamant of his leadership ways. He has a pretty cut throat way of dealing with people while I have a more cheezy way. Anyway, we all have our own ways. Don’t worry too much Manra, you were a good commorade and a great team mate. We rocked and our names will be written in golden ink for all of DS history at CVG.

I watched a couple of movies recently. One of them was “Journey to the center of the earth” and I realized around a minute ago Golden Sparrowthat I watched the wrong movie. I was supposed to watch the latest one but I watched some shit which wasn’t the real deal. Must go home and get my hands onto the real movie. I hate it when I crap it up with my movies! Sometime back I managed to watch “Aamir” nice movie. Gripping to the end. Sad that Mr. Khandelwal had to die; blown into smithereens. I also watched “The Ruins” uhh, what was that? Ohh and I nearly forgot… I watched “The forbidden kingdom” and “The incredible Hulk” over this weekend. The first one sucked. Common? Whats wrong with those folks? Jackie Chan and Jet-Li; ughhh! Who wins? HAD to be Jet-Li, but then nada, Jackie still manages to come through and finally relive with the Elixir of life. The chinky chick in it looked cute, thats just about it. The Hulk though was extremely entertaining. You know how it is with guys? We like creatures and we like creatures fighting each other and well overall, your typical New York-in-the-hands-of-monsters kinda movie and I liked it. Update: My current weight has dropped down to 83 and I’m proud of the way things are going! Peace out.

A harmony I’m in love with:

[audio:http://www.anup.org/audio/tune.mp3]

-Anup

Reckless monotony.

Life’s been a series of monotonous events since quite some time now. I’ve tried to keep it full of things to do and people to be with, but somehow, all of them seem to fall short and I keep going back to the monotony of my life. Drive to work, no-real-work, sulk, surf, waste time, gym, drive back home, computer, tv and the internet, sleep and REPEAT! I’m not sure why, but it ticks me off that I’m not doing something right. I don’t know where I’m going wrong. Am I overdoing the whole ‘running away from people’ thing? Not actually. I’m bored and thats better than feeling hurtful, hated and betrayed, watcha say?

Coming to what happened the other day – the drive from and to my house turned a bit too mechanical; I guess. I thought I knew the roads and I recently began speeding. Sometimes I was shocked when I looked at the speedometer and sometimes I tried to do things I would have otherwise not done. You feel alright with dirty driving when you’re alone, but the thing is, you might end up hurting someone else along with yourself when you’re reckless on the wheels of a pretty mean machine. Luckily though, in this case, I wasn’t a threat to others but instead, I nearly got myself killed in a freak accident a couple of days ago. The truck drivers cursed me for nearly 15 minutes and it turned ugly cause I had lost my left rear-view mirror 2 months ago and I was nearly going to lose this one. I mean, it wasn’t that bad, just an example of examplary driving skills; but then, the truck drivers nearly shit in their pants because of what I did or so it seemed from the look on their face. It wasn’t my fault, I’d say. I was driving at around 100 kmph (not a good idea when on Hosur road, Bangalore) and I quickly approached a huge truck and it wouldn’t budge. I continued at around 80 and decided to weave past it from the left. Thats when another huge truck on the left decided to weave right so that it could get onto the slow trucks lane. So if you’d imagine, I was stuck between two huge trucks and instead of breaking I sped right through them whizzing by at more tham 100 kmph and avoiding both of them. Because of my whizz through both the drivers lost track of where they were and did not spot each other – CRACK!! and they kissed, the trucks that is. Luckily, the one on the right was a fuckin’ snail and all that happened was that the three of us stopped with a screech of our brakes and both the truck drivers then proceeded to abuse me. I looked at them, waved sorry and sped off. Man, when I think of it now… somehow if I was at 80kmph and not a 100, I’d have been crushed for sure! Sent shivers down my spine then and well, it still scares me, the thought of me dying such a miserable death. I must be more careful or if death is what I want, I should wait and clear my debts before I be more reckless. My dad shouldn’t suffer for the vicious circle I’ve put myself in!

Fuck that! I’m going to forget it very soon and I’ll continue being reckless. Driving fast is fun and yeah, for a few seconds I felt a rush and I totally loved it. I’m working out harder at the gym and eating to my diet plan and I feel good on the insides. I take a jog for 20 minutes straight without a stop. A break for about 50 seconds and some water later, I hope onto the cycle and do a quickfire 5 minutes of cycling which burns around 60 calories. I then get back on the threadmill and hit another 40 minutes of brisk walking at an incline. Follow this up with some twists and around 80 odd crunches. I think I burn more than 1000 calories per day. I’m impressed with how much I can do when I really want to do! I’ve been stuck to Pink Floyd like crazy and I can’t stop listening to Gilmour and his guitar. I know! Addictive, isn’t he? Its a different kinda high. A healthy, safe one. Its my mallu birthday today. According to the mallu calendar that is. I’ve never understood how it works though. My birthday is fast approaching and somehow, I feel its going to be lame this time. I’m going home on the 5th along with Fahd. Planning to drive home and return on the 9th in a bus. Well, thats it for now.

My new favourite song:

Into the distance, a ribbon of black
Stretched to the point of no turning back
A flight of fancy on a windswept field
Standing alone my senses reeled
A fatal attraction holding me fast, how
Can I escape this irresistible grasp?
Can’t keep my mind from the circling skiesLearning to fly.
Tongue-tied and twisted Just an earth-bound misfit, I
Ice is forming on the tips of my wings
Unheeded warnings, I thought I thought of everything
No navigator to find my way home
Unladened, empty and turned to stone
A sole intension that’s learning to fly
Condition grounded but determined to try
Can’t keep my mind from the circling skies
Tongue-tied and twisted just an earth-bound misfit, I
Above the planet on a wing and a prayer,
My grubby halo, a vapour trail in the empty air,
Across the clouds I see my shadow fly
Out of the corner of my watering eye
A dream unthreatened by the morning light
Could blow this soul right through the roof of the night
There’s no sensation to compare with this
Suspended animation, A state of bliss
Can’t keep my mind from the circling skies
Tongue-tied and twisted just an earth-bound misfit, I

-Anup

 

Influences.

Lots of things influence us and the road we walk on… everyday. Some of these influences are good and the others are bad, some come rapidly and retire quickly, the others slowly stem from us and they seem to stick and influence our lives for a longer period of time. They’d stay till something far more influential would come sweep us away.

I’ve had loads of things that have influenced my fight with life and destiny, but I’d choose to talk only about the cream here. I’m not including family and friends here as “influences” because I believe that they are a part of me and uhm, they too are influenced by these influential people; somehow! Following are some of the most influential people in my life as of today:

The Barnicle! (Barney Stinson or Neil Patrick Harris)

BarneyAhh well, how can you not idolise this guy? Minus his self-righteous sexual needs of course! But then, somehow; if you remove that, Barney would end up being just another tedded up you and me! Ohh yes, Ted is kinda lame and I love using him as a verb. Anyway, coming back to this LEGEN…wait for it, and I hope you’re not lactose-intolerant because the second half of this word is…DARY, guy – he’s an epitome of awesomeness! Yes, thats right! He’s my new role model when it comes to living life and counting every second of it to 666 to the power of 666, you know what I mean, ha?! Its from him that I learnt that the easiest way to live life is to follow one of his simple rules, “When I feel sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead, true story!” He’d say that with that smile. It’d brighten up a dead mans day I tell you. Barney – you rule! Some of his awesomeness:

“You dumped a porn star?? friendship over. FRIENDSHIP OVER!!!”
“You are dangerous maverick,Your ego is writing cheques tht ur body cant cash”
“Daddy’s home!”
“…because the next step is PURG-wait-for-it… keep waiting… keep waiting till eternityATORY”

Moving on, I’d like to mention two people at the same time. Now, I’m too small to even talk about them, but then legends would always influence your life either today or tomorrow. There’s no stopping them from entering your ears, eyes and brains. They’d rule over your musical neurons and there is nothing you can do. Here are a few of the people who musically move my life:

Roger WatersRoger Waters

I can’t talk much about the man, cause like I said, his musical genius is something I can only be in awe for. I’ve got a snip from Wiki – “George Roger Waters (born 6 September 1943) is an English rock musician; singer, bass guitarist, guitarist, songwriter, and composer. He is best known for his 1965–1985 career with the band Pink Floyd; he was credited as their main songwriter (after the departure of Syd Barrett), bass player and one of their lead vocalists (along with David Gilmour and, to a lesser extent, Richard Wright)” Simply put, his music along with the way he’d play the guitar is devine and I can’t stop listening to him perform!

David Gilmour

David Gilmour

Again, this is one guy who can bring music to life. I have very little to talk about him cause he’s awesome! For those who might not know him, here’s a snip from Wiki “David Jon Gilmour CBE (born March 6, 1946) [1] is an English musician best known as the lead guitarist, one of the primary singers, and one of the main songwriters (with Roger Waters) in the band Pink Floyd. In addition to his work with Pink Floyd, Gilmour has also worked as a record producer for a variety of famous artists. Gilmour has been actively involved with many charity organisations over the course of his career.”

These two are important because I love the music they’ve created and somehow, though they did not appeal to me initially, they called out to me and I haven’t been able to stop myself from listening to them over and over again. Pink Floyd drifts me into a world where I’d float around the strings they pull and of course, the lyrics and words which mean so much to me! Thanks to my so called friend who introduced me to them!

Aaron Lewis

Aaron Lewis, (born April 13, 1972 in Rutland, Vermont, U.S.), is the lead vocalist and rhythm guitarist of theAaron Lewis alternative metal group Staind. Though they’d call it metal, for me, it doesn’t sound metal-ish! Its more like grunge rock. Aaron has written some lyrics for songs like Outside, Epiphany, Its been a while and a few other songs. I can’t really explain what his words mean to me, but his words and his music influence my life a lot. Rock on!

Uhm, thats it for my list of people who influence my life. These are external variables, but there are very few who work on the inside and most of them are constants. No variables whatsoever. Somehow, I feel that talking about constants is futile and a waste of my time. Mostly because they are there to stay and I can’t do much about them! I can’t thank them and I wont. Peace out.

-Anup

The Beach.

It was Abhi’s birthday on the 11th and if I haven’t mentioned this before – I’m very poor with numbers and dates alike. I somehow seem to prefer text more to numbers. I must say that I’ve been fascinated by numbers recently because I’m watching the series – Numb3rs. Its funny that when I’m writing, I’d prefer writing it as twenty instead of 20. It seems to glorify my affinity towards letters and words of the English language and takes me further away from numbers. Well, thats precisely why I was very bad at Math. I was good at algebra though because it had letters in it, you know? Formulae and others. I found it easy to comprehend and understand.

I suddenly noticed that I’ve strayed away from the point and so I’d just quickly trackback to where I was; Abhi’s birthday. He turned 27 and we celebrated his birthday and his coming to Bangalore (for 2 days) in complete style yesterday at this place called “The Beach” This was an awesome experience for me, Ajay and Ritesh (Ajay’s friend from mumbai) Abhi sucked on his obvious distaste for loud music that he could not comprehend much. He stared at the table and wondered, “Whats wrong with these people!?” Ajay sang well. In fact, I’d say he did an outstanding job of entertaining all those who were present. There was this other guy, I’m not sure about his name, so lets call him Sam. So Sam was the other singer who sang very well and that too without losing an ounce of energry. Mostly because of all the smoke he was puffing in and out along with whatever it was that he was drinking. Then there was this gay guy who sang very much like Enrique and the chicks dug his style of singing. Ohhh, and we actually had a gay guy there who wore denims meant for the girls and those flat osho type slippers that they wear. The girls seemed to be very comfortable around him and they danced along, sometimes weird and the other times funny. Then there was this guy who had come along with a girl who seemed disturbed that she was there with him and was trying to avoid any kind of talks. She stared at all the others around and tried to avoid talking to him. This guy was stupid anyway, he sat on the seat after he had pushed the cushion down, jackass. He tried to dance with a chick who thought she could dance, but then Ajay and me though that they sucked at it. There was this one girl that I liked, but then she was a bloody chimney. I guess they were this gang of friends and friends of friends who knew each other. It was a gang of around 25 odd people and they were all fired up. Funny that Ajay still stole the show with songs like – Angel, Alice and Smells like Teen spirit. I actually loved it when he sang Smells like teen spirit cause I was jumping around and yelling along from behind. The next time, I’ll be up front and I’ll make sure that I croak. YAY for Karaoke.

Abhi, Ajay and me!

We got over the food part pretty quickly cause we had delicious french fries and some amazing paneer starters. No one wanted anything to eat after it. They drank some beer, smoked a lot of cigs and the shop closed its gates at 11. Its pretty strict here in Bangalore and somehow, I feel its a good practise. Lesser deaths due to accidents caused off negligent/under the influence of alcohol driving. Most dancers and clubbers hate it though and they’re hoping that the new government would probably take out the various limits and bans they’ve set. Well, lets see where that goes.

We clicked a few pictures after reaching home and from there Ajay and the guys came over to my place to drop me. Here was where we picked Abhi up and kicked him like madmen at 12:00 AM in the morning. Adventurous, I’d say; picking Abhi up was arduous and then we had to kick him simultaneously. I guess his ass musn’t have hurt cause its huge and all full of chubby ASS! Well, that ended the whole Karaoke thing and I must say, I enjoyed it. Thanks Ajay.Me and Ajay.

Something I missed to type in from last week. I watched the movie Sarkar Raj and I’d say its a must watch. Not for RGV, he sucks more after his AAG! But then, you wouldn’t want to miss the chemistry of the father-son duo in the movie. They rocked. Aishwarya looked old, weird and unfit for the clothes she wore, I thought. Plus, she’s tall in an unattractive way, unlike Shilpa Shetty or Deepika Padukone; well they look delicious! The movie is awesome and I loved the sound track. I must sleep now, haven’t slept in two days and I am about to crash on the keyboard.

-Anup

Wrapping up the weekend.

I had a wet weekend like most of us in Bangalore did. I got wet on Saturday and thus Sunday I felt like staying at home and keeping myself warm. Well, thats precisely what I did. I went out on Saturday with Ratheesh and a friend for a movie – Indiana Jones? Pfft, why doesn’t Harrison ford die? I mean, I’m sure about him being one of the best actors of HIS time, but just like Richard Gere, he should take his charm and just go, you know? Somehow, for a person of his age, its really difficult to digest the fact that he’d want to continue doing Indiana Jones. As sucky as James Bond 007. The movie; I was able to bear up only because of the fact that it included a treasure and I love treasures and treasure hunting. Also, just like the movie National Treasure, this movie also had a REAL treasure. Like a city of gold that they’d find in the end afterall. I hate those movies where you’d get to know that it was all a hoax or some goverment conspiracy to trap and kill you. Bugs me when they don’t find the treasure. Anyway, I spent 200 Rs on Harrison Ford, blargh!

We went to M.G road after that and it wasn’t a fulfilling experience because it rained and the guys were sissies. They weren’t ready to get wet. The other guy with us cribbed about how he had wet his undies in the rickshaw and spent time in a trial room at Bangalore Central trying to dry it under a fan there. I thought that was lame, but it worked for him nevertheless and it made him less cranky. We bought some T-shirts and oogled at the not-so-good chicks who had come there. I wonder why we oogled, heh. Ratheesh has only a few more months left to oogle like this and thus he oogles all the time, but why us? Man, I really don’t need them for now, do I? Girls that is. I wonder if I haven’t had enough of that curse for the time being? Shouldn’t I be concentrating on other important things; like TV? Anyway, I did realize that and we headed home after some horrdendous food at Bangalore Central. The rickshaw rides all in all cost me 200 bucks and it completely pissed me off when I reached home. Hell! I wasn’t going to drive the car, so yeah, thats ok too.

Sunday, at home. Cleaned up. The maid came, she got the house all spick and spanky. Got my clothes all washed and dried. Watch some quality TV. Spent some quality time with the cousin. He watched TV and played game as I slept. Overall, very satisfying to have someone home. It does get boring once in a while to be alone. Why else do you think I type so much these days? I blog nearly every other day. Not that it ticks me off, but I just start worrying about what I’m doing with my life. Maybe I need a companion? Then I get scared. Maybe I don’t! Wow. Its confusing and the being-alone part really gets me jittery. I watched the finals of the IPL today and watched the Rajasthan Royals win. The win wasn’t convincing, but it was a win nevertheless and they had really played well throughout the tournament. Shane Warne seems like a good captain, but I’ve heard that he sucks as a person. Well, who cares?

Uhm, thats it for my weekend. I’m out of night shifts and I am not doing any night shifts for this month. Yes, I’m happy about it and I’m going to sleep the nights for a whole month. Lets see if it reduces my headache maybe. Beginning the afternoon shift from tomorrow onwards. I must begin going to the gym regularly and for a considerable amount of time. I might begin with resistance training and I will speak to Umesh (the trainer) about a regime that I could follow. Over and above all, I must try and visit the doctor tomorrow. Lets see where that goes. Time to hit the sack. Night.

-Anup

Losing people.

I feel very strongly that I’m heading for a new beginning. I somehow seem to find it easy losing all the people I thought were mine and people I thought I could never do without. Alas! I feel strangely alright when I see them walking out of my life. It seems just right that they left me. I don’t feel like chasing any of them. All I feel like doing is continue and not turn back. I feel like picking up the next movie and watching it. I feel like jogging some more and losing some weight too! Hah. The irony of the situation is, I thought I’d have more friends to talk to when I was losing love (continous present tense) but now when I turn back, I had two or three odd people who just walked behind me, lest I fall and I won’t thank them because if I do, I might lose on their debt. I’d want myself to be indebted to them for all my life. Now, when I’m done and over with me, the lovestruck me, I’m continuing to lose people. People I love and new friends. Its like fate is conspiring against me to help Anup build again! I will. I miss them all and sometimes I feel my eyes getting wet, but then, these days I seem to have the will power and the ability to just get up with a smile and walk away.

I have been suffering from a terrible neck and head ache for the past month and a half. Its the similar kind of pain that seemed to strike when I was playing God of War! It went off by itself and I was hoping that it’d go away this time too, but that isn’t happening and now I’m worried. Sometimes, the pain is unbearable and all I can do is bear up with the pain. Mom and Radha aunty have been asking me to go to the doctor forever now, but I’ve been lazy and I’m broke. The Goa trip and the classes and Pune and other expenses for this month was heavy and all I can think of is for the 30th to come over fast. The pain gets mild once in a while, but it kills when it returns, because thats when it comes on with its entire force. I will visit the doctor once I get my salary.

I had a pretty relaxing weekend. I slept throughout saturday and had fun talking to Radha Aunty, Kuttapi, Ammu, Mom and sister. I sat up the whole night with granny (Radha aunty’s mom) and we gave company to each other like wing-men in a random bar. The only difference being the part where we drank Horlicks for the kick! Totally awesome. I slept at around 5 AM in the morning and woke up at 8 all ready to hit the traffic and take mom and the kids out! I showed mom around HP and she and the kids were were happy being here. I felt proud. Proud about the fact that I’m here and well, thank you HP! Sunday ended with rain. It was awesome; we came back home, me and Kuttapi and played some COD (Call of Duty 4) Ohh! did I forget to mention about the game? Its an awesome one. A must get. I enjoy playing it with Kuttapi and I dozed off after like 1 AM and some random chatting with some random people that I don’t remember now. I think I spoke to Shagufta and it was very weird. I’d rather not talk about it, but then, I seem to say a neverending bye to her that day. Sucked.

Monday, as promised was the day for watching the Tamil flick – Kuruvi which had IlaythalIlayathalapathy Vijay - Kuruviapathy Vijay and Trisha acting. The movie was at 12:45 and we wasted time from 10:AM to 12:45 PM inside forum. Mostly inside landmark and Westside and there seemed to be no problem with passing time as we bought random stuff. I bought all the books of Chetan Bhagat for Ammu since it was her birthday on the 25th. Me and Kuttapi bought T-shirts; same ones with different sizes. Cousins style! We then ate at Transit and the food was good and inexpensive. Weird shit. That never happens inside Forum. I managed to glance at the MacBook slim and it totally rocked. Priced at 91,800 it was an electronic beauty. Anyway, all that being done, we watched the movie Kuruvi. It rocked and the movie made me very very happy. Vijay has lost weight and however much he overacted, it still suited him and yes, he’s my favourite actor; action, comic and romantic. Totally awesome. A must watch for all Vijay fans. I might decide to watch it again, just for his action and the smile. I don’t care if I sound gay, but well…

We got back home and mom came back with me to my flat. The flat needed some cleaning and I wasn’t going to do it on my own or even do it at all. Mom decided to do the clean up job while I watched. The house is sparkling new now and I feel awesome there too! Mom, you’re the best. I spent some quality time with mom talking about home, her sister and other things. She seemed to be disturbed and I thought it’d be better to talk to her once she’s done worrying because talking about the thing that worries her would just get her BP high. I dropped her back home (Radha aunty’s place) and waited for dinner. Its Kuttapi’s 10th class results tomorrow and we’re all anxious about how much he’d score. I have my fingers crossed. Hope he does well. I got to work by 10. Its Memorial day today and its slower than usual at work. I guess I’m going to be done with work in approximately 4 hours more. Thats it then, more in next. The Goa document is over. Will upload it by tomorrow. I’m tired.

-Anup

A continuation to yesterday’s blargh.

I’m going to continue from where I left yesterday. Guess that was obvious from the title, but then who reads the title these days? Do people have time? Well, yeah, thats the plan – its 5:07 AM and I should have slept a few hours ago, but I’m still here. It could be insomnia or else it could be because I slept up to 3 PM today. I’m sure its the latter.

Thought I’d type in about today before I dozed off, which I might any time now cause I’m sleepy. I hope I don’t doze off on the keybee here. Its tired of me hitting on its keys everyday. I’m sure it wouldn’t want to bear the weight of my head with my brain in it. The day wasn’t eventful as I’d make it sound. It was neat (to the word) and it passed off rather quickly; considering that I spent the last 6 hours in front of my computer writing, reading, listening to Maroon 5 and watching the Matrix trilogy all over again – the movie rocks so much. I wish I were like Neo and I wish Trinity was next to me! Damn. That’d be awesome. Carrie Anne Moss is amazing. She’s gorgeous as we all might have noticed and along with that she has brains and fights well. To top it off, she’s someone who can be in love. Weird, I thought women these days weren’t quite sure of what that was. Alright, I really don’t want to start off sounding like a generalizing sexist bastard, so, chuck that! Anyway, my point – I love the Matrix. Maroon 5 seems to have taken over my playlist these days and I’m totally in love with their music and their lyrics. I watched Cloverfield yesterday and it made me sad. I thought I’d get to watch Lizzy Caplan act in a monster movie and that’d be cool. Unfortunately, the monster sucked. Lizzy was good and thats the only reason I watched the whole movie.

The day today: So I woke up at 3 PM after trying real hard. Radhy aunty had called me a few times; guess she wanted me to come home for lunch, but I was lazy and didn’t feel like eating anyway. Called Nikhil and he said we’d go bowling. Now that was a nice plan and I hit the showers. Called Aunty and she sent the maid home (at the wrong time!) I was about to leave, you know? Then the maid, she’s a weird charecter… she wants to show me all those nooks and corners of my house that she’s cleaned. She’d take an hour to wash a few clothes and then she’d talk to me in Tamil a language I understand but can’t respond in. She doesn’t understand any other language and thats where I say language plays an important part. We have a roadblock, you know? Me and maid; she doesn’t know English. Thats the sad part. So, yeah… she spent an hour running around my house trying to get things in order and now I’d say its spick and span at home and I like it here. I set out to Nikhil’s place after she was gone.

Met Nikhil and decided to have something to eat before we set out. A long drive after we reached “Foodays” I got myself an Onion Dosa and I wasn’t particularly pleased with the way it tasted, but I gulped it down anyway. Had some tea and headed home. Zoher was ready by then and all of us set out to throw some huge, hard balls and hit some sticks. We went to Leela Palace; yeah thats where the bowling alley is. We got to glance at some amazing cars. I think we saw a few Audi’s a few BMW’s a couple of WalksWagon’s and so on. It was nice – their parking lot. Nikhil scares me with the way he drives. I keep hitting the brakes sitting next to him and it does not tire me. We reached Leela palace and went over to the counter to buy some time. He tells us that we need to wait for 2 hours and it was 8 by then. Too late we said. We then watched a few chicks throw some balls and then headed over to Forum to check if there were any good movies that we could watch. I thought we’d get to watch “A missed call” thats when Nikhil cribbed about how he’s scared of gory ghosty movies. Yeah, that was funny. We did not get tickets for it, or for Shaurya anyway and we did not want to watch One Two Three. Went over to a rather nice restaurant, waited for 20 minutes, got in, had some amazing food and got out. I bit into an amazing Rs 10 worth pan and it was awesome. Here the day ended. I took a Rs 100 rickshaw home and have been in front of thix box ever since. I feel happy! Cross my heart and hope to die. Time to kill myself temporarily. Night.

-Anup

Happy till the next deterioration.

Huh!? What? Alright, here’s the thing; I hate this, but I’m living a life full of addictions. I like a thing and then I get stuck to it. I get stuck to it till the time I get bored of it or it gets bored of me. This is irrespective of things, people and the internet. These days, I’m addicted to something I had left long back. I used to loathe it then, but here I am again; ORKUT! Goddamn you.  Well, fuck this. I’m not too sure about how long I’d stick to orkut anyway. One fine day, I’m sure I’d find a reason to hate it, a ruse which would drive me away from it. Till that time, happy hunting for people I know!melt

I’m ok with getting stuck to music though. I’m not sure why, but I always end up getting stuck to numbers I like. The new album from POTF is nice. I like it and its playing; at home and at office, continously and it doesn’t bore me to go through the music over and over again. That being said, my classes have begun – CCNA at Mohans Networking institute. I must say, I’m fascinated by what I’ve heard so far and I’m looking forward to some more interesting sessions. Lectures that will include topics like Subnetting, switching, routing, protocols used for communication, IPv6 and a few others. I’m hoping for good discussions on these topics because I’m sure that I’d need all this later on. I payed 6 grands to start off with and guess I can pay off the rest by next month. Thats good, else I’d have been broke this month. I earn enough, I know, but somehow, my budget was shaky this month.

Office isn’t too busy these days. I have my usual set of things that I do, apart from that nothing that excites me a lot. Especially since I’m covering nights. I feel ok with night shifts somehow. Dad did not seem to like it much. I’m hoping for this month to pass of quick and for May to come in really really quick. I can’t wait for hitting the roads and driving over to Goa. Meeting Abhi, Muiz and Sanket. It’d be fun!

I feel good almost always these days and I guess I’ve escaped from the charade of liars that plagued my life. No, I don’t hate them, but I’m happy to be far away, never to see all of them again. They seem to still visit me via nightmares, but I manage to set them all aside when I’m living my life these days. Somehow, my experiences seem to have made me stronger. Like Lijo said, I don’t hate you for breaking my heart. I’m thankful to you for teaching me how to live with it. Its made me stronger and I’ll live well – no doubts. Uhm, so thats the deal – I’m happy now, but I’m sure that out of plain ignorance I’ll jump into something that’s going to cause me trouble anyway. I can’t seem to help myself. My affinity towards pain and suffering is worth the giggle! So… guess I can be Happy till the next deterioration.

-Anup

Revolution Roulette.

RRRevolution Roulette – Poets of the fall album 3 is out.

Soundtracks:

01. (00:04:06) –  Poets Of The Fall – More
02. (00:06:57) –  Poets Of The Fall – The Ultimate Fling
03. (00:06:17) –  Poets Of The Fall – Revolution Roulette
04. (00:04:28) –  Poets Of The Fall – Psychosis
05. (00:04:13) –  Poets Of The Fall – Fragile
06. (00:03:41) –  Poets Of The Fall – Clevermind
07. (00:03:58) –  Poets Of The Fall – Miss Impossible
08. (00:04:16) –  Poets Of The Fall – Diamonds For Tears
09. (00:03:54) –  Poets Of The Fall – Passion Colors Everything
10. (00:03:36) – Poets Of The Fall – Save Me
11. (00:05:18) – Poets Of The Fall – Where Do We Draw The Line

I haven’t been able to learn the music in it as of yet. Downloaded the album and played it once. I was sleepy, so couldn’t think much on the lyrics. The music seems good, but somehow I like the older albums more; I feel. But then, we do have a few songs in RR, which are awesome and I totally love the way POTF makes music. A must get set of songs, I’d say.

Fought with mom yesterday. Uncalled for, trivial reasons and I guess I made her cry. Sucks to be me. She said that it was ok and forgave me; as usual when I called her later in the evening to apologize. She said, huh!? Ok, so you’d have to begin apologizing for 24 years of troubles and worries then, so, beat it. Anyway, I did say that I was sorry and hung up. Tried calling dad later yesterday. I thought he’d be free in the night cause he works late these days, mom had said. This time though, he had come early and was off to sleep in no time. Mom said he’d call back, but I know that keeps very busy and that he may not call back unless the pressure at work has subsided.

Watched a few good movies over the weekend – The Notebook, Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind and August Rush. I loved all the movies and they did make me feel good. Romanticity in the air. Apart from this, its been 3 days since I went to the gym and I should have gone today, but I can’t because I’m sleepy and all I want to do is go home and crash. I’m really tired. I’d begin from tomorrow onwards, I guess. Well yeah, thats it; I’m sleepy. Night shifts for 2 weeks now. *yawn*

-Anup