I’ve had a lot of things popping in and out of my mind over the past few days. Most usually they were questions that I’ve always asked myself and never found answers for. Its weird, you sometimes feel you know a lot about yourself but then lets just “try” to be fair here. How many of us know what we really want? Ohhh and how many of us know what’s right and wrong? Have you been able to answer all those questions you’ve had inside you? Have you done something that’d haunt you forever? How long do you think you can run? So you wake up in the morning and if looking at the mirror is the first thing you do (which is weird somehow cause that’s when you’d look your worst for the entire day but somehow I’m sure a lot of us manage to do this) and when you look at yourself in the mirror – what is it that you feel first? Joy, sorrow, pain, frustration, loneliness or is it that empty feeling? Man, the empty feeling sucks! That’s when you have nothing special going on in your life, nothing special in you and you’re nothing but a scraped up half of a coconut. Hmmm, what remains is its shell which can then be burnt. So finally what huh? You just get burnt for fuel and energy and you leave behind nothing? Worries me once in a while, you know? All these questions and more which keep torturing me for no apparent reason and funny thing is, they pop out of nowhere! Any of you guys ever felt pointless? Its worse than dying.

So I earn a lot of money and I send loads of it home and I keep my mom and sister happy. So where did my dad go then? Well, somehow, he’s not all about success and money. He expected more out of me, or so he’d say with a certain amount of contempt for my success which would then shatter my bubble of pure prudence when it comes to me and the way I handle things. That’s when I begin questioning myself and thinking about things I don’t need to worry about. Not anymore for sure. Mostly because I’ve crossed the threshold of bookish dependency and I’ve stepped into a world of power, money and ultimate brain power. I seriously don’t want to be answering anyone (ANYONE!!!) about how I’ve lived my life and about what I’m doing with it and will do with it. It’s my own affair and I guess I can deal with it… the way I have done so far. So don’t come into my thoughts just to ruin my wonderful streak! I’m living a blissful life, what more do you want? I know I did not become an engineer and that’s what you wanted me to be. I know I ended up falling in love for a girl who wasn’t a Hindu/Malayali and that she did not fulfill a lot of your requirements to enter our household. I know about how you feel. But common, I’ve been a very good son otherwise, haven’t I? I have never given you reasons to dislike me and I haven’t ever given you a chance to feel sorry about me and for me. I guess I’ve done better than a lot of people you spoke to me about initially during my days of slump and I guess I’ve overrun every obstacle in my way. I’m flaunting a career most people can’t even dream of and I’ve made valuable contributions to the family. Don’t I deserve to be treated with more love and respect? And if that’s too much for me to ask off you, then let’s just talk about acceptance. Can’t you just accept me the way I am? This is the way I am. You can’t change me. Hell! I can’t change myself. I do silly things all the time. I’ve been called psychotic for the way I’ve been when it comes to my emotions and I’m still trying to deal with it. I did tell you about all my problems and each and every time I told you about it, you’d just end up taking the back seat instead of helping me out. So instead of taking to me, you’d just talk about it to my sister and mother, right? Just keep on telling them about how bad a son I am? How does that make you feel good? Please, for loves sake. I’m just a normal guy who couldn’t do much with books but trust me, I’m better than almost all of your so said epitomes of success and educational harmony! I’m me and I’m happy that I’m NOT an Engineer because I never wanted to be one! *sigh*

Another thing that I’ve always worried about is the part where I was condemned and left alone because I loved someone way too much. People fall in love, right? And sometimes in love, when they feel that the person they love is someone they can’t live without; they might go that extra mile to protect that special feeling and that special person from going away. A précis of the story that I’m referring to:

I meet a girl and I fall in love. She gives me everything I want and more and totally rocks my world. Slowly, she starts revealing her true colors. Information about herself she had been keeping unto herself for some godforsaken reason I’d say. I realize that something isn’t right and I panic. I question her about the numerous things she does to upset me. She does everything in her power to disrupt my otherwise sane life. She does everything she can to traumatize me and she makes me cry. A guy wouldn’t appreciate that, you know? A girl making him cry all the time? No! I don’t feel like a sissy when I say that. Love does that to you, you know? It makes you good. It makes you very good. A certain amount of sweetness is bestowed upon you. Beauty added to even the ugliest person in love! I find out about her and someone I thought I trusted to be my friend. I threaten her that I’d kill myself (psychotic, I know) but… she put me there. Why? So you call me a psycho or a stupid eccentric maybe. I am just what you made out of me. The looks you gave him; you knew you couldn’t even give those to me, so why drag me into a world so untrue to begin with? Why put me in such a lot of pain?

Well, those are the two most annoying questions in my mind right now and sometimes it just bums me off. I’m not tired of winning over them though. Cause each time I find myself losing a battle against these dark ones, I immediately switch Barney on! He takes all these questions off my head and he’d then drag me into a world where he’d say this, “One of the 24 similarities between girls and fish is that they are both attracted to shiny objects” now most of you’ll would wonder about what’s so funny? Guess I’m mad or maybe I’m just plain awesome. So, yeah, I live on his law now – the law of awesomeness. If you don’t know it, I repeat – “Whenever I feel sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True story”

Moving on, I’m in love with the new album from Coldplay and my current play list has only this album in it. I keep repeating my tracks till the time I get something else that I like. So, I’m sure this one’s here to stay for a while. Man, I totally love this song called Lovers in Japan-Reign of love and Viva La Vida! Awesome tracks. Sneha’s job is going great guns and she is super happy! Everything’s good at home. Abhi’s doing ok in Denmark. Not too good cause he can’t shit too well due to the lack of water in their toilets. Toilet paper? Geez! Unwashed shit in your ass… duh! HELL NO. Smikh’s been gone after Friendships day. She’s a special friend too, you know? She loves going off like that and now we’d have no clue of where she is. Funny ways of people. Muiz is doing well from what I last heard of him. Well, yeah, and I’m doing great! The weekends here for me and I feel good. I thought I told Abhi that I was motivated enough to write the section on “People” that I so very want to have now since I removed the section on Movie reviews (kinda got lame later on) but then I wrote this huge piece of shit and now I don’t feel like working my fingers out anymore. Over the weekend I will; for sure! Guess that’s it.


Food for thought.

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