The rat race!

Aren’t we all in one? From the time one is born to the day he dies; he is part of a never ending rat race. We have people who constantly win their races and are used to the rush it gives them. You then have those who are used to losing constantly and have given up on things and in the process are in a constant state of denial or hatred and then you have people like me who spend time loathing both these types of people and living a life dealing with the numerous intolerable experiences that have to be borne living in the company of people like these. You’d call me confused but in fact, I’m someone who is very clear about what disgusts me!

To all my corporate brethren – do we ever stop to think what we are giving up on in order to get that bit better than our peers? Did you know that you just lost a friend for life? He could have been that but then you desperately needed that promotion which was coming up next month or you thought no one else deserved that onsite position more than you or that you passed a self righteous judgment on his intentions and just about did everything else to make yourself seem like the most repulsive person out there. Why don’t you stop to think that this person could end up being more than just a co-worker (I hate the word colleague. I hate how it sounds and how it spells, pardon me!). But then again, once you are 30 and are in the cusp of being a middle man; a fucking small fish in a sea full of giant fish guzzling whales – you’d do anything to stay afloat I guess.

I come from a very different work culture where everyone was a friend; where we did compete but all was in good spirit and we all enjoyed each others success because the guy who got the most at the end of the month paid for the tea breaks! That was all that we needed to be happy. Ahhh, good old days when you were young and did not give a fuck. But then comes along the middle ages which confuses the crap out of the best of us. You don’t know if you are young or old. You are torn between saving up for your child and buying that new electronic goodie which beckons you with an enticing grin each time you pass by its window. Decision making ends up being the toughest activity of the day and its here when you notice that in the process of trying to outrun your friends you have all just gone different directions and given up on the simplest most precious pleasures of life – moments… moments of pure bliss.

I now live in a world where I see people competing every single day and it makes me sick. To the pit of my small intestine. Ok, there was some exaggeration thrown in there but you get where I’m coming from? Don’t get me wrong, I love to compete. I’m a gamer and I never give up. However, no hard feelings ehh? You compete with all honesty and be men and women about the fact that you may or may not be better than people you are up against. Be real enough to accept and move on. If someone is better than you and you genuinely known this – accept it and try to learn and help yourself rather than spending time in moping about where you are in life and trying to think about ways in which you could ensure that you steal some of their limelight. This for the poor ones left gaping behind. For those front runners – I really feel they should ensure that they don’t end up being cocky ass’ who use the good they have and add on some ass licking to it in order to gain something year on end but fail miserably nevertheless. When the time comes my friend you will get what you deserve. I don’t believe in fate but I do believe in Karma.

What pains me most about the rat race is the people you lose behind. I don’t mind the random nincompoops you meet on your way to your end. Its the few that you meet and instantly know that these are people who must stay in your life but you lose them nevertheless. These are the people who stick to your memories like episodes of nightmares which haunt you every now and then. In the rat race called life, lets take a moment to stop and admire what we have, who we have and what we are up against. Its a wave too huge for us to fight alone. Find someone to paddle with and things will be much more smoother. Find friends you can keep and more importantly, find friends who will keep you. Forgive mistakes and share your knowledge this will only make you better… in this rat race called life!

-Anup

The lull

“Don’t let the lull fool you!” Its deceptive and its like the calm before a tsunami. This has been proven to be true in my case time and again. There are days like today where work flows like a rivulet and you think about engaging in activities like reading off of a few blogs, reading the newspaper online (yes, I do that sometimes), reading reviews on the new games that have been released and everything else that you can find online APART from work! Define rivulet: a small stream. But like I said, you have been deceived by the lull. Its just breathing space and nothing more. Its just like a tiny oasis amongst long stretches of barren lifeless deserts (like it is here, in Dubai!) It gets over before you know it and you’re out there again; fighting against problems, tackling roadblocks, being roadblocks, arguing with people who are much below your level of likeliness, yelling, going completely against your demeanor, scratching your head, googling, staring into nothingness while you carelessly dig your nose thinking about “stuff” amongst all the other things you’d probably be doing at work. Define raging river: a crazy violent river. Its all in a days work and no, digging your nose is perfectly alright. Just don’t eat it! There are people and there is youtube.

Rants apart, I caught myself in that moment of lull and I thought I’d write a few lines. Its not always when I feel like doing this. Not anymore at least. I assure all my avid readers and fans that its not that I don’t want to write. Its just that I’ve been busy off late and by the time I get home, all I want to do is fall on the XXL sized bean bag and think about nothing. Its another thing that I don’t get a lot of opportunity to do that *winks* Work never seems to end for me and Hamid always comes up with new things that I might want to do or could possibly include into my already hectic and never-ending schedule. Now, its another thing that there is a part of me who enjoys every bit of the work he does but there is also a part of me who’d want to return to his days in HP where he had very little to do, had to hardly go to work (work from home with a good pay was an option then) and is hardly responsible for anything that happens. Ahhh! Those were the days where I earned without so much as twitching my nose. Things are different now. I am responsible for tasks and activities which can be done by no one but me. I work with someone who is worth all the respect. The learning curve that I have here seems like a very long one. The hyperbola does not seem to end and its annoying me now! I’d like some peace, you know? I really want to sit down and have enough time on me to note down things on my mind and I need to do it at least once a week. But then, its been a roller coaster ride for me thus far and time has moved very quickly from the time I’ve reached Dubai. I sometimes can’t believe that I’ve completed 13 months here. For me, everything seems like it happened yesterday. XYZ company called, interview was done, they offered me a job, I turned into a fool and came here! See the pun there? No? Uhm, well, I’m a bit grungy and I promise to get better.

This post is dedicated to some marvelous art work by my partner-in-life, Shruti. she and I claim no rights to the below image because this is not a figment of her imagination. She managed to get all the emotions on his face right and she got the smudges to be just perfect. I hardly ever knew about this side of her. But like they say, marriage is a slow learning process and the slower it is, the better it is for you! I’m putting up a few of her sketches and I think they are all stake-sauce!

Shruti’s Gallery part 1:

I’ve added a ‘part 1’ to this because I’m sure that there’d be more to come from the pencil she’s wielding these days. Yes, wielding… you’re a show off, you know? Anyway, people who might appreciate work like this please drop a comment. I’ll be posting more later. Topics of discussion – my new PS3, my new PS3 and ahhh yes of course, my new PS3. Not to forget… my reviews on games like God of war 3 and Uncharted 2. Ohh man! You have to play Uncharted 2. If you’re somebody who likes gaming then this is THAT game for which you MUST buy a PS3. Its that awesome. Not only is its in-game storyline that is fantabulous but the online multiplayer version will knock your balls off! But then, like I said, more about that later. Finally, signing off with one of my picks of the week (music):

Hosanna – Vinnaithaandi Varuvaaya; simply Rahman!

Peace out folks.

-Anup

Dubai

DubaiYou know what’s good about working on a Sunday? Nothing. I’m at work today and it makes me sad when I notice that its Sunday. I’m habituated to a non-working Sunday. Like I’ve mentioned before; I love the Rajni song – “Aaj Sunday hai… aaj Sunday hai… <pause> to din mein daaru peene ka day hai…” I mean, it’s not like I get drunk. Huh, barely even. I’m tired of the high I get out of canned Mango juice which is so sweet that it gives you a sugary high. I’ve added “Joos” by “Insert undecipherable Arabic here” company (which makes the most amazing canned Mango syrup I have ever tasted) into my daily diet. Sorry for complicating that statement but I had to put it across like this for optimum delivery of my current experience.

I apologize for the lack of new words here. I’ll justify my absence on the basis of my new found luck in Dubai. As I mentioned, in my previous post; here I am in Dubai working for one of the two telecom giants in this part of the world. I do not wish to correct my previous post and therefore, I’d like to use this space to thank Muiz for enlightening me to the fact that Dubai is not a country. So here I am in Dubai city and in the UAE. So why haven’t I been posting here? Considering that these are the most jubilant days of my life… allegedly. I’m used to babbling to the many ghosts who visit this blog. They are all just a figment of my imagination. But then, I don’t know how I feel right now. I’m supposed to be happy and elated but all I feel is a mixture of happy-sad moments where I crave to be back in my flat in Bangalore, my home and the comfort of my soft quill and the not so soft bed. I sometimes crave for my car and for the tea that my regular chay-wala made for me. Most annoyingly, I miss my family. I never missed them all this much when I was in Bangalore and I wonder why it is that I miss them all the more now. On that note, gather around. Pep talk – It costs me less than 1000 dhs for flight tickets to India and back. How neat is that? Alright, so I’ll keep the bullshit aside for now and come to the point. Why didn’t I write?

  • No original content.
  • Lethargy.
  • I was genuinely busy upto the 10th of this month.
  • I’m bored of myself and almost everyone else.
  • I suck.
  • Youtube wouldn’t work on my laptop ;(
  • Get lost now! Sup with you jobless people reading this crap?

For now and for this specific post; I’m not going to get into details. I will, however, provide minutes for the events that transpired over the last month. Whatever happened; happened after the 14th of April. A very auspicious day for us mallu’s!  It was Vishu and I was resting after a heavy meal. Point to note that I had attended quick interview rounds from XYZ Company 2 days before but I wasn’t expecting much because I always thought that good things never happened to me.

  • Call from the HR of XYZ Company with the offer letter.
  • Job location mentioned – Dubai, UAE.
  • Compensation – out of this world when compared with what I get now.
  • Joining date – ASAP; approximate date 5th of May.
  • Return to Bangalore.
  • Resignation at HP and ongoing problems with shortfall in notice period.
  • No hope and no use in trying to convince a manager who is bound by “policies” <yes sarcasm>
  • Accepted the offer and promised to join on the 5th.
  • Packed up my stuff and sent it to my new house in Kerala.
  • Said good bye to almost all the important people in Bangalore.
  • Drove down to Kerala, solo. It was one hellova ride.
  • Attended a huge family get together for the Pooja of my new house there.
  • Around 30 people turned up for the Pooja and over 120 people turned up for the lunch thereafter. Notice the discrepancy?
  • Spent some quality time with my family as the heat and humidity teamed up in a combined effort to torture us.
  • Finally went to Aathirapilly waterfalls and it was breathtaking.
  • Throughout this while, it was amazing that I couldn’t quite establish a decent dialogue with dad. I hate myself for that.
  • The ticket and Visa arrived on the 1st after a lot of anxious waiting.
  • Packing up thereafter did not take more than a couple of hours.
  • Bid farewell to my folks and luckily, this time, mom did not cry. She was calm and composed. This worried me because she is someone who cries each time I say good bye. I guess we did not have much time at the airport. Probably that’s why.
  • The airport roughed me up with a bill for 4500 /- Rs after having removed most of my books, shoes and blankets and the bag containing it. Extra luggage. Did you know that the maximum weight allowed in case of International flights is 20 kgs? YES!! That’s exactly what is charged in our national flights. Fly Emirates sucked like that. But then, I enjoyed the fact that they had a tv built in to the back of their seats which facilitated an easy passage of time. Plus, complimentary breakfast of “Kadala curry and Upma” damn that combination!
  • I could smell the barren land as I stepped out of the flight and felt the heat, the real heat for the first time!
  • Suddenly Kerala seemed like Mt. Abu to me.
  • I rushed into the waiting A/C buses and I’ve been indoors ever since.
  • I am currently living at the company guest house which is a 3BHK flat at a plush location in Dubai. Burjman, Bur Dubai to be exact.
  • I cannot afford to like this place cause uhm, well… I cannot afford the kinda rent they demand in this part of town.
  • I’d need to find a place by the end of this month and I’m clueless right now.
  • The transportation system out here is good in spite of all the traffic jams. Its luxurious and seems inexpensive when compared to what’s being given.
  • We have nothing less than Toyota Camry’s running as taxi’s. I’ve always wanted to ride in one of those and well, that’s that.
  • Current debacle and ongoing debate with myself and Mr. Prahlad Singh, my only respite amongst all the new people around me.
  • He’s a new person too, but then; clicks with some people instantly, doesn’t it?
  • We’ve decided to look for a house together and I’m crawling my way towards settling down.
  • I’ve begun exploring Dubai. From within the walls and cool rooms mind you! This is the time when the Middle East lights up its pyre.
  • I managed to be inside the worlds largest mall and I did see the worlds only (self acclaimed) 7 start hotel and yes, the worlds largest building, the Burj Dubai. I went nuts as I witnessed these awesome structures and I’m at awe for the wonders man can build.
  • Over and above all this, work, which is the reason I came here has been good and very enriching thus far.
  • I hope to get my hands dirty with technologies like Clustering/ISA/SMS/MOM/ILM2 and HMC.
  • People who do not understand technology might want to ignore that. But for those who do know – you’ll know thats a handful!

That’s just about it for now. There is more to discuss but I guess I’ll keep that for later. I’m sure that things will go back to where it was. I will write more regularly and yes; I do hope to travel. Finally, it’s too early for this but I do miss my land and its killing me that I’ll miss out on the wet smell of fresh mud. I will miss the yearly rains and I’d sweat it out here in the Middle East where summer has just begun. To all my people – I miss you’ll!

Pristine

The other day I decided to take a walk. A walk of shame down the rickety rather boulder studded gully next to Radha aunty’s house. I’ve always taken pride in the fact that I’ve managed to earn both money and respect amongst the people who crowd my life. Now I understand that it is because of the enormous luck that I have had aiding me and of course mom’s constant prayers to the boss above. Well, I consider all of them to be equally powerful – luck, mom and god that is. I’ve managed to absorb a lot of data when I was with Convergys and I did consider myself to be technically sound or uhm, technically competent if  you may, for modesty reasons. One of the prime reasons I was successful was because of the want to prove myself to my family, the society and her. For which, I studied, I followed up and I discussed technically challenging conundrums with my peers and was someone who was quickly motivated by challenges. I’d get to the task of eating up on problems and boiling down to conclusions and answers in no time. I was fairly confident of resolving any and every issue that came my way by means of communicating with my colleagues, my seniors and then google. The walk of shame came when I started feeling technically handicapped of late and I feel sorry for myself since I am someone who could have easily accumulated more information than all these liabilities and loan I have pressing down on my like a ceaseless guilt which would hamper your growth and insight.

Anyway, the walk of shame came to and end all of a sudden and to my utter surprise I see her! It was like a strong flicker of sunlight on a day covered by a bicentennial celebration of darkness. It was like a whiff of cold wind on a sultry thursday afternoon full of deadlines that devour your very want to live. It was like a… uhm… no more cause I’d taint that moment. All I’d say that it was magical. Like a drizzle when I wish for it. Sorry, couldn’t stop myself there. I love drizzles, did I ever mention that? I’m madly in love with the rains and I wait for the rainy season ever year and then wish for it to be gone when it turns into a menace. Especially cause I’m more of an indoorsy person and because I’d let a good book take me off to a fantasy land rather than be driven by a senseless rage and urge to spend more. Which is also something I used to do when I thought I was in love. Going back…

Her! I had just cut into this smaller lane out of the badly feet-raped little track which led out of Radha aunty’s place. I guess thats where she lived. She stepped out of her house squealing and giggling. She stood at the door for a while with one feet still inside the house and the other feat rearing her to run out and scream some more. She looked into my eyes and flashed a million watt smile. It was the brightest one I had ever seen and I stood there adoring her innocent face. A breeze caught her attention as it played with a tiny plait of her hair and she stared in the direction of the wind as if requesting it to stop tickling her. Her eyes shined brightly as she gave me a mischievous grin. I smiled at her and stood there, just to see what she’d do next. She sent out a shrill cry cause she couldn’t cross the threshold of her house since there was this high plank which did not allow her to cross over. Here is where I noticed a firm hand grasp her by both her armpits and softly drop her outside and into the verandah. Mom had done what she was supposed to and the little princess in her tattered but clean pink dress went on a dance run, squealing and running with sense of freedom which made me envious of her. She looked beautiful. She was worryless, unperturbed and did not care about who I was. She ran over and stared up at me. I bent down and set her hair right. I noticed her mom observing me and I smiled at her. She had seen me before I think and didn’t say much. I stood there and watched her play. The little bundle of joy. I’d wish to see her everyday but unfortunately for all of us, we grow and so do all our worries.

Its a life altering process; change that is. You wish for change but you are not prepared for it. Aging is a change. Its an unstopable, irreversible, most unavoidable change of them all and I’ve been trying to come to terms with the changes my life has seen over the past year and a half. Here’s another change or a new opportunity if you may which has come my way and I’ve decided to grab it, arms wide open. I’m not sure if I’m right or wrong and I’m freaking out right now but then, there is little I can do. I’ve always been someone who has looked forward for changes and challenges. I’ve been raring to get into some work which appeals to the more intelligent side of my brain and I seem to have a break at something which seems to be awesome! News, from the looks of it and from what I have in hand right now, I’ll be moving out of where I am into a new world very soon. I’d talk about where, when, why and all of that part later. For now, all I need to find out is about how my life would change from the 4th of May. Its been a very difficult decision and I’m looking forward to what has come my way. Will get back with details later. I might be missing for a bit but I’ll get back as soon as I can.

-Anup

A bright week.

Feels weird when my fingers tremble like they’re trembling right now. Its usually the case after I’ve had my fragile heart, my rather bulky body and my heavy head do some moving around. Like when I’ve had a long walk or when I’ve climbed a steep hill or I’ve just returned from play. The last one though hasn’t happened for over 8 years. I used to play a lot when I was in school, but then I got fat and never bothered to play because I thought I had asthama. A lie I told myself to keep away from any kind of exercises. I feel stupid now. Trembling fingers? I feel bad that I did not exert myself like this before. I can’t curse myself though; at least not for the last 2 to 3 odd years. Where would I have found the time? I was living amongst, who I thought – at that time, to be the most friendliest friends I’ve ever had. Its only now that I realize that I was living in a masquerade of liars. A world full of liars. I shouldn’t be bragging, I know. Everyone lives in the very same world that I live in. The only difference being their eyes. Some of them are quick and their presence of mind helps them all the time. Some of them are crafty and cunning. They manage to free themselves from the aftermath of being fooled rather easily. They are quick to leave their past behind and move on. But hey, here’s where I am different. I seem to delve in the hole I’ve dug around myself. Guess what? I’m happy within it. I’m giving more time to myself and my family and plus, I’m taking good care of the way I look, the fats I need to lose and the calories that I need to work out and get rid off! Well, thats the bright thing this week.

Alright, now I know that I feel my fingers trembling, but I can still type at the rate of 60 words per minute and I’m proud of my trembling fingers. I’m very proud of myself because I am doing all the things I thought I could never do. For example, jog 20 minutes? Hell! I thought I couldn’t jog for 2 and here I am today after touching the 20 minute mark. I’m so totally proud of myself. The thing is, I thought I’d be the only person getting so tired so soon. I walked into the gym and started helping myself one day and thats when I saw the other runners. They were lesser bulkier than I was. Some were skinny and the others were nearly invisible, but what I saw astounded me – they got tired faster than I did and I thought to myself, maybe I need to push myself that tad bit harder each day. I began with around 25 minutes of brisk walking of around 7  on the threadmill. This way, I lost around 230 calories there. I then moved to the ellyptical machine where I danced for like 8 minutes and I lost 80 calories. Moving on, I cycled for around 4 kms or 10 minutes and burned around 100 calories. Then, I hit the rafting machine for like 4 minutes burning around 50 calories (this was the most difficult part). The last set was full of exercises and it usually comprised of sits up, pushups and the turn wheel. This felt good. By the time I was done with all this it was like 55 minutes of hard workout and I’d be sweating profusely. I’ve managed to keep the tempo up and like I said, I’m proud to say that the brisk walk is gone. I jog 20 minutes and brisk walk for around 10. The other exercises have also increased in heat and figures and I’m losing twice as many calories per day! This combined with the diet, I’m hoping to be fit, hale and hearty in a few months. The most coolest part is, I don’t get too tired; at least now as much as I thought I would. I love the gym.

The CCNA classes have proceeded to new heights. We’ve left obvious sections behind like subnetting and ip adressing and currently we’re playing with routers. Routing is a concept I knew very little about but I’m happy to say that as of now, I can give a whole presentation with calculation, numbers & binaries in context to routing. Its been fun so far playing with the CLI and typing in the commands. Especially since we’re playing with live routers and not simulators, like most institutions do – they’d give you a software that’d act like a Cisco router. Well, here’s where Mohans place is cool and I think I like the course module, the lab and the professor. I’m hoping to get over with CCNA in around 2 months more. Yes, along with the exams and all. After this, I think I need to speak with one of the counselors there. Guess I could continue and complete my CCNP as well? From the looks of it, CCNA just covers the basic of routing. I don’t think it’d even give you an idea about switching. Well, thats what I think. Maybe it does, but thats yet to come.

Work had been good. I’ve got enough to do and I find enough of time for myself for thoughts and reads! I catch up with music and I get a lot of alone time. I’m covering the nights so its extremely peaceful. Except of course when I visit the restroom. I somehow feel there’s a ghost in our restroom on level 2. I’m not sure why, but whenever I walk out of the room after having taken a leak, the flush would flush itself again, for no apparent reason. Yes, its that smart thing which would flush as soon as you move away from it. The sensor picks up the fact that you’re no more leaking and it’d leak instead. Now, here’s my theory – So, I’ve pee’d and I step away, it flushes. Agreed up to here. Then, I walk up to the mirror to kinda set my hair right (I don’t know why I do this at 3 AM in the morning!) and lo! the thing would flush off again. It’d gush out more water than it did before. I mean, why? Why would it do that? Now this does not happen each and every time. If it did, I’d call it a technical snag with the smart thing. This happens once in a while, like every 3 days or something. So, I guess it has to be co-incidence. Me and ghost taking a leak at the same time, huh?! Anyway, I hope its a friendly ghost. Everything apart from this is good and its all going smooth.  I must visit the temple this weekend.

-Anup

Monkey trouble!

I had the laugh of my life today. The coolest part is, I laughed at myself and I just couldn’t stop laughing. Ohh! No, I’m sane. It just so happened that I met an ancestor in a wierdish way! HP is a green place. Eco friendly and a lovely place to be. I love the ambience so much so that I end up taking a walk all the time; just to stare at the grass, the trees and for the fresh air that keeps blowing up on your face. Most usually, its with Ratheesh, Avinash or with Nikhil these days. I drink a lot of tea and yes, its fun discussing technical stuff with Avinash.

We went down for some tea and chat just around the time when dusk was setting in and I love it outside during that time. I grabbed a “Tiger” and some tea and walked out with a handful of guys. Infact, I remember that there were quite a few people with me at that time. Surprizingly, Hemant was there with me too! He usually ends up being in another shift, but he had stayed back on this specific day. So, yes, we walked out to the smoking zone, tea in hand and ready for some talk. I sat down along with Amit, this hunky guy at work and had the rest of the guys facing me. We began discussing some stuff and I was talking to Hemant if I remember the incident correctly. Suddenly I saw all the guys running backwards and looking at me. I saw their eyes gaze to something behind me. I turned and found this rather large monkey walking with all its might towards the biscuit in my hand. I thought it wanted the tea I had (that was stupid of me!) So I kept the cuppa tea there, dropped the biscuit and jumped off.

Here’s the cool part. The monkey tore the plastic cover off quite comfortably and munched down all the biscuits without leaving me a bite! I managed to get back my tea though and I was really pissed at myself for giving him my biscuits. Hrmphhh, hope you’re happy you ape! The monkeys then continued to ransack a container full of supplies which was kept outside. The guys were carting them in, but they left the containers open and the monkeys made away with a couple of bottles of juices, some packets of foodstuff and other things too, like razors! Anyway, I had a hearty laugh at myself later and at the whole incident. I mean, no kidding, the monkey looked dangerous to me with its teeth clenched and the way it looked me in the eyes. These apes aren’t scared of anyone, they just roam the campus as if its their land and we must share our food with them since we’re using their space!

That being said, the workload has increased and I manage to keep myself busy for most part of the day. I feel lonely sometimes. Like, I miss her once in a while, not always and not anymore, anyway, but yes, I do miss her. Then I miss my family and friends. I really miss Abhi, Muiz and Smikh. Smikh keeps busy or uhm, I’m not sure she pretends to be busy, because thats how she maintains that distance from people to whome she shouldn’t get too close. Abhi is hell busy too, since the call flow in DS is in an all time high. Muiz was busy too, the last time that I spoke to him. The people who have loads of time for me are Radha Aunty, my cousins at home here in Bangalore, mom and Sneha. Dad is busy with the financial year ending work.

I’ve thought about writing a new section. I need more ideas and I’m drawing the initial sketch for the page. I’ll begin working on it once I have a fair idea of what I want. Its a section called “People” where I’d end up writing about important people in my life. I was also thinking on lines where I could amalgamate a gallery into wordpress, but I don’t have a lot of bright ideas right now and somehow, I lack the required motivation for such a project. The other ideas I’m working on is, Health, music and ohh, earning some more wealth! I’m going to work towards this from next week on and try to keep myself away from any weird thoughts. I’d need to get me to believe in myself and really WANT to start living again. It isn’t too hard they say and I trust them! My mom talks to me each day and tells me about how my pain worries her a lot. She is someone I cannot hurt for long and I know that its time I stop troubling her. I’ve always given her pain and I’m not proud about it. Dad seems to be ok. Sneha is doing fine, college and friends. She’s probably having the time of her life and I feel stupid for having troubled her with teared up phone calls at 2 in the morning. Man, I’ve been sucking up big time. Cribbing about how my life sucks instead of working on it. I mean, its not all that hard, you know? No. I don’t! Thats what I feel. Its not all that easy. Its just not easy to forget what I felt for a person. Its not easy to forget the time spent together. Its nearly impossible to forget the smiles, the laughs and all the good things that happened. And now that I know that its all going to go. Now since I know that she’s gone… it gets really really difficult. People say that I need to be more stronger. Why? The weaker I am, the stronger she gets! I’m tired of telling people that she is someone who wouldn’t care. Like, she’d forget me within a few days if she gets the chance. I’ve been a fool in trying to talk to her and she’s been brave enough to still talk to me. Guess its time to let go. I really need to do what I last said – relive. Lets see whats in store.

Peace.

-Anup