The morning expresso!

Dimmed lights, a miniscule crowd, silence and some guy far away… vigorously tapping on his keyboard; thats morning shift for you. I love this shift and I prefer working early morning than the afternoons. Luckily, I have colleagues who prefer the afternoon shifts because they’d want to sleep late into the morning hours. I’ve been in love with the early morning hours since the time I can remember myself waking up for school. Dad brushing my teeth, telling me how important it is to brush our teeth carefully; sliding the brush from top to bottom than sideways. He’d then carefully use warm water (which mom heated up on the gas) to wash my face and hands. Mom would take on from here and get me dressed and packed up for school. By around 8:15 AM I’d find myself walking to my bus stop where I’d meet my school mates and we’d play football with those small infamous rubber balls which would most usually end with someone getting hurt, but we played anyway. The early morning sun beaming down upon us felt so good then! The only worries being about the test results or probably being beaten up by Rakesh. I wasn’t allowed to have coffee then. I was a kid and add to that I had asthama which dad was meticulously weeding off by means of homeopathy and loads of love and affection. I can still feel his cheeks against mine. That was how he’d measure body temprature. He doesn’t do that anymore… infact, he hardly talks to me and he probably has umpteen reasons to be so very disconnected from him son, pfft, can’t blame him.

Today, I can sip on a cuppa coffee and take a deep breath out there in the sun as it shines down on me glimmering away and flickering sometimes from between the trees that seem to only hide my troubles, pains and sorrows; just when you feel all smothered it’d gently sway away and let a beam pass by. Is this what you call a ray of hope?

Well, I love expresso but I prefer drinking tea at work because I have this thing where tea pwns* coffee (for me) if and when its a question of keeping me awake. Luckily for me, I have Hemant working with me today and thus I get to chat up with him and listen to some music as he goes on blabbering endlessly about information I don’t need. He’d talk about reports that I’m supposed to make but I don’t cause Microsoft excel IMHO, sucks. I hate the bloody software and I hate those stupid reports. What the fuck do they make out of all these reports anyway? Nothing. As far as I’m concerned – Do you have a problem? No? Well, then I’m doing my job right. There is no way to measure what I’m doing cause well, I’m not doing much. But I’m there, you know? Just in case you need me! I’m somewhat like a handgun if  you’re dropping down into a pithole to explore the caves there; you’d rather carry one and brag about it than not carry it and die just in case a monster pops out from nowhere!

I picked up an expresso today, mostly cause I was lost in thought and to think and write truthfully, I was pretty lost for words. Here is when I started about the juncture where I left my last post at. So how exactly do you fill up the void? There is no arguement to the fact that you have a hole, an empty space when you lose someone you love. For some people (like the girl I loved in this case) its easy; filling up the black hole. Infact, they don’t even require time to feel sorrowful about losing something as precious as love. They don’t need to mourn the loss of a friend and companion. All they want to do is to move on. Is it that easy? I’ve tried very hard over the past 9 months to extract myself from the mess I fell into and I have been successful but to a certain extent. She hasn’t fully left me, you know? And strands of her that remains seem like hair in your food. You can remove whats fallen in and continue eating it as if nothing happened, but then it’d be there in the back of your mind about how contaminated your food was. Then there are people like me, who’d stare at the food, get up and leave. Other, more brighter people would just get themselves a fresh serving. The last option is the most difficult one, I feel. Also, after being hurt so bad in love, how do people trust enough to fall in love again? And most importantly, ever so quickly? How do people tend to forget marriages that were broken due to small ego-fights? Relationships these days seem so unreal and fickle. A strong bond seems to be a thing of the past. I hate the fuckin’ move-on generation. To describe my exact feelings, I’d have to use some words by Pink Floyd, but it makes sense. Its a song, but I’m just going to type it down – one sentence. I was spending my time in the doldrums. I was caught in a cauldron of hate. I felt persecuted and paralyzed. I thought everything else would just wait. Its a sad feeling and it takes a lot more than just optimistic thinking to get out of. The answer is pretty simple though. Its going to be like this till the time you find someone to fill the void. The only thing you need to take care of is to not make hasty choices/decisions and try to wait a while. Give yourself a breather and then finally, don’t look for him/her. Let it happen. Hah! arranged marriage in my case, duh!

I’ve been in a state of chagrined discomfort over the past few days and I’m not sure about what actions I’d need to take in order to achieve what I really want or reach up and grab destiny by its throat. The undying problem here is, I have so many options; most of which I cannot relate to, some that I cannot get even though I can, its too much of a pun to explain so lets not go there. A couple which seem like a plausible excuse to my ever-growing reasoning on why I should go back to Pune and then a few others which are still unclear mostly cause the tinker fairies are still working on them. I’d really want to see how things shape up for me. I wish I could time travel and explore every option. Abhi and Muiz confuse me a lot and my love for Bangalore (which I cannot explain) wants me to stick on. The concern is (like I’ve said before) I’ve landed here way too early. I am unable to cope up with a monotonous job and a friendless work life. I’ve had too little and too unreal of those vibrant friendships, romances and everything else. I’d really want to live my age. Currently, I’m like this 30 year old who lives his pointless life encumbered by a thousand woes but still not looking for an answer. All I’m looking for is a passage, an escape route. Frankly, a way back into love.

WD and fuzzy ball.
WD and fuzzy ball.

The garnishing over the afromentioned soul-less dish: I bought a 500 GB Western Digital hard drive and it helps a lot because I have around 200 GB worth movies and porn and I had no place to house them. Now since I have this magical hardware thingy, I can continue raping Airtel. Movies I’ve watched over the past few days – Kidnap, Drona and Hello (Bollywood) A walk in the clouds, Fracture, Stranger than fiction, Tinkerbell, Ghost in the shell and many many more in the angrezi* section. I’m tired now and Hemant is annoying me;/ I might as well upload pictures of my HDD and this soft ball thing which I love kicking around a lot. Maybe later. Peace out.

-Anup

Reckless monotony.

Life’s been a series of monotonous events since quite some time now. I’ve tried to keep it full of things to do and people to be with, but somehow, all of them seem to fall short and I keep going back to the monotony of my life. Drive to work, no-real-work, sulk, surf, waste time, gym, drive back home, computer, tv and the internet, sleep and REPEAT! I’m not sure why, but it ticks me off that I’m not doing something right. I don’t know where I’m going wrong. Am I overdoing the whole ‘running away from people’ thing? Not actually. I’m bored and thats better than feeling hurtful, hated and betrayed, watcha say?

Coming to what happened the other day – the drive from and to my house turned a bit too mechanical; I guess. I thought I knew the roads and I recently began speeding. Sometimes I was shocked when I looked at the speedometer and sometimes I tried to do things I would have otherwise not done. You feel alright with dirty driving when you’re alone, but the thing is, you might end up hurting someone else along with yourself when you’re reckless on the wheels of a pretty mean machine. Luckily though, in this case, I wasn’t a threat to others but instead, I nearly got myself killed in a freak accident a couple of days ago. The truck drivers cursed me for nearly 15 minutes and it turned ugly cause I had lost my left rear-view mirror 2 months ago and I was nearly going to lose this one. I mean, it wasn’t that bad, just an example of examplary driving skills; but then, the truck drivers nearly shit in their pants because of what I did or so it seemed from the look on their face. It wasn’t my fault, I’d say. I was driving at around 100 kmph (not a good idea when on Hosur road, Bangalore) and I quickly approached a huge truck and it wouldn’t budge. I continued at around 80 and decided to weave past it from the left. Thats when another huge truck on the left decided to weave right so that it could get onto the slow trucks lane. So if you’d imagine, I was stuck between two huge trucks and instead of breaking I sped right through them whizzing by at more tham 100 kmph and avoiding both of them. Because of my whizz through both the drivers lost track of where they were and did not spot each other – CRACK!! and they kissed, the trucks that is. Luckily, the one on the right was a fuckin’ snail and all that happened was that the three of us stopped with a screech of our brakes and both the truck drivers then proceeded to abuse me. I looked at them, waved sorry and sped off. Man, when I think of it now… somehow if I was at 80kmph and not a 100, I’d have been crushed for sure! Sent shivers down my spine then and well, it still scares me, the thought of me dying such a miserable death. I must be more careful or if death is what I want, I should wait and clear my debts before I be more reckless. My dad shouldn’t suffer for the vicious circle I’ve put myself in!

Fuck that! I’m going to forget it very soon and I’ll continue being reckless. Driving fast is fun and yeah, for a few seconds I felt a rush and I totally loved it. I’m working out harder at the gym and eating to my diet plan and I feel good on the insides. I take a jog for 20 minutes straight without a stop. A break for about 50 seconds and some water later, I hope onto the cycle and do a quickfire 5 minutes of cycling which burns around 60 calories. I then get back on the threadmill and hit another 40 minutes of brisk walking at an incline. Follow this up with some twists and around 80 odd crunches. I think I burn more than 1000 calories per day. I’m impressed with how much I can do when I really want to do! I’ve been stuck to Pink Floyd like crazy and I can’t stop listening to Gilmour and his guitar. I know! Addictive, isn’t he? Its a different kinda high. A healthy, safe one. Its my mallu birthday today. According to the mallu calendar that is. I’ve never understood how it works though. My birthday is fast approaching and somehow, I feel its going to be lame this time. I’m going home on the 5th along with Fahd. Planning to drive home and return on the 9th in a bus. Well, thats it for now.

My new favourite song:

Into the distance, a ribbon of black
Stretched to the point of no turning back
A flight of fancy on a windswept field
Standing alone my senses reeled
A fatal attraction holding me fast, how
Can I escape this irresistible grasp?
Can’t keep my mind from the circling skiesLearning to fly.
Tongue-tied and twisted Just an earth-bound misfit, I
Ice is forming on the tips of my wings
Unheeded warnings, I thought I thought of everything
No navigator to find my way home
Unladened, empty and turned to stone
A sole intension that’s learning to fly
Condition grounded but determined to try
Can’t keep my mind from the circling skies
Tongue-tied and twisted just an earth-bound misfit, I
Above the planet on a wing and a prayer,
My grubby halo, a vapour trail in the empty air,
Across the clouds I see my shadow fly
Out of the corner of my watering eye
A dream unthreatened by the morning light
Could blow this soul right through the roof of the night
There’s no sensation to compare with this
Suspended animation, A state of bliss
Can’t keep my mind from the circling skies
Tongue-tied and twisted just an earth-bound misfit, I

-Anup

 

Influences.

Lots of things influence us and the road we walk on… everyday. Some of these influences are good and the others are bad, some come rapidly and retire quickly, the others slowly stem from us and they seem to stick and influence our lives for a longer period of time. They’d stay till something far more influential would come sweep us away.

I’ve had loads of things that have influenced my fight with life and destiny, but I’d choose to talk only about the cream here. I’m not including family and friends here as “influences” because I believe that they are a part of me and uhm, they too are influenced by these influential people; somehow! Following are some of the most influential people in my life as of today:

The Barnicle! (Barney Stinson or Neil Patrick Harris)

BarneyAhh well, how can you not idolise this guy? Minus his self-righteous sexual needs of course! But then, somehow; if you remove that, Barney would end up being just another tedded up you and me! Ohh yes, Ted is kinda lame and I love using him as a verb. Anyway, coming back to this LEGEN…wait for it, and I hope you’re not lactose-intolerant because the second half of this word is…DARY, guy – he’s an epitome of awesomeness! Yes, thats right! He’s my new role model when it comes to living life and counting every second of it to 666 to the power of 666, you know what I mean, ha?! Its from him that I learnt that the easiest way to live life is to follow one of his simple rules, “When I feel sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead, true story!” He’d say that with that smile. It’d brighten up a dead mans day I tell you. Barney – you rule! Some of his awesomeness:

“You dumped a porn star?? friendship over. FRIENDSHIP OVER!!!”
“You are dangerous maverick,Your ego is writing cheques tht ur body cant cash”
“Daddy’s home!”
“…because the next step is PURG-wait-for-it… keep waiting… keep waiting till eternityATORY”

Moving on, I’d like to mention two people at the same time. Now, I’m too small to even talk about them, but then legends would always influence your life either today or tomorrow. There’s no stopping them from entering your ears, eyes and brains. They’d rule over your musical neurons and there is nothing you can do. Here are a few of the people who musically move my life:

Roger WatersRoger Waters

I can’t talk much about the man, cause like I said, his musical genius is something I can only be in awe for. I’ve got a snip from Wiki – “George Roger Waters (born 6 September 1943) is an English rock musician; singer, bass guitarist, guitarist, songwriter, and composer. He is best known for his 1965–1985 career with the band Pink Floyd; he was credited as their main songwriter (after the departure of Syd Barrett), bass player and one of their lead vocalists (along with David Gilmour and, to a lesser extent, Richard Wright)” Simply put, his music along with the way he’d play the guitar is devine and I can’t stop listening to him perform!

David Gilmour

David Gilmour

Again, this is one guy who can bring music to life. I have very little to talk about him cause he’s awesome! For those who might not know him, here’s a snip from Wiki “David Jon Gilmour CBE (born March 6, 1946) [1] is an English musician best known as the lead guitarist, one of the primary singers, and one of the main songwriters (with Roger Waters) in the band Pink Floyd. In addition to his work with Pink Floyd, Gilmour has also worked as a record producer for a variety of famous artists. Gilmour has been actively involved with many charity organisations over the course of his career.”

These two are important because I love the music they’ve created and somehow, though they did not appeal to me initially, they called out to me and I haven’t been able to stop myself from listening to them over and over again. Pink Floyd drifts me into a world where I’d float around the strings they pull and of course, the lyrics and words which mean so much to me! Thanks to my so called friend who introduced me to them!

Aaron Lewis

Aaron Lewis, (born April 13, 1972 in Rutland, Vermont, U.S.), is the lead vocalist and rhythm guitarist of theAaron Lewis alternative metal group Staind. Though they’d call it metal, for me, it doesn’t sound metal-ish! Its more like grunge rock. Aaron has written some lyrics for songs like Outside, Epiphany, Its been a while and a few other songs. I can’t really explain what his words mean to me, but his words and his music influence my life a lot. Rock on!

Uhm, thats it for my list of people who influence my life. These are external variables, but there are very few who work on the inside and most of them are constants. No variables whatsoever. Somehow, I feel that talking about constants is futile and a waste of my time. Mostly because they are there to stay and I can’t do much about them! I can’t thank them and I wont. Peace out.

-Anup