Have you ever had those times? Times where you can’t stop yourself from thinking about the days that you just lived. Nostalgia that you just can’t avoid. However hard you try and however much you tell yourself about how strong you are and about how you must live through this; sometimes, don’t you have times where you end up crying for what you’ve lost? Don’t those really nasty environmental variables make you sad and angry at the same time? Also, does it ever happen that the nightmares you’ve tried to avoid seem to rain down upon you like Gods wrath? A funny feeling that you may experience during times like these might be the weirdish tingle in your stomach about the direction in which your life’s moving. You might feel helpless; unsure about the turns you need to take, unsure about the decisions you need to make. Most often than not, during times like these the number of dilemma’s in your head would seem to double. Well, I’d like to announce that this is a fairly common experience and the easiest way to deal with it is to let it take over you – just like fear, you know? The more you try to fend it off the more it’d trouble you. Let it come, doggy-fuck you and leave. Trust me, once its done with what it wants to do with you, it’ll go. There are others too… I’m sure. Others who’d need to experience sadness. The emotion thats closest to man. We all know why. The reason’s pretty simple – Man is the only animal that has a hole in his heart. An abstract rather invisible and invincible hole which makes him shallow. This hole makes him to want more, crave for more than he deserves. It makes him desire. Its the reason we’re human beings.
So, whats your point fatso? What I was trying to convey here was that things get better if you absorb what life has to give you rather than take it forcibly. No, I’m not a believer in Karma, cause that theory doesn’t seem to have a base. What you do comes back to you? Uhm, no; not always and I’m sure about this. What you sow, so shall you reap? Yeah, stupid, its grain and its science, water and life. You will reap what you sow, no biggie. Running back to where I started… Nostalgia. This is precisely what makes us stronger and I say look it in its eyes. If what you fear seems to come to your thoughts over and over again, stay, and don’t move. Don’t struggle. Think about the life you’ve lived. Think about all what you’ve felt – big things or small, just think about all of them. It could be something as small as someone tell you that he/she loves you very much. Else, it could be someones smile, a hug, a conversation or plainly put the warmth of people who made your life good. Not to forget, the painful memories – Lies, betrayal, love and reasons for why things happened; things that made you sad.
Well, I’ve been extremely nostalgic over the last two days. I must associate this to the fact that I’ve been alone throughout the week since I’m covering the nights at work. I don’t get to meet Ratheesh, Avi or any of the other guys I used to talk to. This, thus, gave me a lot of time to think to myself and sometimes think out loud. Well, the thinking out loud part has put me into embarassing situations once in a while. Like, I’d be walking down the corridor, talking to myself as usual or sometimes I’d be talking to god and there’d be people passing by looking at me; searching for a bluetooth device or a wire that’d be transmitting my voice! Funny. I’d realize later that I got stared at by numerous people. Guess its ok. Who cares? I love talking to myself and I will continue to do what I like. The simplest lesson I’ve learnt is that the easiest way to lose a bout of depression is talking to yourself, telling yourself that the past is behind me and that I need to move on. Talking to myself helps me to understand, analyze and accept. Acceptance is the most important part of all of this. Like I said before, the more you’d wait for a change or for something to happen, the lesser are the chances of anything good to happen. Let there be hope, but don’t sit and wait for things to happen just cause you have hope. Moving ahead and living your life to the fullest is important, they say. I don’t know why they’d say – Live your life to the fullest. Can anyone ever live a different life? We’re all going to live our lives the way we’re supposed to.
Apart from the fact that I’m getting more and more efficient at ranting random bullshit, I’ve got my classes – CCNA going on in full swing and I must say, I love these classes. The concept really drives into my head and I seem to enjoy the class. I make good notes (I never made notes in college) and I read after I come back home. All of these things scare me. Have I become my old self? No use worrying. Gymming and dieting feels absolutely awesome. I’ve lost my headaches and trust me when I say, I’ve lost 3.5 kgs in 12 days. So, I’m sure that I’m going to lose all of the extra fat on my body and I’m going to be fit. Today is Sunday and it so happened that I slept throughout the day on Saturday, thus I couldn’t sleep the night and now I’m sleepy. I really don’t want to ruin my Sunday, so I’d probably hit the sack right now and try to wake up before the 11:30 AM mallu movie. Must end now.
-Anup
