Food for thought.

I’ve had a lot of things popping in and out of my mind over the past few days. Most usually they were questions that I’ve always asked myself and never found answers for. Its weird, you sometimes feel you know a lot about yourself but then lets just “try” to be fair here. How many of us know what we really want? Ohhh and how many of us know what’s right and wrong? Have you been able to answer all those questions you’ve had inside you? Have you done something that’d haunt you forever? How long do you think you can run? So you wake up in the morning and if looking at the mirror is the first thing you do (which is weird somehow cause that’s when you’d look your worst for the entire day but somehow I’m sure a lot of us manage to do this) and when you look at yourself in the mirror – what is it that you feel first? Joy, sorrow, pain, frustration, loneliness or is it that empty feeling? Man, the empty feeling sucks! That’s when you have nothing special going on in your life, nothing special in you and you’re nothing but a scraped up half of a coconut. Hmmm, what remains is its shell which can then be burnt. So finally what huh? You just get burnt for fuel and energy and you leave behind nothing? Worries me once in a while, you know? All these questions and more which keep torturing me for no apparent reason and funny thing is, they pop out of nowhere! Any of you guys ever felt pointless? Its worse than dying.

So I earn a lot of money and I send loads of it home and I keep my mom and sister happy. So where did my dad go then? Well, somehow, he’s not all about success and money. He expected more out of me, or so he’d say with a certain amount of contempt for my success which would then shatter my bubble of pure prudence when it comes to me and the way I handle things. That’s when I begin questioning myself and thinking about things I don’t need to worry about. Not anymore for sure. Mostly because I’ve crossed the threshold of bookish dependency and I’ve stepped into a world of power, money and ultimate brain power. I seriously don’t want to be answering anyone (ANYONE!!!) about how I’ve lived my life and about what I’m doing with it and will do with it. It’s my own affair and I guess I can deal with it… the way I have done so far. So don’t come into my thoughts just to ruin my wonderful streak! I’m living a blissful life, what more do you want? I know I did not become an engineer and that’s what you wanted me to be. I know I ended up falling in love for a girl who wasn’t a Hindu/Malayali and that she did not fulfill a lot of your requirements to enter our household. I know about how you feel. But common, I’ve been a very good son otherwise, haven’t I? I have never given you reasons to dislike me and I haven’t ever given you a chance to feel sorry about me and for me. I guess I’ve done better than a lot of people you spoke to me about initially during my days of slump and I guess I’ve overrun every obstacle in my way. I’m flaunting a career most people can’t even dream of and I’ve made valuable contributions to the family. Don’t I deserve to be treated with more love and respect? And if that’s too much for me to ask off you, then let’s just talk about acceptance. Can’t you just accept me the way I am? This is the way I am. You can’t change me. Hell! I can’t change myself. I do silly things all the time. I’ve been called psychotic for the way I’ve been when it comes to my emotions and I’m still trying to deal with it. I did tell you about all my problems and each and every time I told you about it, you’d just end up taking the back seat instead of helping me out. So instead of taking to me, you’d just talk about it to my sister and mother, right? Just keep on telling them about how bad a son I am? How does that make you feel good? Please, for loves sake. I’m just a normal guy who couldn’t do much with books but trust me, I’m better than almost all of your so said epitomes of success and educational harmony! I’m me and I’m happy that I’m NOT an Engineer because I never wanted to be one! *sigh*

Another thing that I’ve always worried about is the part where I was condemned and left alone because I loved someone way too much. People fall in love, right? And sometimes in love, when they feel that the person they love is someone they can’t live without; they might go that extra mile to protect that special feeling and that special person from going away. A précis of the story that I’m referring to:

I meet a girl and I fall in love. She gives me everything I want and more and totally rocks my world. Slowly, she starts revealing her true colors. Information about herself she had been keeping unto herself for some godforsaken reason I’d say. I realize that something isn’t right and I panic. I question her about the numerous things she does to upset me. She does everything in her power to disrupt my otherwise sane life. She does everything she can to traumatize me and she makes me cry. A guy wouldn’t appreciate that, you know? A girl making him cry all the time? No! I don’t feel like a sissy when I say that. Love does that to you, you know? It makes you good. It makes you very good. A certain amount of sweetness is bestowed upon you. Beauty added to even the ugliest person in love! I find out about her and someone I thought I trusted to be my friend. I threaten her that I’d kill myself (psychotic, I know) but… she put me there. Why? So you call me a psycho or a stupid eccentric maybe. I am just what you made out of me. The looks you gave him; you knew you couldn’t even give those to me, so why drag me into a world so untrue to begin with? Why put me in such a lot of pain?

Well, those are the two most annoying questions in my mind right now and sometimes it just bums me off. I’m not tired of winning over them though. Cause each time I find myself losing a battle against these dark ones, I immediately switch Barney on! He takes all these questions off my head and he’d then drag me into a world where he’d say this, “One of the 24 similarities between girls and fish is that they are both attracted to shiny objects” now most of you’ll would wonder about what’s so funny? Guess I’m mad or maybe I’m just plain awesome. So, yeah, I live on his law now – the law of awesomeness. If you don’t know it, I repeat – “Whenever I feel sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True story”

Moving on, I’m in love with the new album from Coldplay and my current play list has only this album in it. I keep repeating my tracks till the time I get something else that I like. So, I’m sure this one’s here to stay for a while. Man, I totally love this song called Lovers in Japan-Reign of love and Viva La Vida! Awesome tracks. Sneha’s job is going great guns and she is super happy! Everything’s good at home. Abhi’s doing ok in Denmark. Not too good cause he can’t shit too well due to the lack of water in their toilets. Toilet paper? Geez! Unwashed shit in your ass… duh! HELL NO. Smikh’s been gone after Friendships day. She’s a special friend too, you know? She loves going off like that and now we’d have no clue of where she is. Funny ways of people. Muiz is doing well from what I last heard of him. Well, yeah, and I’m doing great! The weekends here for me and I feel good. I thought I told Abhi that I was motivated enough to write the section on “People” that I so very want to have now since I removed the section on Movie reviews (kinda got lame later on) but then I wrote this huge piece of shit and now I don’t feel like working my fingers out anymore. Over the weekend I will; for sure! Guess that’s it.

-Anup

Friendships day.

So need I say more? I’m sure the pictures talk for themselves. The very essence of this post is in these pictures. I’m sure that people who know me might know who the people in those pictures are. I don’t want to demarcate those people into categories not am I going to prioritize them here. I’m just going to randomly type in names of people who make it to my list of friends and people I consider as friends. Some of these names do not appear in the pictures above but thats just because I couldn’t find a good picture. And yes, I’ve made a pyramid of my friends as well since thats how the world does it, you know? Top two, then the next 3 and then friends to follow. Some shit like that. I used to never recognize this before but recent events have forced me to categorize people and it hurts me. Coming back to names: Sneha, Shagufta, Abhi, Muiz, Smikh, Ajay, Chetan, Nikhil, Ratheesh, Hemant, Nids, Annie, Mank, Sanket, Sonu, Vishu, Vivek, Pramod, Prab, Unni. Uhm, good enough? Yeah.

Friendships day just went by and thats what inspired me to work on this collage and type in some eblish about my friends. These are all important people, you know? Some gentle and kind, some shrewd and wicked, some more hidden and deep, the others loving and caring and those very few plain ruthless ones too! I have them all in my list and I feel super cool about it. Friendship has always been a conundrum for me. I’ve never been able to make friends as quickly as Abhi would or Sneha would maybe; mostly if she could. She’s pretty tied up and the poor thing can’t move a lot. Luckily, she now has a job and I’m happy that she’d get to move around and meet some people. I couldn’t stand her cage anymore and I was praying hard. I did find most of my friends at Convergys and I’d be ever thankful to that place for almost everything in my life right now. I’ve already conveyed this across to all my friends, but I repeat; Guys, thanks a lot for being there and sharing your smiles and listening to what I had to say. I’m sorry for being boring whenever I was, but I’m a nice guy, you know? I’m sure you know and thats the reason I still continue to exist in your glorious world. Thank you once again for every step that you’ve taken with me. Love you’ll!

Apart from this, the weekend went by and it was neat. Coincidentally, it was Smikh’s birthday on the 3rd of August (friendships day) and somehow I find it very fascinating cause she’s been like this epitome of love and friendship for me. A symbol of companionship. There are no reasons why, its just been like that. The day passed by without a lot of fuss about it and I think I was peaceful that day. Saturday was funny though. We went shopping; Chetan and I. The monsoon sale is on throughout the malls in Bangalore and we were sweeping M.G.Road for some random cheap stuff. The only pair of jeans I liked wasn’t on sale and it was a Levis, 2,500 bucks. I liked it a lot and I wanted to buy it but did not want to spend all that money. The sales guy kept pestering me and I thought I’d buy it so I asked him to go get the measuring tape to alter its length. Thats when I told Chetan that I did not want to spend the money then and the both of us ran away from there! Man, that was really fun. Chetan is funny and his jokes (however lame they be) are cracked with a certain amount of ease and charm which is sure to make you giggle! I enjoy his company a lot. Thats just about it. Running a new month and keeping myself fit, hale and hearty. Life’s owning me right now. Peace out.

-Anup

Abhi’s engagement!

Well, here it is! The big man is finally tied up to a tree thats rooted to an eternal damnation in hell. Sometimes I think; how can someone as magnificent as him ever be tied up? Then I remember and I acknowledge the power of aphrodite! She can have anything and everything she wants. The power of WOMAN, hail for thou.

So, yeah, thats the deal. Abhijit got engaged on the 28th’s and I witnessed it along with his many many friends who were very few according to him because he could not invite them all. That would probably highlight the fact that he has tens of thousands of friends or so he likes to illustrate his popularity. We can keep it like that cause Mr. Shedge is a popular guy. His to-be-wife though, from whatever appeared of her seems like a quiet, shy maharashtrian girl who’d make awesome wife. That of course is my initial hypothesis. The story is yet to unfold.

Grown up us!
Grown up us!

The engagement was grand. I actually expected something different but was pleasantly surprised to see that it was pompous and very well managed. I loved some part of the food and I must say that the mung ka halwa was outstanding. I wanted to have more but then I did not want my blazer to go tight on me! Haha, funny story that! I got myself a new blazer and a pair of woodland shoes for his engagement. Feel good factor added to it. I felt awesome overall. Being there with him on an important day. Sharing those moments with his friends and family. Quite an honour O’ creator of the matrix! We now have an oracle in our midst and we must bow to her. Her name is Bhagyashree and she’s a sweet girl with an adorable smile *touch wood* Almost everyone important attended the ceremony. Namely, the Bangalore gang – Me, Ajay and Chetan and then we had close friends from CVG – Rashmi, Smikh, Anoop and then the others of his batch. So overall, the whole function was a grand success.

Nothing special apart from this happened except for my sister getting herself a laptop which is a cool thing cause now I can talk to her online once in a while and that’d surely help me, you know? I returned early the next morning with Ajay and Chetan; back to Bangalore. They cursed Bangalore throughout the way and well, I’ve made up my mind now – people would have tons of opinions and they have their own choices and likings. I am no one to change it and I should not comment when they vent out their frustration. If they hate this place, they do! Should that bother me? No. So, I must shut up when stuff like that happens again. I really shouldn’t care. So I’m back and I’m sick! What I need now is rest and I’m happy that I’m getting it.

To end this, I have something to say to my former paramour. Listen to me carefully girl! Now I’m not sure you’d read off this page cause from whatever it is that I know of you, I know you’d not return to any aspects of my life. But somehow, I felt like typing this in here, just in case you read. So, I had to tell you just one simple thing. Keep the fuck off our lives! Did you hear me or should I repeat? Ohhh, I nearly forgot, you don’t have a mother tongue. Hindi mein bolu? To fir theek hai, waise bhi bol deta hu – Mujhse aur mere dosth logon se door reh. Here, I mean, keep your mouth shut about any of us. Cause we don’t talk about you. So, here’s a fair chance for you to shut the fuck up and sit uptight. The next time I hear you bad mouthing any of my friends and trust me, things reach us… I’d bust the bubble you’ve made for yourself without thinking twice. And yes, thats a warning. The next time, I won’t save your ass! I’d let those concerned to deal with you and your ignorance. I repeat – it’d be best for you if you just forget us. Live and let live. I expect no further comments from you about someone else’s sexual orientation. Not that your opinions matter, but then you bad mouth again and I’m going to deal with it myself. So, SHUT THE FUCK UP when it comes to us, kapiche?

-Anup

What did I miss?

Yagami light
Can't stop thinking...

 The last few days sped through and I’ve been in a state of idiosyncratic bliss. I’ve been thoughtful and I mostly thought about unnecassary crap. I don’t quite like my affinity to pain and suffering. Somehow, even though I know that I need to get out of the abstract pit of sorrow and troubles that I’ve dug myself into; I just keep digging deeper instead of trying to crawl out. I did try a lot but like I said, I somehow prefer to delve in my self proclaimed fate. Picture a post apocalyptic wasteland where its dead and burning all around you and all you see; to the furthest you can, to event horizon, is nothing but sand. Deserts and more deserts. You wish for a mirage, but even that isn’t coming. You can smell water but each and everytime it turns out to be a desire so strong that it creates illusions you want to believe but something that isn’t true. A desire to be loved, people around you chirping away happily, people who know you and people who don’t co-existing in perfect harmony. Thats what matters, isn’t it? You don’t want to be known by everyone walking on the street. Most of us would want to be known within a small set of people and be loved and considered important. Uhm, well, thats all that I wish for. I have this gut feeling though; a feeling that my best time is over.

Coming back to what really happened over the last few weeks – I had been to Pune for around 5 days. Somewhere right after my birthday. I guess I did talk about it in one of the posts right after my birthday. I was happy on the day I posted that. Mostly because I sang Epiphany infront of a crowd and because almost all the people I considered important wished me on my 25th birthday. Sanket forgot to wish me and a few days later he seemed to humble himself by acknowledging that he had been forgetful and caught up with a lot of work, apparently. In this busy-ness of his he forgot to wish Mank, Abhi, me and even Paresh; his best friend. Well, seriously, I know – women can do this to you. You end up losing up on people who are on your side and who are your friends. People you should care about. But then, who am I to talk about something like this. I’d be a stupid hypocrite if I preach against something I already did, so I’m going to shut up. So, well, I went to Pune on the 5th and I had an awesome time there.

The best part was meeting the new DS batch on the floor. The group of guys I met were part of Abhi’s and Augie’s batch. Augie was super delighted with his career I guess and thats why he ended up giving a treat worth 10 grands. Yes, thats right, 10 fucking thousand. I was aghast at the bill, but then the place was worth it. We had been to this place called Mezza9. Its somewhat like Mini Punjab, but its not a dhaba and this place had class. We sat at this cool downtrodden table with all the chairs we needed and it was real comfy. The lights were perfect and the music sucked. Ahhh, that was expected. The place couldn’t have been perfect, could it? We also had Brian with us. It was good meeting him and talking to him about whats changed in DS/EPS/CVG and he seemed to listen to what I and the others had to say patiently. I’m not sure about what changes he’d be able to bring about, but it felt good when he heard us out. Us included me, Ashwin, Kamal and Ashish. These guys  are the next in line for promotions and all that kinda shit. A bunch of really intelligent guys I’d say. We discussed about the new age politics in the company and about the pathetic set of promotions that had been made based on seniority rather than class, intelligence and grace. It was a silly discussion which later got boring cause Ashwin got high and then sentimental! The whole thing was fun while it lasted.

I then sat down with the new guys to introduce myself to them and thats when I realized that they knew me pretty well. I guess they had heard some stuff about me from Abhi, Augie and the rest. Good things from these guys and I’m sure they must have heard about the nasty stuff from the others. I sure had some fan following in CVG. The fans who carried a negative vibe. These guys were awesome though and they were nothing but fun. I’m not going into names, but this one name I have to mention cause he was practically ripped apart by the rest of his team. This is none other than the 21 year old kid. The glorious flirty mallu – Anoop. Man! He was raped. He took nothing to his heart though and it was all in fun. I enjoyed myself thoroughly and like I told Abhi – thats precisely when I knew why he did not miss us after we left and after the so called gang broke up. He had new people. Guess thats precisely why he wasn’t too keen on coming to Bangalore as mentioned in my testimonial on orkut. I wouldn’t blame him though. Who’d want to leave their hometown and all these good friends for one rather fucked up guy like me? I was never around when I had a girl friend and now I expected him to be around all the time. I’m happy that he decided to stay. At least he has a life now. So, thats that. We ended the treat with a good bye speech by yours truly and I hope it inspired the guys. Thanks for the treat Augie! You rocked while you were there.

I then met Smikh the next day and we saw the movie Jaane tu and I got to spend some quality time with her. Talking about stuff that the both of us liked immensely – people. We gossipped a lot and exchanged gifts. Its her birthday on the 3rd of August and its a special day, you know? Her birthday falls right on friendships day. Ain’t that cool? I had to ask her to keep her hands off the gift before the 3rd. I got gifted with a stunner gift. A philips gogear mp3 player and yeah, it totally rocks. With all the power cuts that Bangalore has, its a life saver for me now. So, yeah that was it. We watched a movie, had tea, malled around a bit and I bade her farewell. It was after this when we had a small incident that I’d rather not talk about, but then, it was weird overall. Somehow, my fault too I must say. I shouldn’t have put Smikh in a picky spot. Sorry for the trouble girly!

I met Muiz and Shaista after this at McDonalds. Here I had another shocker. Muiz switched jobs. He fucking moved to Wipro and guess what? He says he never had time to inform me about him changing jobs. Can you believe that? Seriously? Is there an excuse for not telling me that he had a different job now? He defended himself very callously. Oblivious to the fact that he was being as ignorant as a girl. Anyway, his insensitivity has always astounded me. A cancerian and a 3rd of July born guy like me, but when it comes to feelings, emotions and the taste of food, we are miles apart. He is very different. He actually did not tell me about such a huge career move? Man, I felt like the smallest person in the world when that happened. I have very few friends to begin with and when those few friends treat me like shit, I just suffocate in pity for myself. I mean, whats wrong with people? I consider these to be very important people. I wonder why they’d not treat me right. I don’t ask for them to treat me as friend, but at least as someone who has spend loads of time with them. Hmmm, sigh – I wonder whats wrong with people these days. I would like to second my hypothesis here. There is no love. Friendship is bullshit.

The next day I met Nishant and Unni, my friends from school and we spoke a lot. Career and other things. It felt good talking to the guys. I then attended Nikhils engagement and met a few people I liked a few who I did not. The engagement went well and I got to spend some more quality time with Abhi, Muiz and Bhabhi. After all of this I got to meet Sanket and we kicked his ass for no reason. He knew that I was in town but never bothered to call me. But then here’s the catch – who even fucking cares? I got to meet him and thats what counts. I’m not going to run after people but I’d certainly love to meet them. I met Annie and her mom the next day and we spoke for a while. I then spend the rest of my time amongst family and returned to Bangalore on the 9th. Thats how it ended. During Nikhil’s engagement Abhi gave us some good news. One, he is getting engaged and thats scheduled for the 28th of this month, WOW! Awesomeness and total PWNage. The guy needed a companion desperately. He cannot be alone for gaps in time, you know? He needs people around all the time and this was the coolest thing for him to do. I’m so happy for him. Also, he is getting to go onsite – Copenhagen, Denmark. Ain’t that awesomer? So thats double treat Abhi! I’m going to Pune for his engagement and I just can’t wait. I’ll miss you – the architect, the creator of the Matrix. The guy who decides your fate. Well, thats just about it. I’m tired and I need to hit the gym. PeaceLoveEmpathy,

-Anup

To the yearly rains – I miss you.

I finally convinced myself to shake off the rust that had crept onto my fingers over the last 3 odd weeks. I wasn’t trying to keep myself from writing; but just my usual bouts which did not allow me to hit the keys. Until now that is. I’ve wanted to write ever since I started experiencing power problems! Well, I’m human and every human being has a hole in his heart. We’d always want to talk about whats missing and whats not right. We’d always crib about what makes us uncomfortable and most of us are so used to comfort and leisure that the smallest nano-ounce of discomfort would trigger off a chain reaction which would then force us to ogle out a list of other related woes.

In my case, its the rains! Where the fuck are the clouds? Seriously Zeus; I know you’re a tyrannical god and you rule no hearts. But unfortunately, you rule the skies and you’re the rain god! Where are the rains? If you’re a god, you’d know how the rain makes us humans feel. Especially downright romantics such as myself. I know, I sound like a girl in pink – but do you care? Consider me to be one of those numerous nincompoops you need to provide the rains to. For various reasons, I’d say. We creatures here on earth need water for each and everything.  Our very existence depends on it. Its nearing the end of July and I don’t see it raining anywhere. I mean, what the hell are you waiting for? Give us your fury! Let it rain.

Simply put, the rainy season has arrived with little or no rain clouds and I’m worried about how we’d be able to survive if it continues like this. I need it to rain just like all of us. I wish to see a greener earth. I wish for there to be plenty of food next year. I hope that rain brings us more resources to suck on. The most important one in our case, electricity. Unlike the super powers, we here in developing countries still depend on water for most of our power related needs. So if there’s an upsurge in the demand of electricity, which I’m sure there is; and if its preceded by a monsoon with shortage of water, it’d turn out of to be an irony you can’t laugh at. The situation here in Bangalore is grim. There is no power for almost 3-4 hours a day. Also, what annoys me is the part where they do not declare the power cuts. Why can’t we be more civilized? Like Kerala maybe? There, they have been minimizing power usage since times immortal. 30 minutes of blackout everyday is something thats told to everyone and something thats followed religiously. No one minds it. Out here and over the last 2 weeks; we face power outages every 3-4 hours for like 30-40 minutes and it rips my patience off.

Finally, the main reason I miss the rains. I miss its beauty. I miss the drizzle and I miss the warmth it carries along with all its shivers. Its life I feel and its beautiful. The smell of rain on dry soil… mmm; one fragrance that man couldn’t capture yet. I miss the fragrance too. Its hardly rained! What the hell is going on? I just want it to rain. Apart from this everything is in place and I’m on top of the world. I haven’t been hitting the gym for over 2 weeks. Mostly because I thought my body needed some rest. I’ve kept the dieting tempo up though and have kept away from any fattening food. I’ll hit the gym pretty soon. There are other stories to talk about, but then, those worry me, so I won’t talk about it. Abhi, Muiz, Smikh and everyone else close to me is in line for beginning a new life with someone special. I feel that I’d be left alone. Not that I’m so full of people right now, but then I can at least think about these people now. A few months down the line, I’d be a loner for good. But then, what the fuck? I’ll deal with it too. My apathy towards loneliness keeps on increasing. Being alone doesn’t scare me anymore. Heh.

-Anup