A solitary ramble…

I try my best to avoid discussing my loneliness because I’m sure about the fact that no one would be interested in reading about my desolate life. Pfft, am I hoping too much here? Who is even reading here? Except for me of course. I keep reading my own writings over and over again, cause I feel calmer after I’ve read my words which narrate my life which as of now seems to be nothing but a solitary ramble of unimportant and trivial happenings.


I hope, everyday, that things will get better and that I’d find friends, I’d probably find people I like being with and like talking to. Unfortunately, I seem to move more and more into myself each day. I used to frequently visit my Uncle and my cousins who live a few houses away, but now, I don’t feel like going over. I somehow seem to prefer sitting at home cause once I return from there the loneliness seems to strike me more. I start missing home and my parents. This hasn’t happened to me before. This did not happen when I came to Bangalore before this. Probably because I never had friends when I left Pune. Or maybe because I came to Bangalore, then, to live my life. This time, I have just run away from my worst nightmares and thats what I’m still trying to do. Again, unfortunately, the scar of my previous attempt at making friends is still green. Somehow, it isn’t healing itself or maybe I am not letting it heal away. I want it to remain, just so that it reminds me that trusting people isn’t possible anymore.

My life has become monotonous. Everyday is the same and there is no change. I used to have a vibrant and colourful life back in Pune. Of course, most of it came from someone; who I found out later was actually faking love, tolerating me just because she was scared of me. Well, I was stupid. And how do I forget about my friends? I’ve had amazing friends and I will never forget them. I miss them whenever I think about making new friends. But, uhm, guess the problem here isn’t about me making friends. The problem is I don’t meet a lot of people to make friends. My office is full of people who are in their mid-lives and they have a family to support. Wife, children and other liabilities and responsibilities. People who’d just want to run back home, grab a bear and be with their family rather than have a decent conversation with me. The thing is, HP is a kind of place where you’d want to settle down. People come here after they’ve lived life, you know? Experimented all kind of shit and now, they just wish to earn their dough and go home. I am not indicating that HP is not the right place for me. It’s just that I feel, sometimes, that I’ve landed here too soon. I did not get enough out of CVG maybe! It’s just a maybe.

Just to make points about my life as of today (which is nothing less than a cliche):

-Wake up, get ready and go to work.
-Work, eat and listen to music.
-Get back, TV, computer, the internet.
-Weekend: A 2 day TV schedule.

The most weirdest part is that I don’t see a silver lining anywhere. Somehow, I don’t know where I’m headed. I requested mom and Sneha to come over for a week or so. But, dad is alone and he works hard. Understandably, he cannot be left alone and thus, I decided to not coax mom about coming over. She’d come after March anyway. Over and above this; she seems to be completely oblivious about my situation and her ignorance continues to torture me. I’m sure that I’ll deal with the “being alone” thing. I’ll get used to that and one day stop wanting friends.

What I can’t ignore is her ignorance.

 P.S: I’ve changed the theme and I like it.


My life – A carnival of rust.

Yes, I am totally owned by Poets of the fall as of now and I listen to them sing everyday. I seem to float off into a wonderland when their words fall on my ears. The lyrics seem so perfect and the music? It’s simply outstanding.


Marko is one of the best vocalists I’ve heard and somehow, I seem to able to listen to him sing over and over again. The guitarist and keyboardist; no doubt create magic with the music they bring out, but its the voice that I love the most. Its easy to get their music, if you know how! Get both their albums if you can. Signs of life and Carnival of Rust \m/

Coming to the part where I’d rant about how lonely and miserable my life is right now… Uhm, I’ve decided to not talk about it, cause, fuck! It’s getting to be alright, slowly, but steadily. I’m good and I guess its better to just continue being the way I am rather than make changes, include people, start depending on them and lose them. Somehow, I don’t feel like getting back to the worst cliche of my life. Make friends (with great difficulty) and then lose them. Sometimes, they just seem to disappear. I’m not sure why they go or where it is that they go to; they just seem to drift off from my life and never come back. Hmmm, its not weird. I am mad, a psycho, thats what I got from someone very close to me.

My old machine seemed to die on me recently. I’m not sure what happened, but the whole screen did the Matrix thing and *poof* it went blank. It struck me that this was the best time to upgrade! Thats precisely what I did. I had to cough out like 5,700 Rs, but thats alright. I got a brand new motherboard. An Asus MB with an inbuilt nVidia graphic chipset, AMD Athlon 4200+ 2.21 Ghz~ and a 2GB RAM stick. My box is fully loaded for now and I feel proud about the way it runs. I managed to rebuild it along with Vista (Buah!) and Ubuntu. Here’s how my desktop looks now:


Ohh yeah! Thats cloud and he’s like my new role model. Uhm, for the first time, I felt alright that I kinda liked a rather femalish male! I mean, he looks beautiful. Let me not forget, but he CAN look innocent. I mean, whoa! I recently saw Final Fantasy VII – Advent Children and was totally blown over by Cloud and of course; Sephiroth. The story line is nice and the animation is awesome. Whats outstanding though is the plot and of course the characters. I loved the movie. Apart from this, I watched; Hitman which kind of broke my heart. I saw a CAM print to begin with, plus the overall movie did not seem to carry the plot which the game moved with so well! The depiction of Hitman (Timothy Olyphant) was mediocre and not something that’d cause the Ohh-effect. After this I managed to download and watch National Treasure. I always feel happy after a successful treasure hunt. So, yeah, it was worth the bandwidth.

I’m not sure if I’d get that leave I requested for in February. It kinda sucks, cause I was hoping to do a lot of things when I went to Pune for the first time after I came here. I guess I’ll need to try harder to convince the higher ups! I really need to go home for a while. Apart from that, work has been fine, except of course for the Transport, which seems to be going through some real trouble. I wouldn’t blame them though; because we flock out in sheer numbers and then there are people all over the place. I’m not sure if this could be done in order, but the way it is currently, I spend around 30 minutes pushing and prodding to finally get a cab which would take me all over Bangalore before dropping me home. The people at such kind of high end corporate companies seem tight lipped though. Most of them would chatter non-stop on the phone. The problem is, they talk so soft that you can’t even eavesdrop! Damn; thats when I realize that I have no one to talk to.

Apart from that, I’m still ugly and ohh, people think I look old. WOW! I’m turning Uncle.


Passive smoking.

To begin with, this post is intended to those who smoke and those who live alongside all of these unsuspecting innocent, able men and women. Those who choose to spend money to buy something that not only burns them, but also people who love them and care for them. Now, this might sound exaggerated to most, but trust me, from all the reading that I’ve done about this; it seems scary. I’ve been trying to avoid smoke as much as I can, but since I work in an industry full of people who like to burn tobacco and inhale it deep down, mash it with carbon dioxide and then exhale it out, there’s little I can do to keep myself aloof all the smoke plaguing my environment.

I’ve always known that my life is going to be shorter than my forefathers and trust me, I don’t give a damn. It’s difficult anyway. What concerns me is the way I reach my grave. I certainly don’t want to be another victim of smoke caused death. I’ve discussed this with a few and most seem to think on lines where smoke has become a part of their life and they can do nothing about it. I am very sure that most of them don’t know what they’re doing.

Choosing to smoke and destroying your own health is one thing but passive smoking, also known as Environmental Tobacco Smoke (ETS) or Secondhand Smoke (SHS), damages the health of those around you. These people have no choice as to whether or not they are exposed to your harmful smoke. Passive smoking constitutes a serious public health risk to both children and adults.

It is also a major source of indoor air pollution. A non-smoker is subjected to both the “sidestream” smoke from the burning tip of the cigarette and the “mainstream” smoke that has been inhaled and then is exhaled into their environment by the smoker. Nearly four-fifths of the smoke that builds up in a room containing a smoker is of the more harmful “sidestream” type.

Most of us may not notice the prolonged side effects of passive smoking. Almost all of us believe that we don’t smoke and that keeps us safe. There’s a revelation that I wanted to share

Any person exposed to passive smoking may experience short-term symptoms such as a headache, a cough, wheezing, an eye irritation, a sore throat, nausea or dizziness. Adults with asthma may also experience a significant decline in lung function when exposed to secondhand smoke. Under these conditions it can take as little as half an hour for an individual’s coronary blood flow to become reduced.

It was estimated that prolonged exposure to secondhand tobacco smoke, such as in the home, increases the risk of lung cancer by approximately 20 to 25%. Even if you do not accept the accuracy of these percentages, it is well established that you have an increased chance of developing lung cancer through passive smoking if you are a non-smoker but live with someone who smokes. The chances of suffering from ischaemic heart disease is greater for those exposed to passive smoking compared to those who are not. Studies have shown that the risk of experiencing a heart attack is believed to be almost doubled by regular exposure to secondhand smoke.

I mean, this makes my headspin, because I live in a society full of men and women who cannot quit smoking. It’s a part of their intake of oxygen, it’s something that drives their brain to think (something so gaseous?), it’s even something that pushes them to crap in the morning. The bloody burning stick causes pain and suffering beyond our wildest imagination. I do not want to come up with numbers, because guess what? Most of my freinds, smoke. I am a passive smoker. And what can I do about it? Nothing. When I think, what am I without these people? I can see nothing but smoke.

To continue to smoke and put the health of your family and loved-ones at risk would seem, on the face of it, to be a rather selfish act. When you take into account the damage that smoking is doing to your own body then it seems more like insanity. Think of how traumatic it would be if a member of your family became ill or died because of your smoking habit. Now consider the fact that they would feel exactly the same way if smoking ended your life prematurely or made you seriously ill. But well, who cares?

You talk about this to a smoker and he/she would say – TALK TO MY HAND; and there you’d see a lit cigarette.