Ramblings – Page 3 – Helmet Pinched

The smaller things in life.

I’ve always been in love with the smaller things in life. I’d take my time to savour every second of such an occasion and my brains full of these tiny but important things. Come to think of it now, I don’t like thinking of the more complicated problems I or anyone else has for that matter. I’m better off in my world of bits and tinier bits.

I was talking to Ruch yesterday and it was from there that I had this whole thought of expressing whatever was in my heart. Again, I’ve not yet learnt the basic instinct where we humans think and act from different parts of our body. For me, its all heart and I’d want to change but I can’t seem to help myself now. Ruch was telling me about her small squabbles at home and how it affects her. The weird feeling in me was about how drabby life would be without these small fights at home. No reason to cry, no reason to apologize, fights with mom and siblings, a sibling who adores you, a father who acts tough but isn’t and most importantly the food mom cooks! Foods the reason for all make-ups at my place. We’d all have to face each other at the table, whatever the fight be!

I sometimes feel like I’m watching the world around me from a distance and I look at all those people running around for glitz, glamour and glory. I’m confused, do I really want to be a part of the mob or am I happy where I am; this distant space in time where its just me and I’m looking at the world? I’m not a part of the race. I don’t feel the need to excel in anything. I don’t feel like competing cause I always find myself running on a different plateau and I’m tired of running. Why should I bother competing with myself? I can see everyone else running a race they’d never finish. Trying desperately to outrun everyone else. And in this feeble attempt at winning life’s race they’d forget to wait and notice whats whizzing by. Its beauty unlike what they’ve ever seen. I am contented with what I have and with the way I live life but I feel the need to share the infinite joys I find in smaller things and I find no one to share it with cause everyone else is running. I know, I might sound depressing. But then, think about it how many of us have the time to:

Wake up in the morning and look at the rising sun and feel its warmth.
Talk to the watchman and share a smile.
Take out your own garbage.
Let that stray dog walk with you silently.
Take a walk and observe people.
Think about aliens and wonder about life on other planets.(HELL YEAH!!)
Dig your nose on an idle tuesday afternoon. At work? Then notice the people around and pretend that you have an irritable itch.

I can think of many more small reasons to feel happy for life but then I feel the world around me has turned anhedonic and what makes them happy is success, power, money and everything else thats nothing but temporary. I guess people would laugh at me for being a dorky dreamer or a whacko freak but then I’ve learnt to not give a shit and then again – Ignorance is bliss! I feel sad for myself cause I’m part of the mob and I sometimes tend to flow in its flow. Here again, I remember the time when I was in love. Man!! I so miss those seconds… those seconds when I watched her walk back home and I waited for her to fade off, waited for her to whisper a ‘love you’ as she clenched onto my jelly belly and we drove off to nowhere, watched her eyes close ever so slowly as we kissed; seemed like eons of neverending glee… THEN! Now, I don’t quite know what to make of all of that. I’m just part of the move on generation and all I can do is move on ever so nonchalant, lost for words and love.

-Anup

The 17 year old me.

I’ve been going through a phase in my life where I’m trying to fight a side of me that I don’t like. I’m trying to fight a loving family thats weighing me down with expectations and desires that I cannot always fulfill however hard I try. Career related confusions which puts me and a very important person through a lot of trouble. Well, I’m in trouble cause he’s in trouble. I just can’t seem to make my god damned mind on what I want and this is not new to me. I’ve always been a fucking confuscio. Mangled by my own selfish self and the world which seems to be just as selfish and cruel. Everyone is selfish; I’d say. No ones a saint and I’d dare all those who’d say that they are! Like they put in a 100% from their side for someone else without expecting something in return.

Then again, I have my ongoing war with an alter-ego that I just can’t resist. He is too strong for me and wants me to do things which I know will destroy my otherwise sane and simple life which is so meticulously planned out that you’d almost miss the boredom written all over it. Its somewhat like Mozarts music. A melody that you pretend to like or a shady corner in a rain filled sunny day. Since I mentioned him; my other side that is… its not like he is a bad person. I mean, he’s nowhere close to being bad. Its just something I’ve wanted since the time I saw the movie “Into the wild” and in it I heard the song – Hard sun by Eddie Vedder. I really want to do that, you know? I’m not sure if I’d burn money like he did cause I don’t have any. Nothing but debt which’d take me over 3 years more of work to pay up and thats if I don’t keep adding more to it. Fuck! I’m in a vicious circle. Dad had warned me but I chose to ignore him as per uge! Coming back to the wild part of me – my recent roadtrip to Kerala has ignited the desire to wander off to nowhere and be completely out of touch; at least for a while. Sadly, all I can think of for now is the next movie I’d queue in. Drab ehh? Not really. I’m alright and I find absolute bliss in the ‘alone’ but unlonely life I live. Before I get down to discussing what I really wanted to say, here’s something I sung recently. Turned out good:

[audio:http://www.anup.org/audio/ae.mp3]

The very reason I decided to include my previous story before this post was to show myself and the others about the wear and tear my thought process and inversely, my writing has gone through over the years. Especially since I seem to think out the stuff I write these days rather than heart it out. I’ve hated that and I’ve always preached against people taking time off to write and you know… make an effort. The words should flow; right from your heart, proceed to the brain, no filters applied, go through to your blood and then seamlessly move into your fingers and out onto paper. Thats when it’ll really work; I feel. Making an attempt never helps for me and thats what I wanted to tell myself. YELL IT OUT EVEN! Here’s what a 17 year old me wrote:

The prodigal son:

For the last twenty years you tolerated me,
But, it was difficult for me
to be the way you wanted me to be…
It’s unbearable for you to see me in pain I know,
Crappy fuck you have to reap the seeds you sow.

Dad, you know? … you are my idol,
Again, I don’t intend on making academics my bridle…
I don’t wish to be what you have been,
An under to a jerk, thats all you have seen.
Not that I am some able dearth,
To reach some where near your worth…

Easier said than done,
The illusions of my mind make me a prodigal son.
As I sit typing and chatting shit,
All day long to virtual beauty tits.
I know it’s high time I gave it a chuck,
Hah, you know what? I am the biggest schmuck!
I love you dad… and your wife?
She means every thing to me in my life.
You never let me out of hugs and cash,
But your words were harder than a leathered whiplash.
I am not sorry to be what I am,
But now its difficult to shun,
And quit being a PRODIGAL SON!

My Redemption:

I walk my life alone,
Redeeming the deeds that I have yet to mourn.
I’ve always been there,
In gods court; he was always unfair.
He gave me goodness that I never deserved,
Then asked me for justification which I never preserved.
He wrote upon me, his able son,
A chapter that was to never begun.

Joy is just one side of the coin,
Pain and suffering plagues the other.
Someone asked me the other day,
Doesn’t pain give you pleasure?
I was dumbfounded, did not know where to start…
Couldn’t let her know that, “Hey! that was smart.”
She was a feline when it came to curiousness,
and look at me boasting prolific seriousness.
She gave me a shirk, looking at my bening self,
But in my dark ignorance I continued to delve.

Finally I realized; late but yeah… there was light,
I ran towards enlightment with all my might.
And lastly… I could see glow.
The redemptions of my life – All the pain and suffering,
Which were aflow.

So you read that and you read the story beneath it, you’d see what bothers me. I’m letting the pitious ambience I live in get to me. Its alright that its getting to me, but I shouldn’t let it reach my writing. I do well when I don’t force myself. I hated that story but I’m going to let it stay. Just so that I remember that however vicious the circle be around me, I should be me!

-Anup

In my humble opinion.

Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one. Every asshole is just as stinky as every other from where you and I are. In fact, I’d go on to say, “I don’t care about what you think!” but that’d just be me; exaggerating my aggravated ego which seems to grow on me as each day passes. I don’t like the part where people annoy me. It just seems to make me very vulnerable. I seem to make it very obvious to friends and everyday passerby’s that you’d be able to crack me up just by telling me that I’m wrong. Its that way for most of us, but I’d want to be like Chetan in this case. Strong… so much so that you just can’t move him. Your feeble attempts at getting him out of his comfortable stance will fall on deaf ears. Your opinions and thoughts will be filtered out and he’ll take only what he wants to hear. He’d appear to be the most calm and composed person ever; pretending to listen to you but there’d be a ton of other more important things (for him) going on in his head. I’d want to be like that, but then, somehow I hate it when people try to impose their likes, opinions and ideas on me. I don’t do that to anyone. I delve in my own hole and I seem to be able to make myself happy without having to try too hard. Somehow, I have no complexes and I don’t need to put people down to boost my ego. I can do that by just living!

So you like this and I like that. Did I tell you to like that? Then why do you expect me to like this? Did I say this was bad and that was better? Did I even ask you about this? Did I ask you to like that? I wonder why some people seem to have this compulsive need to bestow their opinions down onto you, like they are the masters of this universe and what they think and know should be universally accepted. Your opinion is just as stinky as mine so why don’t you savor your pudding and let me enjoy mine? Hell no! With some people this just won’t work. They are incorrigible and they think the world of themselves. I really don’t want to be bitching like this on a blog that no one reads but then I wasn’t sure about any other place to vent. And guess the funny part? Most of these self obsessive parasites of originality are amongst your circle of family and friends and there is nothing you can do to escape their wrath! God dammit people; don’t you’ll get the simple point here? To what dogma’s do all minds agree? See my point, please… I LIKE THIS AND NOT THAT period

Moving on to something more interesting – my drive down to Kerala is all planned and I can’t wait anymore. I’ve been waiting for a chance to unwind (mostly within myself) and uhm, enjoy some nature maybe, get some photography done, be with family and go on a long drive. This trip gives me all that I wanted and more. I got my baby serviced and she’s sparkling clean now. The engineer at Mandovi explained the functioning of the A/C and also told me that it was but obvious for it to get so dusty inside when I had the front filter button turned off. I got it cleaned and polished inside, oil and water change, gear tested, brakes tested and overall the guy thought my car was doing very well. No problems whatsoever with the engine, clutch or the alignment. All’s good – so fuck you! Yeah you who thinks I don’t drive right *winks* Not to forget, I witnessed a not-so-funny incident in Forum the other day. I was staring at this couple as I rose onto the second floor via the elevator which seemed to be slower than ever. This was perhaps the cutest couple I had seen that day and I was about to do my usual thing where I’d look at them, smile and whisper a ‘bless you!’ but here is where things went wrong. Both of them were cuddled up peering into the crowd below and I thought they were smiling. They were standing next to each other arm to arm and the girl seemed to be playing with his hair. Out of nowhere the guy (using his elbow) back punches the girl on her nose sending her back in agony almost cursing aloud. And my face goes from the “God bless you’ll look” to the “Dude? What the fuck?” look and he notices me and 4 other guys on the other side staring at him. Here (realizing that we saw that) the girl suddenly starts laughing and tickling him. He; still shocked to notice us noticing him tries to play along but looks miserably darned and the both of them fizzle out of there. Man that was weird. I had a bitter feeling in my mind for the entire evening. What’s wrong with people?

In other news; my workshop on creating writing comes to an end on Saturday the 8th and I’m very satisfied with its outcome. An awesome teacher, a few good people to have known and some rock solid information. We’re having this session come party thing on Saturday and that’d be it. I must continue writing on my book. It is a very difficult process they say and it’d take more than just will to see your words end with someone’s smile, laughter or tears. I assume it’d feel like suspended animation; total bliss! Anyhoo, I’m hoping to write more once after I’m done with the whole thing in December and a couple of other things on my mind. I’m hoping to continue work on it in January. I saw the movie – Body of Lies and I’d strongly recommend it. Everything about that movie rocks, so I won’t talk much about it. Just watch it! That’s just about it. I might not be able to write anything before I leave on Sunday. So I guess I’ll see you guys after I return and yes, I will make notes and provide a complete travel-log when I return. Ohh and I’d like to end with something I wrote in class in the last session:

I peered into the strange cloud above my head,
As if trying to steal a sneak peak into whats inside.
Strange; cause it had no silver lining…
Just another wet cloud above my bed.
Love has been like that for me,
The most broken gift that it could ever be.

The cloud never thunders and bursts,
It just seems to hang on choking me as it does…
Clusters of love from you that turned to dust.
The cloud is full of questions and I drift…
Is it me or him that she loves?
God damn this strange cloud of love;
Can’t you just rain it down on me and stop being up above?

-Anup

The morning expresso!

Dimmed lights, a miniscule crowd, silence and some guy far away… vigorously tapping on his keyboard; thats morning shift for you. I love this shift and I prefer working early morning than the afternoons. Luckily, I have colleagues who prefer the afternoon shifts because they’d want to sleep late into the morning hours. I’ve been in love with the early morning hours since the time I can remember myself waking up for school. Dad brushing my teeth, telling me how important it is to brush our teeth carefully; sliding the brush from top to bottom than sideways. He’d then carefully use warm water (which mom heated up on the gas) to wash my face and hands. Mom would take on from here and get me dressed and packed up for school. By around 8:15 AM I’d find myself walking to my bus stop where I’d meet my school mates and we’d play football with those small infamous rubber balls which would most usually end with someone getting hurt, but we played anyway. The early morning sun beaming down upon us felt so good then! The only worries being about the test results or probably being beaten up by Rakesh. I wasn’t allowed to have coffee then. I was a kid and add to that I had asthama which dad was meticulously weeding off by means of homeopathy and loads of love and affection. I can still feel his cheeks against mine. That was how he’d measure body temprature. He doesn’t do that anymore… infact, he hardly talks to me and he probably has umpteen reasons to be so very disconnected from him son, pfft, can’t blame him.

Today, I can sip on a cuppa coffee and take a deep breath out there in the sun as it shines down on me glimmering away and flickering sometimes from between the trees that seem to only hide my troubles, pains and sorrows; just when you feel all smothered it’d gently sway away and let a beam pass by. Is this what you call a ray of hope?

Well, I love expresso but I prefer drinking tea at work because I have this thing where tea pwns* coffee (for me) if and when its a question of keeping me awake. Luckily for me, I have Hemant working with me today and thus I get to chat up with him and listen to some music as he goes on blabbering endlessly about information I don’t need. He’d talk about reports that I’m supposed to make but I don’t cause Microsoft excel IMHO, sucks. I hate the bloody software and I hate those stupid reports. What the fuck do they make out of all these reports anyway? Nothing. As far as I’m concerned – Do you have a problem? No? Well, then I’m doing my job right. There is no way to measure what I’m doing cause well, I’m not doing much. But I’m there, you know? Just in case you need me! I’m somewhat like a handgun if you’re dropping down into a pithole to explore the caves there; you’d rather carry one and brag about it than not carry it and die just in case a monster pops out from nowhere!

I picked up an expresso today, mostly cause I was lost in thought and to think and write truthfully, I was pretty lost for words. Here is when I started about the juncture where I left my last post at. So how exactly do you fill up the void? There is no arguement to the fact that you have a hole, an empty space when you lose someone you love. For some people (like the girl I loved in this case) its easy; filling up the black hole. Infact, they don’t even require time to feel sorrowful about losing something as precious as love. They don’t need to mourn the loss of a friend and companion. All they want to do is to move on. Is it that easy? I’ve tried very hard over the past 9 months to extract myself from the mess I fell into and I have been successful but to a certain extent. She hasn’t fully left me, you know? And strands of her that remains seem like hair in your food. You can remove whats fallen in and continue eating it as if nothing happened, but then it’d be there in the back of your mind about how contaminated your food was. Then there are people like me, who’d stare at the food, get up and leave. Other, more brighter people would just get themselves a fresh serving. The last option is the most difficult one, I feel. Also, after being hurt so bad in love, how do people trust enough to fall in love again? And most importantly, ever so quickly? How do people tend to forget marriages that were broken due to small ego-fights? Relationships these days seem so unreal and fickle. A strong bond seems to be a thing of the past. I hate the fuckin’ move-on generation. To describe my exact feelings, I’d have to use some words by Pink Floyd, but it makes sense. Its a song, but I’m just going to type it down – one sentence. I was spending my time in the doldrums. I was caught in a cauldron of hate. I felt persecuted and paralyzed. I thought everything else would just wait. Its a sad feeling and it takes a lot more than just optimistic thinking to get out of. The answer is pretty simple though. Its going to be like this till the time you find someone to fill the void. The only thing you need to take care of is to not make hasty choices/decisions and try to wait a while. Give yourself a breather and then finally, don’t look for him/her. Let it happen. Hah! arranged marriage in my case, duh!

I’ve been in a state of chagrined discomfort over the past few days and I’m not sure about what actions I’d need to take in order to achieve what I really want or reach up and grab destiny by its throat. The undying problem here is, I have so many options; most of which I cannot relate to, some that I cannot get even though I can, its too much of a pun to explain so lets not go there. A couple which seem like a plausible excuse to my ever-growing reasoning on why I should go back to Pune and then a few others which are still unclear mostly cause the tinker fairies are still working on them. I’d really want to see how things shape up for me. I wish I could time travel and explore every option. Abhi and Muiz confuse me a lot and my love for Bangalore (which I cannot explain) wants me to stick on. The concern is (like I’ve said before) I’ve landed here way too early. I am unable to cope up with a monotonous job and a friendless work life. I’ve had too little and too unreal of those vibrant friendships, romances and everything else. I’d really want to live my age. Currently, I’m like this 30 year old who lives his pointless life encumbered by a thousand woes but still not looking for an answer. All I’m looking for is a passage, an escape route. Frankly, a way back into love.

The garnishing over the afromentioned soul-less dish: I bought a 500 GB Western Digital hard drive and it helps a lot because I have around 200 GB worth movies and porn and I had no place to house them. Now since I have this magical hardware thingy, I can continue raping Airtel. Movies I’ve watched over the past few days – Kidnap, Drona and Hello (Bollywood) A walk in the clouds, Fracture, Stranger than fiction, Tinkerbell, Ghost in the shell and many many more in the angrezi* section. I’m tired now and Hemant is annoying me;/ I might as well upload pictures of my HDD and this soft ball thing which I love kicking around a lot. Maybe later. Peace out.

-Anup

My days out.

I’ve had a cyclone of strings to write about and these have kept me unsure about what to write first. I’d think about what to write and then give up. This usually never happened to me because I’d let my fingers flow; not according to what was on my head but mostly what was in my heart. Precisely like what I told Vijay earlier yesterday when he said that the stuff I wrote hid certain parts of me. I’d beg to differ here though because according to me writing was the only activity that got the best out of me. But then, maybe he’s right. Probably, this hideous behaviour is subconscious. I’m not sure about what I’d need to do to be more crystal and then again, whats the point in me trying to change the way I write? That’d just be someone else looking back and asking a different set of questions.

Coming to what happened last week. It was a festive week since it was Dassera and Radha aunty and family had decided to go on an outing. They were unsure about two spots – Innovative film city or Nandi hills. I suggested Nandi cause I think its a lovely place to be plus I’d wanted to get out of the sultry October heat. The weather in Bangalore is kinda weird these days. It rains when you think its going to shine the rest of the day. It rains along with the heat and I love the rainbows. Kuttapi decided to traumatize us because he coaxed us into going to Innovative since he had feedback that the place rocked. Before I talk about the place, I’d like to warn all those people who have even thought of going there somewhere down the line to consider their idea again because its a bad one. The place is the biggest rip-off I’ve ever seen and it was a complete waste of time, energy and money. We were drained by the time we returned; not cause we enjoyed being there but because me and Ravi Uncle had jointly spent around 3,500 Rs and mostly it was for nothing. Like I said, its rip-off and its one of its kind!

The ripping-off begins from the time you enter the place where the entry fee is Rs 50 per person (seems nominal but ends up being quite a lot if you’re in a gang) from here on every room you enter you’d lose purse-weight, an average of Rs 100 ever time. The machinery and technology used belonged to the neantherthal age and it made me mad when I saw the video game arcade. God damn it! Those were the oldest nintendos I had ever seen and I wondered about what the fuck it was that they thought when they decided to get these old age things out for sale. The sad yet funny part of this story though was that they were making a lot of money out of it. People made beelines to all of these rooms which displayed a variety of things, or so to say a charade of lies. There was nothing worthwile inside any of these rooms. Tussads wax museum – huh, what in the name of god was that? I laughed my ass out at some of the statues. Ripleys; we didn’t even bother going in and so did we ignore the dinosaur enclave. The only tolerable part was where we watched the 4D movie and even though it was kinda stone age it still made me giggle. Then the food court, the mind blowing display of foodelicious delights or so they said it was. This was the most miserable place to eat cause it all tasted and smelt like chicken and we were veggies. I ate what I bought but then trust me, the food was distasteful and I had to eat two icecreams after; just to make the taste go away. The mirror maze was another rip-off because they had one of their men inside who used to show us the way; just so that people don’t spend more than 10 minutes inside. This was ironic cause whats the point of a labyrinth when you’d have directions written all over it? The mini-golf was a rip-off from far far away and thus we never ventured in that direction. I laughed my ass out when I reached the so called state of the art go-karting track cause it was a small roadline with weird small cars nearly screeching as they ran with families loaded onto it. And they call this go-karting; way to go, losers! Here on we did not feel like spending a dime more and decided to take off. This left Kuttapi in a fix though because he wanted to go take a dip in the wave pool but it was expensive business. His dad asked him to go take a shower when we reached home. That was funny. Kuttapi wasn’t grumpy though, he just cursed the place along with me. We clicked some pictures to remind ourselves of how much the place sucked and ran for our lives.

Now its not like I love go-karting but the tracks on mysore road called Grips was a lot more fun than this could ever be. I didn’t quite enjoy it as much as the F1 champs Ajay and Rispi neither was I gleefully excited like Chetan was but I was happy to be amongst them and go for a joyride in the small car. I mean, I don’t see the point – why drive a small car when I can roar on an 87 BHP Maruti Swift? Its stupid I thought. Also, go-karting is expensive leisure just as well. Anyhow, the point here is that Innovative film city courtesy Jai (I’m going to kill you when I meet you) and Kuttapi turned to be one of my worst nightmares and these rippers must close it down till the time they complete the work there at least and even after that if they’d really wanna run the place they’d need to build on what they have. Alright, I’m done with my rambling. The thought on my mind right now is – How do we fill the void of someone we loved a lot and lost in the end? Especially when we know that our loss means nothing to them? Grrr, why is it that one glimpse of an old love causes a nostalgic whirlwind which would drown us almost always? How do I get OUT of this once and for all?

-Anup