I try my best to avoid discussing my loneliness because I’m sure about the fact that no one would be interested in reading about my desolate life. Pfft, am I hoping too much here? Who is even reading here? Except for me of course. I keep reading my own writings over and over again, cause I feel calmer after I’ve read my words which narrate my life which as of now seems to be nothing but a solitary ramble of unimportant and trivial happenings.
I hope, everyday, that things will get better and that I’d find friends, I’d probably find people I like being with and like talking to. Unfortunately, I seem to move more and more into myself each day. I used to frequently visit my Uncle and my cousins who live a few houses away, but now, I don’t feel like going over. I somehow seem to prefer sitting at home cause once I return from there the loneliness seems to strike me more. I start missing home and my parents. This hasn’t happened to me before. This did not happen when I came to Bangalore before this. Probably because I never had friends when I left Pune. Or maybe because I came to Bangalore, then, to live my life. This time, I have just run away from my worst nightmares and thats what I’m still trying to do. Again, unfortunately, the scar of my previous attempt at making friends is still green. Somehow, it isn’t healing itself or maybe I am not letting it heal away. I want it to remain, just so that it reminds me that trusting people isn’t possible anymore.
My life has become monotonous. Everyday is the same and there is no change. I used to have a vibrant and colourful life back in Pune. Of course, most of it came from someone; who I found out later was actually faking love, tolerating me just because she was scared of me. Well, I was stupid. And how do I forget about my friends? I’ve had amazing friends and I will never forget them. I miss them whenever I think about making new friends. But, uhm, guess the problem here isn’t about me making friends. The problem is I don’t meet a lot of people to make friends. My office is full of people who are in their mid-lives and they have a family to support. Wife, children and other liabilities and responsibilities. People who’d just want to run back home, grab a bear and be with their family rather than have a decent conversation with me. The thing is, HP is a kind of place where you’d want to settle down. People come here after they’ve lived life, you know? Experimented all kind of shit and now, they just wish to earn their dough and go home. I am not indicating that HP is not the right place for me. It’s just that I feel, sometimes, that I’ve landed here too soon. I did not get enough out of CVG maybe! It’s just a maybe.
Just to make points about my life as of today (which is nothing less than a cliche):
-Wake up, get ready and go to work.
-Work, eat and listen to music.
-Get back, TV, computer, the internet.
-Sleep.
-Repeat.
-Weekend: A 2 day TV schedule.
The most weirdest part is that I don’t see a silver lining anywhere. Somehow, I don’t know where I’m headed. I requested mom and Sneha to come over for a week or so. But, dad is alone and he works hard. Understandably, he cannot be left alone and thus, I decided to not coax mom about coming over. She’d come after March anyway. Over and above this; she seems to be completely oblivious about my situation and her ignorance continues to torture me. I’m sure that I’ll deal with the “being alone” thing. I’ll get used to that and one day stop wanting friends.
What I can’t ignore is her ignorance.
P.S: I’ve changed the theme and I like it.
-Anup
