Author: Anup

Guidelines & Resolutions

Overall, I have noticed that the last few years of my life have all been about me pampering myself with the best things in life. I have since then become this fat pig who doesn’t have any structure. No really, I mean that physically and psychologically. This has got me to a point in life where I am having to deal with complications that I shouldn’t have at age 31. In any case, I have decided to end the prodigal run and come back to my senses. Here are some rules and I must put them on my pin board (which I am soon to find). I hope to sticky this post so that it always reminds me of these points:

  1. Eat 5-6 times a day; short servings.
  2. Eat Fiber rich food as far as possible.
  3. Include more green veggies in the diet.
  4. Sugar is alright but keep it nominal, on occasions and as need be. Do not consume sugar/sugar based processed items as “food” as this is a major problem!
  5. Eat fruits; but keep the servings to small ones and as snacks.
  6. Reduce milk wherever possible and if needed (tea) try to make home tea with skimmed milk only.
  7. Move whenever possible. Do not sit at a stretch for more than 30 minutes.
  8. Exercise – come up with a plan and do it right. Start with a 30-40 minute brisk walk every day.
  9. SLEEP – Try to get good 7-8 hrs of sleep per day.
  10. Change sleep habits to sleep early and wake up early.
  11. Get rid of the need to play video games. Play when you can and not live when you can.
  12. Get out of the house whenever possible, get some fresh air. Your family deserves it just as well.
  13.  Stop making excuses; be it for anything. Excuses and procrastination are the strongest signs of absolute weakness.
  14. Be nicer to people who are close to you. Taking them for granted is a mistake.
  15. Travel – try to make time to see the world. Use your holidays and money wisely.
  16. Give your friends a call every now and then. If possible, visit and catch up. Friends are your lifeline.
  17. Concentrate on work when at work and ensure to not be out of focus. Set tangible goals and plans.
  18. Come back home with a smile on your face and not a frown. Your work grumpiness can be left at your desk.
  19. Stress does not help so take it easy and go with the flow.
  20. Finally, be happy! That’s what life should be all about.

I don’t quite know where I’d reach this with this but here’s a solemn promise that I will try hard.

-Anup

The death of COMPASSION

You know what’s funny? Its the fact that I had to double check how I spelled the word compassion just to confirm if I got it right. Although it speaks volumes about my self-proclaimed understanding of the English language what alarms me more is the fact that I had to give it a thought and affirm with a search engine; the very essence that makes us human – to feel for one another. I feel its been ages since its gone. Now you see it in TV commercials and WhatsApp forwards where you try to show your children little clippings for re-enacted events of the past where people actually smiled where they had time for another man’s problems where we all just had more time for each other. Even if it were to cat fight and argue about some small little thing. What it meant was that we still cared. As human beings we acknowledged the presence of others in our lives and we felt for each other. It horrifies me when I think about events that I have been witness to over the past decade where compassion seems to be dead in totality. I am not someone pointing fingers or blaming time or people for this. Neither am I blaming god. This isn’t me just cribbing and playing the blame game. This is just me realizing how far we have come as beings of a futuristic bright world where everything is bright and gay.

I’m proud to have been born in the 80’s – those according to me were the golden ages where two paradigm shifting times met. The 50’s-60’s&70’s met the 90’s-to-date. We were bang in the middle and our childhood was so blissful. We had neighbors that cared and stray dogs that chased that cricket ball with you. We had a lot less diseases and that lone tree right in front of your house which served as your cricket stumps when playing with that lone other friend who thought it was alright to be out playing forever as far as he had you. Gone are the days when the TV was meant for the adults and the phone was a luxury that many would just ignore as they were content with just one phone in the neighborhood and all of them could get their messages there. Now a family of 4 has a minimum of 6 phones hiding their dark secrets from each other. We had communities; be it in school or at home. This ensured that we had people to look up to, we had people to perform for, we had people to play with and we had people to sit around and share a meal with. Now, we sit in different corners of a room and chew listlessly on food ordered from some place across some street meekly staring at a TV that never gets rest while that tiny new thing in our lives looks on at our face confused at what my folks are looking at on that very unreal thing when I’m right here with my pranks and smiles? Heh, I really have no answer for all these times when I seem to delve into a cloud of dark realization and self pity. There is always a catalyst I tell you and this time its something that’s deeply affecting me and what’s strange is that there is nothing I can do about it.

I won’t quite get into the detail of things but its just that there’s this incurable skin condition I have called “Lichen Planus” – you guys (those who come by) can google it up. Its an average to rare skin ailment stemming out of poor health reasons caused due to years of abuse to ones body. You don’t quite know this but you yourself dig a tiny little grave for your skin to rest in. All the good things you ate over the period of time where you left home and you thought you were invincible up until now decide to haunt you and they make a triumphant return in a re splendid fashion giving you sleeplessly itchy nights. No I don’t mean to gross you’ll out – its just that I never thought I’d be pushed into a corner like this. Heh, not that my life’s come to an end or something but I feel cornered suddenly as my life was moving along at a decent pace and had good momentum. I knew that there was this lingering issue but I never bothered too much and this was till I decided to take it up seriously and do my research. Seems glum.

Getting back to my point though. The above state of mind made me think back about where I came from and what my childhood was like, my culture, my people, my street, my childhood friends, my school and all those events which would never ever come back and which I cannot transfer as experience to my darling daughter. I could only wish for her to have gone to the kind of school I did. Since I spent 12 years there, it is only fitting for me to say that my school was what made me who I am; as a person. I am a decent human being. I have my flaws but don’t we all deal with different kinds of flaws at one point in time or another? I speak about that poor old beggar who sat in the corner next to the medical shop from where I caught my van to my Junior High and back and how it was that there was a small daily amount of Rs 2 that I could save considering that dad gave me 10 bucks to and from school and 10 bucks for food as need be. I did use up one of them on the one hour session at the cyber cafe and the other 10 had to be used for travelling. I am still left with Rs 2 that I would hope to save for 5 days so that it converts to 10 bucks which I could use for something else. However on my way back, my eyes would meet his and all I could do was give him the 2 bucks for that bite of food which kept him going. I wonder if kids these days would feel the way we did when we were small and tiny. Shruti spoke about how the security guard at my sisters building picked up a couple of 14 years old with pot/weed and how heart breaking it was to notice that a generation is dying while we all continue to chase our dreams.

Meh, COMPASSION? Nuff said.

-Anup

Musebox 31 – Year ending 2014

photo(1)The year is about to end and here’s wishing a grand good bye to 2014. As usual I am a day too late to come up with updates and no I am not here to give excuses because the year has been an excellent one considering that me and my partner in crime; Shruti have had our little devil grow into this beautiful little ball of joy that makes us laugh and cry at the same time. No, I’m not kidding about this. We never knew that a small little thing like her could hold us hostage. Ohh and tears! I am sure she can contract for water if she wanted to cause tears just flow so naturally and easily at her will. All this apart we have been blissfully lucky to have her with us and there isn’t a day that goes by where we don’t thank god for giving her to us. She’s the prettiest thing we have seen and she is and will be forever – the queen of our heart.

This year has zoomed through at the speed of light. Work has been hectic and as I explained above we have had someone who just sucks every desire in us to look at anything else but her and hell no, I say that with absolutely no remorse. Though there are times when it seems too much for us to take; one smile and it all goes away. More than me its her, Shruti, the mother – the life-giver. Here is where you as a man see how inconsequential you are. All you contribute towards that life seems so minuscule when you observe from so close as to what a mother gives to get you to be where you are. In the end all you end up wishing is not for your offspring to love, respect or be there for you. All you wish for is for that child to know her mothers worth and be there for her – forever because you would never have had the power to move a limb if it weren’t for her. So here’s saluting all the millions of mothers out there. What you do is never truly recognized and it is in one of these very weak moments where us men tend to say – hey, thank you. Thank you for everything.

Work has been killer this entire year and no its not because I’m doing a lot of things. Its this one project which has clung on to me like tar to road. Its so sticky that it just won’t let go and I’m sure that even when it supposedly gets over I’d have stains and I’ll still be stuck in one way or the other to the road and I’ll have tons of people drive all over me. See the reference there? I’ve made way for people to commute and I know that I’ll get stuck on that very way. I tried to be Euphemistic there but no, I just can’t get it sound any less grim. The fuckin’ project is such that the management doesn’t give a fuck, the users don’t give two fucks and it seems like its just the Project team that see how important it is. Meh, important you ask? Fuck that – we are scrubs who work for nothing more than money. There is no respect and I’ve been living like this for far too long but then its Ka-ching you know? However much you earn the lesser it seems. God damn it, stop being such a sucker for pity Anup. Tell them about all the real life awesomeness that you’re missing out on just cause you’d rather sit in front of the thing-that-shows-you-whats-not-real instead of picking up that kid and going to the garden. Smell that fresh air, you know? Ahhh, let me get to that in small simple pointers.

  • I live a dream most people can only dream of – I swear to god!
  • I don’t seem to see all the good that my life has studded all over the place.
  • My wife loves me too god damn much for my own good. I am 97 kgs and counting.
  • Weight loss is a journey that we both embark on every single day and fail at it twice on the same day at the least.
  • …continuing – we are like spiders. We never give up!
  • I live in a country where me and my family can be out on the street at any given point in time and not fear for our safety.
  • I drive a car that I could only have dreamed of; elsewhere.
  • I can jog a couple of miles if I still wanted to. Hope I see the good in this.
  • I got a total of 46 paid days off this year – WTF?

So yes, the above should stand testimony to the fact that I need to live each and every moment of life rather than cribbing about how much it could have been better. Of course it can be made better but no one else except me can work towards it because god knows and I do too that nature has given me everything that I need, I have all the tools to ensure that I grow old well. How I utilize this is left unto me and if I fail at it I have no one but me to blame. For now though, I seem to get crowded by thoughts and heavy words like “responsibilities” which is something every middle aged man goes through and these struggles are something you wade through to ensure that you see that sense of purposed which drives our lives. I am still running circles though with Shruti and Krisha right in the middle. They seem to bear up with my stupid bouts of anger, idiosyncrasies that I myself don’t understand and yes finally – all the luggage that I seem to carry. Ohh God, help me just shed the weight and feel light cause that’s what I want to feel. But then again, here we have another year of achievements and I am sure that I’ll win if I have these guys by my side. That’s it for now I guess.

<3 my lovelies. I know I talk a lot and don’t do much but I will try to get better. Hope you have faith in me and remember – patience is key with me!

-Anup

Where I am.

Where I am is at a place in time where all I see around is a shit ton of negativity. Minuses I throw at myself, procrastination for every thing; big or small, utter lack of life or excitement and an appalling amount of deep lethargy. Now, this is either a disease or just me but I’m not waiting to find out. I know that blogs have had their time and that they have come and gone. I know that the time now is to Vlog and be out there on YouTube. I am thinking on similar lines but I thought I should begin at a place which I have maintained for far too long. I thought I should promise my home on the web and try to stick by it. I need to get better and give it my best shot. I don’t quite know where it began and how to get rid of it but all I know is that I need to fight myself and my strong will to REST!

I weighed myself in yesterday after a visit to the doctor who I was visiting to complain about how tired I feel and about the spot sleeping. He wasn’t surprised by what was happening to me. At an outrageous 100 kgs – you cannot blame the body if it wants to rest. You do this to yourself. You cause your nose to shut down in the night and make noises that wake up the dead ffs. You cause deep sleep unrests not only for yourself but also your family and all of this comes down with not-so-uncommon diseases like sleep apnea. Now what I have seems like a mild case not the ones where you literally choke and die but the mild ones which ruins your sleep and makes you sleepy throughout the day. This in turn makes you lazy and lethargic and adds on to your difficulties. This is a vicious circle which will never end unless you put that foot forward and take a walk.

So, I’ll come by, probably every week; just to keep a tab of myself here on my blog. I may post pictures if I feel like it but for now, I am living in such self pity that I don’t quite feel like posting one. Maybe later? My kid brother who got better is my guide this time and I’m going to start slow. There are a few things I need to cut down on. I don’t think I want to get rid of them fully because I’d love to game as a hobby. All I need to do is say good bye to it from an addiction perspective. An addiction like this; I feel, is something I can help myself with. My daughter has already helped me a bit cause she just won’t let me be but I guess I need to shut down the rest and invest that time into something more constructive. I need to help out Shruti too because getting a life into this world can take its toll on your body and she needs my help. Lets see how things go. What I need for now is a solid set of songs to go along as I take the walk.

Stats for now:

Weight: 100 KG – need I say more for stats? Fuck this!

-Anup

The rat race!

Aren’t we all in one? From the time one is born to the day he dies; he is part of a never ending rat race. We have people who constantly win their races and are used to the rush it gives them. You then have those who are used to losing constantly and have given up on things and in the process are in a constant state of denial or hatred and then you have people like me who spend time loathing both these types of people and living a life dealing with the numerous intolerable experiences that have to be borne living in the company of people like these. You’d call me confused but in fact, I’m someone who is very clear about what disgusts me!

To all my corporate brethren – do we ever stop to think what we are giving up on in order to get that bit better than our peers? Did you know that you just lost a friend for life? He could have been that but then you desperately needed that promotion which was coming up next month or you thought no one else deserved that onsite position more than you or that you passed a self righteous judgment on his intentions and just about did everything else to make yourself seem like the most repulsive person out there. Why don’t you stop to think that this person could end up being more than just a co-worker (I hate the word colleague. I hate how it sounds and how it spells, pardon me!). But then again, once you are 30 and are in the cusp of being a middle man; a fucking small fish in a sea full of giant fish guzzling whales – you’d do anything to stay afloat I guess.

I come from a very different work culture where everyone was a friend; where we did compete but all was in good spirit and we all enjoyed each others success because the guy who got the most at the end of the month paid for the tea breaks! That was all that we needed to be happy. Ahhh, good old days when you were young and did not give a fuck. But then comes along the middle ages which confuses the crap out of the best of us. You don’t know if you are young or old. You are torn between saving up for your child and buying that new electronic goodie which beckons you with an enticing grin each time you pass by its window. Decision making ends up being the toughest activity of the day and its here when you notice that in the process of trying to outrun your friends you have all just gone different directions and given up on the simplest most precious pleasures of life – moments… moments of pure bliss.

I now live in a world where I see people competing every single day and it makes me sick. To the pit of my small intestine. Ok, there was some exaggeration thrown in there but you get where I’m coming from? Don’t get me wrong, I love to compete. I’m a gamer and I never give up. However, no hard feelings ehh? You compete with all honesty and be men and women about the fact that you may or may not be better than people you are up against. Be real enough to accept and move on. If someone is better than you and you genuinely known this – accept it and try to learn and help yourself rather than spending time in moping about where you are in life and trying to think about ways in which you could ensure that you steal some of their limelight. This for the poor ones left gaping behind. For those front runners – I really feel they should ensure that they don’t end up being cocky ass’ who use the good they have and add on some ass licking to it in order to gain something year on end but fail miserably nevertheless. When the time comes my friend you will get what you deserve. I don’t believe in fate but I do believe in Karma.

What pains me most about the rat race is the people you lose behind. I don’t mind the random nincompoops you meet on your way to your end. Its the few that you meet and instantly know that these are people who must stay in your life but you lose them nevertheless. These are the people who stick to your memories like episodes of nightmares which haunt you every now and then. In the rat race called life, lets take a moment to stop and admire what we have, who we have and what we are up against. Its a wave too huge for us to fight alone. Find someone to paddle with and things will be much more smoother. Find friends you can keep and more importantly, find friends who will keep you. Forgive mistakes and share your knowledge this will only make you better… in this rat race called life!

-Anup