I had these meandering thoughts in my head and I had to get it out. Sometimes the pain of losing love and someone you thought was very important is an abstract loveless feeling that cannot be explained. All you can do is live through it and endure it. A few rambling thoughts…

And here I am… again,
Thinking about a song…
But all I can think about is you;
Trying in vain to forget the bargain,
My tears for your joy,
Wasn’t that an easy thing for you to do?

How long do you think you can run?
From questions and my agony,
How much time do you have left with you?
It’ll dawn upon you someday,
You were everything to me…
To my eyes, you looked brighter than the sun.

You left my hands and you left my side,
When you promised so many times that you wouldnt;
All your lies and fakes smiles,
Isn’t it true that you loved it when I cried?
I was insane and I was mad
I just craved for your love; but you said you couldnt…

Mistakes were made and time was lost,
You went your way and left me alone;
Help me here! How do I fill the void?
What you have now has come to you at my cost.
Into me its spaces that you’ve sown,
Its my love that you’ve killed and I have died.

Then why is it that your ghosts haunt me?
Answer me now! Or else leave me in peace;
I can’t take this pain anymore, don’t you see?
Dreams of a fresh beginning; they seem blurry,
But without you in my head, I see them more cleary…
Call these to be my last words to you;
I will love you forever and there is nothing you can do…

Well now, thats just a fictional little story. Just something that came to my head sometime back and since we have regular power outages here, I just thought I’d type it in. I hope it entertains someone. I won’t lie; my life is beautiful!

Self conversations

Thoughtful me
Being thoughtful...

 I’m pretty sure that I’ve managed to keep this side of me blurry to the eyes of the very few people who can look into my life and examine the way I live it. I’ve always had long detailed discussions with myself and some of those conversations have led me to good times and some others have taken me closer to doom. Whatever the case be; what amazes me is the ease with which I discuss things with myself. Its sometimes as easy as discussing it with a close friend. I’d pretend that I’m someone else and I’m talking to Anup. I question him and review the things he has done and is doing. I expect him to answer and he feels obligated to answer those questions.

The subjects for these kinda discussions have been varied throughout the years and they’ve grown from “How am I supposed to tell mom that the teacher’s put in a red remark in my calendar?” and “Anu!! what have you done? You shouldn’t have used that word, you know that!! Bloody bastard is a very bad word *anger and fright drooping off of me* Sister is going to be mad if she gets to know” Sister here were the nuns at school who taught me. It went onto something more worldly when adolescence dawned. I’ve had times when I told myself, “What a woman!!!” *gazing and drooling at one of my first crushes who walked by in a wrap-around* and to the time when, “Dads going to kill me when he sets his eye on the marks card this time, probably I must escape off to Kerala for a month or two!!” This actually worked during my 12th standard results, hah! I then came down to the golden question, “These are all good people, I’d want to be friends with them! So, what next Anu?” And from there on, its just gotten more and more complex to finally its come to a point where I ask myself, “What the fuck is wrong with you?” and “Who are you?” Makes me sad that I do not like myself as much as I used to and somehow it seems to kill my want to meet people and extend my circle of people close to me.

I was talking to Abhi today and he said a few things which I’d agree to and some stuff thats pure genius and a few other things that were plain shit. Anyway, when it comes to Abhi, I take all that he says. Somehow, it comforts me when it comes from him cause he’s the creator of the Matrix and he must have hidden some kinda code somewhere which breaks the anamoly that I am. Snip:

Anup: Hmmm, you don’t seem to see my point 🙂
 Abhi: u r wrong my frnd
 Anup: What I’m saying is…
              I’m not a shy person as such and I interact with people pretty well.
             But I still don’t manage to connect, the way you would or uhm, Ajay would maybe.
              Even though he can be quite an ass.
Abhi: c i ll tell u wht
              u r a type of guy who thinks he is very polished, and y expect evry1 around u also 2 behave the same way
              whras v dont behave like tht
              u r just the normalppl
              sloppy ppl u can say
              and thts wht makes us approachable
              dunno if m ale to make u understand wht i mean
 Anup: Is it written on my forehead that I’m polished and I expect you to be polished?
 Abhi: well.. the way u behave
 Anup: What do I do man?
              I talk normal to everyone.
 Abhi: u just need 2 let go of ur inhibitions
             u try 2 judge ppl as soon as u get talking 2 thm, and thn if u dont like a person after the initial talk, u tend to ignore/avoid thm… stop judging               ppl…
              just go with the flow
Anup: Ahh, well thats correct.
Abhi: and it doesnt hurt 2 try and keep in touch with ppl evn if u r nt frnz
            1 sms/call once in a while makes u grow close 2 the ppl around
Anup: Yeah…
Abhi: and the ppl around feel good bout u

I always feel better after having spoken to him. He’s straight, to the point and doesn’t beat around the bush. He does exaggerate a bit, but thats ok; thats a part of him we all love! Confuses me a bit. I thought friends happened, but thats not something that seems to be coming my way and like Abhi said, these days, you have to “make” friends, approach people and keep in touch. Sitting in a room and expecting people to come to you just won’t work. Later, cribbing about how lonely, boring and pointless your life has become would just make you look like a fool. Alright, so here’s the deal – Anu, you’ve gotten over some really bad times and getting stuck with yourself now isn’t something you’d want to do. You really need to go on and explore what lies beyond your room. Considering HP to be a very professional workplace and assuming that making friends isn’t all that easy there, its time you pulled up your socks and interacted a bit more with people. Socializing is very important. Haven’t you learnt nothing from Barney?!

Chetan and Ajay come as my saviours and though there are very little grounds on which me and Ajay connect; the lucky thing is, we don’t argue a lot. Just enough to keep things alive and not more than whats required. He loves music and so do I. Plus a lot of other things which makes him the only person I can talk to and feel good about! He’s a very much “me” kinda person where he’d mostly prefer talking about himself and himself only. Now, I wouldn’t say thats much of a problem if you look at it from the brighter side of things, but well, sometimes I feel he needs to give others a chance! Ghek. Chetan and me have no areas of commanality. Our choices, when it comes to music, cloathes and everything else seems to go to opposite ends but we still find a lot to talk about and I totally enjoy his company. He’s one of the most funniest people I’ve met and times flies when he’s around. Ratheesh my earlier commorade has been lost ever since he fell in love and I feel for him! *sigh* you were a brave soldier mate.

Its Onam, on the 12th of September and I think I’m going to enjoy a wonderful treat at Radha aunty’s place. We got Kuttaps a new computer. We here implies that his dad payed and I decided the config. Man, that was fun. Ravi uncle’s face was flooding with dismay when I kept on adding things to the list on which he’d be billed. Come to think of it now, we got an awesome config for approximately 23 grands. Common, talk about awesome – AMD Athlon X2 2.4 Ghz, Asus Nvidia chipset MB, 2 GB RAM, 320 GB HDD, LD DVD combo and an awesome 19″ flatscreen LCD, Viewsonic. Seriously, it was an awesome deal and I’m totally happy about getting it for that price. Kuttapi is on cloud number 9, but he’s lame with security settings and hit himself on his toe as soon as he got the box cause he decided to make some security changes to a game he installed so that his sister wouldn’t access it and that resulted in he locking himself out instead, funny kid. Ahh, its late and I’m hoping to meet Chetan tomorrow cause its my weekly off and he’s working nights. I hope we get to catch up. The workshop is going good and I love being there. The only part that bothered me recently is that my fellow writers were completely oblivious to the power of blogging and public writing. Some were confused about copyrights and the others were worried about their work being stolen. Common guys?! Do you’ll really care? *sigh*


Pichle saat dinon mein…

I loved this song more when I actually saw them perform and when I saw it on a huge screen. Somehow, it was much more intense that way and especially since they did a little foreplay to the song before they started playing and thats when Farhan Akhtar involved the entire crowd. Not that it was something new that he did; but it was more about the way he did it.

To translate what the title says – (stuff that I’ve lost) Over the last seven days. I haven’t been writing much and that doesn’t necassarily mean that I haven’t done much since I last wrote. I don’t feel the need to blog about everything I do these days. Now, I don’t know if thats a good thing, but I like it this way. This entry isn’t dedicated to anything in particular. I just had a few episodes to write about. Also, talk about the movies I’ve watched over the last seven days. Hmm, film critics get paid very well; I’ve heard. Columnists who write about how pathetic a movie was gets paid well too (mostly from rival directors and producers) I dunno, might as well get into junk if I wish to make some more money. But then, I’d have to sell my soul – who cares?

So I watched Mumbai meri Jaan on Wednesday with Chetan and I must say that movie was very well made. It was simple and to the point and it conveyed a lot of complex human emotions wrapped up neatly in 5 to 6 odd lives that were put on display. Paresh Rawal and his junior acted well also I loved Kay Kay Menon’s work. He doesn’t look much of a Menon to me though. But he’s awesome! So I guess that certifies him being a Menon ehh? Soha Ali khan was cute but her dialogue delivery and her sad-scene sucked. She just can’t cry now, can she? Maddy was a showpiece and I’d like to forget that part. I like the guy, you know? The rest as all put into place very well and a perfectly little story emerged. Watching it with Chetan added to the fun and luckily the crowd was smaller cause it wasn’t a weekend. I then watched the movie Phoonk (at home) and late in the night. I thought it’d scare me, but I couldn’t believe me eyes!! RGV – you suck. Whats with the whole black magic shit? I mean, seriously? Horror; I understand, but “Kala Jadoo” please no! Guess he should have titled it “Kala jadoo aur boodhi dadi maa” well she was running around all over the place, “tumko dikhta nahi… yeh kala jadoo hai, ram ram!!” and the hero looks at her like, “What the fuck mom? Did you get high on your pills?” The little girl has tried to act well with whatever she got, but then common RGV is really getting into the league of bad movies these days and here goes another one! I guess he’d be thinking, “gayi bhais paani mein” *sigh* the funniest scene of the movie was when the hero and his accomplice reach this super cool baba! Dialogue:

Baba: (Looking at the hero using a leprostic look) Tumhari bitiyan takleef mein hai… tumhari beti!
Friend: (Shocked from his spine and ready to cry) Aa..Aapko kaise maloom?
Baba: (Smileless smile on his face) Ghatiya sawal mat pooch!!!! (anger in his voice now and thinking to himself; abe, meine script padhi hai, bas kya?)

Hahahaha!! Why O’ why did RGV decide to do this to himself? Sir, if you continue to make moves like this, I’d have to believe that someone has control on your brain and is manipulating you using Voodoo and black magic. What an abysmal display of an otherwise very engorssing subject – Black Magic!

Finally, I watched Rock on! Ajay booked the tickets and I met a sleepy Chetan, a jumpy Ritesh, a usual Ajay and a white Vinay around 9:50 in the basement of Sigma mall. Guess what? Thats where they distribute tickets for the movies which is on the top floor. Do you see what I see here? I wonder what they were thinking when they made this arrangement. Anyway, we finally settled down to watch the movie at around 10:15. Yes, thats right the movie started 30 minutes late and there was a huge crowd out of the cinema hall which nearly choked me. The movie was good. I wouldn’t say its one of the best movies I’ve watched, but it was nice! I liked Farhan Akhtar’s acting and I loved the song – Pichle saat dinon mein. Apart from that the overall music given to the movie was good and the only problem I thought was the part where they stretched the movie a bit. They could have made it shorter and sweeter. So, I’d give this a 7/10. Phoonk gets a 2/10 and Mumbai meri jaan gets an 8.
Coming down to the final and most important thing that happened to me over the last few days. I met a few very talented writers and I was thrilled to be in their midst! Yes, I did sign up for a workshop on creative writing and the first 9 hours with Mr. Vijay Nair and the other guys who came there, my batchmates that is, was fulfilling and I look forward to the coming weeks. Minus of course the session on Shakespear which I really couldn’t enjoy and that I’d say is my personal little problem and I was happy cause the others enjoyed it. The lady who spoke about it was an awesome public speaker and her command over the English language was worth my awe! Also, her vocabulary was way out of my reach and I sometimes found myself running around trying to find a dictionary; but she spoke too fast anyway! I do not have much to talk about it as of now cause it was just one day and I’m sure I’ll discover more as and when I experience more of the workshop and the people. I wrote a few short articles and I felt very good when I read it out later to the class. Also, not to forget the entire class was well spoken and I really needed to meet people like these. More in next.


Basking in glorious boredom.

Now isn’t that an irony worth applauding? Glorious boredom? You’d ask with a lot of questions in your head spinning you off into a world of webs of dilemma’s. That sounds like a labyrinth of weeded mazes and sometimes I don’t see light anywhere. But, the thing is, I’m somehow warm, cozy and comfortable within all of this. Even though these may seem like a delicate situation to many where your life has no meaning and its not heading on a fixed path; assuming of course that the human karma’s keep on driving him/her to find that path and finally attain Nirvana. One way or the other you have to come to an end and before you do you’d want to think of yourself as someone who followed a good path into light. I thought I had found that path and was happy that I was moving along life’s waves without needing to fight against them. Guess I got it all wrong. One way or the other there would come a day like this where I’d need to swim against the tide and come to think of it – SWIM! Swim with all my might especially since I don’t know swimming. I’m sure though that I’ve learnt how to swim and I’ve managed to keep myself afloat. I now need a plan to move forward, fight waves and tides and somehow, I feel I’d need someone with me cause I’m no good alone.

Usually, when people get bored or they are living a frame of time where they have absolutely nothing to do – they’d just find something to think of or do. Most of us manage to pass this time without having to try to hard. Mostly because almost all our lives have become a mechanically run human machine where we live to work rather than work to live. So when people like this find themselves in a spot where they have nothing to do, that calls only for two feelings. Either this could meet ultimate joy where they’d go on to indulge and over-indulge in activities they’ve always wanted to do and/or the other feeling where they don’t know what to do, they’re lost and they don’t know where to begin and what it is that they’d be good at next. Mostly such people would think a lot about what it is that they’re doing with the time they then own. Which is probably why it dissolves the very essence of dead-air in their lives which I feel is very essential. It might lead to a few hours, days or months of boredom but trust me, you need this. I’ve been living on the equator of both these feelings and whoa! the heat is at its peak where I am.

I try to do things I like, but somehow I don’t enjoy any of them. For example, I try to listen to some music and I’d get bored of it very soon. I’d pick up a book and try to read whats written. What happens next is something that totally destroys me. Reading words and not understanding them; not being able to drink it with all its taste and feed it to my word hungry brain, sigh, its a clumsy feeling. I’ve loved reading books since ever but somehow, these days books just don’t appeal to me. Especially since I read Love Story – Erich Segal. Thats when I actually learnt that I seem to have a dead heart. She had given the book to me a long time ago and the funny thing is, she asked me to never read it cause she lost her first love after he read that book. I was scared and thus I never actually read the book. Now after I’ve read it, I just feel so sick. I’m disturbed about the way I feel for love and people. I’m scared sometimes that the cloud of gloominess hanging overhead would turn me into someone I don’t want to be. I love being a helpless romantic and I wouldn’t want to change for anyone or anything. Ohhh, I still am a romantic and even though it may sound girly I totally love the idea of being in love and sharing myself with someone and enjoying her half in return. The whole thought still makes me giggle (luckily!)

I tried my hand at getting certified (CCNA) and all I could do was attend classes worth 11 grands and that was just about it. I couldn’t collect enough energy to go answer its test and get the certificate which would be very helpful for my career. I then tried my hand at music – the guitar to be specific and this was in unison with Chetan and Ajay. They went onto complete the first module and Ajay can already play the guitar very well (taking into consideration his natural inclination towards music and sticking with it over the past 10 years) and Chetan can play a bit too. I chickened out like a little bitch cause I somehow couldn’t do what I thought would be easy. Like Ajay said this wasn’t easy and it took a lot of practice and patience. Patience is something I don’t quite have and I’ve been trying to meditate to bring some into me. Anyway, thats alright; like I said, I did not want to be naive at anything. I’m ok where I stand and I’m more than happy to enjoy the music Ajay makes and trust me when I say that I’d write lyrics to the music he makes one fine day. I’m sure that will happen. I recently had this fantasy of attending some tutoring on creative writing and I’m looking forward to getting some information about coaching in Bangalore. Let me see where that takes me.

Sometimes, I feel like I need to escape! Run away someplace where its green all around and I’m living in the wild. But hey! I need to have like loads of money with me to buy all the food I need. I’d surely like to live like Chris McCandless in the movie “Into the wild” but with real time food, you know? I don’t think I can live off fresh meat and weird herbs. Guess thats what killed him in the end. I wouldn’t mind a couple of aliens running around too. They could teach me some of their new age technology and probably take me for a spin in their cool shuttle. You know that kinda stuff works, right? Aliens and UFO’s always seem to show up at scarcely populated areas. So, I’m thinking, Scotland or Ireland maybe. Riding a horse is something I’ve always wanted to do! That’d be fun, but I worry about how bad it’d be for my groin! So, yeah, I know I think of weird things all the time. I’d blame the movies I watch for the way I dream. I’ve been watching a lot of movies off late and I feel proud about how hard I’ve been raping Airtel. Working from home has been an amazing experience but I don’t think I’ll do it very often. It kinda cuts you off people and the loneliness then starts eating on you. I; luckily, have been doing just fine. I’m happy that I finally managed to write this. Its been eating me from my insides over the last couple of days. I hope to attend those classes on creative writing. I love writing!


61 years of freedom, really?

Independance day
Mera Bharat mahan.

I don’t want to sound cynical here but come to think of it are we are really free from the so called “Gora raaj”? The white mans rule on us coloured people, is it really over? Well it never has and it never will. We have always been under the western rule. Earlier it was forced upon us and they captured our land and stole our wealth. But now, its sad that we are slowly moving towards their culture trying more and more to westernize or if thats not what you’d refer to it, lets call it globalization. The world turning into one? Bullshit. We have always been a gullible little pup to their pomp and glory and have always tried to adopt their ways of life. I’m probably just speculating all this and what I feel can be ignored, but then for how long? Lets continue living in the shadows of our ancestors – they were brave.

Anyway, I did not intend on writing a cliched post but then I felt the urge and when I feel like typing, I’d better get it out cause else it sits on my head, grows so heavy on me that I lose sleep and I have to be ready for work tomorrow. I’ve been feeling so very lazy. I don’t like this part of me. The part of me who’d just want to sit at home, enjoy the drizzle, get a cuppa tea and relax. Makes me feel bogged down and bored of life. I don’t want that feeling to sink it cause then it just makes me sad! And I decided to write to get over the Nostalgia. Yes, 15th August always reminds me of my school days.

I’m proud of being a K.B convent product and that I’ve studied there without interruptions for 12 years. I’ve known from my peers, classmates and people I know that most of them tend to skip schools. But in my case, I’ve been very lucky and I was a part of the most awesome school ever. Independance day celebrations used to bring out a lot of colourful things in our school. Sports, concerts and others amongst the charade of things that were done during that week. Practise sessions used to be the most fun part where we’d get to miss classes if we were part of one of the plays, skits or songs being enacted. Ohh and the others who don’t take part in stuff like this get to wear colourful clothes and hold flags and run around school corridors the whole day without having to keep our hands folded behind our backs and thats like the one day where we don’t need to form a file when we walk. Its happiness all around. Teachers look prettier on that day and they seem to be extra nice to us too. We sing songs, get sweets and then we have the friends hangout time which used to be awesome too! Ghosh… I miss school. Mostly because I used to have loads of friends there and I was a comic so I’d get quite a lot of attention. Thats when I realize how drab my life has become. I miss my school mates and I miss them all the time. They were going to meet up today, dunno what happened of that.

I’ve got to get onto a 12 hr shift from 6 AM in the morning tomorrow and I’m not at all thrilled about it. So I’m just going to finish this off and here’s wishing all my fellow Indians a happy Independance day and lets just try harder to reach where we intended to go rather than following someone else’s culture blindly. Enjoy their ways, but stick to our own is what I’d say. Bharat mata ki jai!!!


Chetan ko gussa kyu ata hai?

Hahahahaha!!! I laughed like a crazy guy from the time I dropped Chetan at M.G road to the time I reached home and then some more before I finally dozed off into blissful happy sleep. Thanks Chetan. You are funny. So, I’ll answer the question in some time. For those who don’t know hindi, here’s the transliteration: What makes Chetan angry? In our case it includes when and why. Hindi can imply a lot of things and thats why its the language we prefer amongst friends. Best to fuck up your brains with. Uhm, before I get onto the peach, I’ll add in some tuti fruity. Quick, gather around… pep talk!

My thoughts about two movies I watched over the weekend:

The MummyTomb of the Dragon Emperor: Sucked to shreds when compared to the other two mummy counterparts. I mean, I really missed those Egyptian mummies which seemed so much more capable of wrecking havoc and smelling bad. Chinese tombs, shape shifting “Dragon” Emperor. The word Dragon is used a bit too much and I’m tired of cliches. I like Jet-Li though and some part of all their hilarious action was good. Seriously, the scene of war was funny. These weird funny ass dead skeletonized creatures running around with parts of their skeleton falling off once in a while and their commarades helping them with those parts. Crazy as hell.

The Dark Knight: More than 2 hrs of wasted time, I’d say. Not my kinda movie. Chetan was kinda excited after the movie. I wonder why. Probably he likes bats!? The Batman here looked hunky but gay. I hated the lead actress and I found her face to be a little out of shape. Mr. Clown was the only bright side to this movie. His acting was outstanding and his facial expressions and all the comments he threw in here and there were sadistically funny and yeah, that was just about it. We did not get to see a lot of batman-type gadgets. The ones that were shown were pretty cool but a few more of them would have been nice. It was a long movie and I really could have done without watching this one. Especially not worth the 200 bucks I spent. Ohh and add to it the 200 odd on rickshaws!

That being said – Saturday was fun. we went to M.G road after the movie. We here – Ratheesh, Chetan and I. Chetan wanted to look up some classes on VMWare, or did he? *winks* we did everything else but that after going there. Roamed around, some shopping here and there and ohhh the most fun part; bowling!! We went bowling at Ameoba and it was awesome. I enjoyed every minute I bowled and finally I also got to kick Chetans ass at bowling. Ameoba seems like a fun place and it wasn’t too expensive either. 10 rounds for Rs 150. So for like Rs 300 we’d get to bowl for like 30 minutes approximately which seemed good enough and I love the sport.

Fumy Chetan

Coming to the fun part – Chetan ko gussa kyu ata hai? So this happened while were returning from the batman movie. Now Chetan and me have varied tastes for almost everything. Food, clothes and movies too! So, yeah, I liked this shiny black blazer that was being displayed in one of the shops there and I said, ohh I like that! Here Chetan began with a cross telling me how my choice wasn’t all that good. And what I thought was that as usual, he was in for a word fight so I begin counter attacking him and telling him how weird his choice of clothes were! Within 5 minutes Chetan fumbles and stumbles with rage and anger pouring through his eyes, nose and mouth and he blabbers some shit which I’m sure I don’t remember and neither would he, but he looked hilarious. Instead of getting angry all I got was a funny feeling in my stomach – SUCCESS! Hahaha, I managed to piss him off. I learnt something here – Chetan isn’t a kinda guy who’d get angry easily. He’s a chilled out person 99% of the times and he’s a very funny charecter who’d make a joke out of everything. So what hurts a person most is if you poke on their choices and what they side for. Thats where it pains easily. Quite a weapon. Chetan is a sweet guy though, he managed to apologize with like 8 minutes flat of being rude to me and all I could do was giggle. For the first time, my ego did NOT kick in and I’m happy that I’m in the company of really good people who do not mind apologizing. Chetan, you rock re, no hard feelings whatsoever.


Crumbs of me.

I don’t know why, but I suddenly felt like typing out a few things about me. It may or may not interest the mass but then, these are good to know things about me:

  • I WAS fat. You can’t call me that anymore. I know; I sound like I’m trying to justify to someone, but thats not the case.
  • I love the colors blue and black.
  • I don’t like wearing formal clothes.
  • I’d most usually be seen in a pair of jeans, a t shirt with a pullover/coat/jacket or a shirt.
  • I am particularly picky about clothes and shoes and I base my first assumptions on people just based on their footwear.
  • Speaking of which, girls who’d wear floaters with a pair of white socks; I find them very appealing.
  • I love egg biryani but on a regular diet I’d like more of my kinda south Indian food to be in the menu.
  • That being said, I can’t eat outside everyday and I prefer to not eat and live off of fruits (these days) rather than eating out.
  • Discrediting those who have accused me of being a foodie, I’d like to clarify that I eat to live and not vice versa.
  • I depend on my glasses to be able to see the world. I’m nearly blind without them.
  • I am not attracted to shiny objects, but yes, I like gold. I like the rich feeling.
  • I love spending money. Money that I have and money that I don’t have.
  • I have very few friends and I try my level best to keep them around me.
  • I dislike the mob. I dislike anything thats hyped up; for example F.R.I.E.N.D.S! Common guys, for the love of god! Get over it, will you?
  • I was for a short span of time in love with the vague idea of being in love but I think I’m managing to crawl out of it now.
  • I have been in love and I don’t feel sorry for myself. I’ve loved with all my heart and love has been special.
  • I tend to over think and I’m still trying to lead myself out of the sinkhole I’ve thrown myself into.
  • I tend to live in a constant state of denial where I know that X is right, but I am not X. I cannot take this and I try to reason.
  • I don’t fully understand why, but sometimes, I don’t like my awesome car.
  • I love music and I can’t live without it.
  • I am single, not too quick with witty jokes and I do not drink or smoke. Overall, I’m one of those boring kinds or so you’d want to say.
  • I’m a movie buff and I can watch almost everything that I download and everything thats showing in PVR.
  • My current denials: Bangalore isn’t a bad place to be; I am happy; I am not in love with her; I have friends.
  • My stress busters – Barney, Robin, Ted, Lily and Marshall.
  • My most prized asset: My sister. I don’t think I have told anyone or even her, but she’s something I’d never give up on.
  • My idol: Dad (However big a pain you be!)

Well, thats all that I can think of for now and its time to hit the sack. We’ve planned to go to watch “The Mummy 3” tomorrow and duh!~ Vinay has booked tickets for the 10 AM show. Thats good somehow. Good for me cause I won’t sleep much anyway, I know. I fought with mom today for no apparent reason and she hung up on me. Damn! What is it with me and women? Why do all of them like to bang the phone on my face? Except for Sneha of course and thats why I love her so god damn much. She’s patient with me and she talks to me like I’m some kinda awesome guy. Thanks a lot. Nawwww, no! I’m not being extra good cause its Raksha Bandhan *winks* I really love you!


Food for thought.

I’ve had a lot of things popping in and out of my mind over the past few days. Most usually they were questions that I’ve always asked myself and never found answers for. Its weird, you sometimes feel you know a lot about yourself but then lets just “try” to be fair here. How many of us know what we really want? Ohhh and how many of us know what’s right and wrong? Have you been able to answer all those questions you’ve had inside you? Have you done something that’d haunt you forever? How long do you think you can run? So you wake up in the morning and if looking at the mirror is the first thing you do (which is weird somehow cause that’s when you’d look your worst for the entire day but somehow I’m sure a lot of us manage to do this) and when you look at yourself in the mirror – what is it that you feel first? Joy, sorrow, pain, frustration, loneliness or is it that empty feeling? Man, the empty feeling sucks! That’s when you have nothing special going on in your life, nothing special in you and you’re nothing but a scraped up half of a coconut. Hmmm, what remains is its shell which can then be burnt. So finally what huh? You just get burnt for fuel and energy and you leave behind nothing? Worries me once in a while, you know? All these questions and more which keep torturing me for no apparent reason and funny thing is, they pop out of nowhere! Any of you guys ever felt pointless? Its worse than dying.

So I earn a lot of money and I send loads of it home and I keep my mom and sister happy. So where did my dad go then? Well, somehow, he’s not all about success and money. He expected more out of me, or so he’d say with a certain amount of contempt for my success which would then shatter my bubble of pure prudence when it comes to me and the way I handle things. That’s when I begin questioning myself and thinking about things I don’t need to worry about. Not anymore for sure. Mostly because I’ve crossed the threshold of bookish dependency and I’ve stepped into a world of power, money and ultimate brain power. I seriously don’t want to be answering anyone (ANYONE!!!) about how I’ve lived my life and about what I’m doing with it and will do with it. It’s my own affair and I guess I can deal with it… the way I have done so far. So don’t come into my thoughts just to ruin my wonderful streak! I’m living a blissful life, what more do you want? I know I did not become an engineer and that’s what you wanted me to be. I know I ended up falling in love for a girl who wasn’t a Hindu/Malayali and that she did not fulfill a lot of your requirements to enter our household. I know about how you feel. But common, I’ve been a very good son otherwise, haven’t I? I have never given you reasons to dislike me and I haven’t ever given you a chance to feel sorry about me and for me. I guess I’ve done better than a lot of people you spoke to me about initially during my days of slump and I guess I’ve overrun every obstacle in my way. I’m flaunting a career most people can’t even dream of and I’ve made valuable contributions to the family. Don’t I deserve to be treated with more love and respect? And if that’s too much for me to ask off you, then let’s just talk about acceptance. Can’t you just accept me the way I am? This is the way I am. You can’t change me. Hell! I can’t change myself. I do silly things all the time. I’ve been called psychotic for the way I’ve been when it comes to my emotions and I’m still trying to deal with it. I did tell you about all my problems and each and every time I told you about it, you’d just end up taking the back seat instead of helping me out. So instead of taking to me, you’d just talk about it to my sister and mother, right? Just keep on telling them about how bad a son I am? How does that make you feel good? Please, for loves sake. I’m just a normal guy who couldn’t do much with books but trust me, I’m better than almost all of your so said epitomes of success and educational harmony! I’m me and I’m happy that I’m NOT an Engineer because I never wanted to be one! *sigh*

Another thing that I’ve always worried about is the part where I was condemned and left alone because I loved someone way too much. People fall in love, right? And sometimes in love, when they feel that the person they love is someone they can’t live without; they might go that extra mile to protect that special feeling and that special person from going away. A précis of the story that I’m referring to:

I meet a girl and I fall in love. She gives me everything I want and more and totally rocks my world. Slowly, she starts revealing her true colors. Information about herself she had been keeping unto herself for some godforsaken reason I’d say. I realize that something isn’t right and I panic. I question her about the numerous things she does to upset me. She does everything in her power to disrupt my otherwise sane life. She does everything she can to traumatize me and she makes me cry. A guy wouldn’t appreciate that, you know? A girl making him cry all the time? No! I don’t feel like a sissy when I say that. Love does that to you, you know? It makes you good. It makes you very good. A certain amount of sweetness is bestowed upon you. Beauty added to even the ugliest person in love! I find out about her and someone I thought I trusted to be my friend. I threaten her that I’d kill myself (psychotic, I know) but… she put me there. Why? So you call me a psycho or a stupid eccentric maybe. I am just what you made out of me. The looks you gave him; you knew you couldn’t even give those to me, so why drag me into a world so untrue to begin with? Why put me in such a lot of pain?

Well, those are the two most annoying questions in my mind right now and sometimes it just bums me off. I’m not tired of winning over them though. Cause each time I find myself losing a battle against these dark ones, I immediately switch Barney on! He takes all these questions off my head and he’d then drag me into a world where he’d say this, “One of the 24 similarities between girls and fish is that they are both attracted to shiny objects” now most of you’ll would wonder about what’s so funny? Guess I’m mad or maybe I’m just plain awesome. So, yeah, I live on his law now – the law of awesomeness. If you don’t know it, I repeat – “Whenever I feel sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True story”

Moving on, I’m in love with the new album from Coldplay and my current play list has only this album in it. I keep repeating my tracks till the time I get something else that I like. So, I’m sure this one’s here to stay for a while. Man, I totally love this song called Lovers in Japan-Reign of love and Viva La Vida! Awesome tracks. Sneha’s job is going great guns and she is super happy! Everything’s good at home. Abhi’s doing ok in Denmark. Not too good cause he can’t shit too well due to the lack of water in their toilets. Toilet paper? Geez! Unwashed shit in your ass… duh! HELL NO. Smikh’s been gone after Friendships day. She’s a special friend too, you know? She loves going off like that and now we’d have no clue of where she is. Funny ways of people. Muiz is doing well from what I last heard of him. Well, yeah, and I’m doing great! The weekends here for me and I feel good. I thought I told Abhi that I was motivated enough to write the section on “People” that I so very want to have now since I removed the section on Movie reviews (kinda got lame later on) but then I wrote this huge piece of shit and now I don’t feel like working my fingers out anymore. Over the weekend I will; for sure! Guess that’s it.


Friendships day.

So need I say more? I’m sure the pictures talk for themselves. The very essence of this post is in these pictures. I’m sure that people who know me might know who the people in those pictures are. I don’t want to demarcate those people into categories not am I going to prioritize them here. I’m just going to randomly type in names of people who make it to my list of friends and people I consider as friends. Some of these names do not appear in the pictures above but thats just because I couldn’t find a good picture. And yes, I’ve made a pyramid of my friends as well since thats how the world does it, you know? Top two, then the next 3 and then friends to follow. Some shit like that. I used to never recognize this before but recent events have forced me to categorize people and it hurts me. Coming back to names: Sneha, Shagufta, Abhi, Muiz, Smikh, Ajay, Chetan, Nikhil, Ratheesh, Hemant, Nids, Annie, Mank, Sanket, Sonu, Vishu, Vivek, Pramod, Prab, Unni. Uhm, good enough? Yeah.

Friendships day just went by and thats what inspired me to work on this collage and type in some eblish about my friends. These are all important people, you know? Some gentle and kind, some shrewd and wicked, some more hidden and deep, the others loving and caring and those very few plain ruthless ones too! I have them all in my list and I feel super cool about it. Friendship has always been a conundrum for me. I’ve never been able to make friends as quickly as Abhi would or Sneha would maybe; mostly if she could. She’s pretty tied up and the poor thing can’t move a lot. Luckily, she now has a job and I’m happy that she’d get to move around and meet some people. I couldn’t stand her cage anymore and I was praying hard. I did find most of my friends at Convergys and I’d be ever thankful to that place for almost everything in my life right now. I’ve already conveyed this across to all my friends, but I repeat; Guys, thanks a lot for being there and sharing your smiles and listening to what I had to say. I’m sorry for being boring whenever I was, but I’m a nice guy, you know? I’m sure you know and thats the reason I still continue to exist in your glorious world. Thank you once again for every step that you’ve taken with me. Love you’ll!

Apart from this, the weekend went by and it was neat. Coincidentally, it was Smikh’s birthday on the 3rd of August (friendships day) and somehow I find it very fascinating cause she’s been like this epitome of love and friendship for me. A symbol of companionship. There are no reasons why, its just been like that. The day passed by without a lot of fuss about it and I think I was peaceful that day. Saturday was funny though. We went shopping; Chetan and I. The monsoon sale is on throughout the malls in Bangalore and we were sweeping M.G.Road for some random cheap stuff. The only pair of jeans I liked wasn’t on sale and it was a Levis, 2,500 bucks. I liked it a lot and I wanted to buy it but did not want to spend all that money. The sales guy kept pestering me and I thought I’d buy it so I asked him to go get the measuring tape to alter its length. Thats when I told Chetan that I did not want to spend the money then and the both of us ran away from there! Man, that was really fun. Chetan is funny and his jokes (however lame they be) are cracked with a certain amount of ease and charm which is sure to make you giggle! I enjoy his company a lot. Thats just about it. Running a new month and keeping myself fit, hale and hearty. Life’s owning me right now. Peace out.


Abhi’s engagement!

Well, here it is! The big man is finally tied up to a tree thats rooted to an eternal damnation in hell. Sometimes I think; how can someone as magnificent as him ever be tied up? Then I remember and I acknowledge the power of aphrodite! She can have anything and everything she wants. The power of WOMAN, hail for thou.

So, yeah, thats the deal. Abhijit got engaged on the 28th’s and I witnessed it along with his many many friends who were very few according to him because he could not invite them all. That would probably highlight the fact that he has tens of thousands of friends or so he likes to illustrate his popularity. We can keep it like that cause Mr. Shedge is a popular guy. His to-be-wife though, from whatever appeared of her seems like a quiet, shy maharashtrian girl who’d make awesome wife. That of course is my initial hypothesis. The story is yet to unfold.

Grown up us!
Grown up us!

The engagement was grand. I actually expected something different but was pleasantly surprised to see that it was pompous and very well managed. I loved some part of the food and I must say that the mung ka halwa was outstanding. I wanted to have more but then I did not want my blazer to go tight on me! Haha, funny story that! I got myself a new blazer and a pair of woodland shoes for his engagement. Feel good factor added to it. I felt awesome overall. Being there with him on an important day. Sharing those moments with his friends and family. Quite an honour O’ creator of the matrix! We now have an oracle in our midst and we must bow to her. Her name is Bhagyashree and she’s a sweet girl with an adorable smile *touch wood* Almost everyone important attended the ceremony. Namely, the Bangalore gang – Me, Ajay and Chetan and then we had close friends from CVG – Rashmi, Smikh, Anoop and then the others of his batch. So overall, the whole function was a grand success.

Nothing special apart from this happened except for my sister getting herself a laptop which is a cool thing cause now I can talk to her online once in a while and that’d surely help me, you know? I returned early the next morning with Ajay and Chetan; back to Bangalore. They cursed Bangalore throughout the way and well, I’ve made up my mind now – people would have tons of opinions and they have their own choices and likings. I am no one to change it and I should not comment when they vent out their frustration. If they hate this place, they do! Should that bother me? No. So, I must shut up when stuff like that happens again. I really shouldn’t care. So I’m back and I’m sick! What I need now is rest and I’m happy that I’m getting it.

To end this, I have something to say to my former paramour. Listen to me carefully girl! Now I’m not sure you’d read off this page cause from whatever it is that I know of you, I know you’d not return to any aspects of my life. But somehow, I felt like typing this in here, just in case you read. So, I had to tell you just one simple thing. Keep the fuck off our lives! Did you hear me or should I repeat? Ohhh, I nearly forgot, you don’t have a mother tongue. Hindi mein bolu? To fir theek hai, waise bhi bol deta hu – Mujhse aur mere dosth logon se door reh. Here, I mean, keep your mouth shut about any of us. Cause we don’t talk about you. So, here’s a fair chance for you to shut the fuck up and sit uptight. The next time I hear you bad mouthing any of my friends and trust me, things reach us… I’d bust the bubble you’ve made for yourself without thinking twice. And yes, thats a warning. The next time, I won’t save your ass! I’d let those concerned to deal with you and your ignorance. I repeat – it’d be best for you if you just forget us. Live and let live. I expect no further comments from you about someone else’s sexual orientation. Not that your opinions matter, but then you bad mouth again and I’m going to deal with it myself. So, SHUT THE FUCK UP when it comes to us, kapiche?