The death of COMPASSION

You know what’s funny? Its the fact that I had to double check how I spelled the word compassion just to confirm if I got it right. Although it speaks volumes about my self-proclaimed understanding of the English language what alarms me more is the fact that I had to give it a thought and affirm with a search engine; the very essence that makes us human – to feel for one another. I feel its been ages since its gone. Now you see it in TV commercials and WhatsApp forwards where you try to show your children little clippings for re-enacted events of the past where people actually smiled where they had time for another man’s problems where we all just had more time for each other. Even if it were to cat fight and argue about some small little thing. What it meant was that we still cared. As human beings we acknowledged the presence of others in our lives and we felt for each other. It horrifies me when I think about events that I have been witness to over the past decade where compassion seems to be dead in totality. I am not someone pointing fingers or blaming time or people for this. Neither am I blaming god. This isn’t me just cribbing and playing the blame game. This is just me realizing how far we have come as beings of a futuristic bright world where everything is bright and gay.

I’m proud to have been born in the 80’s – those according to me were the golden ages where two paradigm shifting times met. The 50’s-60’s&70’s met the 90’s-to-date. We were bang in the middle and our childhood was so blissful. We had neighbors that cared and stray dogs that chased that cricket ball with you. We had a lot less diseases and that lone tree right in front of your house which served as your cricket stumps when playing with that lone other friend who thought it was alright to be out playing forever as far as he had you. Gone are the days when the TV was meant for the adults and the phone was a luxury that many would just ignore as they were content with just one phone in the neighborhood and all of them could get their messages there. Now a family of 4 has a minimum of 6 phones hiding their dark secrets from each other. We had communities; be it in school or at home. This ensured that we had people to look up to, we had people to perform for, we had people to play with and we had people to sit around and share a meal with. Now, we sit in different corners of a room and chew listlessly on food ordered from some place across some street meekly staring at a TV that never gets rest while that tiny new thing in our lives looks on at our face confused at what my folks are looking at on that very unreal thing when I’m right here with my pranks and smiles? Heh, I really have no answer for all these times when I seem to delve into a cloud of dark realization and self pity. There is always a catalyst I tell you and this time its something that’s deeply affecting me and what’s strange is that there is nothing I can do about it.

I won’t quite get into the detail of things but its just that there’s this incurable skin condition I have called “Lichen Planus” – you guys (those who come by) can google it up. Its an average to rare skin ailment stemming out of poor health reasons caused due to years of abuse to ones body. You don’t quite know this but you yourself dig a tiny little grave for your skin to rest in. All the good things you ate over the period of time where you left home and you thought you were invincible up until now decide to haunt you and they make a triumphant return in a re splendid fashion giving you sleeplessly itchy nights. No I don’t mean to gross you’ll out – its just that I never thought I’d be pushed into a corner like this. Heh, not that my life’s come to an end or something but I feel cornered suddenly as my life was moving along at a decent pace and had good momentum. I knew that there was this lingering issue but I never bothered too much and this was till I decided to take it up seriously and do my research. Seems glum.

Getting back to my point though. The above state of mind made me think back about where I came from and what my childhood was like, my culture, my people, my street, my childhood friends, my school and all those events which would never ever come back and which I cannot transfer as experience to my darling daughter. I could only wish for her to have gone to the kind of school I did. Since I spent 12 years there, it is only fitting for me to say that my school was what made me who I am; as a person. I am a decent human being. I have my flaws but don’t we all deal with different kinds of flaws at one point in time or another? I speak about that poor old beggar who sat in the corner next to the medical shop from where I caught my van to my Junior High and back and how it was that there was a small daily amount of Rs 2 that I could save considering that dad gave me 10 bucks to and from school and 10 bucks for food as need be. I did use up one of them on the one hour session at the cyber cafe and the other 10 had to be used for travelling. I am still left with Rs 2 that I would hope to save for 5 days so that it converts to 10 bucks which I could use for something else. However on my way back, my eyes would meet his and all I could do was give him the 2 bucks for that bite of food which kept him going. I wonder if kids these days would feel the way we did when we were small and tiny. Shruti spoke about how the security guard at my sisters building picked up a couple of 14 years old with pot/weed and how heart breaking it was to notice that a generation is dying while we all continue to chase our dreams.

Meh, COMPASSION? Nuff said.

-Anup

Where I am.

Where I am is at a place in time where all I see around is a shit ton of negativity. Minuses I throw at myself, procrastination for every thing; big or small, utter lack of life or excitement and an appalling amount of deep lethargy. Now, this is either a disease or just me but I’m not waiting to find out. I know that blogs have had their time and that they have come and gone. I know that the time now is to Vlog and be out there on YouTube. I am thinking on similar lines but I thought I should begin at a place which I have maintained for far too long. I thought I should promise my home on the web and try to stick by it. I need to get better and give it my best shot. I don’t quite know where it began and how to get rid of it but all I know is that I need to fight myself and my strong will to REST!

I weighed myself in yesterday after a visit to the doctor who I was visiting to complain about how tired I feel and about the spot sleeping. He wasn’t surprised by what was happening to me. At an outrageous 100 kgs – you cannot blame the body if it wants to rest. You do this to yourself. You cause your nose to shut down in the night and make noises that wake up the dead ffs. You cause deep sleep unrests not only for yourself but also your family and all of this comes down with not-so-uncommon diseases like sleep apnea. Now what I have seems like a mild case not the ones where you literally choke and die but the mild ones which ruins your sleep and makes you sleepy throughout the day. This in turn makes you lazy and lethargic and adds on to your difficulties. This is a vicious circle which will never end unless you put that foot forward and take a walk.

So, I’ll come by, probably every week; just to keep a tab of myself here on my blog. I may post pictures if I feel like it but for now, I am living in such self pity that I don’t quite feel like posting one. Maybe later? My kid brother who got better is my guide this time and I’m going to start slow. There are a few things I need to cut down on. I don’t think I want to get rid of them fully because I’d love to game as a hobby. All I need to do is say good bye to it from an addiction perspective. An addiction like this; I feel, is something I can help myself with. My daughter has already helped me a bit cause she just won’t let me be but I guess I need to shut down the rest and invest that time into something more constructive. I need to help out Shruti too because getting a life into this world can take its toll on your body and she needs my help. Lets see how things go. What I need for now is a solid set of songs to go along as I take the walk.

Stats for now:

Weight: 100 KG – need I say more for stats? Fuck this!

-Anup

Of diapers and controllers!

Daddy&DaughterWeird set ehh? Those two. Diapers and controllers. What I mean by controllers here are not the trotting terrors tssk tssk; the wives! In this context I’m talking about my PlayStation controllers. Heh, its very real though; this is where I am. This is where I stand and this is where I get stuck as I seem to want to do both. So I thought I might as well make a come back to the world of letters with an Anup who is so very lost. I’ve thought about writing more regularly too many times but as I have mentioned before; MY life seems to get the best off of me and things that I need to do gets over-run by things that I want to do. These are most often than not – activities that I can avoid or do without but then you know how it is with us humans. Addictions are very real. Obsessions attack the weak and I have proven to myself and my loved ones time and again that I am weak. Very weak. In any case, my weakness’ have been shared out here too many times and it isn’t funny or entertaining anymore. Why I’m here is to add a brand new category to my blog – Krisha, our little bundle of joy!

She opened her eyes and looked at me on the 3rd of September 2013 and I guess the excitement is the same for all new parents. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. She had a little smile on her face and was calm. Very light and dainty when I held her for the first time and was particular that she’d smile a bit when I clicked her picture the first. It was me and my mom-in-law who saw her the first and we both agreed that she was me carbon copied. I know that not all might see the similarities but people who truly know me and who have my face etched in their memories would know that her face is just a female version of me which by extension is a female version of my moms. She has all the good looks running from our family and I’m the proudest father there can be!

The controllers seem to have taken a back seat from where I see things. Of course Shruti has to bitch about those 10 minutes that I spend with one of my only hobbies. This is where we have this whole discussion on diapers and controllers. I don’t quite know if there are gamer daddy’s out there who struggle between this stage in their life where they are still stuck with games and their love for the great stories told there and their little ones who decide to cry, shit, fart, pee and everything else that’s disgusting and/or everything at the same time right when you’re about to get this excellent kill on Battlefield 3 but hey, if you’ll are out there do let me know. Its a long sentence but it sums up my point for this post. This is where I am stuck. I need to exercise and I know this. Its not that I don’t cause that’d just make me mad. I’ve put on a lot over the last 2 years and the excellent Gulab Jamuns from Mirchi don’t help one bit. My sweet tooth gets the better of me each and every time and like I mentioned above I am the king of “giver uppers”. I am that guy who gave up trying. The thing is; I love sweets, fuck that! I’m eating no matter how soon I die. Am I sorry about it? Hell NO!

Since the last time we spoke I have graduated to being an expert at changing diapers, an expert at burping my baby boo and an absolute baws (boss pronounces with the dubyoo) at smothering kisses. I have also; since then, got myself a ton of new games, bought games I never play and built myself a gaming PC. I will come back with more updates on this soon but the point to note is that what I’m going to be talking about here hence on will either be about smelly diapers or about THOSE games that I’d so love to play.

Cheers!~

-Anup