Grey.

Should be thinking about my health.
Should be concentrating on work and be thankful.
Should be spending more time with my family.
Should try ‘positivity’ a bit more often.
Should get in touch with friends who have walked away.
Should be happy.

Some of the many things that have ‘should be’s’ attached to them which is a big no-no according to my boss. Therefore technically it is something I avoid on a daily basis at work but when it comes to life this is all I have; a bunch of should be’s. I’ve been saying this to myself and to Shruti on an hourly basis when I need to avoid, procrastinate or just plain defend myself from goals be it the smallest of ones. Damn you Anup! Don’t start off with your never ending rants full of self pity. Its pathetic.

So the point of my post today was about this feeling of helplessness or of a place which seems so dark that you don’t know if you are alive or dead or a noise so vile that you’d rather die than bear it any longer. A point in your life where you feel that killing yourself is easier than dragging on any further. I wonder how someone commits to a decision like this. All of us at various points in our life must have thought of jumping off from somewhere or hitting some shots of Harpic or some such shit to end it all but this thought goes before it comes because we give ourselves ideas of getting out of that place without having to kill ourselves. Even if it means killing someone else. These people though – they achieve a state of Nirvana where their final goal is death and they have the will to reach it.

I am heavily disturbed by this 24 year old who had his whole life ahead of him and still thought it was best if he just ended it all. He was addicted to drugs and was supposedly depressed they said. I did watch the video he made before he jumped off the 17th floor and all that I could see from his face was a whole life ahead of him with a galore of opportunities. At 24 I believe you are at a stage which is like a pedestal that peeks you above everyone else. It lets you look at the world from a high point and gives you the opportunity to choose what you want to do with life. You can decide for yourself, pick what you like and walk or run towards it. Its like a fucking shopping cart; life that is. Fuck all those who talk about wrong decisions. There is neither right nor wrong. Its all about what’s good for you and at 24 you should be sensible enough to decide. Else, jump from a building and die motherfucker! Pisses me off that he thought it was just him affected by this decision. Don’t give me other worldly thoughts and rebellious puns. I don’t give a flying fuck. What you have done is the most cowardice act that there could be. You have perennially hurt your parents, maybe their parents (even more) and friends, the dog you fed on your way back from wherever. Fuck, you have stolen energy from a common space we all share and destroyed it!

Grey because to some it is and to some it is not. For me though, fuck you! Suicide is not a solution.

-Anup

Musebox 31 – Year ending 2014

photo(1)The year is about to end and here’s wishing a grand good bye to 2014. As usual I am a day too late to come up with updates and no I am not here to give excuses because the year has been an excellent one considering that me and my partner in crime; Shruti have had our little devil grow into this beautiful little ball of joy that makes us laugh and cry at the same time. No, I’m not kidding about this. We never knew that a small little thing like her could hold us hostage. Ohh and tears! I am sure she can contract for water if she wanted to cause tears just flow so naturally and easily at her will. All this apart we have been blissfully lucky to have her with us and there isn’t a day that goes by where we don’t thank god for giving her to us. She’s the prettiest thing we have seen and she is and will be forever – the queen of our heart.

This year has zoomed through at the speed of light. Work has been hectic and as I explained above we have had someone who just sucks every desire in us to look at anything else but her and hell no, I say that with absolutely no remorse. Though there are times when it seems too much for us to take; one smile and it all goes away. More than me its her, Shruti, the mother – the life-giver. Here is where you as a man see how inconsequential you are. All you contribute towards that life seems so minuscule when you observe from so close as to what a mother gives to get you to be where you are. In the end all you end up wishing is not for your offspring to love, respect or be there for you. All you wish for is for that child to know her mothers worth and be there for her – forever because you would never have had the power to move a limb if it weren’t for her. So here’s saluting all the millions of mothers out there. What you do is never truly recognized and it is in one of these very weak moments where us men tend to say – hey, thank you. Thank you for everything.

Work has been killer this entire year and no its not because I’m doing a lot of things. Its this one project which has clung on to me like tar to road. Its so sticky that it just won’t let go and I’m sure that even when it supposedly gets over I’d have stains and I’ll still be stuck in one way or the other to the road and I’ll have tons of people drive all over me. See the reference there? I’ve made way for people to commute and I know that I’ll get stuck on that very way. I tried to be Euphemistic there but no, I just can’t get it sound any less grim. The fuckin’ project is such that the management doesn’t give a fuck, the users don’t give two fucks and it seems like its just the Project team that see how important it is. Meh, important you ask? Fuck that – we are scrubs who work for nothing more than money. There is no respect and I’ve been living like this for far too long but then its Ka-ching you know? However much you earn the lesser it seems. God damn it, stop being such a sucker for pity Anup. Tell them about all the real life awesomeness that you’re missing out on just cause you’d rather sit in front of the thing-that-shows-you-whats-not-real instead of picking up that kid and going to the garden. Smell that fresh air, you know? Ahhh, let me get to that in small simple pointers.

  • I live a dream most people can only dream of – I swear to god!
  • I don’t seem to see all the good that my life has studded all over the place.
  • My wife loves me too god damn much for my own good. I am 97 kgs and counting.
  • Weight loss is a journey that we both embark on every single day and fail at it twice on the same day at the least.
  • …continuing – we are like spiders. We never give up!
  • I live in a country where me and my family can be out on the street at any given point in time and not fear for our safety.
  • I drive a car that I could only have dreamed of; elsewhere.
  • I can jog a couple of miles if I still wanted to. Hope I see the good in this.
  • I got a total of 46 paid days off this year – WTF?

So yes, the above should stand testimony to the fact that I need to live each and every moment of life rather than cribbing about how much it could have been better. Of course it can be made better but no one else except me can work towards it because god knows and I do too that nature has given me everything that I need, I have all the tools to ensure that I grow old well. How I utilize this is left unto me and if I fail at it I have no one but me to blame. For now though, I seem to get crowded by thoughts and heavy words like “responsibilities” which is something every middle aged man goes through and these struggles are something you wade through to ensure that you see that sense of purposed which drives our lives. I am still running circles though with Shruti and Krisha right in the middle. They seem to bear up with my stupid bouts of anger, idiosyncrasies that I myself don’t understand and yes finally – all the luggage that I seem to carry. Ohh God, help me just shed the weight and feel light cause that’s what I want to feel. But then again, here we have another year of achievements and I am sure that I’ll win if I have these guys by my side. That’s it for now I guess.

<3 my lovelies. I know I talk a lot and don’t do much but I will try to get better. Hope you have faith in me and remember – patience is key with me!

-Anup

Tippy Tippy Tip Top!

Its been a while I guess. Don’t I always seem to start with that line when I post in after months of silence? But then, the answer is simple – who even blogs these days? I’ve been following a few blogs since the time I could read I guess and most if not all of them have neared a state of limbo. Some of them gave up cause they got bored, the others had babies and moved on, some others; well, I have no clue! They just seemed to vanish. No one blogs these days, ffs! I feel bad about it but that’s how it is and I guess we just have to deal with it.

The blog is gone but what has replaced it you ask? People have to communicate and there is no way in hell that one mode of communication dies and it did not get replaced with something more powerful and better. Heard of Youtube? I’m sure you have. For a lot of us Youtube is the go-to place for entertainment and information. So yeah, people have moved to Youtube. Blogs have been replaced by Vlogs. This new thing isn’t just in so don’t tell me that I am late to report this. I’m just sharing what I can see. I haven’t yet moved to Vlogging but I have moved to Youtube nevertheless. I have a channel on there and I discuss video games. Hell yeah – nerd alert!

The above is one such video from my channel and I may decide to go the Vlogging way pretty soon. I am not fully sure about showing my chubby face on YouTube but maybe I will, eventually. I can’t quite live without social media communication and I still have some of my best friends online. It has deviated to stuff like gaming forums, clan websites, Playstation Network and other online communities but what’s in it? I find people I share similar interests with and that’s all that matters in the end I guess. That is where I have been and I guess I will continue to be around there for a while more.

The point of this post wasn’t that though. The point of this post was to just tell everyone who come by that people unlike things that you own are valuable and if you think too many times about making amends with friends you had a problem with then it most essentially means that you must do it. Sleeping on it for years and years and in the end realizing how big a fool you were makes you nothing more than a fool! So why wait to find out that you are a fool? Instead pick up that phone and dial that number. Its easy I think. The initial few seconds will make your heart pound because you don’t know what to say but the moment the wave is over you’d feel calm and at peace.

I keep talking about being up to date on here and I fail each and every time so I am not going to repeat that crap because I have realized that I tend to come to this place on one of two occasions; either I am being pushed too hard either by myself or by people who think I can write or because I am a bit glum. Somehow, like I discussed before it is only things that make me sad which brings out the need to write in me. Its probably just something that I feel and its probably not real but that’s how it seems and that’s what Shruti feels too. I guess two people can’t feel the exact same thing, so yeah, it must be right. There was a big torrential rant on my mind when I came here but somehow that seems to have fizzled out and I don’t want to write all of that crap here anymore.

People who befriend you will forget you.

People you befriend will be forgotten by you.

Friends that happen to you will remain that way… forever.

-Anup

Bi-yearly catch up!

What is up you guys? This is me, myself and I welcoming you to a brand new year. I know that I’ve been gone for a while now and this place is so dead right now. I come here ever so often hoping to get motivated by words that seemed to come to me so easily but this just doesn’t seem to be working for me and writing/blogging rather seems to be a thing of the past. No one blogs anymore says Shruti. Who even blogs? Type up text you mean? Seriously? Who has the time to read through walls of text? My manager calls me up each time he reads my emails and asks me to give him a two line summary in order to even “consider” my concern. That is how much people hate text. We have been taken by the vlog storm and youtube is the way to go. I have a youtube channel and all the jazzy social media crap but it can never do to me what walls of text does. I know that most of the people who used to come here would probably never come around hoping to see new stuff because 6 months is too long a time and in any case – I literally blog bi-yearly, so its no biggie!

There is a lot to catch up on and I am sure that I can come up with pages and pages of data and still not be done with it. However, the wife has dozed off already and I am so darn sleepy! This is just a post to try and follow what she told me – write a line or two a day and see where it takes you. So here I am; making an effort to write not for anyone else but just to get me closer to what I used to love doing and a certain part of me who still thinks that the thing I am best at is words, text, expressions and walls of text. In my case, love those walls as I always seem to get through them quite easily.

Here’s wishing anyone who graces by a happy and prosperous year 2013 and I hope for the best to come to you and your family. I seem to be doing well where I am. I am getting plumper by the day and I am worried about my health. I should be able to catch up over time but I really need to give it my full sooner than later. Shruti is bored but is doing extremely well and she is the strongest ray of hope in my life. There isn’t a day that goes by when I don’t fight with her. Sometimes, I just annoy her to see her get mad at me, its funny I tell you but that’s what I love about us we fight without too many egos!

A lot more to tell you’ll but I’ll leave that for future. For now, I hope to just about hit the final period here and go to bed. This won’t get published until I do that cause its almost 3:00 AM here and I had a tough day at work. I’m almost sleeping on my keyboard.

Cheers you guys! I missed you’ll.

-Anup

Alive and kicking.

I’ve been idling at my blog for the past three to four hours roughly thinking about where I need to start from. If you’ll noticed; I recently changed the blog’s theme and it was hated upon vociferously by Shruti. I still kept it for a while to see if I’d grow into it but nope, it just did not do it for me the way ADSimple does. The current theme that is. Its simple, nice and most importantly – red. I like the way it looks and feels and how it is easy to everyone’s eye. I’m not sure about what the masses feel about it but I felt much better the moment I changed it back to what it was.

As to why I’ve been invisible.. uhm, from what I have understood of myself it seems as though I need to feed upon pain and sorrow to come up with text that make a mark. Else, all that gargles out of me is nothing but bullshit! And I mean it – I just can’t seem to come up with the “happy stuff” you know? In fact, the moment I start sounding happy; by content or even if I type with a smile, the text just seems to bore themselves away and I end up staring at a blank notepad or sometimes my own self in the mirror. Wawwww!! I’m not kidding. Sometimes, I’m just a bore snore. I don’t quite want to say this in an open forum, but whatever is fine. Guess I need to get it out in order to attain some clarity about myself, you know?

What do I mean by a Happy blog? Check this out – http://sayesha.blogspot.com. Now here is a person who can really write happy stuff. Things that make her happy and words that make everyone who read it happy. Every post on her blog brings a smile to my face (Meh, me grumpy me) and I can’t stop wondering about how someone gets to be the way she is! I have been a silent follower of her blog for a couple of years now I think and there hasn’t been a single entry which put me down or made me feel sad or thoughtful. Every post is so light, happy and easy to relate to. Her story telling capabilities are without doubt exceptional and I hope she writes a fun book or something or maybe get her blog converted into a book. I’ve known of someone who has done that and it was pretty good. Not a chart buster but good nevertheless. Smikh introduced me to Sayesha’s and I just had to throw in a shout out to tell her that she’s one of the most inspiring people I know on the web. Cheers.

That being said – I hope for this entry to help get back to where I actually belong – words, texts, sentences and everything to do with narration and story telling. Hehe, yes, I always think of my life to be full of stories.

-Anup

Bangalore revisited

Its been less than 7 months since I left Bangalore behind but its all that I can think of now and my craving to return is growing stronger by the minute. Now, I’m fairly certain that this post might be prematurely ended due to my short attention span and my addiction to movie re-runs; which I must say is despicable because I’ve been repeating movies that I’ve watched a zillion times! Sometimes, I even remember the dialogues that is to follow but then, I’m addicted to re-runs and that’s all that I’m doing these days. I’m supposed to be working, reading, following up with dad on my marriage arrangements and other grave matters that need my attention but all I do whenever I find time is port into my hard drive full of movies that I’ve downloaded over the past 3 years and browse through. I then find a movie I’d like and there you have a re-run! Its suddenly hit me that around 10 days of leaves have sped by with me doing nothing but movie re-runs, a couple of books and some other things in general; which I must say I absolutely HAD to do. Like take a small stroll, stare at the gym from outside and contemplate an entry, stare at the Dubai skyline from my terrace and think about things, daily chores in the bathroom and a couple of stray discussions with the store manager at Madina super market, Bur Dubai.

I’d also like to bring to my notice the evident and seemingly alarming distance from human contact. So I have this room and I am in it. Its got everything you need. Split AC, a fridge, a bathroom, a bed, the internet and windows which you need not open! Its the perfect place to bury yourself and never be seen again. Hell yeah! That’s what I’ve been going through for the past 5 odd days and its silenced me from the inside. Sometimes, I even feel like I don’t have a shadow! What the fuck? Its so pissed at my lethargy that it went on a stroll by itself. I catch up to it overtime though. I’m scared of being alone in this cold desert. Don’t leave me alone, ehh? Things haven’t moved since the time I got in and I don’t intend on moving them into the cupboard because this room would then creep me out more. I haven’t turned the lights off in over 5 days – again cause it scares me every now and then. The new apartment is gorgeous no doubt but every once in a while it seems like Room 1408 in that movie. The one where they had a dead ghost living somewhere amongst its tiles. Damn! I’m going to have another sleepless night today. I’m hoping for work and hard labor to fix this problem. Work will commence tomorrow after an excruciating gap of 10 days and Boy! am I happy.

I’ll set aside the ramble for now and keep it for another date. As the topic suggests the aforementioned wasn’t my prime topic of discussion for today. It was Bangalore. If there was anyone who was following this blog and reading every now and then if not always, you’d note my obvious love for Bangalore. There aren’t any grave reasons for this. I just like the city for no reason. It seems like my place to be and the city where I’d finally settle down. I’ve lived a dreamy life there and come to think of it now, I’ve never been as alone as I am today. Again, loneliness is a state of mind and it can be easily overcome… yada yada yada!! Blargh, up yours with all that mumbo jumbo. I had friends there. However little they be, they were there. I didn’t meet them as often as I’d want to but then its ok, you know? It was enough that they were around. This post is dedicated to those glorious 18 months that I spent in Bangalore AFTER wrapping up a masquerading bitch of a period in Pune. A few clicks full of memories…

A lot of pictures have been left behind and I guess I’d track back to them a few months down the line. I’m sure my homesickness would just keep growing until the day I decide to return once and for all. From the looks of it, that day isn’t too far. I’ve always known that I wasn’t meant to be out of India and these days that I spend outside of my motherland yell an affirmative to my precognized notion. Point being, I’ve had people like Kuttapi, Ammu and Radha aunty who were MORE than my own family (trust me; in a lot of different ways), I had friends like Chetan and Ajay. These are probably the coolest people I’ve ever known. Anymore cooler than this and that’d make them backstabbing bastards. A karaoke pub that would let me sing and people who really did not care how you sang as long as you had the balls to do it! An opportunity to listen to Ajay sing "Smells like Teen spirit" and "Angels" AND rocking on both accounts. Chetan and me walking on the street and bursting out with streams of teared laughter at the aunty who let one go! Abhi and his very regular visits. The writers club and those emails that were exchanged. I can go on and on and on. Reasons aplenty for why I loved that city and how much I long to go back.

Now, the most obvious question is – Then why the fuck are you still stuck there? Well, you got to know this – a typical middle class mans life is full of a series of different kinds of shit – obligatory shit, responsibility shit, you-live-in-a-society-shit amongst others. I’m not different. As stuck as can be in a mud puddle which is grippy and ruthless. Questions like, "Ahhh, you’re back so soon?" with the "What a loser! tssk tssk" kinda face. "But son, you shouldn’t have wasted an opportunity like this!" You need more? I have more – "What?? You’re getting married – you need the cash! Don’t be a whiney loser like XYZABC, hang on!" Finally, the peach, "Damn! you got laid off, didn’t you?" I’m too scared of these questions and I don’t wish to fall down in order to answer them. Guess we all get fucked by the society one way or another. I’ll just deal with it for a while and fly back when I feel its time and when I’m no more part of a society that knows me.

Well, apart from these teeny weeny problems life pretty bright. Dubai is under 80 billion worth debt they say. I have no freaking clue of what’s going on and when I’d be thrown out of my job. What’s the point in thinking? I’d play the wait and watch game for now cause uhm, that’s all that you can do. I’m not going to crib, fret and frown over my job because there is no dearth for opportunities! In other news, Sneha is getting married too and I’m super excited. My long vacation starts on the 28th of January and I cant wait for the days to fly by. I cant bear the void anymore and I cant wait for Mrs. Menon to come over. Well, that’s it for now and I hope to god that this finally shows up as a post. I don’t trust myself with blogging these days. I have no clue about what’s gotten into me. Publishing a post seems to be a herculean task and I most usually find a reason to discard the draft by the end of it. This is lovingly dedicated to all those people back in Bangalore/Pune and Kerala *winks* This is to tell you’ll that I miss you’ll truck loads. Peace out.

-Anup

Happy birthday Abhi!

Abhi

I’ve been in a rut for over a month now and I guess I’m experiencing my first ‘Writers Block’ It’s a rut of remaining tucked in. Cuddled up within my warm fuzzy comforter. Ohh yeah, you heard that right. A comforter in Dubai? When it’s burning down on the sands? The carrier AC in my room is broke and it functions at 16 degree celcius. So, yes, its freezing. But thats alright as far as I’m concerned because I can withstand the cold but never the heat. The early morning heat ruins my want for more sleep, the afternoon heat eats up on my apetite (I dig the pun here) and the evening heat kills my want to wander out and ogle at the triple calved escorts roaming the streets of Bur Dubai. I tell you, French women are something else! JHC, what thighs! Tiny trouser kinda thingies, heels that’d make them taller than Prahlad who is six feet two and diamond cut stockings which could make me wanna throw up. Now I’m sure that’s a sight you’d never want to miss cause precisely; at that very second, when you ponder at reasons for them appearing the way they do… you’d find this amazing BMW 7200 slowly pull up to one of them and they’d slid right in. wOOt ehh? Point being, I’m a home-office-bathroom-commode-office-repeat kinda guy right now and I’m blissfully happy.

Coming to why I actually decided to blog; considering my enormous bout of lethargy and its visible side effects, its Mr. Shedge’s birthday! Ohh yes, Abhijit Shedge has turned uhm, XX years old. He’s lived another glorious year still reigning the world and still the creator of the Matrix. The Matrix that we live in. Yes, you got that right. He is that man who knows everything. He knows why you smile, he knows whats going on in your head and he even knows what you’d do tomorrow at 11:00 AM and if he doesn’t, all he needs to do is to look up his chat logs. Abhi’s chat logs are magical, you know? These logs seem to know things he knows plus more. Simply put, he’s amazing. And I’m not even kidding or being sarcastic, if thats what you’ll think this is. This is a clear word picture of one of the most valuable people in my life.

I’m too far away to give him a hug, a gift and loads to laugh about but I thought I’d take up this opportunity to do something I can do – Give him a few days of fame on this blog (yeah, you got that right!) and secondly thank him. Somehow, when it comes to Abhi, however much I say, thank you’s just dont seem to suffice. He’s the kind of guy who’d stick by when you’ve been nothing but an asshole. The kinda guy you’d find at your doorstep… BEFORE YOU CALL FOR HIM! Most importantly, he’s the kind of guy who’d never miss a phone call. That’s life saving, you know? To have people like him in your life is nothing short of a miraculous gift from god. Most people go all their lives without friends like him and I’m happy that he’s been around, from the times when we were nothings. But we were together at it. I’m proud of having outgrown my self-proclaimed poverty of money, sense and maturity along with him. He’s still immature though and his PJ’s are out of this world. Those are jokes that can be digested only by the tall man – Chetan Parik. What strikes me the most is his sense and understanding which suddenly seems to pop out of nowhere when it comes to things outside his circle of comfort. He’ll quickly turn into this calm, well spoken, knowledgeable guy who can connect with everyone around him without an effort! Where we may take months and years to make friends, he takes days. And I can go on about Abhi but then I guess I’d end this cause I just don’t want any spoil sights looking at him.

Abhi, if not 100, may you live a million years more in complete harmony with all your loved ones around and I’m dying to return into that protective circle. I cannot explain how insecure I feel when I’m not around my people; especially you, Muiz and Smikh. This is the best I can do for now – a treat to your eyes. Here’s about you and only you on my blog. Wish you many happy returns of the day. Happy budday to you, hatthi padla pu pu! Thanks for being there brother… from another mother. I’ve always wanted to use that idiom. Neat ehhh?

-Anup

Musebox 26

As another chapter in my life comes to an end; well, not actually to an end but its a fresh new start to an already ongoing chapter which was full of a stagnant, smelly, pathetic excuse of an essential experience called love or so it seemed like a mirage on a hot summer day in deep deserts. What I’m talking about is the fact that I’m shifting base. Since I said I would talk about it before I leave. Here’s an official announcement – from the looks of it, I’d be travelling to this hot, mid eastern country called Dubai and I’m hoping to have a fresh new shot at life devoid of the ghosts of my past that seem to haunt me mercilessly. I’d be working as a Microsoft consultant for XYZ Ltd. and I’m praying for all this to NOT be a dream, if you know what I mean? Dates would remain unannounced for now but yes, I’d be moving out very soon and I’m excited.

I think I need to excogitate a sane way to make more friends and be more socially interactive. On a more seriously plausible note, I’d like to be more approachable and calm. Its a new place and its a golden opportunity to restart, a place where no one knows me and I know no one. Its going to be fun! This thought came to me as I mulled over a lazy afternoon full of activities that I was trying to avoid. For example, the moving guys came today and took away all of my beloved household items. This left my flat in a state of disarray. I was supposed to go sort things out and pack up the remaining bits and pieces but then I did not. I just stayed at home (at Radha aunty’s) and brooded on endlessly. Sometimes I hate my incorrigible mind. I try hard to control the rampant self-loathing bozo that I am but I have failed miserably and thats pushed me more and more into the corner. I wonder why I chagrin myself like this? Guess it’d be easier to just dig a hole and take cover. Wish I were a coward. Anyway, where is this pointless ramble going?

Musebox 26 is to discuss my achievements and losses over the last 1 and a half years; considering all of that to be part of the same legendary story that I have lived thus far, post Convergys. I thought I’d talk about my gains and my losses and the list is long. Therefore, I’ve come up with just one section of the entire agenda, which in itself is a mammoth task. I thought I’d discuss people. Yes, I am a feeble mind. Who gives a fuck about what you think anyway? I’ve always wanted to discuss the people in my life but I thought I’d let it wait and simmer. I will probably re-model it into the People section one fine day but for today I wish to talk about a few very influential people who have been substantially involved through most part of my previous chapter. I’d like to take this opportunity to thank each and every one of them for their consistent efforts in bringing my life to the perfect harmony of untamed thoughts that it is, as of today. The big deal is, I’ve escaped the tornado with just a few bruises and cuts and its because of these people.

So the perennial glass half empty kinda guy that I am, let me talk about losses first. I’d like to dedicate the losses section to just two people. M & S. Now its unfortunate that I cannot name people in here but then, I’m sure they’d know if they ever come by. I consider the both of you’ll to be one of the biggest loss’ I have ever experienced. Its been painful, full of remorse and traumatic. I could have never fathomed the possibility of you’ll not being in my life but then it is unfortunate that things ended the way they did and there is nothing in this world that cannot be forgiven. I’d like to make it very clear that I have absolutely no ill-feelings for the both of you’ll and that I wish you all sorts of success in your future together. My belief of people belonging together has been strengthened by whatever has happened over the past year and a half, especially the part involving the three of us. I understand that some things are just meant to be and there is no denying a loss in love. I accept your loss and I wish from the pit of my heart that I be able to move on. The way you’ll have, so easily and without discomfort. I’m in awe of your strong hearts and I sincerely hate those very few seconds where I wished I were like you’ll.

One a more positive note, I have achieved a lot over the last year and a half (now I know that I’ve repeated this a couple of times, but then, what else do I do? I need to emphasize my point here, kapiche?) I’d like to thank the following people in no specific order for the kindness and closeness they have shown and I’m thankful to the power who let me at you’ll. In no specific order:

Sneha: I know that family wasn’t to be involved but then, I hope you know that you are a friend to me just as well. Thanks for being a pillar and thanks for being there through another chapter in my life. I cannot thank you enough. You are one of the most reliable and consistent friends I have ever had and I could not have asked for a better sister. I repeat, thanks a lot.

Abhijit: Abhi, I’m sure you’d love this part; the limelight hogger that you are! I’ve always wanted to do this and I promise to get this done better sometime later next month. But for now, I’d like to say that you’ve been this endearing cushion of friendship, strength, patience and everything else that makes a perfect friend. I’m sure you are a friend to many but I’m glad that I find a spot in your list of wannabe Abhijit Shedge friends! I couldn’t have reached this far sanely without your help and phone calls which have been so consistent that sometimes I thought you were a robot full of love. A sincere suggestion for you though – stop being so fucking nice. Get a fucking life. *winks*

Muiz and Shaista: For the silent presence.

Sanket: For all your ignorance.

Nikhil, Chetan and Ratheesh: I’m sorry for clubbing you guys in together, but then all of you’ll have been of prime importance in the very same role and thats all that I’d be glorifying in this session of continuous nonsense. You’ll have been all ears to my story and listened when you did not need to. You’ve acted as shock absorbers and I couldn’t have survived those humps without you’ll. Chetan and Nikhil thanks for all the laughs and giggles.

Ajay: Thanks for making me sound ohh-so-awesome! Heh, as we discussed yesterday – your presence is irreplaceable. Shine on.

Ruch: You reappeared after a long gap of over 6 years but trust me, within 6 months, I’m sure we have covered up for all that lost time and space. I love every second that I talk to you and I love the crap we talk. You make me smile without any efforts and I dont need to think twice before talking to you. Thanks for all the ‘pings’ and thanks for not waiting to be ‘pinged’  ^5 and you rock… like a crazy mad girl should!

Smikh: There is little that I can say or talk about you cause you know, its difficult to share you *winks* but then, here’s a little piece of you that is for keeps and I feel humbled that I have you as my friend. I wouldn’t go so far as to say that you have been amongst my best friends cause I do not understand that concept. But then, I’d like to point out that you’re not one of my ‘special friends’ either. You are more than a friend and that will always remain that way.

Well, thats it with this horrendously long entry. Friendships divine. I sincerely hope things work out for me and I’m hopeful that all this wouldn’t burst open like a soap bubble. I’d like to conclude with the following line from “Smells like teen spirit – Nirvana”. This is for our small little gang from Convergys. This is especially for Abhi, M&S, Sanket and Muiz:

Our little group has always been…
And always will, until the end.

-Anup

Road rage.

Road rageI’ve been requested and ordered; yes both at the same time by someone who CAN have that effect on me to be very careful about what I type on a public blog like this. Now I’m not sure about why he thinks that people care about what I write but then, assuming that they do care – I thought I never bought any personal stories upfront. Anyway, I think I see what you mean and I’m going to keep a very strict, no personal and/or family related entry rule on this journal hence on. I mean, seriously; its just a few of my close friends who visit this place once every 6 months when they are bored out of their wits. Damn! Sometimes, all I need is some appreciation. I don’t really care about who reads here and to be frank, I don’t really care about what they think or feel about whatever it is that I write. I just find it immensely satisfying to squeeze out all those brain cells that run my memory module and I like painting a word picture. It’s mostly for me, but then it’d be a lie if I say that it’s just that. I like it when people read at my place. I don’t feel obligated to blog or its not that I’m compelled to put my feelings and emotions into words. Seriously, that kinda hokum doesn’t work with me. I blog – because I love writing. Why else would I make up random stories? My friends know me very well and they’d testify that I make up stories. I’m one of those people who’d transform a penny into a hundred rupee note out of thin air. I just talk crap and most people I care about know what to take out of all that I say. So the reason why I blog is simple – I like this pseudo reality that I live in. In fact, I can’t live without it. I need to, every now and then pee all over it and leave my mark. I cannot quit writing; EVER and I will not. As far as keeping the private personal part out of picture is concerned, I will try. I promise.

I’ve not mentioned this before but what scares me shitless is the thought of an ant entering my ear while I’m asleep. I’m not sure why it’s just the ear that I’m bothered about because the heat these days is kinda killing and I’m wearing nothing but very short shorts when I sleep. Whatever. It just worries me when I see ants crawling around the place. The tiny black ones seem harmless and tickly but they can create a havoc once they get into your soft spots. And if you’re lucky enough to have one of those giant red ants get close to your ears then you’re in for a treat. Ohh yeah, my room is crawling with those. I wonder where they come from and what they find on my table, the bed, my watch and even the mirror. I mean, what is it that you’re looking for you puny dangerous creature? Your place is in the kitchen. Why don’t you just go away? How many more of you’ll do I have to smash and feel guilty for before you just disappear from my room? Its 2:00 AM and I need to sleep but I caught one of your step sisters wiping her antenna while resting comfortably on my pillow and that’s just gross and unclean. I thought you guys were more organized. And what the hell is on my pillow? Get out of my face, will you? And tell her to be never seen on my pillow again.

Coming to terms with my weak understanding of Kannada and humiliated by my less than modest effort at learning the language of the state I live in; I’ve come to the conclusion that road rage is an activity that cannot be avoided for long and that ‘nin akkan…’ essentially means “Your sister…” this I managed to decipher after numerous phone calls and asking around. I’m a safe driver. You’d spot me driving calmly moving close to 70 kmph when there isn’t much traffic and provided the roads can take that kinda speed. Now I don’t say that I’m a good driver but I’m alright at the wheels. I do have my push and pull game going on with the clutch but what the hell? That wouldn’t make me any lesser with judging the distance from a vehicle on either sides. I keep a safe distance and I do not overtake unless I’m in a hurry to leave. I remember once being kept at 20kmph because there was this bullock cart wobbling ahead of me and I thought the cow looked tired. I did not want to alarm the poor thing. So, yeah, that’s how I drive. I’m confident on the wheels and I seldom make mistakes. This is what I genuinely feel and its been alright for me thus far. I mean, its been over 2 years since I’ve had a car and I’ve never been into the shit that was waiting for me the other day.

So I’m driving, my usual self. Calm and lost in the music playing softly on my sides. The glasses were rolled up since it was burning outside and I kept a low profile on the road that day since I was early to work. I wasn’t even committing to my usual maneuvers that day and I was nodding my head softly as I whistled to “Kendi Pom” imagining Chi-Chi and Salman do the jingle. That song peps me up. I managed to quickly reach office that day. I’m not sure. Come to think of it now, was I speeding? Did I hit someone on the road? Random pedestrian? Some cab guy? I’m not sure. I stopped at this signal and this sumo screeched to a halt to the right of my car. All I could see was him yelling and turning red with anger as I looked on, confused and trying to understand what he was saying. He was visibly upset with something I did and I did not want to get into a squabble with a stupid cabbie in the middle of the road. I ignored all that he seemed to say. It almost seemed like he was a mime artist trying to visually explode my head with his hatred. I looked at him and gave one of those famous ‘fuck you’ expressions, shifted to first gear and took off. By now, he had stepped out of his cab and had broken into a swift jog. He reached my car and banged his hand very hard at my rear glass and I thought he nearly shattered it. This ticked me off and I thought I’d get out and ask him about what the fuck he thought he was doing! I could hear him swearing and yes, you know when someone is calling you names, whichever language it is. The both of us were on opposite ends of the world with a huge line separating us. The line contained, language, a general understanding of the world, education, an upbringing and yes, finally, Kannada. Everyone else around me knew what he was saying whereas I did not. So for everyone else, I was actually the biggest jackass they encountered that day. After a lot of pointless rambling he decided to give me a push which would be a physical representation to all his anger. Here, as instinctive as I am, I returned the favor. He was a tiny little man and he stumbled and fell down. By this time, I guess he figured out that I wasn’t scared of a fight. I actually was. Crap! I did not want to get into trouble with a cabbie. He’d have his bunch back at his parking lot. For all you know, you’d read about me being killed in a squabble between two “youths” heh, weird ways that newspapers have of portraying “incidents” Its pathetic, fights that is. Especially if it’s on the middle of the road. The small little one that I had quickly ended with the guys in the cab deciding to intervene and drag him back. I watched them leave and hopped into my car and quickly drove into my building. Ahhh! I was relieved. He wasn’t going to get in however hard he tried. I then nearly ran upstairs and told everyone about what happened and prepped them up for a fight – just in case. A bunch of nerdy IT guys, picture that? I was doomed.

I haven’t had any mishaps after that date and I hope he forgets my face. At least I have. Forgiveness is a trait of the best! Sadly, there is a humongous amount of stuff in my head that I wanna talk about right now but its late and I’m sleepy. I nearly forgot. I cut my hair short. It’s the old school navy cut now. I think I look presentable in it and I prefer that to a Rock star who failed to make a mark kinda look. Well, that’s what people thought I looked like. That being said I’m off for the night. Night ya’ll!

-Anup

An expensive weekend.

Once every month; Chetan and I have this unavoidable urge and craving to spend money. Its not like we do all that we want to do, which might include buying Levis denims and more shoes. We fall out of home hoping to buy stuff but these days we usually return empty handed cause uhm, allegedly, there isn’t anything worth buying. Or some random reason that we’d come up with at that point in time where we get stuck between the want to buy and the want to flee from the shop we’re standing in. Its awkward silence and then the both of us making a hasty exit from the shop leaving the salesman wondering what he did wrong. It was hilarious when we did this at Levis where I sent the boy to get a measuring tape for alteration since I had apparently just purchased a pair of expensive Levis. Here is where I looked at Chetan and we had a not-so-quite discussion about buying those denims. “Do you want it?” he asked. “I do!! and I dont…” said I looking perplexed at the thought of spending 3 grands on a pair of pants I did not actually need right then. Here is when Chetan turned into a Gladiator and he began fleeing the scene. I promptly followed suit and left those denims hanging by the manequins hands. Still cracks me up when I think about that day.

This weekend was one of those expensive ones where we did spend a lot of money on activities we could have easily avoided but then once in a while we like the rich feeling. Rich dining, expensive leisures and prodigal wandering. We visited Ruby Tuesday for lunch on Saturday. Chetans suggestion that. I’m positive that we’d never venture into that restaurant again. At least not the two of us. Its ideal if you want the perfect American date and I’d hope that the girl you’d take along would be worth the money cause its menu card is the epitome of a proposterously expensive list of food items you’ve probably never heard of unless, of course, if you fall into the Creme’De’wastera clan who is used to expensive places like these.  We had Penne mushroom Pasta and mini burgers with nothing but plain water even after the host asked us if we wanted something (alcoholic) to drink twice. It did seem embarassing the second time he asked and Chetan demanded some more water. We quickly finished our meal and paid a paltry sum of 600 bucks for the above mentioned food that was eaten tastefully by me. Chetan ended up stuffing most of it into his mouth cause it didn’t taste too great, he said.

Ahh! I nearly forgot to mention about the angel we saw at Pizza hut before that. Ohh yeah, thats right we had initially walked in to Pizza hut to eat a poor meal but then we decided to give Chetans choice of restaurant a shot after we caught ourselves staring at this angel on earth who couldn’t get enough of whatever it was that she was eating. She didn’t lift her eyes off her plate for once. What an ogre. Geez, no! This girl; I mean, its kinda difficult to put into words about how cute she was. Fair… infact, very fair but not pasty. A round chubby face but not fat. Curly hair right upto her shoulders. Eyes fixed on her plate and innocence written all over her gorgeous face. Lips so cute that you’d lose your apetite. The kajal in her eyes and those eyelashes, wooohoooo!! God sure spent a little more time on her. We exited soon cause else she’d be medusa who turned us into stone. Hey! Its not our fault. You cant help staring at girls like those.

We went bowling at Ameoba after all that food and we spent an hour just waiting for it to be our turn to take a shot at the heavy balls. We watched all those amateurs being funny with the ball and pins. We even found some dude trying to spin the ball in mid air. He was funny as hell and Chetan tried imitating him which made me tear with laughter. I finally decided to stop watching since there was this one girl who sported a lose top and decided to bend down with the ball. It made me feel guilty even though it was not me showing my cleavage. Chetan had no interest in watching live soft core banalities either. So we sulked and waited for it to be our turn. I wonder why that part made me feel guilty. I mean, its not like my eyes would self-realizingly close itself or blink for a longer second when images like this occur. Sigh, what a mindless world of women. It finally arrived and it was awesome. 45 minutes of unadulterated fun. I beat him in the first game and he beat me in the second. Its usually that way, we really cant decide on who is better. I guess we’ve decided that we both rock at it. Mostly, cause no one else there went above the score of 70 and we were in the 100’s. I loved the strikes we had and it was exhilarating. We then wasted time at Forum and had some Maharashtrian food for dinner. Sunday was a lazy day with loads of sleep and movies. Thats pretty much what we did this weekend and yeah, my purse got lighter by a grand. Sigh.

I am tempted to quit working and go take up a travelling job. More on that later. For now, I gotta head to my boring IT job and I guess you’d find me writing more if all that boredom doesn’t kill me. Later folks.

-Anup