Monkey trouble!

I had the laugh of my life today. The coolest part is, I laughed at myself and I just couldn’t stop laughing. Ohh! No, I’m sane. It just so happened that I met an ancestor in a wierdish way! HP is a green place. Eco friendly and a lovely place to be. I love the ambience so much so that I end up taking a walk all the time; just to stare at the grass, the trees and for the fresh air that keeps blowing up on your face. Most usually, its with Ratheesh, Avinash or with Nikhil these days. I drink a lot of tea and yes, its fun discussing technical stuff with Avinash.

We went down for some tea and chat just around the time when dusk was setting in and I love it outside during that time. I grabbed a “Tiger” and some tea and walked out with a handful of guys. Infact, I remember that there were quite a few people with me at that time. Surprizingly, Hemant was there with me too! He usually ends up being in another shift, but he had stayed back on this specific day. So, yes, we walked out to the smoking zone, tea in hand and ready for some talk. I sat down along with Amit, this hunky guy at work and had the rest of the guys facing me. We began discussing some stuff and I was talking to Hemant if I remember the incident correctly. Suddenly I saw all the guys running backwards and looking at me. I saw their eyes gaze to something behind me. I turned and found this rather large monkey walking with all its might towards the biscuit in my hand. I thought it wanted the tea I had (that was stupid of me!) So I kept the cuppa tea there, dropped the biscuit and jumped off.

Here’s the cool part. The monkey tore the plastic cover off quite comfortably and munched down all the biscuits without leaving me a bite! I managed to get back my tea though and I was really pissed at myself for giving him my biscuits. Hrmphhh, hope you’re happy you ape! The monkeys then continued to ransack a container full of supplies which was kept outside. The guys were carting them in, but they left the containers open and the monkeys made away with a couple of bottles of juices, some packets of foodstuff and other things too, like razors! Anyway, I had a hearty laugh at myself later and at the whole incident. I mean, no kidding, the monkey looked dangerous to me with its teeth clenched and the way it looked me in the eyes. These apes aren’t scared of anyone, they just roam the campus as if its their land and we must share our food with them since we’re using their space!

That being said, the workload has increased and I manage to keep myself busy for most part of the day. I feel lonely sometimes. Like, I miss her once in a while, not always and not anymore, anyway, but yes, I do miss her. Then I miss my family and friends. I really miss Abhi, Muiz and Smikh. Smikh keeps busy or uhm, I’m not sure she pretends to be busy, because thats how she maintains that distance from people to whome she shouldn’t get too close. Abhi is hell busy too, since the call flow in DS is in an all time high. Muiz was busy too, the last time that I spoke to him. The people who have loads of time for me are Radha Aunty, my cousins at home here in Bangalore, mom and Sneha. Dad is busy with the financial year ending work.

I’ve thought about writing a new section. I need more ideas and I’m drawing the initial sketch for the page. I’ll begin working on it once I have a fair idea of what I want. Its a section called “People” where I’d end up writing about important people in my life. I was also thinking on lines where I could amalgamate a gallery into wordpress, but I don’t have a lot of bright ideas right now and somehow, I lack the required motivation for such a project. The other ideas I’m working on is, Health, music and ohh, earning some more wealth! I’m going to work towards this from next week on and try to keep myself away from any weird thoughts. I’d need to get me to believe in myself and really WANT to start living again. It isn’t too hard they say and I trust them! My mom talks to me each day and tells me about how my pain worries her a lot. She is someone I cannot hurt for long and I know that its time I stop troubling her. I’ve always given her pain and I’m not proud about it. Dad seems to be ok. Sneha is doing fine, college and friends. She’s probably having the time of her life and I feel stupid for having troubled her with teared up phone calls at 2 in the morning. Man, I’ve been sucking up big time. Cribbing about how my life sucks instead of working on it. I mean, its not all that hard, you know? No. I don’t! Thats what I feel. Its not all that easy. Its just not easy to forget what I felt for a person. Its not easy to forget the time spent together. Its nearly impossible to forget the smiles, the laughs and all the good things that happened. And now that I know that its all going to go. Now since I know that she’s gone… it gets really really difficult. People say that I need to be more stronger. Why? The weaker I am, the stronger she gets! I’m tired of telling people that she is someone who wouldn’t care. Like, she’d forget me within a few days if she gets the chance. I’ve been a fool in trying to talk to her and she’s been brave enough to still talk to me. Guess its time to let go. I really need to do what I last said – relive. Lets see whats in store.

Peace.

-Anup

Freedom

I feel at peace when I write this. Please. Let there be no misconceptions that I have attained freedom from life (even though thats what I thought was better until a couple of days ago) I have attained freedom from fear! A fear, a constant feeling that has been haunting me from 2 and a half years now. A fear of losing someone very important to me. And here’s the truth; I have lost her.

What keeps me calm right now is the fact that I haven’t done what I said I’d do – kill myself. I really couldn’t do that. Quite a few reasons; I am not a coward, I have people who look up to me and I have one hellova family who really stood by during the last few very troublesome days. Moreover, my friends, I have a couple I could mention – Abhijit and Muiz. These guys just held me throughout. Listened to me spill it out and finish it. I have puked it all out. Now, its void. No hate and there surely is no love.

Freedom

I am pretty sure that there would be no remorse from my other half. She is calm, very peaceful and currently sleeping. Like she says, “You have not known me” I wish I wouldn’t have known you! I just wish. The injury is done, I feel its pain and it’d probably go. What remains is me being scarred for life. I dedicate the entire album – The Division bell, by Pink Floyd to her and to the situation I am in. Its just perfect. Adding one of the songs in here:

[audio:http://www.anup.org/audio/take.mp3]

Anyway, she has ended something that she should have ended long time ago. Considering her to be more mature out of the two of us (or so she says!) What bothered me was the way in which she ended it. I totally agree that I’ve been obsessive about her and that I’ve probably overburdened her with love. This is a very common mistake and a lot of guys do it. What this deserves is a break up, a heartbreak and if that results to death, its ok! At least be true and tell him that you do not wish to be with him. Is it better to hide what you feel, give him wrong hope and then after a long time, a time when he thinks he cant live without you; you kill him anyway? Is this justice?

People who heard the story said that we both have been at fault. I’m just going to agree to them and shut the fuck up and move on. I know, there is no other way, but… could I have tried harder? Could I have done anything to make her stay? Guess not. I tried my best. My very best and even though she does not see it, I gave a lot to the both of us. Time, patience and everything else. I really can’t see what came from her side. Except for tolerance though. She tolerated me. I agree. What was ideally required was for her to help me. She never tried.

So, freedom be to her and to me. May she do very well in whatever it is that she does. May she live well with the new light in her life and may god bless her. I’m not trying to be good. Its just that… I still love her. I can’t talk my heart out of it. He just doesn’t listen. Anyway, I’m ready to relive. Time to end the fear and time to accept my freedom. Thanks for all that you’ve given me luvey. I’d be forever, indebted to you.

Her gift to me just before Valentines, oh yes, this was it:

Rip my heart out and walk away…

-Anup

Going home

Finally, its the 8th and tomorrow, I’d be off to Pune. Do I sound like someone who hasn’t visited home since a million years?! Well, it feels like that this time. I’m not sure why, but I really missed Pune. I think its because of CVG, the people there, my friends, my team mates and of course, her! I’m dying to meet her.

Things aren’t looking up for me and I know it. I might as well return back with loads of loads of tears and sadness, but thats ok! At least I’ll have a convinced heart. I have to talk to her. I need to tell her how I feel and then if she feels more strongly about that space and if she really needs a break, then so be it – she gets it! Without a doubt, this time I will do it. Its just that I can’t be alone on Valentines! Its a very special day for me.

I missed mom and Sneha somehow and I feel like talking to them and eating the food mom cooks. Somehow, I’m certain that this would be my last trip to Pune for some time after. I’ll need to stay back, control my stupid brain/heart and kind of let people be. So, this time, I’ve planned to be good. Just enjoy myself and not make a mincemeat of the not-so-hellish life I have as of now. I know that its going to turn into hell very soon and thats the reason I say, this one week is very important for me. I will apologize and I will accept my faults.

Well, thats it with that. Apart from that, I’ve been tuning in to this new band (for me) called motherjane; which is a Kerala based Rock band. Totally owns. www.motherjane.net. Insane biography is neat. I like it.

MJ

Apart from that, I have escaped without trauma for the last few days because Abhi is here. Abhi; he is an awesome person. Someone who can just wish your worries away with his laughs. I’m not going to type about how important he is; when it comes to me and my life, but since he’s been that secret box, I’d like to thank him from the bottom of my heart for being there. For being there and listening to me yell out my fears. Thanks Abhi. Well, thats it for now. I don’t feel the flow for now. I’m just plain excited to be going home! I’ll track back within a week. Till then…