Love – Helmet Pinched

Obituary to love.

He sobbed some more as he tried in vain to reach out to sandman. It seemed like eternity since he last slept and the Tears efforts made to get one days sleep seemed to make him more numb towards the whole idea of rest and dreams. But he had slept off today. Smothered by his own self-poisoning ways and of course his self-loathing stare which seemed to tear into his skin, break every bone in him and make every blood cell in him wither and die. He had wished for sleep and nothing but dreams that wouldn’t haunt him. The nightmares had been giving him the jitters forever now and all he wanted was to sleep. It was alright if it wasn’t peaceful, understandable that the nightmares wont go. All he wished for was to stop watching her leave. This seemed to creep up on his dreams every night like an old abandoned spirit unwilling to leave. Nothing helped and he had given up.

He woke up with a start; perspiring and almost crying his eyes out over what he had to endure in that wretched dream. It was the same one every day. It played on like a stuck tape that wouldn’t budge. It was there to stay and it had occured to him as a torture every single night. All he ever wanted was her…

There she sat on a red sheet on bare ground. Clad in a white dress, her naked feet caught his eyes. He thought they were beautiful. She tiptoed towards the rivulet being careful to not hurt herself. He noticed that she had no slippers. She looked perfect; pristine, benign and pure. So much so that she seemed unattainable. He smiled as he watched her grab the flowing water with both her hands cupped together. She drank some and ever so sloppily let most of the water flow off her cusped hands onto her neck which trickled down to her chest and there seemed to be a red glow which seemed to dull out when the water seeped in. It seemed magical. He could hear her heartbeat which seemed like a million lightning-thunders hitting against the harsh waves of an angry sea. She looked beautiful. He almost took his eyes of her, lest he hurt her just by laying his eyes on her.

She sat herself down on a rock and beckoned him to come sit by her. He hesitated but was drawn to her like the male praying mantis who knows that it’ll be eaten after the female takes what she wants but her magnetism is too much for him to negate. He sat down and gently took her feet in his hands. He noticed a tiny stream of blood. She had cut herself. He panicked and began cleaning the wound. Her heart raced faster than ever and her heart glowed a color of red he’d never seen before. She looked into his eyes and flashed one of her smiles. The ever so small but very visible to him kinda ones. She bent down, stared lovingly into his eyes and spoke in a voice that seemed like many tiny, delicate strings being plucked, almost rhythmically. “Will we be like this forever?” he looked at her, full of unending love but confused at her question, “Why do you ask? Haven’t I told you so many times before?” she suddenly seemed sad and lost in a scary reverie. “What is bothering you?” he asked, worried and curious to know more about what was on her mind. “I feel like I’m losing grip and you seem like you’re slipping away… tell me you’ll stay!” she blurted out, exasperated by its sheer thought. “I’ll be here. I’ll never leave. You’re mine and I’ll never let go…” and he kissed her gently on her shoulder.

The touch burnt her and she moved away quickly and seemed farther than he wanted her to be. He reached out and tried to move closer to her but the nearer he got the further away she went. The red aura around her chest had died out. She looked sad and frail now. Her white dress tattered and torn. Both her legs had deep wounds on them and she was bleeding. He called out to her and tried to make a run towards her with all his remaining energy. She kept looking at him try in futility. His race with time just made her more grotesque and unrealistically chimerish. Finally, all he heard was a whisper, “I’m sorry…” He couldn’t see her anymore. She gave no reasons and there were no good byes. Tears for him and invisibility for her! Gods been kind he thought as he struggled to keep himself from crying, but tears were his best friends. They came… and he woke up; yet again., sobbing and benighted by the shadows of his past and a nightmare that just doesn’t let go. The music ends and he slids back into bed. Another sleepless night. His nights seemed to him like a never-ending obituary to love.

-Anup

A year of not being in love – Happy Valentines – 2009!

He twitched a little as he shifted to third gear. The road was empty and he felt the need to overdrive. It was 11:55 and a cruel clock driven by the need to find a way back into love began ticking within him. It was close to a year since they parted ways and every second that ticked seemed like a nail on his coffined life. He felt the need to stop the car and take a walk but then he had, seated next to him this colleague to whom he promised a lift back home. Jassi (the colleague here) was silent as he tried to listen intently to the loud blaring music. He seemed so unfamiliar to Creed. “Loud music gives me the yips” he said without looking at him. He ignored the comment and switched to fifth gear. The sooner I drop him the better it’d be for me, he thought.

14th of February 2008 came rushing in and it seemed to drown him in a sea of sorrow, regret and hopelessness. That was their last day together. She looked beautiful (he thought) in a white dress with red flowers on it and matching flat shoes to go along. He had no gift, but bought a card and some flowers cause they had agreed upon getting no gifts. He caught her by surprise when he came up with the card cause she assumed that he’d follow himself since it was he who cracked the deal. “No gifts this time! You wanna break up anyway, right? So lets not waste our hard earned money” he said the other night in a voice that seemed to crack over the phone telling her of how much it pained him but he chose to fight anyway. “Alright” she said and slid back into bed. She dialed his number and burst into tears.

She: I can’t take this anymore. I want all this to end.
Him: What happened? Why are you crying? Are you ok? I’m worried…
She: (muffling her sobs) I’m worried. I don’t want to be with him anymore.
Him: I know. Its alright, we’ll sort this out. You talk to him tomorrow.
She: But its Valentines and you know how he can be?
Him: Yes. But you have to tell him someday about how you feel. You’ve dragged this for 2 long years.
She: (still sobbing) But I wanted to be with you. I never thought he’d come. We broke up before he left to join work at Bangalore.
Him: *sigh* don’t worry, just talk to him. Happy Valentines day – I love you.
She: I love you too. Call you tomorrow.

“So you bought me a card and flowers even though we weren’t supposed to get gifts?” she questioned. He knew that was coming. “I know, just wanted to get you closer to reality. You’re a shallow person, you know? Don’t you know me? I would never turn up without a gift” She had the smudged but unwilling to accept embarrassment kinda look on her face as she hopped into the car. She sat down and stared at the mirror adjusting her make up. “You look gorgeous” he said. “Care for a picture?” and he notioned her to get down from the car. She got out and he went all clickety. Pictures always made her happy.

“And whats our POA for the day?” she asked, as if trying to estimate when she’d get free. She had other appointments. “POA? I’m not sure… err, what?” “Plan of action, I mean” she said, continuing to play with her maskara. “Ohhh, movie? I heard P.S: I love you is playing at E-square, lunch and then a drive maybe?” He seemed unsure if she really had the entire day. He knew she had other plans. It was like he always knew. This was the dreaded day. “Sounds like a plan, lets make a dash” and she smiled for the first time. Well, thats what kills a man, doesn’t it? Her tears and her smile. They drove off and she seemed to be lost for most part of the drive to the movie hall. She fiddled with her phone, tried to concentrate on the music blaring out of the radio (she had this turned high on volume, reasons unknown) and finally feigned some sleep. They entered the hall and bought movie tickets. They still had an hour to the start of the movie. “Hey, I’d like to grab a sketch if possible. Guess we’d never get to do that again” it was like the bite of a venomous snake. The pain of the bite and the venom seeping into his bloodstream. The pain was ineffable. “What do you mean? Nothings wrong! you’re crazy…” she lied. She held his hand (for the first time that day) and dragged him to the sketch counter. They stood in front of the web-cam and it clicked a picture and began sketching. Both of them wore a cemented smile and waited for the sketch. The silence grew on them and he broke the dead air…

He: What plans for tomorrow then? I’m leaving day after.
She: Anything you say. Just don’t ask me to bunk work. I hate doing that.
He: I didn’t ask for anything. It’s alright if you’re busy. Its just that, we both know whats to proceed. I thought you’d want to spend some time with me.
She: Yes, I’d like that. Work begins at 4. Jodha Akbar? Tomorrow? I heard its funny (and she guffawed)
He: Alright, good, you get the tickets. I’m sure you’d have saved up truckloads of money on all the gifts you avoid buying. (he winked)
She: Arghhhhhh!! I knew you’d come up with that. I was just doing what you said.
He: Hey! I was just kidding, whats with you? Weren’t you the one who suggested I take jokes?
She: No! I don’t want you to curse me with this later. I want to get you a gift like right now!!

(She dragged him into Archie’s)

He: Listen, please? Forget about it? I was just messing with your head.
She: Yes, you’re a pro at that, you know?

(She has a toy figure of olive oyl in pink in her hand and seems appreciative about its cost)

She: Could you parcel this up for me?
Shopguy: Sure (and he goes on with gift wrapping it)
He: Uncalled for. Suit yourself though.
Shopguy: 220 Rs ma’am.
She: Hey, can you lend me 200? (after shuffling in her bag and purse for a while)
He: Hey, sure thing! Here you go…

(She hands his gift over)

He: Hey, thanks so much! I love the gift I bought myself. (and he winked again)
She: You come up with new ways of killing me every day. How do you manage?
He: I don’t need to try luvey, you are the artist in me!
She: Hey! I thought we were out together on Valentines day? Lets try to be happy?
He: Sure thing. You try. I’m happy that I get to be with you. Its difficult handling all the call waits anyway. You have been a busy bee off late.

(A quite lunch and an amazing movie later)

“You should consider untying your hair I think” he said and gave her a worried look. “Do you really want to show all that bare back to the crowd?” and he got into the car trying to avoid eye contact. He knew she’d give him the “stfu-low-life” kinda look. “Uhm, I thought you said I looked beautiful” she said carelessly and got in. They didn’t speak for a while. The traffic kept him busy. “So where to? same old?” he asked. “Ohhh yes, lets go there!! I still remember…” she began. “Please! don’t fuck it up with uncalled nostalgia. You know things wont end well if we got nostalgic” he said as he tuned up the player. He drove on until they reached the spot. This was where they used to come when they were madly in love which seemed as though it was all a mirage. For him it was as real as could be. Love slipping away; he had been living with it for a long time now and he wanted to gut it down. They got out of the car and walked slowly towards the tree which stood on a small plateau. They sat down and spoke… for the very last time. The drive from there back home was washed off by the countless tear drops which hit his soul.

He: Why all this?
She: What do you mean?
He: Why did it take you two years to know who you really wanna be with?

(She hits the mute mode)

He: We have to talk, ok? For me and for you!
She: I used to love you.
He: When and why?
She: What do you mean?
He: Just cause you never managed to get his attention? Wasn’t that why you signed up for me? Ohh and add to that, FREE GIFTS!!!
She: Calm down!
He: I’m sorry. I just wanted to finish this dialog and be done with.
She: I’m sorry. I didn’t know things would turn up like this.
He: Common!! think about it. You didn’t know? Is that the best you could come up with?
She: (sobbing) I’m sorry…
He: DOWN with those tears girl!!! We aren’t discussing the probability of us getting married here. Thats long over. All I want to know is about why you put me through this pyre?
She: What do you want me to tell you?
He: The truth. Whatever it is…
She: You sound as though you know it all.
He: I do. But I’d want you to tell me so that its itched onto me and I get rid of your torturous thoughts.
She: I don’t love you anymore.
He: I know that. Crystal. Since forever now. Tell me why. Thats what I want to hear.
She: I’m sorry.
He: Please!!!!!!!!! stop with the apologies. (he broke down) Why apologize when there is no forgiving? I’ve got nothing against you. You just want to be happy and I’m not good enough.
She: No… its not that, its my fault, not yours.
He: God, thats the worst cliche in the book luvey.
She: I’m sorry… I…
He: Lets leave. Thanks for your company thus far. It has been 2 and a half years of bliss hidden deviously behind the illusion you created. I can’t thank you enough for all the times you’ve heard me out. I don’t think I’ll ever love anyone as madly as I’ve loved you. I’m letting go and I know thats what you want. I don’t quite know how I’m going to do without you.
She: I’ll miss you too…
He: Shhhhhhhhhhh…. don’t say that.
She: But…
He: No, you have no say in this. Lastly, all I have to say is that you look just as beautiful as you looked today even when you’re in your sweats. I can’t promise about going away without the final struggle. There’ll be tears and phone calls. Deal with it. You know me better than I know myself. Please be patient with me. Now, give me a hug…

(They hug and walk towards the car)

“Hey! Happy Valentines day dude, its 12:02 and you’re the first one I wished!!” he shifted back to 2nd gear and then to first as he slowed down. “Turn left and stop, thanks for dropping me home” Jassi said as he watched tears well up in his eyes. “You have a good one man…” he waved as he sped off. “Happy Valentines day luvey…” he muttered and then there was light! He twitched again,

-Anup

P.S: All the charecters in the plot above are REAL! Sue me.

The morning expresso!

Dimmed lights, a miniscule crowd, silence and some guy far away… vigorously tapping on his keyboard; thats morning shift for you. I love this shift and I prefer working early morning than the afternoons. Luckily, I have colleagues who prefer the afternoon shifts because they’d want to sleep late into the morning hours. I’ve been in love with the early morning hours since the time I can remember myself waking up for school. Dad brushing my teeth, telling me how important it is to brush our teeth carefully; sliding the brush from top to bottom than sideways. He’d then carefully use warm water (which mom heated up on the gas) to wash my face and hands. Mom would take on from here and get me dressed and packed up for school. By around 8:15 AM I’d find myself walking to my bus stop where I’d meet my school mates and we’d play football with those small infamous rubber balls which would most usually end with someone getting hurt, but we played anyway. The early morning sun beaming down upon us felt so good then! The only worries being about the test results or probably being beaten up by Rakesh. I wasn’t allowed to have coffee then. I was a kid and add to that I had asthama which dad was meticulously weeding off by means of homeopathy and loads of love and affection. I can still feel his cheeks against mine. That was how he’d measure body temprature. He doesn’t do that anymore… infact, he hardly talks to me and he probably has umpteen reasons to be so very disconnected from him son, pfft, can’t blame him.

Today, I can sip on a cuppa coffee and take a deep breath out there in the sun as it shines down on me glimmering away and flickering sometimes from between the trees that seem to only hide my troubles, pains and sorrows; just when you feel all smothered it’d gently sway away and let a beam pass by. Is this what you call a ray of hope?

Well, I love expresso but I prefer drinking tea at work because I have this thing where tea pwns* coffee (for me) if and when its a question of keeping me awake. Luckily for me, I have Hemant working with me today and thus I get to chat up with him and listen to some music as he goes on blabbering endlessly about information I don’t need. He’d talk about reports that I’m supposed to make but I don’t cause Microsoft excel IMHO, sucks. I hate the bloody software and I hate those stupid reports. What the fuck do they make out of all these reports anyway? Nothing. As far as I’m concerned – Do you have a problem? No? Well, then I’m doing my job right. There is no way to measure what I’m doing cause well, I’m not doing much. But I’m there, you know? Just in case you need me! I’m somewhat like a handgun if you’re dropping down into a pithole to explore the caves there; you’d rather carry one and brag about it than not carry it and die just in case a monster pops out from nowhere!

I picked up an expresso today, mostly cause I was lost in thought and to think and write truthfully, I was pretty lost for words. Here is when I started about the juncture where I left my last post at. So how exactly do you fill up the void? There is no arguement to the fact that you have a hole, an empty space when you lose someone you love. For some people (like the girl I loved in this case) its easy; filling up the black hole. Infact, they don’t even require time to feel sorrowful about losing something as precious as love. They don’t need to mourn the loss of a friend and companion. All they want to do is to move on. Is it that easy? I’ve tried very hard over the past 9 months to extract myself from the mess I fell into and I have been successful but to a certain extent. She hasn’t fully left me, you know? And strands of her that remains seem like hair in your food. You can remove whats fallen in and continue eating it as if nothing happened, but then it’d be there in the back of your mind about how contaminated your food was. Then there are people like me, who’d stare at the food, get up and leave. Other, more brighter people would just get themselves a fresh serving. The last option is the most difficult one, I feel. Also, after being hurt so bad in love, how do people trust enough to fall in love again? And most importantly, ever so quickly? How do people tend to forget marriages that were broken due to small ego-fights? Relationships these days seem so unreal and fickle. A strong bond seems to be a thing of the past. I hate the fuckin’ move-on generation. To describe my exact feelings, I’d have to use some words by Pink Floyd, but it makes sense. Its a song, but I’m just going to type it down – one sentence. I was spending my time in the doldrums. I was caught in a cauldron of hate. I felt persecuted and paralyzed. I thought everything else would just wait. Its a sad feeling and it takes a lot more than just optimistic thinking to get out of. The answer is pretty simple though. Its going to be like this till the time you find someone to fill the void. The only thing you need to take care of is to not make hasty choices/decisions and try to wait a while. Give yourself a breather and then finally, don’t look for him/her. Let it happen. Hah! arranged marriage in my case, duh!

I’ve been in a state of chagrined discomfort over the past few days and I’m not sure about what actions I’d need to take in order to achieve what I really want or reach up and grab destiny by its throat. The undying problem here is, I have so many options; most of which I cannot relate to, some that I cannot get even though I can, its too much of a pun to explain so lets not go there. A couple which seem like a plausible excuse to my ever-growing reasoning on why I should go back to Pune and then a few others which are still unclear mostly cause the tinker fairies are still working on them. I’d really want to see how things shape up for me. I wish I could time travel and explore every option. Abhi and Muiz confuse me a lot and my love for Bangalore (which I cannot explain) wants me to stick on. The concern is (like I’ve said before) I’ve landed here way too early. I am unable to cope up with a monotonous job and a friendless work life. I’ve had too little and too unreal of those vibrant friendships, romances and everything else. I’d really want to live my age. Currently, I’m like this 30 year old who lives his pointless life encumbered by a thousand woes but still not looking for an answer. All I’m looking for is a passage, an escape route. Frankly, a way back into love.

The garnishing over the afromentioned soul-less dish: I bought a 500 GB Western Digital hard drive and it helps a lot because I have around 200 GB worth movies and porn and I had no place to house them. Now since I have this magical hardware thingy, I can continue raping Airtel. Movies I’ve watched over the past few days – Kidnap, Drona and Hello (Bollywood) A walk in the clouds, Fracture, Stranger than fiction, Tinkerbell, Ghost in the shell and many many more in the angrezi* section. I’m tired now and Hemant is annoying me;/ I might as well upload pictures of my HDD and this soft ball thing which I love kicking around a lot. Maybe later. Peace out.

-Anup

My days out.

I’ve had a cyclone of strings to write about and these have kept me unsure about what to write first. I’d think about what to write and then give up. This usually never happened to me because I’d let my fingers flow; not according to what was on my head but mostly what was in my heart. Precisely like what I told Vijay earlier yesterday when he said that the stuff I wrote hid certain parts of me. I’d beg to differ here though because according to me writing was the only activity that got the best out of me. But then, maybe he’s right. Probably, this hideous behaviour is subconscious. I’m not sure about what I’d need to do to be more crystal and then again, whats the point in me trying to change the way I write? That’d just be someone else looking back and asking a different set of questions.

Coming to what happened last week. It was a festive week since it was Dassera and Radha aunty and family had decided to go on an outing. They were unsure about two spots – Innovative film city or Nandi hills. I suggested Nandi cause I think its a lovely place to be plus I’d wanted to get out of the sultry October heat. The weather in Bangalore is kinda weird these days. It rains when you think its going to shine the rest of the day. It rains along with the heat and I love the rainbows. Kuttapi decided to traumatize us because he coaxed us into going to Innovative since he had feedback that the place rocked. Before I talk about the place, I’d like to warn all those people who have even thought of going there somewhere down the line to consider their idea again because its a bad one. The place is the biggest rip-off I’ve ever seen and it was a complete waste of time, energy and money. We were drained by the time we returned; not cause we enjoyed being there but because me and Ravi Uncle had jointly spent around 3,500 Rs and mostly it was for nothing. Like I said, its rip-off and its one of its kind!

The ripping-off begins from the time you enter the place where the entry fee is Rs 50 per person (seems nominal but ends up being quite a lot if you’re in a gang) from here on every room you enter you’d lose purse-weight, an average of Rs 100 ever time. The machinery and technology used belonged to the neantherthal age and it made me mad when I saw the video game arcade. God damn it! Those were the oldest nintendos I had ever seen and I wondered about what the fuck it was that they thought when they decided to get these old age things out for sale. The sad yet funny part of this story though was that they were making a lot of money out of it. People made beelines to all of these rooms which displayed a variety of things, or so to say a charade of lies. There was nothing worthwile inside any of these rooms. Tussads wax museum – huh, what in the name of god was that? I laughed my ass out at some of the statues. Ripleys; we didn’t even bother going in and so did we ignore the dinosaur enclave. The only tolerable part was where we watched the 4D movie and even though it was kinda stone age it still made me giggle. Then the food court, the mind blowing display of foodelicious delights or so they said it was. This was the most miserable place to eat cause it all tasted and smelt like chicken and we were veggies. I ate what I bought but then trust me, the food was distasteful and I had to eat two icecreams after; just to make the taste go away. The mirror maze was another rip-off because they had one of their men inside who used to show us the way; just so that people don’t spend more than 10 minutes inside. This was ironic cause whats the point of a labyrinth when you’d have directions written all over it? The mini-golf was a rip-off from far far away and thus we never ventured in that direction. I laughed my ass out when I reached the so called state of the art go-karting track cause it was a small roadline with weird small cars nearly screeching as they ran with families loaded onto it. And they call this go-karting; way to go, losers! Here on we did not feel like spending a dime more and decided to take off. This left Kuttapi in a fix though because he wanted to go take a dip in the wave pool but it was expensive business. His dad asked him to go take a shower when we reached home. That was funny. Kuttapi wasn’t grumpy though, he just cursed the place along with me. We clicked some pictures to remind ourselves of how much the place sucked and ran for our lives.

Now its not like I love go-karting but the tracks on mysore road called Grips was a lot more fun than this could ever be. I didn’t quite enjoy it as much as the F1 champs Ajay and Rispi neither was I gleefully excited like Chetan was but I was happy to be amongst them and go for a joyride in the small car. I mean, I don’t see the point – why drive a small car when I can roar on an 87 BHP Maruti Swift? Its stupid I thought. Also, go-karting is expensive leisure just as well. Anyhow, the point here is that Innovative film city courtesy Jai (I’m going to kill you when I meet you) and Kuttapi turned to be one of my worst nightmares and these rippers must close it down till the time they complete the work there at least and even after that if they’d really wanna run the place they’d need to build on what they have. Alright, I’m done with my rambling. The thought on my mind right now is – How do we fill the void of someone we loved a lot and lost in the end? Especially when we know that our loss means nothing to them? Grrr, why is it that one glimpse of an old love causes a nostalgic whirlwind which would drown us almost always? How do I get OUT of this once and for all?

-Anup

Innocent love.

I watched this movie yesterday and I desperately wanted to talk about it, especially this one song; which forced me to go rent its DVD. The movie’s name is Subramaniapuram and I’m sure the non-southie crowd wouldn’t make sense out of the language and what it is that they’re saying. No worries, I’ll explain. But please take time to patiently watch the video and keep a close watch on the both of them. Its one of the most cutest songs I’ve seen in a while and it tickled me a lot when I watched it. Now, it needn’t be the same for everyone, but then I’m a helpless romantic *sigh*

The movie is set in the 1980’s and thats why you get to see the bell bottom trousers and the “davani” as we call it in the south. Some others might know it as “pattu pavada” thats what the heroine is wearing and these kind of traditional clothing hit me hard! In a world where less is more these kind of movies and people make me wanna live more! The end result of this movie is pretty tragic though and it tells us about how we shouldn’t trust women! Not all of them at least. They are easily bogged down by family and innocent love can be killed within a few minutes of hard talk! The song is about the girl and the guy, both talking about their love for each other. The guy speaks about her smile, how beautiful her eyes are and how she makes him feel and the girls describing what she sees in him from a distance everyday and how wonderful love makes her feel. She’s falling… Cuteness.

Well, thats all I had for today and I’d like to thank all the people who read here also the people who take time off to comment. I really appreciate the comments. Thats how I get to know about who reads here. Makes me wanna keep writing. So, please, keep it flowing!

-Anup