I’m not quite sure on how to begin writing a letter to you. I guess its because you know almost all of what I feel and you know about everything I do. Sometimes I feel like you’re the reason for my actions. But then, I wish to write and I want to thank you for all the times you’ve been an angel and aided me through all these difficult times. You empowered me to win without struggling and you spoke to me. You smile comforted me even when I thought I was dying. Thats when you bent down to my ears and whispered, “I’ve just begun loving you! Where do you think you’re going?” You radiated affection even though you weren’t close. I could see you glow and I don’t think its a misfortune that I can never be close to you. You were like coming up for fresh air. It felt like I was drowning and you saved me. I never expected you to be around. I know you’d always be there. You’ve been my angel and I can’t love you enough.
I always fall short of words when I think of you and writing to you is an even more difficult thing to do. You already know about my affinity to words and how I love trying my hand at weaving them into something more than just words. You’ve always managed to read through my defenses. You’re one of those very few people who can read me; right off my face and exceptionally well off my words. Now that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t do what I’ve always wanted to do. I’ve always wanted to tell you how thankful I am for always being there and always listening to me. I know that you’d be on my side even if its my fault.
So I’ll move over to what you mean to me and about how much I love you. Now I don’t want to sermonize you and go on writing prose on how awesome you are because I guess I’ve already told you that so many times. Instead, let me make this short, simple and neat!
You held my hands again, tighter this time;
You dived into my eyes, deeper this time;
Your words, silent and comforting.
Your love, pure and mesmerizing.
My time, good and bad; they stem from you,
Your anger gets nasty, but I love you too!
Loving kisses and careless whispers,
I miss you… can’t stop my heart murmurs.
Please don’t go away; I can’t see you leave,
I won’t ask for much of your time,
Just think of me when you can,
Cause I’d be waiting for you in unending grief.
I still see your eyes shine from this far away,
You’re like a diamond in the skies;
And rain clouds like these wont make you go away.
You’d be eternal for me even if you’d say your good-byes…
All I wanted to say is that I love you too;
I wanted to title this entry as “Proud to be mallu – II” but then I had quite a few things to scribble in and the ideas were too varied. Essence of that title being the part where Onam just went by and I felt endearingly close to my family and culture. Physically far away but still so close. The idea of going back to Pune and home thereby seems so alluring. I spent the day with my family in Bangalore which included and are limited to Ravi uncle, Radha aunty, my cousins; Ammu and Kuttapi and granny. I always knew about the fact that Radha aunty would never let me miss home. She’s an amazing cook, a very concerned mom and a very easy person to connect with. I’d always agree that I’m much closer to her than I’m to my uncle.
The day began with breakfast that included something called “Ada” this is made up of rice dough which is stuffed with jaggery, bananas, coconut and then baked. Another version of the very famous malayali rice cakes or “puttu” if you might. The only difference is that “puttu” is baked in powdered form and this here is roughed up and doughed like the dough you’d beat wheat up into to make chappatis. That and cooked up bananas (don’t try to imagine this because non-mallu’s just find this gross and distasteful, but we the mallu’s dig it!) formed the initial part of the breakfast. I then stuffed myself up with chips and some other tasty tit bits! I was so full that I could not move. We then headed to a temple nearby and I prayed my heart out. Here was when I discovered that I’m extremely pious during occasions like these. I smirked when I prayed cause god must know about how busy I am, tssk tssk.
We then got back home and I introduced Kuttapi to Ubuntu; which had already caught his attention when using it at my place. We got it installed and he needed all the programms that I had running. They use BSNL broadband at their place and I realized how much it sucks. I somehow managed to get almost all the important programms installed and asked him to do the rest. I am forgetful and thats something that came to me like an nth-fiddle. I had installed Ubuntu at my place a few months back and I had performed manual partitioning flawlessly but I forgot how to do it and had to google it out. Damn! I dunno, I feel sometimes as though there is a lot of space up in my brains. My memory is unused and its decaying up there. If small things like these don’t stick why do I even have a brain? Pfft. Lunch called and its aroma filled the air dragging me from in front of the computer right upto the table. Radha aunty’s lunch tasted amazing all spicy and full of love. Again, I stuffed myself up and headed home to watch some tv and relax. Which is precisely what I did. I’ve been watching all the mallu movies that TV could show within the last 3 days and I feel closer to who I am when I’m with my people, my language, my movies. I feel owned by malluism!
I couldn’t get much sleep on Saturday after shift since I had to attend the workshop. This time it was arranged to be at this really endearing place called “Alliance Francaise” which I assume was largely to introduce the French language and its culture to people interested. The language, its art and other things falling in its agenda. Also, plays and other forms of creative expressions seemed to be all over the place. It was a green-spot, serene and I loved it there. The ambience is still stuck to my head and I’m not sure if they charged a lot but then this was way better than being at a noisy coffee shop. We discussed play-writing this time and a play-writer called Abhishek spoke to us about his experiences with play writing. It was interesting even though play-writing isn’t one of my things. I enjoyed the whole discussion nevertheless and I’d love to see how people enact these plays when its presented next week. It’d be funny. I can’t act or talk stage for nuts and it’d be really embarassing if I have to! Connecting to people still seems to be a difficult thing for me to do and all I can do for now is try. I don’t want to push myself too hard anyway.
It was raining boredom today cause I had to work the morning shift because of Hemant the dickhead. It was his birthday today and this was why I agreed to work in place of him for today. Anyway, I watched tv throughout the day and slept some. There wasn’t much to do and it was one of those really boring days. Music, writing and tv helped me passed my time as I felt myself starve till like 4. Hunger pangs struck somewhere around this time and I ran over to Radha aunty’s and devoured everything I saw. By that time I was dying for it to be 6 and the final two hours seemed to be the slowest. Finally, I drove down to Ajay’s and we went over to Purple Haze since I was in the mood for some rock music. Chetan was reluctant but then he tries to not say a no to me. Thanks Chetan, we needed you to sing along. Purple Haze was loud but the DJ played some good music along with videos and man it pushed my adreneline level up and I enjoyed being there and head banging to some really nice rock music. I heard a couple of songs that I really liked and I’m listening to them now. Neat place overall, Purple Haze. I heard from a few acquaintances though that it wasn’t as good as it used to be and that its lost its charm. I’m not sure, I liked the place anyway. Chetan said that the repeat the music over and over again, everyday. That’d be annoying to the regulars!
So thats it for today. I’m not too sleepy cause I had some redbull and I feel fresh as ever. Might watch a movie or two and then get some reading done. I fiddled around a bit and found this theme. Its inspired from the devine design of deviantart and I love the way it looks. I really don’t care much about what others feel about this design. Its staying for the time being cause I like it. Might go out with Chetan tomorrow. I had tons more to write, but then I choose not to, cause its pointless. Delhi blasts, over 30 dead. Whats the point in writing about it? Terrorism seems to be something we Indians have learnt to live with! Its no biggie, I guess. “Ohh, a bomb? Cool, how many did it kill this time?” Bastards, what do you get out of this? You kill 30 and within 30 minutes India would have replaced those bodies with different souls somewhere else. You just can’t kill us, you know? We’re like a never ending plague spreading and we’re spreading fast. How many do you think you can kill with your puny bombs? I loathe your existance and your attempts at bringing about an Islamic rule (or whatever the reason be) is futile. We will prevail and one fine day your ways will seize to exist. So suck it up and leave now.
I had these meandering thoughts in my head and I had to get it out. Sometimes the pain of losing love and someone you thought was very important is an abstract loveless feeling that cannot be explained. All you can do is live through it and endure it. A few rambling thoughts…
And here I am… again,
Thinking about a song…
But all I can think about is you;
Trying in vain to forget the bargain,
My tears for your joy,
Wasn’t that an easy thing for you to do?
How long do you think you can run?
From questions and my agony,
How much time do you have left with you?
It’ll dawn upon you someday,
You were everything to me…
To my eyes, you looked brighter than the sun.
You left my hands and you left my side,
When you promised so many times that you wouldnt;
All your lies and fakes smiles,
Isn’t it true that you loved it when I cried?
I was insane and I was mad
I just craved for your love; but you said you couldnt…
Mistakes were made and time was lost,
You went your way and left me alone;
Help me here! How do I fill the void?
What you have now has come to you at my cost.
Into me its spaces that you’ve sown,
Its my love that you’ve killed and I have died.
Then why is it that your ghosts haunt me?
Answer me now! Or else leave me in peace;
I can’t take this pain anymore, don’t you see?
Dreams of a fresh beginning; they seem blurry,
But without you in my head, I see them more cleary…
Call these to be my last words to you;
I will love you forever and there is nothing you can do…
Well now, thats just a fictional little story. Just something that came to my head sometime back and since we have regular power outages here, I just thought I’d type it in. I hope it entertains someone. I won’t lie; my life is beautiful!
I’m pretty sure that I’ve managed to keep this side of me blurry to the eyes of the very few people who can look into my life and examine the way I live it. I’ve always had long detailed discussions with myself and some of those conversations have led me to good times and some others have taken me closer to doom. Whatever the case be; what amazes me is the ease with which I discuss things with myself. Its sometimes as easy as discussing it with a close friend. I’d pretend that I’m someone else and I’m talking to Anup. I question him and review the things he has done and is doing. I expect him to answer and he feels obligated to answer those questions.
The subjects for these kinda discussions have been varied throughout the years and they’ve grown from “How am I supposed to tell mom that the teacher’s put in a red remark in my calendar?” and “Anu!! what have you done? You shouldn’t have used that word, you know that!! Bloody bastard is a very bad word *anger and fright drooping off of me* Sister is going to be mad if she gets to know” Sister here were the nuns at school who taught me. It went onto something more worldly when adolescence dawned. I’ve had times when I told myself, “What a woman!!!” *gazing and drooling at one of my first crushes who walked by in a wrap-around* and to the time when, “Dads going to kill me when he sets his eye on the marks card this time, probably I must escape off to Kerala for a month or two!!” This actually worked during my 12th standard results, hah! I then came down to the golden question, “These are all good people, I’d want to be friends with them! So, what next Anu?” And from there on, its just gotten more and more complex to finally its come to a point where I ask myself, “What the fuck is wrong with you?” and “Who are you?” Makes me sad that I do not like myself as much as I used to and somehow it seems to kill my want to meet people and extend my circle of people close to me.
I was talking to Abhi today and he said a few things which I’d agree to and some stuff thats pure genius and a few other things that were plain shit. Anyway, when it comes to Abhi, I take all that he says. Somehow, it comforts me when it comes from him cause he’s the creator of the Matrix and he must have hidden some kinda code somewhere which breaks the anamoly that I am. Snip:
Anup: Hmmm, you don’t seem to see my point 🙂
Abhi: u r wrong my frnd
Anup: What I’m saying is…
I’m not a shy person as such and I interact with people pretty well.
But I still don’t manage to connect, the way you would or uhm, Ajay would maybe.
Even though he can be quite an ass.
Abhi: c i ll tell u wht
u r a type of guy who thinks he is very polished, and y expect evry1 around u also 2 behave the same way
whras v dont behave like tht
u r just the normalppl
sloppy ppl u can say
and thts wht makes us approachable
dunno if m ale to make u understand wht i mean
Anup: Is it written on my forehead that I’m polished and I expect you to be polished?
Abhi: well.. the way u behave
Anup: What do I do man?
I talk normal to everyone.
Abhi: u just need 2 let go of ur inhibitions
u try 2 judge ppl as soon as u get talking 2 thm, and thn if u dont like a person after the initial talk, u tend to ignore/avoid thm… stop judging ppl…
just go with the flow
Anup: Ahh, well thats correct.
Abhi: and it doesnt hurt 2 try and keep in touch with ppl evn if u r nt frnz
1 sms/call once in a while makes u grow close 2 the ppl around
Abhi: and the ppl around feel good bout u
I always feel better after having spoken to him. He’s straight, to the point and doesn’t beat around the bush. He does exaggerate a bit, but thats ok; thats a part of him we all love! Confuses me a bit. I thought friends happened, but thats not something that seems to be coming my way and like Abhi said, these days, you have to “make” friends, approach people and keep in touch. Sitting in a room and expecting people to come to you just won’t work. Later, cribbing about how lonely, boring and pointless your life has become would just make you look like a fool. Alright, so here’s the deal – Anu, you’ve gotten over some really bad times and getting stuck with yourself now isn’t something you’d want to do. You really need to go on and explore what lies beyond your room. Considering HP to be a very professional workplace and assuming that making friends isn’t all that easy there, its time you pulled up your socks and interacted a bit more with people. Socializing is very important. Haven’t you learnt nothing from Barney?!
Chetan and Ajay come as my saviours and though there are very little grounds on which me and Ajay connect; the lucky thing is, we don’t argue a lot. Just enough to keep things alive and not more than whats required. He loves music and so do I. Plus a lot of other things which makes him the only person I can talk to and feel good about! He’s a very much “me” kinda person where he’d mostly prefer talking about himself and himself only. Now, I wouldn’t say thats much of a problem if you look at it from the brighter side of things, but well, sometimes I feel he needs to give others a chance! Ghek. Chetan and me have no areas of commanality. Our choices, when it comes to music, cloathes and everything else seems to go to opposite ends but we still find a lot to talk about and I totally enjoy his company. He’s one of the most funniest people I’ve met and times flies when he’s around. Ratheesh my earlier commorade has been lost ever since he fell in love and I feel for him! *sigh* you were a brave soldier mate.
Its Onam, on the 12th of September and I think I’m going to enjoy a wonderful treat at Radha aunty’s place. We got Kuttaps a new computer. We here implies that his dad payed and I decided the config. Man, that was fun. Ravi uncle’s face was flooding with dismay when I kept on adding things to the list on which he’d be billed. Come to think of it now, we got an awesome config for approximately 23 grands. Common, talk about awesome – AMD Athlon X2 2.4 Ghz, Asus Nvidia chipset MB, 2 GB RAM, 320 GB HDD, LD DVD combo and an awesome 19″ flatscreen LCD, Viewsonic. Seriously, it was an awesome deal and I’m totally happy about getting it for that price. Kuttapi is on cloud number 9, but he’s lame with security settings and hit himself on his toe as soon as he got the box cause he decided to make some security changes to a game he installed so that his sister wouldn’t access it and that resulted in he locking himself out instead, funny kid. Ahh, its late and I’m hoping to meet Chetan tomorrow cause its my weekly off and he’s working nights. I hope we get to catch up. The workshop is going good and I love being there. The only part that bothered me recently is that my fellow writers were completely oblivious to the power of blogging and public writing. Some were confused about copyrights and the others were worried about their work being stolen. Common guys?! Do you’ll really care? *sigh*
I loved this song more when I actually saw them perform and when I saw it on a huge screen. Somehow, it was much more intense that way and especially since they did a little foreplay to the song before they started playing and thats when Farhan Akhtar involved the entire crowd. Not that it was something new that he did; but it was more about the way he did it.
To translate what the title says – (stuff that I’ve lost) Over the last seven days. I haven’t been writing much and that doesn’t necassarily mean that I haven’t done much since I last wrote. I don’t feel the need to blog about everything I do these days. Now, I don’t know if thats a good thing, but I like it this way. This entry isn’t dedicated to anything in particular. I just had a few episodes to write about. Also, talk about the movies I’ve watched over the last seven days. Hmm, film critics get paid very well; I’ve heard. Columnists who write about how pathetic a movie was gets paid well too (mostly from rival directors and producers) I dunno, might as well get into junk if I wish to make some more money. But then, I’d have to sell my soul – who cares?
So I watched Mumbai meri Jaan on Wednesday with Chetan and I must say that movie was very well made. It was simple and to the point and it conveyed a lot of complex human emotions wrapped up neatly in 5 to 6 odd lives that were put on display. Paresh Rawal and his junior acted well also I loved Kay Kay Menon’s work. He doesn’t look much of a Menon to me though. But he’s awesome! So I guess that certifies him being a Menon ehh? Soha Ali khan was cute but her dialogue delivery and her sad-scene sucked. She just can’t cry now, can she? Maddy was a showpiece and I’d like to forget that part. I like the guy, you know? The rest as all put into place very well and a perfectly little story emerged. Watching it with Chetan added to the fun and luckily the crowd was smaller cause it wasn’t a weekend. I then watched the movie Phoonk (at home) and late in the night. I thought it’d scare me, but I couldn’t believe me eyes!! RGV – you suck. Whats with the whole black magic shit? I mean, seriously? Horror; I understand, but “Kala Jadoo” please no! Guess he should have titled it “Kala jadoo aur boodhi dadi maa” well she was running around all over the place, “tumko dikhta nahi… yeh kala jadoo hai, ram ram!!” and the hero looks at her like, “What the fuck mom? Did you get high on your pills?” The little girl has tried to act well with whatever she got, but then common RGV is really getting into the league of bad movies these days and here goes another one! I guess he’d be thinking, “gayi bhais paani mein” *sigh* the funniest scene of the movie was when the hero and his accomplice reach this super cool baba! Dialogue:
Baba: (Looking at the hero using a leprostic look) Tumhari bitiyan takleef mein hai… tumhari beti! Friend: (Shocked from his spine and ready to cry) Aa..Aapko kaise maloom? Baba: (Smileless smile on his face) Ghatiya sawal mat pooch!!!! (anger in his voice now and thinking to himself; abe, meine script padhi hai, bas kya?)
Hahahaha!! Why O’ why did RGV decide to do this to himself? Sir, if you continue to make moves like this, I’d have to believe that someone has control on your brain and is manipulating you using Voodoo and black magic. What an abysmal display of an otherwise very engorssing subject – Black Magic!
Finally, I watched Rock on! Ajay booked the tickets and I met a sleepy Chetan, a jumpy Ritesh, a usual Ajay and a white Vinay around 9:50 in the basement of Sigma mall. Guess what? Thats where they distribute tickets for the movies which is on the top floor. Do you see what I see here? I wonder what they were thinking when they made this arrangement. Anyway, we finally settled down to watch the movie at around 10:15. Yes, thats right the movie started 30 minutes late and there was a huge crowd out of the cinema hall which nearly choked me. The movie was good. I wouldn’t say its one of the best movies I’ve watched, but it was nice! I liked Farhan Akhtar’s acting and I loved the song – Pichle saat dinon mein. Apart from that the overall music given to the movie was good and the only problem I thought was the part where they stretched the movie a bit. They could have made it shorter and sweeter. So, I’d give this a 7/10. Phoonk gets a 2/10 and Mumbai meri jaan gets an 8.
Coming down to the final and most important thing that happened to me over the last few days. I met a few very talented writers and I was thrilled to be in their midst! Yes, I did sign up for a workshop on creative writing and the first 9 hours with Mr. Vijay Nair and the other guys who came there, my batchmates that is, was fulfilling and I look forward to the coming weeks. Minus of course the session on Shakespear which I really couldn’t enjoy and that I’d say is my personal little problem and I was happy cause the others enjoyed it. The lady who spoke about it was an awesome public speaker and her command over the English language was worth my awe! Also, her vocabulary was way out of my reach and I sometimes found myself running around trying to find a dictionary; but she spoke too fast anyway! I do not have much to talk about it as of now cause it was just one day and I’m sure I’ll discover more as and when I experience more of the workshop and the people. I wrote a few short articles and I felt very good when I read it out later to the class. Also, not to forget the entire class was well spoken and I really needed to meet people like these. More in next.