Meeting strangers hasn’t ever been a big deal and I don’t think its a difficult thing to do. Infact, I’d say its easy cause the person/people you’re meeting don’t actually know you. You have it in your power to form an impression which may possibly be different from the one you’ve made up back with your friends, family and the society in general. This of course is useful only if you know yourself well. Now, I know that hiding what you actually are isn’t the correct way of living your life and it can prove costly later on. The thing here is, you don’t need to necassarily hide parts of you. In my humble opinion, choosing not to unpack information you don’t quite want to share about yourself is something you can do and that shouldn’t be classified as a lie. Its just being smart at the right time. The catch here is, don’t make yourself look worse off than what you already are. Easier then, just be yourself! I was just rambling.
So I met a stranger recently. Well, not really a stranger, but someone I did not know much about. During times like these you have to agree that changes are as welcome as air when you can’t breathe. Meeting new people is an important part of your life cause the more people you meet, the more friends you make. Every stranger you meet won’t exactly end up being your friend. Frequencies should match and then the magical magic bond called friendship should happen and in my case, this takes time. Add to this, my recent encounters with friendship and friends overall hasn’t been quite memorable and I’d like to get over that chapter of my life as soon as possible.
I wouldn’t want to describe much about the episode, but then I wanted to everyone to make note of key facts about life:
Don’t be timid and sit at home, it brings you nothing.
You can’t hide from the world, you’re a part of it.
Meeting new people is fun – go for it!
The auto-guys in Bangalore are the meanest people in the world, try walking.
Do not eat food that hasn’t been covered and has small insects hovering above them.
Green on blue might not be the best choice of colors, people might think its a uniform.
Expensive flats in posh localities make you feel good! Ohh yeah.
Uhm, meeting this new friend and talking on a variety of subjects somehow seemed to do me a world of good and I feel better by the day. She was kind enough to introduce me to a couple of her friends too and show me around her place, which I must say rocked. I guess thats the reason she wanted to show it off in the first place. I mean, I never thought about that side of town. I thought it was some sort of a post apocalyptic wasteland and there’d be no one there. So within a span of 4 hours I was in the midst of total strangers. One stranger and her friends. Now, usually, I wouldn’t tag along; but then in this case, she’s a warm person and her invite was sincere. All in all, I had a pretty good time and I’m happy I did this fun activity.
Rick Wright passed away on the 15th of September and well, I guess, slowly but steadily we’ll start getting news about these greats passing away. Rick was instrumentally involved with the music of Pink Floyd from the time of Syd Barett and its just sad that he’s no more. He was a self-taught pianist, they say and he was a very important part of the band. Its sad that he’s no more. May his soul RIP. So I’ve got class tomorrow and I think we’d be wrapping up with play writing by tomorrow. I’m tired for now, sleep time! Peace out.
I’m not quite sure on how to begin writing a letter to you. I guess its because you know almost all of what I feel and you know about everything I do. Sometimes I feel like you’re the reason for my actions. But then, I wish to write and I want to thank you for all the times you’ve been an angel and aided me through all these difficult times. You empowered me to win without struggling and you spoke to me. You smile comforted me even when I thought I was dying. Thats when you bent down to my ears and whispered, “I’ve just begun loving you! Where do you think you’re going?” You radiated affection even though you weren’t close. I could see you glow and I don’t think its a misfortune that I can never be close to you. You were like coming up for fresh air. It felt like I was drowning and you saved me. I never expected you to be around. I know you’d always be there. You’ve been my angel and I can’t love you enough.
I always fall short of words when I think of you and writing to you is an even more difficult thing to do. You already know about my affinity to words and how I love trying my hand at weaving them into something more than just words. You’ve always managed to read through my defenses. You’re one of those very few people who can read me; right off my face and exceptionally well off my words. Now that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t do what I’ve always wanted to do. I’ve always wanted to tell you how thankful I am for always being there and always listening to me. I know that you’d be on my side even if its my fault.
So I’ll move over to what you mean to me and about how much I love you. Now I don’t want to sermonize you and go on writing prose on how awesome you are because I guess I’ve already told you that so many times. Instead, let me make this short, simple and neat!
You held my hands again, tighter this time;
You dived into my eyes, deeper this time;
Your words, silent and comforting.
Your love, pure and mesmerizing.
My time, good and bad; they stem from you,
Your anger gets nasty, but I love you too!
Loving kisses and careless whispers,
I miss you… can’t stop my heart murmurs.
Please don’t go away; I can’t see you leave,
I won’t ask for much of your time,
Just think of me when you can,
Cause I’d be waiting for you in unending grief.
I still see your eyes shine from this far away,
You’re like a diamond in the skies;
And rain clouds like these wont make you go away.
You’d be eternal for me even if you’d say your good-byes…
All I wanted to say is that I love you too;
Thank you.
I wanted to title this entry as “Proud to be mallu – II” but then I had quite a few things to scribble in and the ideas were too varied. Essence of that title being the part where Onam just went by and I felt endearingly close to my family and culture. Physically far away but still so close. The idea of going back to Pune and home thereby seems so alluring. I spent the day with my family in Bangalore which included and are limited to Ravi uncle, Radha aunty, my cousins; Ammu and Kuttapi and granny. I always knew about the fact that Radha aunty would never let me miss home. She’s an amazing cook, a very concerned mom and a very easy person to connect with. I’d always agree that I’m much closer to her than I’m to my uncle.
The day began with breakfast that included something called “Ada” this is made up of rice dough which is stuffed with jaggery, bananas, coconut and then baked. Another version of the very famous malayali rice cakes or “puttu” if you might. The only difference is that “puttu” is baked in powdered form and this here is roughed up and doughed like the dough you’d beat wheat up into to make chappatis. That and cooked up bananas (don’t try to imagine this because non-mallu’s just find this gross and distasteful, but we the mallu’s dig it!) formed the initial part of the breakfast. I then stuffed myself up with chips and some other tasty tit bits! I was so full that I could not move. We then headed to a temple nearby and I prayed my heart out. Here was when I discovered that I’m extremely pious during occasions like these. I smirked when I prayed cause god must know about how busy I am, tssk tssk.
We then got back home and I introduced Kuttapi to Ubuntu; which had already caught his attention when using it at my place. We got it installed and he needed all the programms that I had running. They use BSNL broadband at their place and I realized how much it sucks. I somehow managed to get almost all the important programms installed and asked him to do the rest. I am forgetful and thats something that came to me like an nth-fiddle. I had installed Ubuntu at my place a few months back and I had performed manual partitioning flawlessly but I forgot how to do it and had to google it out. Damn! I dunno, I feel sometimes as though there is a lot of space up in my brains. My memory is unused and its decaying up there. If small things like these don’t stick why do I even have a brain? Pfft. Lunch called and its aroma filled the air dragging me from in front of the computer right upto the table. Radha aunty’s lunch tasted amazing all spicy and full of love. Again, I stuffed myself up and headed home to watch some tv and relax. Which is precisely what I did. I’ve been watching all the mallu movies that TV could show within the last 3 days and I feel closer to who I am when I’m with my people, my language, my movies. I feel owned by malluism!
I couldn’t get much sleep on Saturday after shift since I had to attend the workshop. This time it was arranged to be at this really endearing place called “Alliance Francaise” which I assume was largely to introduce the French language and its culture to people interested. The language, its art and other things falling in its agenda. Also, plays and other forms of creative expressions seemed to be all over the place. It was a green-spot, serene and I loved it there. The ambience is still stuck to my head and I’m not sure if they charged a lot but then this was way better than being at a noisy coffee shop. We discussed play-writing this time and a play-writer called Abhishek spoke to us about his experiences with play writing. It was interesting even though play-writing isn’t one of my things. I enjoyed the whole discussion nevertheless and I’d love to see how people enact these plays when its presented next week. It’d be funny. I can’t act or talk stage for nuts and it’d be really embarassing if I have to! Connecting to people still seems to be a difficult thing for me to do and all I can do for now is try. I don’t want to push myself too hard anyway.
It was raining boredom today cause I had to work the morning shift because of Hemant the dickhead. It was his birthday today and this was why I agreed to work in place of him for today. Anyway, I watched tv throughout the day and slept some. There wasn’t much to do and it was one of those really boring days. Music, writing and tv helped me passed my time as I felt myself starve till like 4. Hunger pangs struck somewhere around this time and I ran over to Radha aunty’s and devoured everything I saw. By that time I was dying for it to be 6 and the final two hours seemed to be the slowest. Finally, I drove down to Ajay’s and we went over to Purple Haze since I was in the mood for some rock music. Chetan was reluctant but then he tries to not say a no to me. Thanks Chetan, we needed you to sing along. Purple Haze was loud but the DJ played some good music along with videos and man it pushed my adreneline level up and I enjoyed being there and head banging to some really nice rock music. I heard a couple of songs that I really liked and I’m listening to them now. Neat place overall, Purple Haze. I heard from a few acquaintances though that it wasn’t as good as it used to be and that its lost its charm. I’m not sure, I liked the place anyway. Chetan said that the repeat the music over and over again, everyday. That’d be annoying to the regulars!
So thats it for today. I’m not too sleepy cause I had some redbull and I feel fresh as ever. Might watch a movie or two and then get some reading done. I fiddled around a bit and found this theme. Its inspired from the devine design of deviantart and I love the way it looks. I really don’t care much about what others feel about this design. Its staying for the time being cause I like it. Might go out with Chetan tomorrow. I had tons more to write, but then I choose not to, cause its pointless. Delhi blasts, over 30 dead. Whats the point in writing about it? Terrorism seems to be something we Indians have learnt to live with! Its no biggie, I guess. “Ohh, a bomb? Cool, how many did it kill this time?” Bastards, what do you get out of this? You kill 30 and within 30 minutes India would have replaced those bodies with different souls somewhere else. You just can’t kill us, you know? We’re like a never ending plague spreading and we’re spreading fast. How many do you think you can kill with your puny bombs? I loathe your existance and your attempts at bringing about an Islamic rule (or whatever the reason be) is futile. We will prevail and one fine day your ways will seize to exist. So suck it up and leave now.
I had these meandering thoughts in my head and I had to get it out. Sometimes the pain of losing love and someone you thought was very important is an abstract loveless feeling that cannot be explained. All you can do is live through it and endure it. A few rambling thoughts…
And here I am… again,
Thinking about a song…
But all I can think about is you;
Trying in vain to forget the bargain,
My tears for your joy,
Wasn’t that an easy thing for you to do?
How long do you think you can run?
From questions and my agony,
How much time do you have left with you?
It’ll dawn upon you someday,
You were everything to me…
To my eyes, you looked brighter than the sun.
You left my hands and you left my side,
When you promised so many times that you wouldnt;
All your lies and fakes smiles,
Isn’t it true that you loved it when I cried?
I was insane and I was mad
I just craved for your love; but you said you couldnt…
Mistakes were made and time was lost,
You went your way and left me alone;
Help me here! How do I fill the void?
What you have now has come to you at my cost.
Into me its spaces that you’ve sown,
Its my love that you’ve killed and I have died.
Then why is it that your ghosts haunt me?
Answer me now! Or else leave me in peace;
I can’t take this pain anymore, don’t you see?
Dreams of a fresh beginning; they seem blurry,
But without you in my head, I see them more cleary…
Call these to be my last words to you;
I will love you forever and there is nothing you can do…
Well now, thats just a fictional little story. Just something that came to my head sometime back and since we have regular power outages here, I just thought I’d type it in. I hope it entertains someone. I won’t lie; my life is beautiful!
I’m pretty sure that I’ve managed to keep this side of me blurry to the eyes of the very few people who can look into my life and examine the way I live it. I’ve always had long detailed discussions with myself and some of those conversations have led me to good times and some others have taken me closer to doom. Whatever the case be; what amazes me is the ease with which I discuss things with myself. Its sometimes as easy as discussing it with a close friend. I’d pretend that I’m someone else and I’m talking to Anup. I question him and review the things he has done and is doing. I expect him to answer and he feels obligated to answer those questions.
The subjects for these kinda discussions have been varied throughout the years and they’ve grown from “How am I supposed to tell mom that the teacher’s put in a red remark in my calendar?” and “Anu!! what have you done? You shouldn’t have used that word, you know that!! Bloody bastard is a very bad word *anger and fright drooping off of me* Sister is going to be mad if she gets to know” Sister here were the nuns at school who taught me. It went onto something more worldly when adolescence dawned. I’ve had times when I told myself, “What a woman!!!” *gazing and drooling at one of my first crushes who walked by in a wrap-around* and to the time when, “Dads going to kill me when he sets his eye on the marks card this time, probably I must escape off to Kerala for a month or two!!” This actually worked during my 12th standard results, hah! I then came down to the golden question, “These are all good people, I’d want to be friends with them! So, what next Anu?” And from there on, its just gotten more and more complex to finally its come to a point where I ask myself, “What the fuck is wrong with you?” and “Who are you?” Makes me sad that I do not like myself as much as I used to and somehow it seems to kill my want to meet people and extend my circle of people close to me.
I was talking to Abhi today and he said a few things which I’d agree to and some stuff thats pure genius and a few other things that were plain shit. Anyway, when it comes to Abhi, I take all that he says. Somehow, it comforts me when it comes from him cause he’s the creator of the Matrix and he must have hidden some kinda code somewhere which breaks the anamoly that I am. Snip:
Anup: Hmmm, you don’t seem to see my point 🙂
Abhi: u r wrong my frnd
Anup: What I’m saying is…
I’m not a shy person as such and I interact with people pretty well.
But I still don’t manage to connect, the way you would or uhm, Ajay would maybe.
Even though he can be quite an ass.
Abhi: c i ll tell u wht
u r a type of guy who thinks he is very polished, and y expect evry1 around u also 2 behave the same way
whras v dont behave like tht
u r just the normalppl
sloppy ppl u can say
and thts wht makes us approachable
dunno if m ale to make u understand wht i mean
Anup: Is it written on my forehead that I’m polished and I expect you to be polished?
Abhi: well.. the way u behave
Anup: What do I do man?
I talk normal to everyone.
Abhi: u just need 2 let go of ur inhibitions
u try 2 judge ppl as soon as u get talking 2 thm, and thn if u dont like a person after the initial talk, u tend to ignore/avoid thm… stop judging ppl…
just go with the flow
Anup: Ahh, well thats correct.
Abhi: and it doesnt hurt 2 try and keep in touch with ppl evn if u r nt frnz
1 sms/call once in a while makes u grow close 2 the ppl around
Anup: Yeah…
Abhi: and the ppl around feel good bout u
I always feel better after having spoken to him. He’s straight, to the point and doesn’t beat around the bush. He does exaggerate a bit, but thats ok; thats a part of him we all love! Confuses me a bit. I thought friends happened, but thats not something that seems to be coming my way and like Abhi said, these days, you have to “make” friends, approach people and keep in touch. Sitting in a room and expecting people to come to you just won’t work. Later, cribbing about how lonely, boring and pointless your life has become would just make you look like a fool. Alright, so here’s the deal – Anu, you’ve gotten over some really bad times and getting stuck with yourself now isn’t something you’d want to do. You really need to go on and explore what lies beyond your room. Considering HP to be a very professional workplace and assuming that making friends isn’t all that easy there, its time you pulled up your socks and interacted a bit more with people. Socializing is very important. Haven’t you learnt nothing from Barney?!
Chetan and Ajay come as my saviours and though there are very little grounds on which me and Ajay connect; the lucky thing is, we don’t argue a lot. Just enough to keep things alive and not more than whats required. He loves music and so do I. Plus a lot of other things which makes him the only person I can talk to and feel good about! He’s a very much “me” kinda person where he’d mostly prefer talking about himself and himself only. Now, I wouldn’t say thats much of a problem if you look at it from the brighter side of things, but well, sometimes I feel he needs to give others a chance! Ghek. Chetan and me have no areas of commanality. Our choices, when it comes to music, cloathes and everything else seems to go to opposite ends but we still find a lot to talk about and I totally enjoy his company. He’s one of the most funniest people I’ve met and times flies when he’s around. Ratheesh my earlier commorade has been lost ever since he fell in love and I feel for him! *sigh* you were a brave soldier mate.
Its Onam, on the 12th of September and I think I’m going to enjoy a wonderful treat at Radha aunty’s place. We got Kuttaps a new computer. We here implies that his dad payed and I decided the config. Man, that was fun. Ravi uncle’s face was flooding with dismay when I kept on adding things to the list on which he’d be billed. Come to think of it now, we got an awesome config for approximately 23 grands. Common, talk about awesome – AMD Athlon X2 2.4 Ghz, Asus Nvidia chipset MB, 2 GB RAM, 320 GB HDD, LD DVD combo and an awesome 19″ flatscreen LCD, Viewsonic. Seriously, it was an awesome deal and I’m totally happy about getting it for that price. Kuttapi is on cloud number 9, but he’s lame with security settings and hit himself on his toe as soon as he got the box cause he decided to make some security changes to a game he installed so that his sister wouldn’t access it and that resulted in he locking himself out instead, funny kid. Ahh, its late and I’m hoping to meet Chetan tomorrow cause its my weekly off and he’s working nights. I hope we get to catch up. The workshop is going good and I love being there. The only part that bothered me recently is that my fellow writers were completely oblivious to the power of blogging and public writing. Some were confused about copyrights and the others were worried about their work being stolen. Common guys?! Do you’ll really care? *sigh*
