Lost for words.

My titles would probably seem like easy to predict cliches; just like my life. Its obvious that I’m following the Division Bell and I’m obsessed with the music and lyrics made by Pink Floyd. The truth is, I really am lost for words. I find myself beating around the bush when I write in my journal these days. I repeat the same conclusions over and over. I don’t understand myself and I get lost; lost for words.

A few people asked me about why I have not written anything in over 5 days, especially since I had loads of time on me and the weekend passed by too. I’ll admit that it wasn’t the deficiency of time or the will to type, it was just that I was trying to let a few days pass without having to live the never ending cycle of cliches that my life has become. I wouldn’t associate this just to the fortunate experience of losing love but also to the fact that; that grave, life altering encounter with love and women has since then made me hide from people and sometimes from my own self. I try to keep lying to myself that I’m happy and that I don’t need to worry about anything. Its like I wrote to Nids the other day, its difficult being like that. Why can’t I just be sad? Why is it that people have to mock my pain? Tell me that I need to be strong and all of that. Over and over again. They just want to see me happy – or so they say! I wonder how they don’t understand simple knot-theory. You cannot straighten a rope when it has knots. You cannot pretend the rope is straight by pulling it from both ends. You have to shrink it to whatever you can manage within your hands and then undo the knots. Thats when you can pull it to its maximum. Currently, I have a few knots in my life and I’m trying my level best to figure them out and make some good out of myself. I’ll end up suffering more if I push myself too hard. So, to all those people who don’t want to hear me – I’m sorry! I’ll manage.

Manra asked me the other day about why there was no mention about our visit to the 100 ft restaurant and all I could tell him was that there were too many beautiful things in my life and that all of them wouldn’t fit into the 500 MB of hosting I own. I decided to put that in this time though. Manra, thanks a lot for the Italian treat! I loved the starters, the paste and but of course the Mango juice. Its not surprizing that Manra hasn’t changed a lot. He’s still focussed and still adamant of his leadership ways. He has a pretty cut throat way of dealing with people while I have a more cheezy way. Anyway, we all have our own ways. Don’t worry too much Manra, you were a good commorade and a great team mate. We rocked and our names will be written in golden ink for all of DS history at CVG.

I watched a couple of movies recently. One of them was “Journey to the center of the earth” and I realized around a minute ago Golden Sparrowthat I watched the wrong movie. I was supposed to watch the latest one but I watched some shit which wasn’t the real deal. Must go home and get my hands onto the real movie. I hate it when I crap it up with my movies! Sometime back I managed to watch “Aamir” nice movie. Gripping to the end. Sad that Mr. Khandelwal had to die; blown into smithereens. I also watched “The Ruins” uhh, what was that? Ohh and I nearly forgot… I watched “The forbidden kingdom” and “The incredible Hulk” over this weekend. The first one sucked. Common? Whats wrong with those folks? Jackie Chan and Jet-Li; ughhh! Who wins? HAD to be Jet-Li, but then nada, Jackie still manages to come through and finally relive with the Elixir of life. The chinky chick in it looked cute, thats just about it. The Hulk though was extremely entertaining. You know how it is with guys? We like creatures and we like creatures fighting each other and well overall, your typical New York-in-the-hands-of-monsters kinda movie and I liked it. Update: My current weight has dropped down to 83 and I’m proud of the way things are going! Peace out.

A harmony I’m in love with:

[audio:http://www.anup.org/audio/tune.mp3]

-Anup

The ‘move on’ generation.

I’d like to begin with this:

This seems like an advertisement that’d make people giggle or to the least bring a smile on anyone’s face. Its not because the advertisement has a deep meaning but its more in awe for the director of the advertisement and the person who must have designed the whole concept. A break-up has been portrayed without any fuss and with a lot of ease. Now, isn’t this what all of us want? All of us who would want a friend, someone more than a friend, a friend to kiss, a friend to hug and a fuck friend? Something more than that? Nada, move on…

Different people take different routes out of break ups. While most of them might just gather their balls and bags and like fastrack said, move on. Others might choose to ignore the obvious pain that they feel inside of them and live with a smile on their face which is so fake that it’d make even the dog trotting on the road to scoff in pity. A few others would live in bliss and ignore the whole episode as a bad nightmare. They wouldn’t feel anything and yes, they’d relive and be reborn like a raven out of its own ashes. Very few would actually dig into what happened and what went wrong. Why did I lose out on love? Why did I make wrong decisions? What were the wrong decisions? Why did I do these things like this and not like that? A lot of questions need to be answered so that you don’t make the same mistakes again, but then who cares and who bothers ehh? You see the next body you like, you get attracted and the saga begins. Also, I forgot to mention about a very minor sect of people who’d begin a new route whilst they are on one track. Now, these are the kinds who’d betray you for peanuts! These are the kinds who need to shove love right down their own asses and go get what they want – shit on their face.

I’ve seen love failing over and over now, over the past 3 odd years. I have my own story to tell too, amongst all of the broken hearts, I have my own heart too. Not that it matters much, but I’ve learnt a lot and I’m proud that I took time off to think it out of me. I’m happy that I had friends who helped me out. I’m very happy that I did NOT move on… as if the love I had in my heart, as if the person did not exist, the love my heartbeat for; all through the time I was with her. I’m happy that I was human enough to thank god for what I experienced and I cherished every moment of it before I let it go. Actually, I did not let it go, time took it away from me. What annoys me though are ads like these which portray love to be nothing less than a drama done by college kids! We ourselves are vandalizing the next generation of kids who wouldn’t know what it means to be in love. Pfft, god damn media advertisers.

P.S:

Thats what you mean to me Ted!

I’m coming Ted! His best friend needed him. He’s awesome.

A revolutionary.

Am I dead? Ha? Am I dead? What would the world be without him?

The awesomes

Now thats what I call – BRO LOVE!

-Anup

Meandering thoughts.

Its slim – the line between being sad and happy, content and satisfied, busy and lonely. Somehow, I’m sure that most of us think we’re happy, maybe we’re not. What amuses me is the fact to be sure of what you exactly feel and what it is that you need, all you need to do is to ask yourself. What comes as the first thought after you’ve asked the question is your true answer. Answers after that might be encapsulated by various layers of uncertainties, committments and painful boulders of pressure which you have to hold off. What most of us don’t bother about is another fact – there might be other people who’d be affected by our indecision. Some of our words and actions might put those people through a lot of pain and trouble. Being thoughless isn’t a virtue, you know? Being callous and insensitive might seem ok to most, but I can assure you that when you’re on the receiving end, it pains and you would live with its scar forever. It = indecision.

You might begin with simple things… for example, consider you’re this girl and you see this guy, he’s nice; but you also see this other guy, who you like more. So, the first guy, lets call him A, at this point isn’t sure of whats on your mind. Briefly, you’re this girl – S and you meet two guys, A and M. You like M to begin with and later you meet A through him. You talk to both of them every now and then. You begin liking both, might happen, you know? But you like M more. So, you S, try to strike it up with M. M somehow doesn’t notice that he likes you as well. He’s confused because there’s this other guy (his friend) who likes you! So, M tries to be that ever forgoing friend who gave up his love/liking for his friend. He tells S a story about some other girl he used to like. So, if you’ve seen what happened, you, S like M. I hope its clear upto here. Now, since M seems to be confused, you get confused and you’re not sure of what to do. Thats when A comes into your life. You then realize your need to have a “boy friend”. All thise while M hasn’t gone anywhere. Now before M could say or do anything, S managed to strike it up with A and they’re together and apparently in everlasting love not bound by any laws of “friendship” because there wasn’t any time to get friendship going.

Soon S realizes that A is not the guy and she is confused. What would you have done at this time? S realized her confusion within 4 months of being with A. Now, wouldn’t it be easy for her to let go off A rather than stick with him and try to play the game? Just to verify if what she feels is right or wrong, or so you say. Moving on, S is still attracted to M and she doesn’t know what to do. So, what would you do when you’re confused about an apparently blooming relationship? Tell A about what you feel and go on to do what you feel like doing (even if it means killing him) or would you lie about your feelings, say the fake “I love you’s” accept all the love that A has to give and then finally not feel any love for him anyway? What would you do, huh?! Going on, would you discuss your misery with M? Who by that time realizes that its A who has S and not his friend. So, all his feelings for S come gushing to his heart (sweet!) Would you S, then start discussing possibilities of you and M getting together, when you’re still in love with A, or so you lie! Ever so effectively. How much more of an imbecile can you be? Or stepping into M’s shoes for a minute – would you as M, a close friend of A stab him a few times after knowing what he feels for S? What would you do? Or, lets come to the most coolest part… would you as S, call A a psycho, a madman instead? Why? Cause he threatened you S, that he’d kill himself if you’d destroy him like this. Well, he’s a psycho! So, you’d get scared, huh? Discuss how he loves you a bit too much for you soak up and then move to fresh  spunge bob, M; instead? In the end, would you S, fuck up his life, leaving him bleeding and mourning forever, because you feel, NOW, that you’d be better off with M! Now, what if I say, that; thats precisely what you did… what would you call yourself then? I’d call you a line, a slim line between everything in my life. I’d call you indecision. Good bye to you and all the bad things you brought along. I do not care anymore. You cannot hurt me anymore. You’re nowhere. You don’t even own a place in the section of my brain thats used for hatred. You may leave, both of you’ll – love and friendship. I don’t even hate you’ll. So, am I close enough? Did you’ll get the slim line, huh?! So many chances to make the right decision, but then, the wrong one made instead? Do you see how puny humans can be?

That being said, I’ll move on to something more precise, something I found today and somethings outright awesome:

http://ana46.blogspot.com/2007/02/ghost.html

Thats an insanely beautiful song by Ana and I totally love it. But thats a gift for the departed. You’re a hole in my heart that I’d fill within no time. Did I not love you? I did. I loved you very much, but then, do you know what it means, huh?! You just tolerated me. Loser; not me, certainly not me. I loved, I gained. You lost. HIMYM

To my right here is one of my favourite shows the most funniest sitcom ever. I have always hated F.R.I.E.N.D.S mostly because it was too darn popular. But this one, I can’t stop loving HIMYM. It unfortunately, began as a thing between us friends, but now I enjoy it alone. I somehow am happy laughing to Barney’s jokes all alone. I can’t explain how awesome these guys are. Marshall and Lily (the pair on the door ledge) are my idols when it comes to being a couple! They seem to fit in so very perfectly. Like Marshall says, love should be easy after a certain point in time. You shouldn’t need to try. Well, I love the way they’ve balanced the whole thing up. Barney, without doubt is the guy who steals the show. He is witty, quick and his jokes are phenomenally funny.

Ted is stupid, but he’s the story telling charecter and he understands Barney’s jokes… so I guess he’s cool too. Robin (Cobie) is beautiful, stunning I might add and I love the way she smiles. Marshall and Lily as I already described are the coolest pair ever and they’re cute almost all the times. A must watch for all those who haven’t seen it yet.

An update: Season 3, Episode 16, Barney finally hits a 12’er. He and Robin start making out. Thats crazy! I can’t wait for 17 to come up next week. This can’t be happening. Well, I know, its the United states of America. Its perfectly ok to sleep with your friends girl friend and just apologize the next morning and maybe he’d smile about it all and forgive you. Well, its happening in India too, you see? We’re still advancing. Coming to the point, this can’t be happening! Robin, please!? Well, more in next. I’m tired.

-Anup

Proud to be mallu.

People’s ignorance makes me furious. Stupidity is ok with me; infact, its cute most often than not. What annoys me is that they speak without having a clue. Imbecilic fools – I find them everywhere I turn. Anyway, what would I call myself? I still seem to waste myself chatting in IRc rooms and then the things that people dump in there troubles me. I can’t ask for more from them, can I? I’ve always been in wrong company but IRc somehow, always seemed to be a place that made me happy and thats the reason I still go there.

So, the conversation I had with one of my fellow chatters was about mallu’s. It ran something like this:

•02:23:58• (Anup) I’m am mallu re…
•02:24:12• (@X-Chatter) what Anup u r really a mallu??
•02:24:21• (Anup) X-Chatter: haan…
•02:24:23• (Anup) Kyu?
•02:24:32• (@X-Chatter) hmmm to fir tumse door rehna padega
•02:24:40• (Anup) X-Chatter: kyu? err…
•02:24:55• (@X-Chatter) mallus are the most selfish ppl i have ever met
•02:25:01• (Anup) *gulp*
•02:25:21• (@X-Chatter) i dont know u so i wont comment on u but…
•02:25:48• (@X-Chatter) i have had a terrible experience with mallus i have met
•02:25:58• (Anup) X-Chatter: you probably did not meet the right kind of mallus.
•02:26:00• (Anup) And selfish?
•02:26:02• (@X-Chatter) still u will be a mallu…..
•02:26:10• (@X-Chatter) ya may ne u r right Anup
•02:26:10• (Anup) Thats too harsh a comment to a very huge population.
•02:26:16• (Anup) Generalizing is never good anyway 🙂
•02:26:33• (@X-Chatter) i have had such experiences… so my mind is set that way..
•02:26:44• (@X-Chatter) lets see if u change my thinking or i m proved to be correct
•02:26:51• (Anup) lol… its perfectly ok.
•02:26:59• (Anup) Are nahi yaar… why do I need to change your mindset?
•02:27:17• (@Y-Chatter) I hate mallus for making really bad quality pr0n
•02:27:33• (@X-Chatter) y coz i said that i hate mallus??
•02:27:50• (Anup) X-Chatter: yeah, maybe… cause people who hate mallu’s they hate them so bad that they keep off.
•02:28:01• (Anup) But I’m ok with me being a mallu. I love the language and I’m a mallu to the core.
•02:28:03• (@Y-Chatter) shakeela & those women with thunder thighs…… arghhhhhhhhh
•02:28:06• (@X-Chatter) no Anup i m not that bad…
•02:28:27• (@X-Chatter) thats what i said mallus are typical mallus.. kuch bhi kar le
•02:28:24• (@Y-Chatter) talking about mallus… here’s a joke
•02:28:31• (@Y-Chatter) why do mallus not kiss while making out??
•02:28:59• (@Y-Chatter) they are busy holding their lungis between their teeth
•02:30:26• (@X-Chatter) but i hate them for their selfish mentality…
•02:31:02• (@X-Chatter) coz all the mallus i have met are the same
•02:31:11• (@X-Chatter) in my office 80% are mallus..
•02:31:35• (@X-Chatter) they will just make their ppl up .. and other ppl inspite of sloggin are left like that
•02:31:57• (@Y-Chatter) the usual mentality… I have noticed it too
•02:31:59• (Anup) X-Chatter… its PERSON specific… not language specific.
•02:32:00• (+Dorabjee) yea dats correct n i agree wit X-Chatter.. dey carry deir public evrywher.
•02:32:00• (@X-Chatter) u know my TL is a mallu…
•02:32:05• (@X-Chatter) n hes sick
•02:32:42• (@X-Chatter) they have to speak in their language even in office…
•02:32:49• (Anup) X-Chatter: so that makes them selfish?
•02:32:51• (@X-Chatter) jaise koi bahot secret bol rahe ho
•02:32:59• (@X-Chatter) yes it does…
•02:33:57• (Anup) lol.. seriously, but I still love the language and the people.
•02:34:04• (Anup) But then, its always been the problem of people…
•02:34:08• (Anup) They can’t take the success of others.
•02:34:16• (Anup) Mallu’s adapt and they live anywhere and everywhere.
•02:34:20• (Anup) We just flourish.
•02:34:58• (@X-Chatter) ya u flourish pushing someone behind….
•02:35:06• (@X-Chatter) some person who deserved to be there
•02:35:08• (Anup) X-Chatter: well, everything is fair in love and war girly.
•02:35:16• (Anup) And life these days, is a war.
•02:35:20• (Anup) A war to success.
•02:35:33• (@X-Chatter) i dont agreee
•02:35:40• (Anup) Yup, you’re only human.
•02:35:44• (Anup) And I’m not asking you to agree either.
•02:35:45• (@X-Chatter) if u have that capability.. .to apne dam pe aao na aage…
•02:35:55• (@X-Chatter) chaat chaat ke kyu aate ho
•02:35:57• (Anup) Selfishness is a person to person trait.
•02:36:02• (@X-Chatter) majority of them are this way
•02:36:47• (@X-Chatter) coz jitne bhi mallu mere palle pade hai sab aise hi hai…
•02:37:16• (@X-Chatter) and u know Anup mallus are the biggest flirtsss
•02:38:36• (@X-Chatter) forget it… u be happy being a mallu
•02:38:45• (Anup) I’m totally happy 🙂
•02:38:48• (@X-Chatter) and i m happy with my views…
•02:38:54• (Anup) Are X-Chatter ji… I’m not asking you to change your views.

I’m sorry for getting this in here, but then I’d like to ask; how do you generalize like this? You met a couple of bad people and that gives you the license to talk eblish crap about an entire community. I’d like to condemn a lot of sections of my society if that were the case. Its simple things like these which make you stand out in a crowd. Its about how your heart, mind and most importantly your brain communicate with each other. What you speak should be a potent combination of all three, I feel. But then, these days, people take pride in being mean, rude and insensitive. The better they get at this the better they feel about themselves. And then, they’d call themselves “straightforward” stupid word, but I guess it does the trick.

Coming back to what I wanted to say, I feel awesome being a mallu. I’ve been a Maharashtrian all my life, I’d say. I’ve lived in Pune, Maharashtra for 24 years, thus the values I have is a mix of both Mallu and Marathi cultures. I love both the languages and I feel very happy when I speak in either one of them. I feel more comfortable speaking English or Hindi though and thats ok. These are the most used languages in India and I had to be better at these since I use them both in my everyday life. Some goods things I’ve got to say about myself. No self flattery, but, I’m not selfish. I’d do whatever I can to see my loved ones smile. I’ve never done anything inappropriate to be promoted at work, figuratively; I’ve done nothing wrong for professional success. And I’m an overall nice guy. Minus the looks of course. Good looks, you know? So, I’m proud of being a mallu and no, you don’t need to deal with it, so yeah, buzz off.

-Anup

More Nostalgia.

Have you ever had those times? Times where you can’t stop yourself from thinking about the days that you just lived. Nostalgia that you just can’t avoid. However hard you try and however much you tell yourself about how strong you are and about how you must live through this; sometimes, don’t you have times where you end up crying for what you’ve lost? Don’t those really nasty environmental variables make you sad and angry at the same time? Also, does it ever happen that the nightmares you’ve tried to avoid seem to rain down upon you like Gods wrath? A funny feeling that you may experience during times like these might be the weirdish tingle in your stomach about the direction in which your life’s moving. You might feel helpless; unsure about the turns you need to take, unsure about the decisions you need to make. Most often than not, during times like these the number of dilemma’s in your head would seem to double. Well, I’d like to announce that this is a fairly common experience and the easiest way to deal with it is to let it take over you – just like fear, you know? The more you try to fend it off the more it’d trouble you. Let it come, doggy-fuck you and leave. Trust me, once its done with what it wants to do with you, it’ll go. There are others too… I’m sure. Others who’d need to experience sadness. The emotion thats closest to man. We all know why. The reason’s pretty simple – Man is the only animal that has a hole in his heart. An abstract rather invisible and invincible hole which makes him shallow. This hole makes him to want more, crave for more than he deserves. It makes him desire. Its the reason we’re human beings.

So, whats your point fatso? What I was trying to convey here was that things get better if you absorb what life has to give you rather than take it forcibly. No, I’m not a believer in Karma, cause that theory doesn’t seem to have a base. What you do comes back to you? Uhm, no; not always and I’m sure about this. What you sow, so shall you reap? Yeah, stupid, its grain and its science, water and life. You will reap what you sow, no biggie. Running back to where I started… Nostalgia. This is precisely what makes us stronger and I say look it in its eyes. If what you fear seems to come to your thoughts over and over again, stay, and don’t move. Don’t struggle. Think about the life you’ve lived. Think about all what you’ve felt – big things or small, just think about all of them. It could be something as small as someone tell you that he/she loves you very much. Else, it could be someones smile, a hug, a conversation or plainly put the warmth of people who made your life good. Not to forget, the painful memories – Lies, betrayal, love and reasons for why things happened; things that made you sad.

Well, I’ve been extremely nostalgic over the last two days. I must associate this to the fact that I’ve been alone throughout the week since I’m covering the nights at work. I don’t get to meet Ratheesh, Avi or any of the other guys I used to talk to. This, thus, gave me a lot of time to think to myself and sometimes think out loud. Well, the thinking out loud part has put me into embarassing situations once in a while. Like, I’d be walking down the corridor, talking to myself as usual or sometimes I’d be talking to god and there’d be people passing by looking at me; searching for a bluetooth device or a wire that’d be transmitting my voice! Funny. I’d realize later that I got stared at by numerous people. Guess its ok. Who cares? I love talking to myself and I will continue to do what I like. The simplest lesson I’ve learnt is that the easiest way to lose a bout of depression is talking to yourself, telling yourself that the past is behind me and that I need to move on. Talking to myself helps me to understand, analyze and accept. Acceptance is the most important part of all of this. Like I said before, the more you’d wait for a change or for something to happen, the lesser are the chances of anything good to happen. Let there be hope, but don’t sit and wait for things to happen just cause you have hope. Moving ahead and living your life to the fullest is important, they say. I don’t know why they’d say – Live your life to the fullest. Can anyone ever live a different life? We’re all going to live our lives the way we’re supposed to.

Apart from the fact that I’m getting more and more efficient at ranting random bullshit, I’ve got my classes – CCNA going on in full swing and I must say, I love these classes. The concept really drives into my head and I seem to enjoy the class. I make good notes (I never made notes in college) and I read after I come back home. All of these things scare me. Have I become my old self? No use worrying. Gymming and dieting feels absolutely awesome. I’ve lost my headaches and trust me when I say, I’ve lost 3.5 kgs in 12 days. So, I’m sure that I’m going to lose all of the extra fat on my body and I’m going to be fit. Today is Sunday and it so happened that I slept throughout the day on Saturday, thus I couldn’t sleep the night and now I’m sleepy. I really don’t want to ruin my Sunday, so I’d probably hit the sack right now and try to wake up before the 11:30 AM mallu movie. Must end now.

-Anup

Insomnia; amongst other problems.

I’ve been wondering for the past hour or so now, about why it is that I’m awake. I saw a nice movie, it got over late and I know its Saturday night, but the thing is; Ratheesh who is here with me hit the bed and began snoring 40 minutes back. He took approximately 12 minutes to go into deep slumber. Well, thats something I really envy a lot of people for – Sleep. Sneha sleeps so peacefully, no worries, she looks so fresh when she wakes up. I’ve been telling myself that I’ve been sleeping enough, but I know that I’ve been doing a shitty job at giving myself some rest. Rest for my brain and heart which do not stop thinking and working. I’m worried about myself.

Anyway, last week went as expected… fruitless, pointless, jobless and yes overall it was another week I’d forget. Like the week never happened. I took a day off on Friday and decided to spend some time with my cousin. I adore him and the way he takes things so easily. Guess its just the beginning and he’s going to have to deal with a lot of shit. Shit thats coming his way fast and with a lot of thunder. Well, good that he has me around to help him out *winks* so yeah, we spent the entire day playing games and talking. We decided to watch a movie and he picked up the most disgraceful movie ever made – Alien Vs Hunter. Hell yeah! there’s a movie with that name, go check it up. Trust me, its nothing less than utter crap. It was nearly as good as you and me wearing masks and running around pretending to be aliens. We decided to cut the crap and get back to gaming. After this I went off to meet Ratheesh and Avi for dinner. It was Ratheesh’s birthday on the 28th and I got wet in the rain on my way back. Bangalore rocks – rains whenever I feel sad *winks again*

Ratheesh returned with me and I’m happy that I’m not alone over the weekend. He’s a chirpy fellow who keeps talking and never lets me roam onto nostalgic, burnt patches of my thoughts which would just make me sad. I went and picked up Deepak from forum (I have no clue why!) I guess I should have asked him to take a rick or something; he isn’t a chick you see. Well, maybe next time. So, I picked him up and we watched a mallu movie together. Together, technically, yes. Deepak dozed off on the bed midway. Ordered some shitty food, watched some more movies, Ratheesh made some weirdish, tea-ish kinda thing which we drank and then we hit the roads again! Roamed around in forum, dropped Deepak home, had dinner and came back home. We then watched a mallu movie which totally rocked and I’m currently in a malluish mood full of mallu thoughts (No! I know what you’re thinking and no, its not porn!) well a lot of thoughts and emotions in me that make me a mallu seemed to resurface and I like it. I also realized my long lost love for Karnatic music. I actually like it a lot, the way they sing and express complex mallu words and syllables.

Thats it then and I was supposed to sleep an hour ago, but I still can’t sleep. I roamed around on orkut for a while, got bored and thought of writing in. I’m still not sleepy, so some music maybe and then eventually; I hope my tired eyes give way to a few hours of rest. The music that I listen to like an OCD patient are – Rabbi Shergil – Kitni der tak, Atif Aslam – Meri Kahani, KK – Aasman ke and Teri yaadein – Love story. I know! I need to do something about my unending want for love and romance. I feel stupid sometimes about the way I feel about these songs. A lot of people seem to float around me and these songs make me happy. Crazy shit, I must sleep now. Another day in paradise comes to end.

-Anup

Bangalore traffic – An Irony.

On a journey!I somehow dislike the current shift I’m working in. For some, its a dream shift; 2 PM to 11PM. This means, you can sleep on time and wake up late. I’d really prefer the morning shift, you know? It lets me do a couple of things I like doing, like take a long shower early in the morning right under the shower – cold water falling on me. It kind of helps me a lot. It wakes me up, forces my brain to start thinking and makes me shiver a bit. I like the cold feeling. Its weird, they say, but then thats what I like. Once thats done, I get into my car at around 5:30 and race down Nice Road, which leads straight to my office. I touch a whooping 140kmph and it makes me feel good. Let the glasses down and feel the cold wind against my face, listen to music and zoom down. Then, the walk from the car park to my desk is extremely refreshing. Catch up some hot breakfast and tea and settle down for another cliche-filled day!

As of now, its kind of complicated – I have to bear up with the wrath of the sea of vehicles at 2 in the afternoon when I’m sleepy. But the irony here is, I don’t mind that either. Usually, people get annoyed and they put their vehicles into all kind of funny positions on a small road. People just can’t make up their mind. Assume that you’re going south and there is traffic thats moving from your opposite end. You can SEE the huge trucks coming at you and trust me, you can see it very clearly. Even after this, you’d find uncles and aunties and youngsters and kids push their vehicles; of all sizes mind you, to a new level of stupidity. They’d make rows and rows, they’d overtake when they shouldn’t, they’d travel over footpaths and bump into pedestrians and start a word fight, you’d find them falling into holes and ditches and man, I find it all funny and it makes me giggle. I manage to find a truck and I stick to it till it takes me to my destination. I’ve noticed, the more you try to go ahead, the more you end up being late. Just hang on and you’ll reach there eventually.

What peps me up is the fact that I can listen to the radio throughout – 94.3 FM, whatte fun! The station for the fatafat generation. I’m not sure why, but I like that station a lot. They seem to play all the songs I like and I love the RJ’s there. Most of all, I love the way they include Kannada into English and Hindi. That way, I can relate to the words and thus, slowly teach myself some Kannada. Now, since I’m very sure that this is going to be the city which I’d base myself in, I’d like to learn some Kannada. On rare occasions though, they play songs from “Jodha Akbar” and that kinda ticks me off. For those few occasions I have a CD full of my favourite English tracks; well, so overall, I like the music filled alone time I get in my car. I think a lot, mostly about stuff that I shouldn’t think of, but then, I’m cracked up a bit, so those thoughts aren’t going to go off easy. I forgive myself for it, cause what I felt wasn’t small. The good thing here is that I also think about things that are really important to me right now. Uhm, maybe like educating myself some more? and of course, questions like, what next? Friends? Family? My car? My house? Music?! Loads of things. I get a solid 45 minutes to an hour to think hard. And how do I forget about Shamraajpeth Charles and Nammu Rajni saaru! Two charecters I love a lot from Radio one 94.3 FM!

So, you mean you don’t get enough time at home? Well, no, I don’t. My home schedule is kind of restricted to a few things because of which I don’t get a lot of time to think. Most importantly, I spend very little time at home if I don’t have a movie to watch or a game to play. I end up going to my aunts place where I’d talk with her and my cousins. The kiddo (my cousin brother) is someone I like a lot. Mostly because he reminds me of the way I was. That kind of scares me actually and I hope that he finds the right way, instead of the highway; no worries though, he’d find me there! From what he’s told me all his Class Xth exams have been good, if not awesome. I’m sure he’ll do well. So, yes, I talk to the kids, talk to my Aunt, who is just like mom, but an extremely interesting conversationalist. Someone to whome you can talk and feel like an adult and a kid at the same time. Someone who wouldn’t let you win just cause you’re a kid. Someone who’d argue and fight for small things and at the same time make you feel important. Overall, I feel very happy when I’m there. I come home to play, sleep, TV and clothes. Ohh, and how do I forget – my cars there. I’ve got parking which is very important when you’re in Bangalore.

I met an old friend over the weekend and I’m very happy about meeting her. She thought I was a “stupid” little boy lost in love and referred to me as “stupid” a million times. It did not annoy me though. It just made me feel that I’m ok! So, yeah, I spoke to her and another friend of mine for some time on the phone and I am extremely pleased to announce that either he’s very good with voices or I’m an influential person; but after 3 years of absence, he still seemed to know who I was as soon as I spoke the first word! Man, was I happy! I guess I’ll meet him soon and maybe we’ll have an oldies get together of sorts. It’d be good.

Well, thats it for the weekend and my love for a radio station. The baseline here is, however much people say that Bangalore is falling down the hole, I still love this place and hey, I don’t mind the traffic! The ones who loathe this place might as well just take their asses and LEAVE!

-Anup

Random bullshit.

So what if you’ve loved me, she asked.
So what if you’ve given me the things you say you have…
You never gave me what I really wanted; she continued.
I wanted freedom, why couldn’t you just let me be, she went on.
And on she went, ranting about how I was a jailor,
She felt like a prisoner… she lamented!

I pleaded to know what it was that I did wrong,
Why did she hate me so much? thats all that I asked her,
I don’t need to answer you, she flared up, hot in flames nearly,
She asked me not to yell or I wouldn’t hear from her;
Ohh no! that just meant that she would never talk to me again.
It was coming anyway, I thought and continued to question her…
Like an ass who couldn’t hold on to his dignity.
Pfft, there isn’t much left now anyway, is there Anu?

I continued to tell her what I felt and how all of what happened hurt me,
You are always hurt and crying anyway, she replied callously.
Did you make an attempt to help me, I asked.
Here is where she gave her regular list of “OHH NO!! things” that I did.
-You broke my aspirations.
-You gave me nothing but things.
-You annoyed me with your phone calls and messages.
-You are annoying.
-You took away my friends.
What? Ok. Anything more? I am still trying to look for a reason…
She was quite for a while and sighed a heavy *sigh* and said;
I did what I did cause I felt like,
And if I did wrong and like you say, Gods watching, isn’t he?
Well, I’d let him punish me, not you.

The call ended here and she was brave enough to write to me,
She said she wanted me to “let her be”
And she doesn’t want to talk to me.
Finally, words which mean nothing to me, apologies.
I did not brood over what happened from there on.
I’d rather write than think, sets my mind free.
Or maybe its just something I feel…
Complex human emotions, love, hatred, lust, greed, selfishness; I saw everything.
I’ve experienced a human side in two people,
that would otherwise have never come out.

Love isn’t fair, and out of experience I can say, you have to be plain lucky.
What has to come to you, will.
It might go all over the place, but in the end, its coming to you.
Whats not yours will never be.
You’ll see a mirage and you’ll live in a dream,
But one fine day, the dreams going to break, like a brimming soap bubble.
The remaining bubbles full of soap will fall into your eyes.
If that annoys you – let it not! Continue…
You just can’t quit living; damn, that sucks!
I realize now, I’m so tired…

-Anup

R.I.P love.

BRLife seems to have come to a screeching halt after love ended. I’ve been staring at this wall of uncertainty for ever now; expecting that “invisible” turn which people say exists to turn visible for me. I desperately need to move my hands and legs. Take the turn and continue my life. Its not that I wish to be like this. Its as I explained to all my close ones (people who keep trying to help me out) my heart just wanders off. Its not that I am trying to think of her or the gorgeous seconds we spent, apparently as a pair in endless love. Thoughts flow and then I just cant stop myself from pitying myself. Self pity sucks! I know. I really want to help myself, its just that I’m waiting. I know that I’m probably sounding like a lovestruck fool with all heart and no brain, but thats incorrect again. The heart depends on the brain for flashbacks, you know?

For you, luvey:

Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back
when you hang up on him, who will stay awake just to watch you sleep.
Wait for the guy who kisses your forhead, who wants to show you off to
the world when you are in your sweats, who holds your hand in front of
his friends, Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how
much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you. Wait for the
one who turns to his friends and says, “…that’s her.”

So, she is gone and I’ve quit running. R.I.P love I don’t want you to ever happen to me again! I also know that I must stop writing about love, her and other things related to her on this blog, its high time that I wrote about more productive stuff, like technology. I really want to do that. Write about something which has meat in it. I’m going to try and do that, but not now. I think its high time I went into hibernation for a few days, weeks, months… hope it doesn’t grow into years! Anyway, its time for a hiatus. I’ll be back, later, maybe!

And I thought about it again, going away and not writing that is! Do I really need to do all this? Trouble myself for no apparent fault of mine? I’ve sulked enough and seriously, I don’t feel half as bad as what I used to, like maybe 2 weeks ago! So, probably all I need is time and I’ll get there. I’m going to hang on tight and let myself continue downhill for some time more. I’m sure and ohhh, I assure you’ll – all you guys who love me and have been with me throughout, that I’ll climb back again and I’m sure that I’ll do well. Infact, much better. I’ll surely write more regularly and yes, I will complete that section on people very soon. Promise.

-Anup

P.S: I found Faith. And ohh, Maroon 5 is nice.

Freedom

I feel at peace when I write this. Please. Let there be no misconceptions that I have attained freedom from life (even though thats what I thought was better until a couple of days ago) I have attained freedom from fear! A fear, a constant feeling that has been haunting me from 2 and a half years now. A fear of losing someone very important to me. And here’s the truth; I have lost her.

What keeps me calm right now is the fact that I haven’t done what I said I’d do – kill myself. I really couldn’t do that. Quite a few reasons; I am not a coward, I have people who look up to me and I have one hellova family who really stood by during the last few very troublesome days. Moreover, my friends, I have a couple I could mention – Abhijit and Muiz. These guys just held me throughout. Listened to me spill it out and finish it. I have puked it all out. Now, its void. No hate and there surely is no love.

Freedom

I am pretty sure that there would be no remorse from my other half. She is calm, very peaceful and currently sleeping. Like she says, “You have not known me” I wish I wouldn’t have known you! I just wish. The injury is done, I feel its pain and it’d probably go. What remains is me being scarred for life. I dedicate the entire album – The Division bell, by Pink Floyd to her and to the situation I am in. Its just perfect. Adding one of the songs in here:

[audio:http://www.anup.org/audio/take.mp3]

Anyway, she has ended something that she should have ended long time ago. Considering her to be more mature out of the two of us (or so she says!) What bothered me was the way in which she ended it. I totally agree that I’ve been obsessive about her and that I’ve probably overburdened her with love. This is a very common mistake and a lot of guys do it. What this deserves is a break up, a heartbreak and if that results to death, its ok! At least be true and tell him that you do not wish to be with him. Is it better to hide what you feel, give him wrong hope and then after a long time, a time when he thinks he cant live without you; you kill him anyway? Is this justice?

People who heard the story said that we both have been at fault. I’m just going to agree to them and shut the fuck up and move on. I know, there is no other way, but… could I have tried harder? Could I have done anything to make her stay? Guess not. I tried my best. My very best and even though she does not see it, I gave a lot to the both of us. Time, patience and everything else. I really can’t see what came from her side. Except for tolerance though. She tolerated me. I agree. What was ideally required was for her to help me. She never tried.

So, freedom be to her and to me. May she do very well in whatever it is that she does. May she live well with the new light in her life and may god bless her. I’m not trying to be good. Its just that… I still love her. I can’t talk my heart out of it. He just doesn’t listen. Anyway, I’m ready to relive. Time to end the fear and time to accept my freedom. Thanks for all that you’ve given me luvey. I’d be forever, indebted to you.

Her gift to me just before Valentines, oh yes, this was it:

Rip my heart out and walk away…

-Anup