Nostalgia, a visit.

A couple of really awesome one’s someone gave me some time back:

Your tears fall
Right on my heart
It hurts me more than you
To see you fall apart

I want no love
That causes you pain
Ill try to stop you from crying
Though it might be in vain

Your agony kills me
Why cant I soothe it
I have only upset you
It makes my heart split

==============================

Thank you for you: for who you are,
However far away;
And for the words you send to me,
Near mad for what you say.
Knowing simply that you’re there,
Yet thinking much of me,
Opens up my happiness,
Undone for all to see.

I can’t thank her enough for giving these words to me. She knows, I’m sure; about how thankful I am that she stuck by and also of how much I adore her. Once again, thanks a lot and I miss you.

It was an uneventful day, just like yesterday. Work-home-work, repeat. The only thing that changed was that the oil prices did finally shoot up and I ended up paying Rs 58 for a litre worth petrol. I remember buying petrol when it was Rs 30 a litre. Dad smirks then; I remember paying Rs 5 a litre, now scoot! I wonder why he treats me like rubbish. Anyhoo, thats a mystery I don’t have time to unravel. Its already 4 AM and I’m tired. Watched a mallu movie just now. Srinivasan is an awesome actor, have to say. Mammotty and Mohanlal take away all the awards though and it makes me feel sad that they do. Fuckers must die; like Harrison Ford and Richard Gere.

Additionally, I’m not sure about whats wrong with me. I ate 4 huge baigambilly mangoes. Crazily sweet but huge! Seriously, they were very big mangoes. I ate them all in 4 hrs. Not bad ehhh? Guess its ok, I burnt around 1000 calories in the gym today. And fruits = any quantity is what the doctor said. Good ehh? Gym; ahhh. On its note, I notice this really cute romantic phase in progress in there these days. There’s this body builder, very lean body and totally awesome looking. Like the guy with the perfect looks for any girl. Tall, dark and handsome with a killer bod, thats what you want, don’t you, girls? So this girl, she comes to gym everyday and works out just for him. But I guess the bugger is pea brained. He concentrates more on his workouts and just asks her to continue working out. She’s more interested in talking and looking at his sweaty body anyway and continues to linger around where he is. Annoys him, but well, there’s nothing you can do now dude. The girls kinda clumsy, thin and unimpressive with a flimsy style of walking and bad shoes. But I love the scene and I can’t help smiling to myself. Thats it for today. Bed time.

-Anup

Shagufta.

Shags, its been forever now. Its been ages since I wrote about you and missed you like crazy when you weren’t around. You remember the days when we’d wait for each other and chat for hours? I missed you a lot today. I missed you very very much. Ever get that feeling where you realize that you’ve been running around looking for people and friends all your life whereas the best person you could ever own was right next to you. Well, I’ve been ignorant and I keep on learning lessons. I’m adding you into the never ending list of lessons I’ve learnt from life after love.

I was talking to the guys in #Pune (IRc) as usual. We had Dorab, Priya and Mouse as usual and then we¬†had careless_rose and a few people came in and went out. I was enjoying IRc just like another day of bliss and ignorance and out of nowhere came this girl, Kangna or Gehna. She was an oldie in the room and she started pulling out nicks that made me nostalgic. All those carefree good times I’ve had on IRC and under NIIT in chinchwad… chatting away on dads hard earned money. I felt stupid but happy at the same time. I remembered Abdul, smiled at friendzforever.tk; thought about how we worked on the website together. It was like an exalt out of nowhere. Me and Kangna spoke for a long time, discussing old things and how they were and I couldn’t miss you any longer Shags!

I feel better now though after having spoken to you. Well, I knew it was your exams and that you’d probably be busy with books and must have gotten busy with them, but hey, why couldn’t you reply to 2 lines of an email that I sent you, ha? Alright, here’s the deal, over the years, you’ve become a very close part of my life. Sometimes, I take you for granted. I expect you to be there. I expect you to come back to me. Yes, nearly each and every time. You’re Shags re… anyway, do I need to explain what you are? You’re a crazy impossible-to-remake kinda mix of a lot of different people for me and I’d need you till the time I live. You musn’t be going away like this. People seemed so at-ease after leaving me to rot, but you? Well, uhm, I’d expect you to be there.

This post dedicated to you Shags! I missed you a lot today (I know, its the nth time that I’ve said this, but I feel ok repeating myself) and don’t try, I’d do the keeping-in-touch part myself. I’m sorry I haven’t been good at being a friend, a brother or anyone else for that matter and I’m sorry that I’ve hardly been there. My eyes were shut; I’m sorry. Thats it, all I wanted to say is, Shagufta, you’re an important person. Don’t keep going away like this. Be around. Love you loads.

-Anup

More Nostalgia.

Have you ever had those times? Times where you can’t stop yourself from thinking about the days that you just lived. Nostalgia that you just can’t avoid. However hard you try and however much you tell yourself about how strong you are and about how you must live through this; sometimes, don’t you have times where you end up crying for what you’ve lost? Don’t those really nasty environmental variables make you sad and angry at the same time? Also, does it ever happen that the nightmares you’ve tried to avoid seem to rain down upon you like Gods wrath? A funny feeling that you may experience during times like these might be the weirdish tingle in your stomach about the direction in which your life’s moving. You might feel helpless; unsure about the turns you need to take, unsure about the decisions you need to make. Most often than not, during times like these the number of dilemma’s in your head would seem to double. Well, I’d like to announce that this is a fairly common experience and the easiest way to deal with it is to let it take over you – just like fear, you know? The more you try to fend it off the more it’d trouble you. Let it come, doggy-fuck you and leave. Trust me, once its done with what it wants to do with you, it’ll go. There are others too… I’m sure. Others who’d need to experience sadness. The emotion thats closest to man. We all know why. The reason’s pretty simple – Man is the only animal that has a hole in his heart. An abstract rather invisible and invincible hole which makes him shallow. This hole makes him to want more, crave for more than he deserves. It makes him desire. Its the reason we’re human beings.

So, whats your point fatso? What I was trying to convey here was that things get better if you absorb what life has to give you rather than take it forcibly. No, I’m not a believer in Karma, cause that theory doesn’t seem to have a base. What you do comes back to you? Uhm, no; not always and I’m sure about this. What you sow, so shall you reap? Yeah, stupid, its grain and its science, water and life. You will reap what you sow, no biggie. Running back to where I started… Nostalgia. This is precisely what makes us stronger and I say look it in its eyes. If what you fear seems to come to your thoughts over and over again, stay, and don’t move. Don’t struggle. Think about the life you’ve lived. Think about all what you’ve felt – big things or small, just think about all of them. It could be something as small as someone tell you that he/she loves you very much. Else, it could be someones smile, a hug, a conversation or plainly put the warmth of people who made your life good. Not to forget, the painful memories – Lies, betrayal, love and reasons for why things happened; things that made you sad.

Well, I’ve been extremely nostalgic over the last two days. I must associate this to the fact that I’ve been alone throughout the week since I’m covering the nights at work. I don’t get to meet Ratheesh, Avi or any of the other guys I used to talk to. This, thus, gave me a lot of time to think to myself and sometimes think out loud. Well, the thinking out loud part has put me into embarassing situations once in a while. Like, I’d be walking down the corridor, talking to myself as usual or sometimes I’d be talking to god and there’d be people passing by looking at me; searching for a bluetooth device or a wire that’d be transmitting my voice! Funny. I’d realize later that I got stared at by numerous people. Guess its ok. Who cares? I love talking to myself and I will continue to do what I like. The simplest lesson I’ve learnt is that the easiest way to lose a bout of depression is talking to yourself, telling yourself that the past is behind me and that I need to move on. Talking to myself helps me to understand, analyze and accept. Acceptance is the most important part of all of this. Like I said before, the more you’d wait for a change or for something to happen, the lesser are the chances of anything good to happen. Let there be hope, but don’t sit and wait for things to happen just cause you have hope. Moving ahead and living your life to the fullest is important, they say. I don’t know why they’d say – Live your life to the fullest. Can anyone ever live a different life? We’re all going to live our lives the way we’re supposed to.

Apart from the fact that I’m getting more and more efficient at ranting random bullshit, I’ve got my classes – CCNA going on in full swing and I must say, I love these classes. The concept really drives into my head and I seem to enjoy the class. I make good notes (I never made notes in college) and I read after I come back home. All of these things scare me. Have I become my old self? No use worrying. Gymming and dieting feels absolutely awesome. I’ve lost my headaches and trust me when I say, I’ve lost 3.5 kgs in 12 days. So, I’m sure that I’m going to lose all of the extra fat on my body and I’m going to be fit. Today is Sunday and it so happened that I slept throughout the day on Saturday, thus I couldn’t sleep the night and now I’m sleepy. I really don’t want to ruin my Sunday, so I’d probably hit the sack right now and try to wake up before the 11:30 AM mallu movie. Must end now.

-Anup

Homesick

Alright, so I know that its too early to miss home, but I was watching Taare Zameen par yesterday; for the second time and this time off the internet, and thats when I realized that I miss my mommy! Who wouldn’t? Especially after a song like this:

[audio:http://www.anup.org/audio/taare.mp3]

Main Kabhi Batlata Nahin
Par Andhere Se Darta Hoon Main Maa
Yun To Main,Dikhlata Nahin
Teri Parwaah Karta Hoon Main Maa
Tujhe Sab Hain Pata, Hain Na Maa
Tujhe Sab Hain Pata,,Meri Maa

Bheed Mein Yun Na Chodo Mujhe
Ghar Laut Ke Bhi Aa Naa Paoon Maa
Bhej Na Itna Door Mujkko Tu
Yaad Bhi Tujhko Aa Naa Paoon Maa
Kya Itna Bura Hoon Main Maa
Kya Itna Bura Meri Maa

Jab Bhi Kabhi Papa Mujhe
Jo Zor Se Jhoola Jhulate Hain Maa
Meri Nazar Dhoondhe Tujhe
Sochu Yahi Tu Aa Ke Thaamegi Maa

Unse Main Yeh Kehta Nahin
Par Main Seham Jaata Hoon Maa
Chehre Pe Aana Deta Nahin
Dil Hi Dil Mein Ghabraata Hoon Maa
Tujhe Sab Hai Pata Hai Naa Maa
Tujhe Sab Hai Pata Meri Maa

Main Kabhi Batlata Nahin
Par Andhere Se Darta Hoon Main Maa
Yun To Main,Dikhlata Nahin
Teri Parwaah Karta Hoon Main Maa
Tujhe Sab Hain Pata, Hain Na Maa
Tujhe Sab Hain Pata,,Meri Maa

I cried throughout the song and I don’t feel weird about it. The lyrics are simple and to the point. It’s about how kids are attached to their moms. My mom has been very tolerant with me and she’s braved the scum who live around her. People who thought they’d boast about how hard working and successful their kids are and, “Ohhh! Anup didn’t make it through, is it?” And they’d twist their mouth and face in a way which, in my eyes; makes them look like worthless beggers. I hated everyone in the mallu society I lived in. Except for their kids of course. I miss them all, my childhood friends. I’m not sure what they’d be upto. I haven’t kept a track of what they were upto.

Dad might decide to make a quick halt at Bangalore before going to Kerala. He needs to supervise the new house that we’re building there. I hope he gets time to come by. I’m desperate to show him my flat. As in, not my flat; but rented flat that I live in. I’ve kept it neat and clean (which is weird for a bachelor) He thought I’d live a lousy life, huh?! I feel awesome when he likes what I’ve done.

I miss Abhi and Smikh a lot. These are the people who used to talk to me all the time and I miss being with them. Apart from them, the most important person is Sneha. I miss being with her. Man, I really need that leave in February. I haven’t gotten any confirmation from my manager; which is beginning to get on my nerves. I get frustrated a bit too soon. Anyway, I’ll try to get talking to the boss pretty soon. Well, thats it. I hate it when the nostalgia floods my mind!

-Anup