Scribbling randomness.

I wanted to title this entry as “Proud to be mallu – II” but then I had quite a few things to scribble in and the ideas were too varied. Essence of that title being the part where Onam just went by and I felt endearingly close to my family and culture. Physically far away but still so close. The idea of going back to Pune and home thereby seems so alluring. I spent the day with my family in Bangalore which included and are limited to Ravi uncle, Radha aunty, my cousins; Ammu and Kuttapi and granny. I always knew about the fact that Radha aunty would never let me miss home. She’s an amazing cook, a very concerned mom and a very easy person to connect with. I’d always agree that I’m much closer to her than I’m to my uncle.

The day began with breakfast that included something called “Ada” this is made up of rice dough which is stuffed with jaggery, bananas, coconut and then baked. Another version of the very famous malayali rice cakes or “puttu” if you might. The only difference is that “puttu” is baked in powdered form and this here is roughed up and doughed like the dough you’d beat wheat up into to make chappatis. That and cooked up bananas (don’t try to imagine this because non-mallu’s just find this gross and distasteful, but we the mallu’s dig it!) formed the initial part of the breakfast. I then stuffed myself up with chips and some other tasty tit bits! I was so full that I could not move. We then headed to a temple nearby and I prayed my heart out. Here was when I discovered that I’m extremely pious during occasions like these. I smirked when I prayed cause god must know about how busy I am, tssk tssk.

We then got back home and I introduced Kuttapi to Ubuntu; which had already caught his attention when using it at my place. We got it installed and he needed all the programms that I had running. They use BSNL broadband at their place and I realized how much it sucks. I somehow managed to get almost all the important programms installed and asked him to do the rest. I am forgetful and thats something that came to me like an nth-fiddle. I had installed Ubuntu at my place a few months back and I had performed manual partitioning flawlessly but I forgot how to do it and had to google it out. Damn! I dunno, I feel sometimes as though there is a lot of space up in my brains. My memory is unused and its decaying up there. If small things like these don’t stick why do I even have a brain? Pfft. Lunch called and its aroma filled the air dragging me from in front of the computer right upto the table. Radha aunty’s lunch tasted amazing all spicy and full of love. Again, I stuffed myself up and headed home to watch some tv and relax. Which is precisely what I did. I’ve been watching all the mallu movies that TV could show within the last 3 days and I feel closer to who I am when I’m with my people, my language, my movies. I feel owned by malluism!

I couldn’t get much sleep on Saturday after shift since I had to attend the workshop. This time it was arranged to be at this really endearing place called “Alliance Francaise” which I assume was largely to introduce the French language and its culture to people interested. The language, its art and other things falling in its agenda. Also, plays and other forms of creative expressions seemed to be all over the place. It was a green-spot, serene and I loved it there. The ambience is still stuck to my head and I’m not sure if they charged a lot but then this was way better than being at a noisy coffee shop. We discussed play-writing this time and a play-writer called Abhishek spoke to us about his experiences with play writing. It was interesting even though play-writing isn’t one of my things. I enjoyed the whole discussion nevertheless and I’d love to see how people enact these plays when its presented next week. It’d be funny. I can’t act or talk stage for nuts and it’d be really embarassing if I have to! Connecting to people still seems to be a difficult thing for me to do and all I can do for now is try. I don’t want to push myself too hard anyway.

It was raining boredom today cause I had to work the morning shift because of Hemant the dickhead. It was his birthday today and this was why I agreed to work in place of him for today. Anyway, I watched tv throughout the day and slept some. There wasn’t much to do and it was one of those really boring days. Music, writing and tv helped me passed my time as I felt myself starve till like 4. Hunger pangs struck somewhere around this time and I ran over to Radha aunty’s and devoured everything I saw. By that time I was dying for it to be 6 and the final two hours seemed to be the slowest. Finally, I drove down to Ajay’s and we went over to Purple Haze since I was in the mood for some rock music. Chetan was reluctant but then he tries to not say a no to me. Thanks Chetan, we needed you to sing along. Purple Haze was loud but the DJ played some good music along with videos and man it pushed my adreneline level up and I enjoyed being there and head banging to some really nice rock music. I heard a couple of songs that I really liked and I’m listening to them now. Neat place overall, Purple Haze. I heard from a few acquaintances though that it wasn’t as good as it used to be and that its lost its charm. I’m not sure, I liked the place anyway. Chetan said that the repeat the music over and over again, everyday. That’d be annoying to the regulars!

So thats it for today. I’m not too sleepy cause I had some redbull and I feel fresh as ever. Might watch a movie or two and then get some reading done. I fiddled around a bit and found this theme. Its inspired from the devine design of deviantart and I love the way it looks. I really don’t care much about what others feel about this design. Its staying for the time being cause I like it. Might go out with Chetan tomorrow. I had tons more to write, but then I choose not to, cause its pointless. Delhi blasts, over 30 dead. Whats the point in writing about it? Terrorism seems to be something we Indians have learnt to live with! Its no biggie, I guess. “Ohh, a bomb? Cool, how many did it kill this time?” Bastards, what do you get out of this? You kill 30 and within 30 minutes India would have replaced those bodies with different souls somewhere else. You just can’t kill us, you know? We’re like a never ending plague spreading and we’re spreading fast. How many do you think you can kill with your puny bombs? I loathe your existance and your attempts at bringing about an Islamic rule (or whatever the reason be) is futile. We will prevail and one fine day your ways will seize to exist. So suck it up and leave now.

-Anup

Self conversations

Thoughtful me
Being thoughtful...

 I’m pretty sure that I’ve managed to keep this side of me blurry to the eyes of the very few people who can look into my life and examine the way I live it. I’ve always had long detailed discussions with myself and some of those conversations have led me to good times and some others have taken me closer to doom. Whatever the case be; what amazes me is the ease with which I discuss things with myself. Its sometimes as easy as discussing it with a close friend. I’d pretend that I’m someone else and I’m talking to Anup. I question him and review the things he has done and is doing. I expect him to answer and he feels obligated to answer those questions.

The subjects for these kinda discussions have been varied throughout the years and they’ve grown from “How am I supposed to tell mom that the teacher’s put in a red remark in my calendar?” and “Anu!! what have you done? You shouldn’t have used that word, you know that!! Bloody bastard is a very bad word *anger and fright drooping off of me* Sister is going to be mad if she gets to know” Sister here were the nuns at school who taught me. It went onto something more worldly when adolescence dawned. I’ve had times when I told myself, “What a woman!!!” *gazing and drooling at one of my first crushes who walked by in a wrap-around* and to the time when, “Dads going to kill me when he sets his eye on the marks card this time, probably I must escape off to Kerala for a month or two!!” This actually worked during my 12th standard results, hah! I then came down to the golden question, “These are all good people, I’d want to be friends with them! So, what next Anu?” And from there on, its just gotten more and more complex to finally its come to a point where I ask myself, “What the fuck is wrong with you?” and “Who are you?” Makes me sad that I do not like myself as much as I used to and somehow it seems to kill my want to meet people and extend my circle of people close to me.

I was talking to Abhi today and he said a few things which I’d agree to and some stuff thats pure genius and a few other things that were plain shit. Anyway, when it comes to Abhi, I take all that he says. Somehow, it comforts me when it comes from him cause he’s the creator of the Matrix and he must have hidden some kinda code somewhere which breaks the anamoly that I am. Snip:

Anup: Hmmm, you don’t seem to see my point 🙂
 Abhi: u r wrong my frnd
 Anup: What I’m saying is…
              I’m not a shy person as such and I interact with people pretty well.
             But I still don’t manage to connect, the way you would or uhm, Ajay would maybe.
              Even though he can be quite an ass.
Abhi: c i ll tell u wht
              u r a type of guy who thinks he is very polished, and y expect evry1 around u also 2 behave the same way
              whras v dont behave like tht
              u r just the normalppl
              sloppy ppl u can say
              and thts wht makes us approachable
              dunno if m ale to make u understand wht i mean
 Anup: Is it written on my forehead that I’m polished and I expect you to be polished?
 Abhi: well.. the way u behave
 Anup: What do I do man?
              I talk normal to everyone.
 Abhi: u just need 2 let go of ur inhibitions
             u try 2 judge ppl as soon as u get talking 2 thm, and thn if u dont like a person after the initial talk, u tend to ignore/avoid thm… stop judging               ppl…
              just go with the flow
Anup: Ahh, well thats correct.
Abhi: and it doesnt hurt 2 try and keep in touch with ppl evn if u r nt frnz
            1 sms/call once in a while makes u grow close 2 the ppl around
Anup: Yeah…
Abhi: and the ppl around feel good bout u

I always feel better after having spoken to him. He’s straight, to the point and doesn’t beat around the bush. He does exaggerate a bit, but thats ok; thats a part of him we all love! Confuses me a bit. I thought friends happened, but thats not something that seems to be coming my way and like Abhi said, these days, you have to “make” friends, approach people and keep in touch. Sitting in a room and expecting people to come to you just won’t work. Later, cribbing about how lonely, boring and pointless your life has become would just make you look like a fool. Alright, so here’s the deal – Anu, you’ve gotten over some really bad times and getting stuck with yourself now isn’t something you’d want to do. You really need to go on and explore what lies beyond your room. Considering HP to be a very professional workplace and assuming that making friends isn’t all that easy there, its time you pulled up your socks and interacted a bit more with people. Socializing is very important. Haven’t you learnt nothing from Barney?!

Chetan and Ajay come as my saviours and though there are very little grounds on which me and Ajay connect; the lucky thing is, we don’t argue a lot. Just enough to keep things alive and not more than whats required. He loves music and so do I. Plus a lot of other things which makes him the only person I can talk to and feel good about! He’s a very much “me” kinda person where he’d mostly prefer talking about himself and himself only. Now, I wouldn’t say thats much of a problem if you look at it from the brighter side of things, but well, sometimes I feel he needs to give others a chance! Ghek. Chetan and me have no areas of commanality. Our choices, when it comes to music, cloathes and everything else seems to go to opposite ends but we still find a lot to talk about and I totally enjoy his company. He’s one of the most funniest people I’ve met and times flies when he’s around. Ratheesh my earlier commorade has been lost ever since he fell in love and I feel for him! *sigh* you were a brave soldier mate.

Its Onam, on the 12th of September and I think I’m going to enjoy a wonderful treat at Radha aunty’s place. We got Kuttaps a new computer. We here implies that his dad payed and I decided the config. Man, that was fun. Ravi uncle’s face was flooding with dismay when I kept on adding things to the list on which he’d be billed. Come to think of it now, we got an awesome config for approximately 23 grands. Common, talk about awesome – AMD Athlon X2 2.4 Ghz, Asus Nvidia chipset MB, 2 GB RAM, 320 GB HDD, LD DVD combo and an awesome 19″ flatscreen LCD, Viewsonic. Seriously, it was an awesome deal and I’m totally happy about getting it for that price. Kuttapi is on cloud number 9, but he’s lame with security settings and hit himself on his toe as soon as he got the box cause he decided to make some security changes to a game he installed so that his sister wouldn’t access it and that resulted in he locking himself out instead, funny kid. Ahh, its late and I’m hoping to meet Chetan tomorrow cause its my weekly off and he’s working nights. I hope we get to catch up. The workshop is going good and I love being there. The only part that bothered me recently is that my fellow writers were completely oblivious to the power of blogging and public writing. Some were confused about copyrights and the others were worried about their work being stolen. Common guys?! Do you’ll really care? *sigh*

-Anup

Pichle saat dinon mein…

I loved this song more when I actually saw them perform and when I saw it on a huge screen. Somehow, it was much more intense that way and especially since they did a little foreplay to the song before they started playing and thats when Farhan Akhtar involved the entire crowd. Not that it was something new that he did; but it was more about the way he did it.

To translate what the title says – (stuff that I’ve lost) Over the last seven days. I haven’t been writing much and that doesn’t necassarily mean that I haven’t done much since I last wrote. I don’t feel the need to blog about everything I do these days. Now, I don’t know if thats a good thing, but I like it this way. This entry isn’t dedicated to anything in particular. I just had a few episodes to write about. Also, talk about the movies I’ve watched over the last seven days. Hmm, film critics get paid very well; I’ve heard. Columnists who write about how pathetic a movie was gets paid well too (mostly from rival directors and producers) I dunno, might as well get into junk if I wish to make some more money. But then, I’d have to sell my soul – who cares?

So I watched Mumbai meri Jaan on Wednesday with Chetan and I must say that movie was very well made. It was simple and to the point and it conveyed a lot of complex human emotions wrapped up neatly in 5 to 6 odd lives that were put on display. Paresh Rawal and his junior acted well also I loved Kay Kay Menon’s work. He doesn’t look much of a Menon to me though. But he’s awesome! So I guess that certifies him being a Menon ehh? Soha Ali khan was cute but her dialogue delivery and her sad-scene sucked. She just can’t cry now, can she? Maddy was a showpiece and I’d like to forget that part. I like the guy, you know? The rest as all put into place very well and a perfectly little story emerged. Watching it with Chetan added to the fun and luckily the crowd was smaller cause it wasn’t a weekend. I then watched the movie Phoonk (at home) and late in the night. I thought it’d scare me, but I couldn’t believe me eyes!! RGV – you suck. Whats with the whole black magic shit? I mean, seriously? Horror; I understand, but “Kala Jadoo” please no! Guess he should have titled it “Kala jadoo aur boodhi dadi maa” well she was running around all over the place, “tumko dikhta nahi… yeh kala jadoo hai, ram ram!!” and the hero looks at her like, “What the fuck mom? Did you get high on your pills?” The little girl has tried to act well with whatever she got, but then common RGV is really getting into the league of bad movies these days and here goes another one! I guess he’d be thinking, “gayi bhais paani mein” *sigh* the funniest scene of the movie was when the hero and his accomplice reach this super cool baba! Dialogue:

Baba: (Looking at the hero using a leprostic look) Tumhari bitiyan takleef mein hai… tumhari beti!
Friend: (Shocked from his spine and ready to cry) Aa..Aapko kaise maloom?
Baba: (Smileless smile on his face) Ghatiya sawal mat pooch!!!! (anger in his voice now and thinking to himself; abe, meine script padhi hai, bas kya?)

Hahahaha!! Why O’ why did RGV decide to do this to himself? Sir, if you continue to make moves like this, I’d have to believe that someone has control on your brain and is manipulating you using Voodoo and black magic. What an abysmal display of an otherwise very engorssing subject – Black Magic!

Finally, I watched Rock on! Ajay booked the tickets and I met a sleepy Chetan, a jumpy Ritesh, a usual Ajay and a white Vinay around 9:50 in the basement of Sigma mall. Guess what? Thats where they distribute tickets for the movies which is on the top floor. Do you see what I see here? I wonder what they were thinking when they made this arrangement. Anyway, we finally settled down to watch the movie at around 10:15. Yes, thats right the movie started 30 minutes late and there was a huge crowd out of the cinema hall which nearly choked me. The movie was good. I wouldn’t say its one of the best movies I’ve watched, but it was nice! I liked Farhan Akhtar’s acting and I loved the song – Pichle saat dinon mein. Apart from that the overall music given to the movie was good and the only problem I thought was the part where they stretched the movie a bit. They could have made it shorter and sweeter. So, I’d give this a 7/10. Phoonk gets a 2/10 and Mumbai meri jaan gets an 8.
Coming down to the final and most important thing that happened to me over the last few days. I met a few very talented writers and I was thrilled to be in their midst! Yes, I did sign up for a workshop on creative writing and the first 9 hours with Mr. Vijay Nair and the other guys who came there, my batchmates that is, was fulfilling and I look forward to the coming weeks. Minus of course the session on Shakespear which I really couldn’t enjoy and that I’d say is my personal little problem and I was happy cause the others enjoyed it. The lady who spoke about it was an awesome public speaker and her command over the English language was worth my awe! Also, her vocabulary was way out of my reach and I sometimes found myself running around trying to find a dictionary; but she spoke too fast anyway! I do not have much to talk about it as of now cause it was just one day and I’m sure I’ll discover more as and when I experience more of the workshop and the people. I wrote a few short articles and I felt very good when I read it out later to the class. Also, not to forget the entire class was well spoken and I really needed to meet people like these. More in next.

-Anup

Basking in glorious boredom.

Now isn’t that an irony worth applauding? Glorious boredom? You’d ask with a lot of questions in your head spinning you off into a world of webs of dilemma’s. That sounds like a labyrinth of weeded mazes and sometimes I don’t see light anywhere. But, the thing is, I’m somehow warm, cozy and comfortable within all of this. Even though these may seem like a delicate situation to many where your life has no meaning and its not heading on a fixed path; assuming of course that the human karma’s keep on driving him/her to find that path and finally attain Nirvana. One way or the other you have to come to an end and before you do you’d want to think of yourself as someone who followed a good path into light. I thought I had found that path and was happy that I was moving along life’s waves without needing to fight against them. Guess I got it all wrong. One way or the other there would come a day like this where I’d need to swim against the tide and come to think of it – SWIM! Swim with all my might especially since I don’t know swimming. I’m sure though that I’ve learnt how to swim and I’ve managed to keep myself afloat. I now need a plan to move forward, fight waves and tides and somehow, I feel I’d need someone with me cause I’m no good alone.

Usually, when people get bored or they are living a frame of time where they have absolutely nothing to do – they’d just find something to think of or do. Most of us manage to pass this time without having to try to hard. Mostly because almost all our lives have become a mechanically run human machine where we live to work rather than work to live. So when people like this find themselves in a spot where they have nothing to do, that calls only for two feelings. Either this could meet ultimate joy where they’d go on to indulge and over-indulge in activities they’ve always wanted to do and/or the other feeling where they don’t know what to do, they’re lost and they don’t know where to begin and what it is that they’d be good at next. Mostly such people would think a lot about what it is that they’re doing with the time they then own. Which is probably why it dissolves the very essence of dead-air in their lives which I feel is very essential. It might lead to a few hours, days or months of boredom but trust me, you need this. I’ve been living on the equator of both these feelings and whoa! the heat is at its peak where I am.

I try to do things I like, but somehow I don’t enjoy any of them. For example, I try to listen to some music and I’d get bored of it very soon. I’d pick up a book and try to read whats written. What happens next is something that totally destroys me. Reading words and not understanding them; not being able to drink it with all its taste and feed it to my word hungry brain, sigh, its a clumsy feeling. I’ve loved reading books since ever but somehow, these days books just don’t appeal to me. Especially since I read Love Story – Erich Segal. Thats when I actually learnt that I seem to have a dead heart. She had given the book to me a long time ago and the funny thing is, she asked me to never read it cause she lost her first love after he read that book. I was scared and thus I never actually read the book. Now after I’ve read it, I just feel so sick. I’m disturbed about the way I feel for love and people. I’m scared sometimes that the cloud of gloominess hanging overhead would turn me into someone I don’t want to be. I love being a helpless romantic and I wouldn’t want to change for anyone or anything. Ohhh, I still am a romantic and even though it may sound girly I totally love the idea of being in love and sharing myself with someone and enjoying her half in return. The whole thought still makes me giggle (luckily!)

I tried my hand at getting certified (CCNA) and all I could do was attend classes worth 11 grands and that was just about it. I couldn’t collect enough energy to go answer its test and get the certificate which would be very helpful for my career. I then tried my hand at music – the guitar to be specific and this was in unison with Chetan and Ajay. They went onto complete the first module and Ajay can already play the guitar very well (taking into consideration his natural inclination towards music and sticking with it over the past 10 years) and Chetan can play a bit too. I chickened out like a little bitch cause I somehow couldn’t do what I thought would be easy. Like Ajay said this wasn’t easy and it took a lot of practice and patience. Patience is something I don’t quite have and I’ve been trying to meditate to bring some into me. Anyway, thats alright; like I said, I did not want to be naive at anything. I’m ok where I stand and I’m more than happy to enjoy the music Ajay makes and trust me when I say that I’d write lyrics to the music he makes one fine day. I’m sure that will happen. I recently had this fantasy of attending some tutoring on creative writing and I’m looking forward to getting some information about coaching in Bangalore. Let me see where that takes me.

Sometimes, I feel like I need to escape! Run away someplace where its green all around and I’m living in the wild. But hey! I need to have like loads of money with me to buy all the food I need. I’d surely like to live like Chris McCandless in the movie “Into the wild” but with real time food, you know? I don’t think I can live off fresh meat and weird herbs. Guess thats what killed him in the end. I wouldn’t mind a couple of aliens running around too. They could teach me some of their new age technology and probably take me for a spin in their cool shuttle. You know that kinda stuff works, right? Aliens and UFO’s always seem to show up at scarcely populated areas. So, I’m thinking, Scotland or Ireland maybe. Riding a horse is something I’ve always wanted to do! That’d be fun, but I worry about how bad it’d be for my groin! So, yeah, I know I think of weird things all the time. I’d blame the movies I watch for the way I dream. I’ve been watching a lot of movies off late and I feel proud about how hard I’ve been raping Airtel. Working from home has been an amazing experience but I don’t think I’ll do it very often. It kinda cuts you off people and the loneliness then starts eating on you. I; luckily, have been doing just fine. I’m happy that I finally managed to write this. Its been eating me from my insides over the last couple of days. I hope to attend those classes on creative writing. I love writing!

-Anup

Crumbs of me.

I don’t know why, but I suddenly felt like typing out a few things about me. It may or may not interest the mass but then, these are good to know things about me:

  • I WAS fat. You can’t call me that anymore. I know; I sound like I’m trying to justify to someone, but thats not the case.
  • I love the colors blue and black.
  • I don’t like wearing formal clothes.
  • I’d most usually be seen in a pair of jeans, a t shirt with a pullover/coat/jacket or a shirt.
  • I am particularly picky about clothes and shoes and I base my first assumptions on people just based on their footwear.
  • Speaking of which, girls who’d wear floaters with a pair of white socks; I find them very appealing.
  • I love egg biryani but on a regular diet I’d like more of my kinda south Indian food to be in the menu.
  • That being said, I can’t eat outside everyday and I prefer to not eat and live off of fruits (these days) rather than eating out.
  • Discrediting those who have accused me of being a foodie, I’d like to clarify that I eat to live and not vice versa.
  • I depend on my glasses to be able to see the world. I’m nearly blind without them.
  • I am not attracted to shiny objects, but yes, I like gold. I like the rich feeling.
  • I love spending money. Money that I have and money that I don’t have.
  • I have very few friends and I try my level best to keep them around me.
  • I dislike the mob. I dislike anything thats hyped up; for example F.R.I.E.N.D.S! Common guys, for the love of god! Get over it, will you?
  • I was for a short span of time in love with the vague idea of being in love but I think I’m managing to crawl out of it now.
  • I have been in love and I don’t feel sorry for myself. I’ve loved with all my heart and love has been special.
  • I tend to over think and I’m still trying to lead myself out of the sinkhole I’ve thrown myself into.
  • I tend to live in a constant state of denial where I know that X is right, but I am not X. I cannot take this and I try to reason.
  • I don’t fully understand why, but sometimes, I don’t like my awesome car.
  • I love music and I can’t live without it.
  • I am single, not too quick with witty jokes and I do not drink or smoke. Overall, I’m one of those boring kinds or so you’d want to say.
  • I’m a movie buff and I can watch almost everything that I download and everything thats showing in PVR.
  • My current denials: Bangalore isn’t a bad place to be; I am happy; I am not in love with her; I have friends.
  • My stress busters – Barney, Robin, Ted, Lily and Marshall.
  • My most prized asset: My sister. I don’t think I have told anyone or even her, but she’s something I’d never give up on.
  • My idol: Dad (However big a pain you be!)

Well, thats all that I can think of for now and its time to hit the sack. We’ve planned to go to watch “The Mummy 3” tomorrow and duh!~ Vinay has booked tickets for the 10 AM show. Thats good somehow. Good for me cause I won’t sleep much anyway, I know. I fought with mom today for no apparent reason and she hung up on me. Damn! What is it with me and women? Why do all of them like to bang the phone on my face? Except for Sneha of course and thats why I love her so god damn much. She’s patient with me and she talks to me like I’m some kinda awesome guy. Thanks a lot. Nawwww, no! I’m not being extra good cause its Raksha Bandhan *winks* I really love you!

-Anup

Friendships day.

So need I say more? I’m sure the pictures talk for themselves. The very essence of this post is in these pictures. I’m sure that people who know me might know who the people in those pictures are. I don’t want to demarcate those people into categories not am I going to prioritize them here. I’m just going to randomly type in names of people who make it to my list of friends and people I consider as friends. Some of these names do not appear in the pictures above but thats just because I couldn’t find a good picture. And yes, I’ve made a pyramid of my friends as well since thats how the world does it, you know? Top two, then the next 3 and then friends to follow. Some shit like that. I used to never recognize this before but recent events have forced me to categorize people and it hurts me. Coming back to names: Sneha, Shagufta, Abhi, Muiz, Smikh, Ajay, Chetan, Nikhil, Ratheesh, Hemant, Nids, Annie, Mank, Sanket, Sonu, Vishu, Vivek, Pramod, Prab, Unni. Uhm, good enough? Yeah.

Friendships day just went by and thats what inspired me to work on this collage and type in some eblish about my friends. These are all important people, you know? Some gentle and kind, some shrewd and wicked, some more hidden and deep, the others loving and caring and those very few plain ruthless ones too! I have them all in my list and I feel super cool about it. Friendship has always been a conundrum for me. I’ve never been able to make friends as quickly as Abhi would or Sneha would maybe; mostly if she could. She’s pretty tied up and the poor thing can’t move a lot. Luckily, she now has a job and I’m happy that she’d get to move around and meet some people. I couldn’t stand her cage anymore and I was praying hard. I did find most of my friends at Convergys and I’d be ever thankful to that place for almost everything in my life right now. I’ve already conveyed this across to all my friends, but I repeat; Guys, thanks a lot for being there and sharing your smiles and listening to what I had to say. I’m sorry for being boring whenever I was, but I’m a nice guy, you know? I’m sure you know and thats the reason I still continue to exist in your glorious world. Thank you once again for every step that you’ve taken with me. Love you’ll!

Apart from this, the weekend went by and it was neat. Coincidentally, it was Smikh’s birthday on the 3rd of August (friendships day) and somehow I find it very fascinating cause she’s been like this epitome of love and friendship for me. A symbol of companionship. There are no reasons why, its just been like that. The day passed by without a lot of fuss about it and I think I was peaceful that day. Saturday was funny though. We went shopping; Chetan and I. The monsoon sale is on throughout the malls in Bangalore and we were sweeping M.G.Road for some random cheap stuff. The only pair of jeans I liked wasn’t on sale and it was a Levis, 2,500 bucks. I liked it a lot and I wanted to buy it but did not want to spend all that money. The sales guy kept pestering me and I thought I’d buy it so I asked him to go get the measuring tape to alter its length. Thats when I told Chetan that I did not want to spend the money then and the both of us ran away from there! Man, that was really fun. Chetan is funny and his jokes (however lame they be) are cracked with a certain amount of ease and charm which is sure to make you giggle! I enjoy his company a lot. Thats just about it. Running a new month and keeping myself fit, hale and hearty. Life’s owning me right now. Peace out.

-Anup

What did I miss?

Yagami light
Can't stop thinking...

 The last few days sped through and I’ve been in a state of idiosyncratic bliss. I’ve been thoughtful and I mostly thought about unnecassary crap. I don’t quite like my affinity to pain and suffering. Somehow, even though I know that I need to get out of the abstract pit of sorrow and troubles that I’ve dug myself into; I just keep digging deeper instead of trying to crawl out. I did try a lot but like I said, I somehow prefer to delve in my self proclaimed fate. Picture a post apocalyptic wasteland where its dead and burning all around you and all you see; to the furthest you can, to event horizon, is nothing but sand. Deserts and more deserts. You wish for a mirage, but even that isn’t coming. You can smell water but each and everytime it turns out to be a desire so strong that it creates illusions you want to believe but something that isn’t true. A desire to be loved, people around you chirping away happily, people who know you and people who don’t co-existing in perfect harmony. Thats what matters, isn’t it? You don’t want to be known by everyone walking on the street. Most of us would want to be known within a small set of people and be loved and considered important. Uhm, well, thats all that I wish for. I have this gut feeling though; a feeling that my best time is over.

Coming back to what really happened over the last few weeks – I had been to Pune for around 5 days. Somewhere right after my birthday. I guess I did talk about it in one of the posts right after my birthday. I was happy on the day I posted that. Mostly because I sang Epiphany infront of a crowd and because almost all the people I considered important wished me on my 25th birthday. Sanket forgot to wish me and a few days later he seemed to humble himself by acknowledging that he had been forgetful and caught up with a lot of work, apparently. In this busy-ness of his he forgot to wish Mank, Abhi, me and even Paresh; his best friend. Well, seriously, I know – women can do this to you. You end up losing up on people who are on your side and who are your friends. People you should care about. But then, who am I to talk about something like this. I’d be a stupid hypocrite if I preach against something I already did, so I’m going to shut up. So, well, I went to Pune on the 5th and I had an awesome time there.

The best part was meeting the new DS batch on the floor. The group of guys I met were part of Abhi’s and Augie’s batch. Augie was super delighted with his career I guess and thats why he ended up giving a treat worth 10 grands. Yes, thats right, 10 fucking thousand. I was aghast at the bill, but then the place was worth it. We had been to this place called Mezza9. Its somewhat like Mini Punjab, but its not a dhaba and this place had class. We sat at this cool downtrodden table with all the chairs we needed and it was real comfy. The lights were perfect and the music sucked. Ahhh, that was expected. The place couldn’t have been perfect, could it? We also had Brian with us. It was good meeting him and talking to him about whats changed in DS/EPS/CVG and he seemed to listen to what I and the others had to say patiently. I’m not sure about what changes he’d be able to bring about, but it felt good when he heard us out. Us included me, Ashwin, Kamal and Ashish. These guys  are the next in line for promotions and all that kinda shit. A bunch of really intelligent guys I’d say. We discussed about the new age politics in the company and about the pathetic set of promotions that had been made based on seniority rather than class, intelligence and grace. It was a silly discussion which later got boring cause Ashwin got high and then sentimental! The whole thing was fun while it lasted.

I then sat down with the new guys to introduce myself to them and thats when I realized that they knew me pretty well. I guess they had heard some stuff about me from Abhi, Augie and the rest. Good things from these guys and I’m sure they must have heard about the nasty stuff from the others. I sure had some fan following in CVG. The fans who carried a negative vibe. These guys were awesome though and they were nothing but fun. I’m not going into names, but this one name I have to mention cause he was practically ripped apart by the rest of his team. This is none other than the 21 year old kid. The glorious flirty mallu – Anoop. Man! He was raped. He took nothing to his heart though and it was all in fun. I enjoyed myself thoroughly and like I told Abhi – thats precisely when I knew why he did not miss us after we left and after the so called gang broke up. He had new people. Guess thats precisely why he wasn’t too keen on coming to Bangalore as mentioned in my testimonial on orkut. I wouldn’t blame him though. Who’d want to leave their hometown and all these good friends for one rather fucked up guy like me? I was never around when I had a girl friend and now I expected him to be around all the time. I’m happy that he decided to stay. At least he has a life now. So, thats that. We ended the treat with a good bye speech by yours truly and I hope it inspired the guys. Thanks for the treat Augie! You rocked while you were there.

I then met Smikh the next day and we saw the movie Jaane tu and I got to spend some quality time with her. Talking about stuff that the both of us liked immensely – people. We gossipped a lot and exchanged gifts. Its her birthday on the 3rd of August and its a special day, you know? Her birthday falls right on friendships day. Ain’t that cool? I had to ask her to keep her hands off the gift before the 3rd. I got gifted with a stunner gift. A philips gogear mp3 player and yeah, it totally rocks. With all the power cuts that Bangalore has, its a life saver for me now. So, yeah that was it. We watched a movie, had tea, malled around a bit and I bade her farewell. It was after this when we had a small incident that I’d rather not talk about, but then, it was weird overall. Somehow, my fault too I must say. I shouldn’t have put Smikh in a picky spot. Sorry for the trouble girly!

I met Muiz and Shaista after this at McDonalds. Here I had another shocker. Muiz switched jobs. He fucking moved to Wipro and guess what? He says he never had time to inform me about him changing jobs. Can you believe that? Seriously? Is there an excuse for not telling me that he had a different job now? He defended himself very callously. Oblivious to the fact that he was being as ignorant as a girl. Anyway, his insensitivity has always astounded me. A cancerian and a 3rd of July born guy like me, but when it comes to feelings, emotions and the taste of food, we are miles apart. He is very different. He actually did not tell me about such a huge career move? Man, I felt like the smallest person in the world when that happened. I have very few friends to begin with and when those few friends treat me like shit, I just suffocate in pity for myself. I mean, whats wrong with people? I consider these to be very important people. I wonder why they’d not treat me right. I don’t ask for them to treat me as friend, but at least as someone who has spend loads of time with them. Hmmm, sigh – I wonder whats wrong with people these days. I would like to second my hypothesis here. There is no love. Friendship is bullshit.

The next day I met Nishant and Unni, my friends from school and we spoke a lot. Career and other things. It felt good talking to the guys. I then attended Nikhils engagement and met a few people I liked a few who I did not. The engagement went well and I got to spend some more quality time with Abhi, Muiz and Bhabhi. After all of this I got to meet Sanket and we kicked his ass for no reason. He knew that I was in town but never bothered to call me. But then here’s the catch – who even fucking cares? I got to meet him and thats what counts. I’m not going to run after people but I’d certainly love to meet them. I met Annie and her mom the next day and we spoke for a while. I then spend the rest of my time amongst family and returned to Bangalore on the 9th. Thats how it ended. During Nikhil’s engagement Abhi gave us some good news. One, he is getting engaged and thats scheduled for the 28th of this month, WOW! Awesomeness and total PWNage. The guy needed a companion desperately. He cannot be alone for gaps in time, you know? He needs people around all the time and this was the coolest thing for him to do. I’m so happy for him. Also, he is getting to go onsite – Copenhagen, Denmark. Ain’t that awesomer? So thats double treat Abhi! I’m going to Pune for his engagement and I just can’t wait. I’ll miss you – the architect, the creator of the Matrix. The guy who decides your fate. Well, thats just about it. I’m tired and I need to hit the gym. PeaceLoveEmpathy,

-Anup

To the yearly rains – I miss you.

I finally convinced myself to shake off the rust that had crept onto my fingers over the last 3 odd weeks. I wasn’t trying to keep myself from writing; but just my usual bouts which did not allow me to hit the keys. Until now that is. I’ve wanted to write ever since I started experiencing power problems! Well, I’m human and every human being has a hole in his heart. We’d always want to talk about whats missing and whats not right. We’d always crib about what makes us uncomfortable and most of us are so used to comfort and leisure that the smallest nano-ounce of discomfort would trigger off a chain reaction which would then force us to ogle out a list of other related woes.

In my case, its the rains! Where the fuck are the clouds? Seriously Zeus; I know you’re a tyrannical god and you rule no hearts. But unfortunately, you rule the skies and you’re the rain god! Where are the rains? If you’re a god, you’d know how the rain makes us humans feel. Especially downright romantics such as myself. I know, I sound like a girl in pink – but do you care? Consider me to be one of those numerous nincompoops you need to provide the rains to. For various reasons, I’d say. We creatures here on earth need water for each and everything.  Our very existence depends on it. Its nearing the end of July and I don’t see it raining anywhere. I mean, what the hell are you waiting for? Give us your fury! Let it rain.

Simply put, the rainy season has arrived with little or no rain clouds and I’m worried about how we’d be able to survive if it continues like this. I need it to rain just like all of us. I wish to see a greener earth. I wish for there to be plenty of food next year. I hope that rain brings us more resources to suck on. The most important one in our case, electricity. Unlike the super powers, we here in developing countries still depend on water for most of our power related needs. So if there’s an upsurge in the demand of electricity, which I’m sure there is; and if its preceded by a monsoon with shortage of water, it’d turn out of to be an irony you can’t laugh at. The situation here in Bangalore is grim. There is no power for almost 3-4 hours a day. Also, what annoys me is the part where they do not declare the power cuts. Why can’t we be more civilized? Like Kerala maybe? There, they have been minimizing power usage since times immortal. 30 minutes of blackout everyday is something thats told to everyone and something thats followed religiously. No one minds it. Out here and over the last 2 weeks; we face power outages every 3-4 hours for like 30-40 minutes and it rips my patience off.

Finally, the main reason I miss the rains. I miss its beauty. I miss the drizzle and I miss the warmth it carries along with all its shivers. Its life I feel and its beautiful. The smell of rain on dry soil… mmm; one fragrance that man couldn’t capture yet. I miss the fragrance too. Its hardly rained! What the hell is going on? I just want it to rain. Apart from this everything is in place and I’m on top of the world. I haven’t been hitting the gym for over 2 weeks. Mostly because I thought my body needed some rest. I’ve kept the dieting tempo up though and have kept away from any fattening food. I’ll hit the gym pretty soon. There are other stories to talk about, but then, those worry me, so I won’t talk about it. Abhi, Muiz, Smikh and everyone else close to me is in line for beginning a new life with someone special. I feel that I’d be left alone. Not that I’m so full of people right now, but then I can at least think about these people now. A few months down the line, I’d be a loner for good. But then, what the fuck? I’ll deal with it too. My apathy towards loneliness keeps on increasing. Being alone doesn’t scare me anymore. Heh.

-Anup

Happy birthday to me!

I don’t feel too different! Hmmm, should I be feeling any different? Don’t know; don’t care. I’m 25 now and I’ve outgrown another year. The world I live in isn’t as godforesaken as I thought it was. Its sweet sometimes and bitter the other times. I’ve learnt that for all the times I feel happy and content – there are gloomy days waiting to be explored. Thats one of gods unsolveable puzzles and no math; no mind can solve the co-relation between joy and grief! I for one, have learnt some very important lessons throughout chapter 24 and I’m going to forget the last 2 years of my life. They have been amazingly joyous at times and killingly painful on other occasions. My gig hence on is going to be limited to include only me and I’m going to make matter out of whatever abstract, invisible rather light sets of beauty I have left around me! Did that make sense to anyone? Uhm, I’m going to make ME matter! I’m important and I’m nice. I’m not what others think of me. I am what I make out of me. I’m going to live life – Mt. Everest size.

I turned 25 yesterday – 3rd July 2008. The celebrations were little but very satisfying. I sang my heart out and I felt good about it. All thanks to Ajay though. He gave me the push I required to walk up and sing. The whole thing was amazing. I’d start off with these pictures:

We visited the beach. It was one of the most satisfying birthdays I’ve ever had cause I sang for myself and I sang the song I love a lot. Ajay arranged it all up with the help of his DJ friend at the beach. He sang a few songs too, which ruled as usual and he then went on to tell everyone present that it was my birthday and that I’d be singing next. Good, I got everyone’s attention and I begin with telling everyone about how naive I am to Karaoke singing and that I’m no good at it; thats when I noticed that people were really supportive of Karaoke and that they wouldn’t mind if I wasn’t as good as Ajay. So sing I did… and it was awesome! Ajay proceeded to sing some more songs and Hemant gave him company with beer. So, overall, a very good way to end my special day and it was very fulfilling. Thanks once again to Ajay and Hemant for being there.

I’m going to Pune tomorrow. Driving down with Fahd and I’m fairly excited about going home. I’m still creeped out about going back, but then, its ok I guess. Its better to face your fears than run away. So, I’d be there upto the 9th and I guess I deserve this break. I wouldn’t be around till then. I’m driving in the rain, so other things are possible too *winks* The ringing of the division bell has begun.

This is a dedication to myself:

Beyond the horizon of the place we lived when we were young
In a world of magnets and miracles
Our thoughts strayed constantly and without boundary
The ringing of the division bell had begun

Along the Long Road and on down the Causeway
Do they still meet there by the Cut

There was a ragged band that followed in our footsteps
Running before time took our dreams away
Leaving the myriad small creatures trying to tie us to the ground
To a life consumed by slow decay

The grass was greener
The light was brighter
With friends surrounded
The nights of wonder

Looking beyond the embers of bridges glowing behind us
To a glimpse of how green it was on the other side
Steps taken forwards but sleepwalking back again
Dragged by the force of some inner tide

At a higher altitude with flag unfurled
We reached the dizzy heights of that dreamed of world

Encumbered forever by desire and ambition
There’s a hunger still unsatisfied
Our weary eyes still stray to the horizon
Though down this road we’ve been so many times

The grass was greener
The light was brighter
The taste was sweeter
The nights of wonder
With friends surrounded
The dawn mist glowing
The water flowing
The endless river

Forever and ever

-Anup

Lost for words.

My titles would probably seem like easy to predict cliches; just like my life. Its obvious that I’m following the Division Bell and I’m obsessed with the music and lyrics made by Pink Floyd. The truth is, I really am lost for words. I find myself beating around the bush when I write in my journal these days. I repeat the same conclusions over and over. I don’t understand myself and I get lost; lost for words.

A few people asked me about why I have not written anything in over 5 days, especially since I had loads of time on me and the weekend passed by too. I’ll admit that it wasn’t the deficiency of time or the will to type, it was just that I was trying to let a few days pass without having to live the never ending cycle of cliches that my life has become. I wouldn’t associate this just to the fortunate experience of losing love but also to the fact that; that grave, life altering encounter with love and women has since then made me hide from people and sometimes from my own self. I try to keep lying to myself that I’m happy and that I don’t need to worry about anything. Its like I wrote to Nids the other day, its difficult being like that. Why can’t I just be sad? Why is it that people have to mock my pain? Tell me that I need to be strong and all of that. Over and over again. They just want to see me happy – or so they say! I wonder how they don’t understand simple knot-theory. You cannot straighten a rope when it has knots. You cannot pretend the rope is straight by pulling it from both ends. You have to shrink it to whatever you can manage within your hands and then undo the knots. Thats when you can pull it to its maximum. Currently, I have a few knots in my life and I’m trying my level best to figure them out and make some good out of myself. I’ll end up suffering more if I push myself too hard. So, to all those people who don’t want to hear me – I’m sorry! I’ll manage.

Manra asked me the other day about why there was no mention about our visit to the 100 ft restaurant and all I could tell him was that there were too many beautiful things in my life and that all of them wouldn’t fit into the 500 MB of hosting I own. I decided to put that in this time though. Manra, thanks a lot for the Italian treat! I loved the starters, the paste and but of course the Mango juice. Its not surprizing that Manra hasn’t changed a lot. He’s still focussed and still adamant of his leadership ways. He has a pretty cut throat way of dealing with people while I have a more cheezy way. Anyway, we all have our own ways. Don’t worry too much Manra, you were a good commorade and a great team mate. We rocked and our names will be written in golden ink for all of DS history at CVG.

I watched a couple of movies recently. One of them was “Journey to the center of the earth” and I realized around a minute ago Golden Sparrowthat I watched the wrong movie. I was supposed to watch the latest one but I watched some shit which wasn’t the real deal. Must go home and get my hands onto the real movie. I hate it when I crap it up with my movies! Sometime back I managed to watch “Aamir” nice movie. Gripping to the end. Sad that Mr. Khandelwal had to die; blown into smithereens. I also watched “The Ruins” uhh, what was that? Ohh and I nearly forgot… I watched “The forbidden kingdom” and “The incredible Hulk” over this weekend. The first one sucked. Common? Whats wrong with those folks? Jackie Chan and Jet-Li; ughhh! Who wins? HAD to be Jet-Li, but then nada, Jackie still manages to come through and finally relive with the Elixir of life. The chinky chick in it looked cute, thats just about it. The Hulk though was extremely entertaining. You know how it is with guys? We like creatures and we like creatures fighting each other and well overall, your typical New York-in-the-hands-of-monsters kinda movie and I liked it. Update: My current weight has dropped down to 83 and I’m proud of the way things are going! Peace out.

A harmony I’m in love with:

[audio:http://www.anup.org/audio/tune.mp3]

-Anup