A solitary ramble…

I try my best to avoid discussing my loneliness because I’m sure about the fact that no one would be interested in reading about my desolate life. Pfft, am I hoping too much here? Who is even reading here? Except for me of course. I keep reading my own writings over and over again, cause I feel calmer after I’ve read my words which narrate my life which as of now seems to be nothing but a solitary ramble of unimportant and trivial happenings.

Lonely

I hope, everyday, that things will get better and that I’d find friends, I’d probably find people I like being with and like talking to. Unfortunately, I seem to move more and more into myself each day. I used to frequently visit my Uncle and my cousins who live a few houses away, but now, I don’t feel like going over. I somehow seem to prefer sitting at home cause once I return from there the loneliness seems to strike me more. I start missing home and my parents. This hasn’t happened to me before. This did not happen when I came to Bangalore before this. Probably because I never had friends when I left Pune. Or maybe because I came to Bangalore, then, to live my life. This time, I have just run away from my worst nightmares and thats what I’m still trying to do. Again, unfortunately, the scar of my previous attempt at making friends is still green. Somehow, it isn’t healing itself or maybe I am not letting it heal away. I want it to remain, just so that it reminds me that trusting people isn’t possible anymore.

My life has become monotonous. Everyday is the same and there is no change. I used to have a vibrant and colourful life back in Pune. Of course, most of it came from someone; who I found out later was actually faking love, tolerating me just because she was scared of me. Well, I was stupid. And how do I forget about my friends? I’ve had amazing friends and I will never forget them. I miss them whenever I think about making new friends. But, uhm, guess the problem here isn’t about me making friends. The problem is I don’t meet a lot of people to make friends. My office is full of people who are in their mid-lives and they have a family to support. Wife, children and other liabilities and responsibilities. People who’d just want to run back home, grab a bear and be with their family rather than have a decent conversation with me. The thing is, HP is a kind of place where you’d want to settle down. People come here after they’ve lived life, you know? Experimented all kind of shit and now, they just wish to earn their dough and go home. I am not indicating that HP is not the right place for me. It’s just that I feel, sometimes, that I’ve landed here too soon. I did not get enough out of CVG maybe! It’s just a maybe.

Just to make points about my life as of today (which is nothing less than a cliche):

-Wake up, get ready and go to work.
-Work, eat and listen to music.
-Get back, TV, computer, the internet.
-Sleep.
-Repeat.
-Weekend: A 2 day TV schedule.

The most weirdest part is that I don’t see a silver lining anywhere. Somehow, I don’t know where I’m headed. I requested mom and Sneha to come over for a week or so. But, dad is alone and he works hard. Understandably, he cannot be left alone and thus, I decided to not coax mom about coming over. She’d come after March anyway. Over and above this; she seems to be completely oblivious about my situation and her ignorance continues to torture me. I’m sure that I’ll deal with the “being alone” thing. I’ll get used to that and one day stop wanting friends.

What I can’t ignore is her ignorance.

 P.S: I’ve changed the theme and I like it.

-Anup

Homesick

Alright, so I know that its too early to miss home, but I was watching Taare Zameen par yesterday; for the second time and this time off the internet, and thats when I realized that I miss my mommy! Who wouldn’t? Especially after a song like this:

[audio:http://www.anup.org/audio/taare.mp3]

Main Kabhi Batlata Nahin
Par Andhere Se Darta Hoon Main Maa
Yun To Main,Dikhlata Nahin
Teri Parwaah Karta Hoon Main Maa
Tujhe Sab Hain Pata, Hain Na Maa
Tujhe Sab Hain Pata,,Meri Maa

Bheed Mein Yun Na Chodo Mujhe
Ghar Laut Ke Bhi Aa Naa Paoon Maa
Bhej Na Itna Door Mujkko Tu
Yaad Bhi Tujhko Aa Naa Paoon Maa
Kya Itna Bura Hoon Main Maa
Kya Itna Bura Meri Maa

Jab Bhi Kabhi Papa Mujhe
Jo Zor Se Jhoola Jhulate Hain Maa
Meri Nazar Dhoondhe Tujhe
Sochu Yahi Tu Aa Ke Thaamegi Maa

Unse Main Yeh Kehta Nahin
Par Main Seham Jaata Hoon Maa
Chehre Pe Aana Deta Nahin
Dil Hi Dil Mein Ghabraata Hoon Maa
Tujhe Sab Hai Pata Hai Naa Maa
Tujhe Sab Hai Pata Meri Maa

Main Kabhi Batlata Nahin
Par Andhere Se Darta Hoon Main Maa
Yun To Main,Dikhlata Nahin
Teri Parwaah Karta Hoon Main Maa
Tujhe Sab Hain Pata, Hain Na Maa
Tujhe Sab Hain Pata,,Meri Maa

I cried throughout the song and I don’t feel weird about it. The lyrics are simple and to the point. It’s about how kids are attached to their moms. My mom has been very tolerant with me and she’s braved the scum who live around her. People who thought they’d boast about how hard working and successful their kids are and, “Ohhh! Anup didn’t make it through, is it?” And they’d twist their mouth and face in a way which, in my eyes; makes them look like worthless beggers. I hated everyone in the mallu society I lived in. Except for their kids of course. I miss them all, my childhood friends. I’m not sure what they’d be upto. I haven’t kept a track of what they were upto.

Dad might decide to make a quick halt at Bangalore before going to Kerala. He needs to supervise the new house that we’re building there. I hope he gets time to come by. I’m desperate to show him my flat. As in, not my flat; but rented flat that I live in. I’ve kept it neat and clean (which is weird for a bachelor) He thought I’d live a lousy life, huh?! I feel awesome when he likes what I’ve done.

I miss Abhi and Smikh a lot. These are the people who used to talk to me all the time and I miss being with them. Apart from them, the most important person is Sneha. I miss being with her. Man, I really need that leave in February. I haven’t gotten any confirmation from my manager; which is beginning to get on my nerves. I get frustrated a bit too soon. Anyway, I’ll try to get talking to the boss pretty soon. Well, thats it. I hate it when the nostalgia floods my mind!

-Anup

The missing best friend story.

Sometimes I wonder; what it’d be like, to have a friend. A friend close enough to know everything about me. A friend who would never turn on me. Someone who’d always share and someone who wouldn’t betray. I’m not sure how this feels, but I guess it feels like heaven to have someone like that. To have a genuine friend. Or in laymen terms, to have a “best friend”

bf

I’ve never had someone like that unfortunately and from the beginning, I’ve just crawled, squeezed or pushed myself into being part of some group and then just linger around till it breaks off. Well, when I look back at myself and the friends I’ve had, its just a handful and most of them don’t even know where I am now. Uhm, no, this is not one of those posts dedicated to my loneliness. This one is dedicated to friendship and how I miss it.

I have to add that I’ve been part of one of the best gangs ever; at my workplace that is and I knew quite a lot of people who envied the way we were. Maybe thats what went wrong, or maybe the fact that we weren’t well balanced as a gang. Each and everyone of us had our own secret problems and dark secrets which when revealed bought a series of breakups which resulted in the overall annihilation of the so called “coolest gang” on earth! I’ve decided to be away from people and I’m not sorry about it. What I’m sorry about is the fact that I’ve had a few people walk into my life who would have been really close to me had I given them a chance. Instead, I preferred to sit with myself and curse the gods about how lonely he’s made me. Even now, I can get up and go get something to do, but well, I just don’t feel like it. I prefer sitting in front of my machine here, which simply rocks my world after the upgrade and play games, surf the internet and watch series after series; current one – Scrubs!

So, coming back to the best friend topic. I know that it’s a pretty girlish thing or so most of the guys might feel. But somehow, I like the idea of having a best friend. It’d be so cool to be like JD and Turk or like Ted and Marshall! To know that come what may, there’d be this person who’d give you a hug and say that he’s there for you. And seriously, I’d always prefer a guy to take this spot because of the complexities that may develop if its a girl, you know? Love and all? Pfft and puthuiiii! I seem to feel weird when I even think about the word. The point here is, I really miss having a best friend and being someones best friend. It’s like a title you’d like to own.

One last question: Does it make me a “psycho” or a “madman” if I’m in love with someone and feel insecure? Especially when that person has broken my trust numerous times.

-Anup

My life – A carnival of rust.

Yes, I am totally owned by Poets of the fall as of now and I listen to them sing everyday. I seem to float off into a wonderland when their words fall on my ears. The lyrics seem so perfect and the music? It’s simply outstanding.

POTF

Marko is one of the best vocalists I’ve heard and somehow, I seem to able to listen to him sing over and over again. The guitarist and keyboardist; no doubt create magic with the music they bring out, but its the voice that I love the most. Its easy to get their music, if you know how! Get both their albums if you can. Signs of life and Carnival of Rust \m/

Coming to the part where I’d rant about how lonely and miserable my life is right now… Uhm, I’ve decided to not talk about it, cause, fuck! It’s getting to be alright, slowly, but steadily. I’m good and I guess its better to just continue being the way I am rather than make changes, include people, start depending on them and lose them. Somehow, I don’t feel like getting back to the worst cliche of my life. Make friends (with great difficulty) and then lose them. Sometimes, they just seem to disappear. I’m not sure why they go or where it is that they go to; they just seem to drift off from my life and never come back. Hmmm, its not weird. I am mad, a psycho, thats what I got from someone very close to me.

My old machine seemed to die on me recently. I’m not sure what happened, but the whole screen did the Matrix thing and *poof* it went blank. It struck me that this was the best time to upgrade! Thats precisely what I did. I had to cough out like 5,700 Rs, but thats alright. I got a brand new motherboard. An Asus MB with an inbuilt nVidia graphic chipset, AMD Athlon 4200+ 2.21 Ghz~ and a 2GB RAM stick. My box is fully loaded for now and I feel proud about the way it runs. I managed to rebuild it along with Vista (Buah!) and Ubuntu. Here’s how my desktop looks now:

Desktop

Ohh yeah! Thats cloud and he’s like my new role model. Uhm, for the first time, I felt alright that I kinda liked a rather femalish male! I mean, he looks beautiful. Let me not forget, but he CAN look innocent. I mean, whoa! I recently saw Final Fantasy VII – Advent Children and was totally blown over by Cloud and of course; Sephiroth. The story line is nice and the animation is awesome. Whats outstanding though is the plot and of course the characters. I loved the movie. Apart from this, I watched; Hitman which kind of broke my heart. I saw a CAM print to begin with, plus the overall movie did not seem to carry the plot which the game moved with so well! The depiction of Hitman (Timothy Olyphant) was mediocre and not something that’d cause the Ohh-effect. After this I managed to download and watch National Treasure. I always feel happy after a successful treasure hunt. So, yeah, it was worth the bandwidth.

I’m not sure if I’d get that leave I requested for in February. It kinda sucks, cause I was hoping to do a lot of things when I went to Pune for the first time after I came here. I guess I’ll need to try harder to convince the higher ups! I really need to go home for a while. Apart from that, work has been fine, except of course for the Transport, which seems to be going through some real trouble. I wouldn’t blame them though; because we flock out in sheer numbers and then there are people all over the place. I’m not sure if this could be done in order, but the way it is currently, I spend around 30 minutes pushing and prodding to finally get a cab which would take me all over Bangalore before dropping me home. The people at such kind of high end corporate companies seem tight lipped though. Most of them would chatter non-stop on the phone. The problem is, they talk so soft that you can’t even eavesdrop! Damn; thats when I realize that I have no one to talk to.

Apart from that, I’m still ugly and ohh, people think I look old. WOW! I’m turning Uncle.

-Anup

New year – 2008

I’m sure about that all the millions of blogs on the world wide web would have a post about the onset of new year, 2008. There would be loads of them which are full of fun things that happened and about experiences that they had in year 2007. Mine though wouldn’t have any nostalgic notations because 2007 isn’t a year I’m proud of. Infact, it sucked so much that I’d bury the journal in which I wrote about this year.

 I don’t expect anything from year 2008 because somehow I get the feeling that it’s going to be just as frustrating as 2007 was. I know, I sound like nothing less than a cynical critic; but, somehow I’m slipping. The loneliness gets onto me. I thought I’d be okay with it, however the way I’m being treated by people close to me, somehow seems to take over me and I begin wasting my dignity. I don’t like it and I really want to get back to being a normal guy.

I’m not sure how. Currently, it sucks to be me.

-Anup