Grey.

Should be thinking about my health.
Should be concentrating on work and be thankful.
Should be spending more time with my family.
Should try ‘positivity’ a bit more often.
Should get in touch with friends who have walked away.
Should be happy.

Some of the many things that have ‘should be’s’ attached to them which is a big no-no according to my boss. Therefore technically it is something I avoid on a daily basis at work but when it comes to life this is all I have; a bunch of should be’s. I’ve been saying this to myself and to Shruti on an hourly basis when I need to avoid, procrastinate or just plain defend myself from goals be it the smallest of ones. Damn you Anup! Don’t start off with your never ending rants full of self pity. Its pathetic.

So the point of my post today was about this feeling of helplessness or of a place which seems so dark that you don’t know if you are alive or dead or a noise so vile that you’d rather die than bear it any longer. A point in your life where you feel that killing yourself is easier than dragging on any further. I wonder how someone commits to a decision like this. All of us at various points in our life must have thought of jumping off from somewhere or hitting some shots of Harpic or some such shit to end it all but this thought goes before it comes because we give ourselves ideas of getting out of that place without having to kill ourselves. Even if it means killing someone else. These people though – they achieve a state of Nirvana where their final goal is death and they have the will to reach it.

I am heavily disturbed by this 24 year old who had his whole life ahead of him and still thought it was best if he just ended it all. He was addicted to drugs and was supposedly depressed they said. I did watch the video he made before he jumped off the 17th floor and all that I could see from his face was a whole life ahead of him with a galore of opportunities. At 24 I believe you are at a stage which is like a pedestal that peeks you above everyone else. It lets you look at the world from a high point and gives you the opportunity to choose what you want to do with life. You can decide for yourself, pick what you like and walk or run towards it. Its like a fucking shopping cart; life that is. Fuck all those who talk about wrong decisions. There is neither right nor wrong. Its all about what’s good for you and at 24 you should be sensible enough to decide. Else, jump from a building and die motherfucker! Pisses me off that he thought it was just him affected by this decision. Don’t give me other worldly thoughts and rebellious puns. I don’t give a flying fuck. What you have done is the most cowardice act that there could be. You have perennially hurt your parents, maybe their parents (even more) and friends, the dog you fed on your way back from wherever. Fuck, you have stolen energy from a common space we all share and destroyed it!

Grey because to some it is and to some it is not. For me though, fuck you! Suicide is not a solution.

-Anup

Musebox 32 – A year full of Krisha!

Shruti, my dear dearest; this post I write on OUR behalf more than mine and that’s the reason I’ve only mentioned our daughter and not you, so yeah, that being said lets get on with the post.

Another year went by and I’ve become 33 years old or considering the glass half empty guy that I am, lets say I’m running 33 which does sound a lot older than what it actually is but that’s how I feel so lets keep it at that. I’ve always come by to write a musebox post so why not about year 32, right? Especially since it has been made so eventful with Krisha being all over it. What they say is so true – when you decide to bring new life be ready; always remember that you’re not a couple anymore! What most people forget to mention is that we’re not a couple anymore instead we are a family or if you want to make things sound more tantalizing – we are a gang! A freaking powerhouse if you just jump into the numerous moments of pure bliss radiated by a 3 year old. Now its a totally different thing if you are me and are too busy entertaining yourself. If this is the case you are nothing but an escapist but I’m a self proclaimed one anyway so, meh.

Krisha turned 3 on the 3rd of September and all this time has flown by studded with her many antics, giggles, tears and her ever so demanding demeanor. I always tried to maintain that Musebox posts would be about me because I generally am a self centered narcissist however as time goes by and since we are blessed to have Krisha with us, life is more about her and less about us. I am not sure if this is the case with all parents – maybe it is because kids these days seem to require all our attention. I remember the times when I could go about minding my own business very early in my life. Its only when I’d get into deep shit would my mom or dad come rescue me. Now however, Krisha has either Shruti or me looking out for her constantly. Preventing her every fall, worried for all the mistakes she’ll make and warning her about everything she touches. I sometimes want to yell at myself because of how I am with her. Whatever she touches she hears a no from my end because in my eyes whatever it is that she has touched turns into a weapon of self destruction.

Krisha’s major milestones:

  • Steady school and play time for Krisha.
  • The ability to fight diseases earned from said school.
  • Bladder and bowel control.
  • Fluently converse in English with diction that I am quite happy with. We will build on it soon. Pro tip: Krisha can effectively use the words “actually” and “supposed to” for example “I was supposed to get you water however I found a balloon!”
  • The ability to socialize and make new friends and learn the all too powerful knowledge where you change a standstill situation into a win-win one. For example, “If you touch my cycle, I will touch yours!”
  • Understand “love” and what she feels for her parents which eventually leads to crazy and wet smother sessions!
  • Most importantly, a demeanor to kill for! Is kind – will cry but will give, Is smart – can solve a 102 piece puzzle set, Is confident – can argue till you drop dead and has situational awareness which is of extreme importance in todays world.

I worry when I write walls of texts. Sometimes I find ways to insert an image or a gif into posts which tend to get long but the only image that comes to my mind is a bit too personal to put on here because I am a paranoid father and I’d rather not have my little ones picture anywhere on the web. Its tough though because we are in a digital era and our footprints are all over the place. Add to the fact that she can handle an iPad on her own at age 3.5 is just uncomfortably shocking. I was eating mud at that age and I feel let down about myself when I think of it that way. Damn, I am competitive!

On a completely different note, I know that considering the YouTube generation that we are living in; no one really has the time to subscribe to RSS or read blogs or anything else for that matter however, any further write ups here will be for those select and lucky few who still seem to give a damn about words. More in next.

-Anup

Guidelines & Resolutions

Overall, I have noticed that the last few years of my life have all been about me pampering myself with the best things in life. I have since then become this fat pig who doesn’t have any structure. No really, I mean that physically and psychologically. This has got me to a point in life where I am having to deal with complications that I shouldn’t have at age 31. In any case, I have decided to end the prodigal run and come back to my senses. Here are some rules and I must put them on my pin board (which I am soon to find). I hope to sticky this post so that it always reminds me of these points:

  1. Eat 5-6 times a day; short servings.
  2. Eat Fiber rich food as far as possible.
  3. Include more green veggies in the diet.
  4. Sugar is alright but keep it nominal, on occasions and as need be. Do not consume sugar/sugar based processed items as “food” as this is a major problem!
  5. Eat fruits; but keep the servings to small ones and as snacks.
  6. Reduce milk wherever possible and if needed (tea) try to make home tea with skimmed milk only.
  7. Move whenever possible. Do not sit at a stretch for more than 30 minutes.
  8. Exercise – come up with a plan and do it right. Start with a 30-40 minute brisk walk every day.
  9. SLEEP – Try to get good 7-8 hrs of sleep per day.
  10. Change sleep habits to sleep early and wake up early.
  11. Get rid of the need to play video games. Play when you can and not live when you can.
  12. Get out of the house whenever possible, get some fresh air. Your family deserves it just as well.
  13.  Stop making excuses; be it for anything. Excuses and procrastination are the strongest signs of absolute weakness.
  14. Be nicer to people who are close to you. Taking them for granted is a mistake.
  15. Travel – try to make time to see the world. Use your holidays and money wisely.
  16. Give your friends a call every now and then. If possible, visit and catch up. Friends are your lifeline.
  17. Concentrate on work when at work and ensure to not be out of focus. Set tangible goals and plans.
  18. Come back home with a smile on your face and not a frown. Your work grumpiness can be left at your desk.
  19. Stress does not help so take it easy and go with the flow.
  20. Finally, be happy! That’s what life should be all about.

I don’t quite know where I’d reach this with this but here’s a solemn promise that I will try hard.

-Anup

The death of COMPASSION

You know what’s funny? Its the fact that I had to double check how I spelled the word compassion just to confirm if I got it right. Although it speaks volumes about my self-proclaimed understanding of the English language what alarms me more is the fact that I had to give it a thought and affirm with a search engine; the very essence that makes us human – to feel for one another. I feel its been ages since its gone. Now you see it in TV commercials and WhatsApp forwards where you try to show your children little clippings for re-enacted events of the past where people actually smiled where they had time for another man’s problems where we all just had more time for each other. Even if it were to cat fight and argue about some small little thing. What it meant was that we still cared. As human beings we acknowledged the presence of others in our lives and we felt for each other. It horrifies me when I think about events that I have been witness to over the past decade where compassion seems to be dead in totality. I am not someone pointing fingers or blaming time or people for this. Neither am I blaming god. This isn’t me just cribbing and playing the blame game. This is just me realizing how far we have come as beings of a futuristic bright world where everything is bright and gay.

I’m proud to have been born in the 80’s – those according to me were the golden ages where two paradigm shifting times met. The 50’s-60’s&70’s met the 90’s-to-date. We were bang in the middle and our childhood was so blissful. We had neighbors that cared and stray dogs that chased that cricket ball with you. We had a lot less diseases and that lone tree right in front of your house which served as your cricket stumps when playing with that lone other friend who thought it was alright to be out playing forever as far as he had you. Gone are the days when the TV was meant for the adults and the phone was a luxury that many would just ignore as they were content with just one phone in the neighborhood and all of them could get their messages there. Now a family of 4 has a minimum of 6 phones hiding their dark secrets from each other. We had communities; be it in school or at home. This ensured that we had people to look up to, we had people to perform for, we had people to play with and we had people to sit around and share a meal with. Now, we sit in different corners of a room and chew listlessly on food ordered from some place across some street meekly staring at a TV that never gets rest while that tiny new thing in our lives looks on at our face confused at what my folks are looking at on that very unreal thing when I’m right here with my pranks and smiles? Heh, I really have no answer for all these times when I seem to delve into a cloud of dark realization and self pity. There is always a catalyst I tell you and this time its something that’s deeply affecting me and what’s strange is that there is nothing I can do about it.

I won’t quite get into the detail of things but its just that there’s this incurable skin condition I have called “Lichen Planus” – you guys (those who come by) can google it up. Its an average to rare skin ailment stemming out of poor health reasons caused due to years of abuse to ones body. You don’t quite know this but you yourself dig a tiny little grave for your skin to rest in. All the good things you ate over the period of time where you left home and you thought you were invincible up until now decide to haunt you and they make a triumphant return in a re splendid fashion giving you sleeplessly itchy nights. No I don’t mean to gross you’ll out – its just that I never thought I’d be pushed into a corner like this. Heh, not that my life’s come to an end or something but I feel cornered suddenly as my life was moving along at a decent pace and had good momentum. I knew that there was this lingering issue but I never bothered too much and this was till I decided to take it up seriously and do my research. Seems glum.

Getting back to my point though. The above state of mind made me think back about where I came from and what my childhood was like, my culture, my people, my street, my childhood friends, my school and all those events which would never ever come back and which I cannot transfer as experience to my darling daughter. I could only wish for her to have gone to the kind of school I did. Since I spent 12 years there, it is only fitting for me to say that my school was what made me who I am; as a person. I am a decent human being. I have my flaws but don’t we all deal with different kinds of flaws at one point in time or another? I speak about that poor old beggar who sat in the corner next to the medical shop from where I caught my van to my Junior High and back and how it was that there was a small daily amount of Rs 2 that I could save considering that dad gave me 10 bucks to and from school and 10 bucks for food as need be. I did use up one of them on the one hour session at the cyber cafe and the other 10 had to be used for travelling. I am still left with Rs 2 that I would hope to save for 5 days so that it converts to 10 bucks which I could use for something else. However on my way back, my eyes would meet his and all I could do was give him the 2 bucks for that bite of food which kept him going. I wonder if kids these days would feel the way we did when we were small and tiny. Shruti spoke about how the security guard at my sisters building picked up a couple of 14 years old with pot/weed and how heart breaking it was to notice that a generation is dying while we all continue to chase our dreams.

Meh, COMPASSION? Nuff said.

-Anup

Musebox 31 – Year ending 2014

photo(1)The year is about to end and here’s wishing a grand good bye to 2014. As usual I am a day too late to come up with updates and no I am not here to give excuses because the year has been an excellent one considering that me and my partner in crime; Shruti have had our little devil grow into this beautiful little ball of joy that makes us laugh and cry at the same time. No, I’m not kidding about this. We never knew that a small little thing like her could hold us hostage. Ohh and tears! I am sure she can contract for water if she wanted to cause tears just flow so naturally and easily at her will. All this apart we have been blissfully lucky to have her with us and there isn’t a day that goes by where we don’t thank god for giving her to us. She’s the prettiest thing we have seen and she is and will be forever – the queen of our heart.

This year has zoomed through at the speed of light. Work has been hectic and as I explained above we have had someone who just sucks every desire in us to look at anything else but her and hell no, I say that with absolutely no remorse. Though there are times when it seems too much for us to take; one smile and it all goes away. More than me its her, Shruti, the mother – the life-giver. Here is where you as a man see how inconsequential you are. All you contribute towards that life seems so minuscule when you observe from so close as to what a mother gives to get you to be where you are. In the end all you end up wishing is not for your offspring to love, respect or be there for you. All you wish for is for that child to know her mothers worth and be there for her – forever because you would never have had the power to move a limb if it weren’t for her. So here’s saluting all the millions of mothers out there. What you do is never truly recognized and it is in one of these very weak moments where us men tend to say – hey, thank you. Thank you for everything.

Work has been killer this entire year and no its not because I’m doing a lot of things. Its this one project which has clung on to me like tar to road. Its so sticky that it just won’t let go and I’m sure that even when it supposedly gets over I’d have stains and I’ll still be stuck in one way or the other to the road and I’ll have tons of people drive all over me. See the reference there? I’ve made way for people to commute and I know that I’ll get stuck on that very way. I tried to be Euphemistic there but no, I just can’t get it sound any less grim. The fuckin’ project is such that the management doesn’t give a fuck, the users don’t give two fucks and it seems like its just the Project team that see how important it is. Meh, important you ask? Fuck that – we are scrubs who work for nothing more than money. There is no respect and I’ve been living like this for far too long but then its Ka-ching you know? However much you earn the lesser it seems. God damn it, stop being such a sucker for pity Anup. Tell them about all the real life awesomeness that you’re missing out on just cause you’d rather sit in front of the thing-that-shows-you-whats-not-real instead of picking up that kid and going to the garden. Smell that fresh air, you know? Ahhh, let me get to that in small simple pointers.

  • I live a dream most people can only dream of – I swear to god!
  • I don’t seem to see all the good that my life has studded all over the place.
  • My wife loves me too god damn much for my own good. I am 97 kgs and counting.
  • Weight loss is a journey that we both embark on every single day and fail at it twice on the same day at the least.
  • …continuing – we are like spiders. We never give up!
  • I live in a country where me and my family can be out on the street at any given point in time and not fear for our safety.
  • I drive a car that I could only have dreamed of; elsewhere.
  • I can jog a couple of miles if I still wanted to. Hope I see the good in this.
  • I got a total of 46 paid days off this year – WTF?

So yes, the above should stand testimony to the fact that I need to live each and every moment of life rather than cribbing about how much it could have been better. Of course it can be made better but no one else except me can work towards it because god knows and I do too that nature has given me everything that I need, I have all the tools to ensure that I grow old well. How I utilize this is left unto me and if I fail at it I have no one but me to blame. For now though, I seem to get crowded by thoughts and heavy words like “responsibilities” which is something every middle aged man goes through and these struggles are something you wade through to ensure that you see that sense of purposed which drives our lives. I am still running circles though with Shruti and Krisha right in the middle. They seem to bear up with my stupid bouts of anger, idiosyncrasies that I myself don’t understand and yes finally – all the luggage that I seem to carry. Ohh God, help me just shed the weight and feel light cause that’s what I want to feel. But then again, here we have another year of achievements and I am sure that I’ll win if I have these guys by my side. That’s it for now I guess.

<3 my lovelies. I know I talk a lot and don’t do much but I will try to get better. Hope you have faith in me and remember – patience is key with me!

-Anup