The missing best friend story.

Sometimes I wonder; what it’d be like, to have a friend. A friend close enough to know everything about me. A friend who would never turn on me. Someone who’d always share and someone who wouldn’t betray. I’m not sure how this feels, but I guess it feels like heaven to have someone like that. To have a genuine friend. Or in laymen terms, to have a “best friend”

bf

I’ve never had someone like that unfortunately and from the beginning, I’ve just crawled, squeezed or pushed myself into being part of some group and then just linger around till it breaks off. Well, when I look back at myself and the friends I’ve had, its just a handful and most of them don’t even know where I am now. Uhm, no, this is not one of those posts dedicated to my loneliness. This one is dedicated to friendship and how I miss it.

I have to add that I’ve been part of one of the best gangs ever; at my workplace that is and I knew quite a lot of people who envied the way we were. Maybe thats what went wrong, or maybe the fact that we weren’t well balanced as a gang. Each and everyone of us had our own secret problems and dark secrets which when revealed bought a series of breakups which resulted in the overall annihilation of the so called “coolest gang” on earth! I’ve decided to be away from people and I’m not sorry about it. What I’m sorry about is the fact that I’ve had a few people walk into my life who would have been really close to me had I given them a chance. Instead, I preferred to sit with myself and curse the gods about how lonely he’s made me. Even now, I can get up and go get something to do, but well, I just don’t feel like it. I prefer sitting in front of my machine here, which simply rocks my world after the upgrade and play games, surf the internet and watch series after series; current one – Scrubs!

So, coming back to the best friend topic. I know that it’s a pretty girlish thing or so most of the guys might feel. But somehow, I like the idea of having a best friend. It’d be so cool to be like JD and Turk or like Ted and Marshall! To know that come what may, there’d be this person who’d give you a hug and say that he’s there for you. And seriously, I’d always prefer a guy to take this spot because of the complexities that may develop if its a girl, you know? Love and all? Pfft and puthuiiii! I seem to feel weird when I even think about the word. The point here is, I really miss having a best friend and being someones best friend. It’s like a title you’d like to own.

One last question: Does it make me a “psycho” or a “madman” if I’m in love with someone and feel insecure? Especially when that person has broken my trust numerous times.

-Anup

My life – A carnival of rust.

Yes, I am totally owned by Poets of the fall as of now and I listen to them sing everyday. I seem to float off into a wonderland when their words fall on my ears. The lyrics seem so perfect and the music? It’s simply outstanding.

POTF

Marko is one of the best vocalists I’ve heard and somehow, I seem to able to listen to him sing over and over again. The guitarist and keyboardist; no doubt create magic with the music they bring out, but its the voice that I love the most. Its easy to get their music, if you know how! Get both their albums if you can. Signs of life and Carnival of Rust \m/

Coming to the part where I’d rant about how lonely and miserable my life is right now… Uhm, I’ve decided to not talk about it, cause, fuck! It’s getting to be alright, slowly, but steadily. I’m good and I guess its better to just continue being the way I am rather than make changes, include people, start depending on them and lose them. Somehow, I don’t feel like getting back to the worst cliche of my life. Make friends (with great difficulty) and then lose them. Sometimes, they just seem to disappear. I’m not sure why they go or where it is that they go to; they just seem to drift off from my life and never come back. Hmmm, its not weird. I am mad, a psycho, thats what I got from someone very close to me.

My old machine seemed to die on me recently. I’m not sure what happened, but the whole screen did the Matrix thing and *poof* it went blank. It struck me that this was the best time to upgrade! Thats precisely what I did. I had to cough out like 5,700 Rs, but thats alright. I got a brand new motherboard. An Asus MB with an inbuilt nVidia graphic chipset, AMD Athlon 4200+ 2.21 Ghz~ and a 2GB RAM stick. My box is fully loaded for now and I feel proud about the way it runs. I managed to rebuild it along with Vista (Buah!) and Ubuntu. Here’s how my desktop looks now:

Desktop

Ohh yeah! Thats cloud and he’s like my new role model. Uhm, for the first time, I felt alright that I kinda liked a rather femalish male! I mean, he looks beautiful. Let me not forget, but he CAN look innocent. I mean, whoa! I recently saw Final Fantasy VII – Advent Children and was totally blown over by Cloud and of course; Sephiroth. The story line is nice and the animation is awesome. Whats outstanding though is the plot and of course the characters. I loved the movie. Apart from this, I watched; Hitman which kind of broke my heart. I saw a CAM print to begin with, plus the overall movie did not seem to carry the plot which the game moved with so well! The depiction of Hitman (Timothy Olyphant) was mediocre and not something that’d cause the Ohh-effect. After this I managed to download and watch National Treasure. I always feel happy after a successful treasure hunt. So, yeah, it was worth the bandwidth.

I’m not sure if I’d get that leave I requested for in February. It kinda sucks, cause I was hoping to do a lot of things when I went to Pune for the first time after I came here. I guess I’ll need to try harder to convince the higher ups! I really need to go home for a while. Apart from that, work has been fine, except of course for the Transport, which seems to be going through some real trouble. I wouldn’t blame them though; because we flock out in sheer numbers and then there are people all over the place. I’m not sure if this could be done in order, but the way it is currently, I spend around 30 minutes pushing and prodding to finally get a cab which would take me all over Bangalore before dropping me home. The people at such kind of high end corporate companies seem tight lipped though. Most of them would chatter non-stop on the phone. The problem is, they talk so soft that you can’t even eavesdrop! Damn; thats when I realize that I have no one to talk to.

Apart from that, I’m still ugly and ohh, people think I look old. WOW! I’m turning Uncle.

-Anup

New year – 2008

I’m sure about that all the millions of blogs on the world wide web would have a post about the onset of new year, 2008. There would be loads of them which are full of fun things that happened and about experiences that they had in year 2007. Mine though wouldn’t have any nostalgic notations because 2007 isn’t a year I’m proud of. Infact, it sucked so much that I’d bury the journal in which I wrote about this year.

 I don’t expect anything from year 2008 because somehow I get the feeling that it’s going to be just as frustrating as 2007 was. I know, I sound like nothing less than a cynical critic; but, somehow I’m slipping. The loneliness gets onto me. I thought I’d be okay with it, however the way I’m being treated by people close to me, somehow seems to take over me and I begin wasting my dignity. I don’t like it and I really want to get back to being a normal guy.

I’m not sure how. Currently, it sucks to be me.

-Anup

Missing people

My friends

It’s been around 3 weeks since I’ve come over to Bangalore and thus to HP, like I already mentioned and sometimes (most often than not) I miss people from Pune. This happens regularly and its like bouts of pain that I don’t like.

But… I really miss them. ALL of them.

Story of my life.

It’s been over a week since I joined HP and I must say that the place (It’s ambience and the overall corporate feel) rocks! The post though is not about HP or about me moving to Bangalore or anything closely related to the events of my life. The post is about an eventful day in my life – Monday the 3rd of November.

 The day is eventful because I saw 4 movies one after the other on that day. I broke my own record of 3. But thats not the reason it’s eventful. I’ve seen movies one after the other before this and during those times it used to be fun. Why? I had 5-6 of my closest friends with me and of course, Smita was amongst them. So, even though it kinda sucked in a way, I still had fun. Coming back to why the day was eventful; well, I watched all the 4 movies alone. In a city like Bangalore, where people just fill every nook and corner they find, I couldn’t find one person who would be willing to accompany me.

I’m not sure why, but I’d just call the day eventful and not lonely. I never felt lonely. Infact, I was at peace. I never got time to curse myself, because the movies went like this:

1) 10:45 AM – Breach 2) 1:00 PM – Mallu movie (Chocolate) 3) 3:30 PM – The Kingdom 4) 5:30 PM – Beowulf

So, the day just passed by and I went home at around 8:30. I wasn’t sad, but my life just felt void of people. The sad part was that I enjoyed this. I liked being alone. I liked malling alone. Going through the stores, rummaging through whatever it is that they have to display, watching movies alone, eating alone, looking at really cute couples holding hands! I did all of this alone and true to my heart, I really felt good!

I realize sadly, that every passing day I am slipping back to being the me I used to dislike. There was a time when I was alone and I used to feel alright about it. Then Convergys happened. Abhijit, Mank, Smita, Muiz and the rest happened. The promotions at Convergys happened. The numerous outings we had as friends happened. Love happened. Heh, I know; I’m ranting like an 80 year old who has lived through all the cliches you could probably imagine, but thats the true story of my life now. I wouldn’t blame Smita for any of this though. Certain parts of my brain wants me to call her all kinds of names and hate her, but then when I think about it, the poor thing has nothing to do with my problems. She couldn’t love me; thats all. Is that sin? Shit happens. Mank is another person I cant hate. I try to keep away though and I will keep away till I go so far that I don’t need to try! These are people I like and people I’d never want to forget. I’d only take with me, the good I got from them.

I miss Abhi the most. I miss Smita too, but that’s ok, I guess. I don’t get a chance to miss Smikh though. She’s a total sweetheart and never lets me be out of touch. Must give her credits for being so closely knit. Most importantly, I miss Sneha, mom and dad. But then, I don’t think about them much; cause they’re mine and they can’t go anywhere. They just can’t run from me like the others have.

Ok, so let me get downt to the heart of this entry. Reviews on the 4 movies I saw.

1) Breach: The movie seemed slow to begin with, but then it took off on a steep one. Somehow, the story revolves around Robert Hannsen (Chris Cooper) and Eric’O’Neill (Ryan Phillippe). I’m not sure if more charecters would have spoilt the movie. Well, I guess it would have. The sad part is that I expected more from a “picturization” point of view. I expected there to be a couple of twists and turns. Apart from that, this is an adaptation from a true story, so we all know how it’d end. It’s a cliche-dream come true from beginning to end. I wouldn’t call it a bad attempt, but it’s a movie where I could predict the next scenes and it’d come true. No further comments on this one.

2) Mallu movie – It rocked. I’m sure no one would want reviews on this.

3) The Kingdom – Boring. Sucked.

4) Beowulf – Animation at it’s best. I love the Max kinda Animation. And I like stories and fables come true. The coolest part was an animated Angelina Jolie; Naked! Wow, thats a killer combo. I’m not going to share the plot or the story and spoil it for anyone. It’s a must watch, so go watch it. One thing for sure; it’s full “paisa vasool”

More; if and when I write next.

Passive smoking.

To begin with, this post is intended to those who smoke and those who live alongside all of these unsuspecting innocent, able men and women. Those who choose to spend money to buy something that not only burns them, but also people who love them and care for them. Now, this might sound exaggerated to most, but trust me, from all the reading that I’ve done about this; it seems scary. I’ve been trying to avoid smoke as much as I can, but since I work in an industry full of people who like to burn tobacco and inhale it deep down, mash it with carbon dioxide and then exhale it out, there’s little I can do to keep myself aloof all the smoke plaguing my environment.

I’ve always known that my life is going to be shorter than my forefathers and trust me, I don’t give a damn. It’s difficult anyway. What concerns me is the way I reach my grave. I certainly don’t want to be another victim of smoke caused death. I’ve discussed this with a few and most seem to think on lines where smoke has become a part of their life and they can do nothing about it. I am very sure that most of them don’t know what they’re doing.

Choosing to smoke and destroying your own health is one thing but passive smoking, also known as Environmental Tobacco Smoke (ETS) or Secondhand Smoke (SHS), damages the health of those around you. These people have no choice as to whether or not they are exposed to your harmful smoke. Passive smoking constitutes a serious public health risk to both children and adults.

It is also a major source of indoor air pollution. A non-smoker is subjected to both the “sidestream” smoke from the burning tip of the cigarette and the “mainstream” smoke that has been inhaled and then is exhaled into their environment by the smoker. Nearly four-fifths of the smoke that builds up in a room containing a smoker is of the more harmful “sidestream” type.

Most of us may not notice the prolonged side effects of passive smoking. Almost all of us believe that we don’t smoke and that keeps us safe. There’s a revelation that I wanted to share

Any person exposed to passive smoking may experience short-term symptoms such as a headache, a cough, wheezing, an eye irritation, a sore throat, nausea or dizziness. Adults with asthma may also experience a significant decline in lung function when exposed to secondhand smoke. Under these conditions it can take as little as half an hour for an individual’s coronary blood flow to become reduced.

It was estimated that prolonged exposure to secondhand tobacco smoke, such as in the home, increases the risk of lung cancer by approximately 20 to 25%. Even if you do not accept the accuracy of these percentages, it is well established that you have an increased chance of developing lung cancer through passive smoking if you are a non-smoker but live with someone who smokes. The chances of suffering from ischaemic heart disease is greater for those exposed to passive smoking compared to those who are not. Studies have shown that the risk of experiencing a heart attack is believed to be almost doubled by regular exposure to secondhand smoke.

I mean, this makes my headspin, because I live in a society full of men and women who cannot quit smoking. It’s a part of their intake of oxygen, it’s something that drives their brain to think (something so gaseous?), it’s even something that pushes them to crap in the morning. The bloody burning stick causes pain and suffering beyond our wildest imagination. I do not want to come up with numbers, because guess what? Most of my freinds, smoke. I am a passive smoker. And what can I do about it? Nothing. When I think, what am I without these people? I can see nothing but smoke.

To continue to smoke and put the health of your family and loved-ones at risk would seem, on the face of it, to be a rather selfish act. When you take into account the damage that smoking is doing to your own body then it seems more like insanity. Think of how traumatic it would be if a member of your family became ill or died because of your smoking habit. Now consider the fact that they would feel exactly the same way if smoking ended your life prematurely or made you seriously ill. But well, who cares?

You talk about this to a smoker and he/she would say – TALK TO MY HAND; and there you’d see a lit cigarette.

Amen.