Freedom

I feel at peace when I write this. Please. Let there be no misconceptions that I have attained freedom from life (even though thats what I thought was better until a couple of days ago) I have attained freedom from fear! A fear, a constant feeling that has been haunting me from 2 and a half years now. A fear of losing someone very important to me. And here’s the truth; I have lost her.

What keeps me calm right now is the fact that I haven’t done what I said I’d do – kill myself. I really couldn’t do that. Quite a few reasons; I am not a coward, I have people who look up to me and I have one hellova family who really stood by during the last few very troublesome days. Moreover, my friends, I have a couple I could mention – Abhijit and Muiz. These guys just held me throughout. Listened to me spill it out and finish it. I have puked it all out. Now, its void. No hate and there surely is no love.

Freedom

I am pretty sure that there would be no remorse from my other half. She is calm, very peaceful and currently sleeping. Like she says, “You have not known me” I wish I wouldn’t have known you! I just wish. The injury is done, I feel its pain and it’d probably go. What remains is me being scarred for life. I dedicate the entire album – The Division bell, by Pink Floyd to her and to the situation I am in. Its just perfect. Adding one of the songs in here:

[audio:http://www.anup.org/audio/take.mp3]

Anyway, she has ended something that she should have ended long time ago. Considering her to be more mature out of the two of us (or so she says!) What bothered me was the way in which she ended it. I totally agree that I’ve been obsessive about her and that I’ve probably overburdened her with love. This is a very common mistake and a lot of guys do it. What this deserves is a break up, a heartbreak and if that results to death, its ok! At least be true and tell him that you do not wish to be with him. Is it better to hide what you feel, give him wrong hope and then after a long time, a time when he thinks he cant live without you; you kill him anyway? Is this justice?

People who heard the story said that we both have been at fault. I’m just going to agree to them and shut the fuck up and move on. I know, there is no other way, but… could I have tried harder? Could I have done anything to make her stay? Guess not. I tried my best. My very best and even though she does not see it, I gave a lot to the both of us. Time, patience and everything else. I really can’t see what came from her side. Except for tolerance though. She tolerated me. I agree. What was ideally required was for her to help me. She never tried.

So, freedom be to her and to me. May she do very well in whatever it is that she does. May she live well with the new light in her life and may god bless her. I’m not trying to be good. Its just that… I still love her. I can’t talk my heart out of it. He just doesn’t listen. Anyway, I’m ready to relive. Time to end the fear and time to accept my freedom. Thanks for all that you’ve given me luvey. I’d be forever, indebted to you.

Her gift to me just before Valentines, oh yes, this was it:

Rip my heart out and walk away…

-Anup

Going home

Finally, its the 8th and tomorrow, I’d be off to Pune. Do I sound like someone who hasn’t visited home since a million years?! Well, it feels like that this time. I’m not sure why, but I really missed Pune. I think its because of CVG, the people there, my friends, my team mates and of course, her! I’m dying to meet her.

Things aren’t looking up for me and I know it. I might as well return back with loads of loads of tears and sadness, but thats ok! At least I’ll have a convinced heart. I have to talk to her. I need to tell her how I feel and then if she feels more strongly about that space and if she really needs a break, then so be it – she gets it! Without a doubt, this time I will do it. Its just that I can’t be alone on Valentines! Its a very special day for me.

I missed mom and Sneha somehow and I feel like talking to them and eating the food mom cooks. Somehow, I’m certain that this would be my last trip to Pune for some time after. I’ll need to stay back, control my stupid brain/heart and kind of let people be. So, this time, I’ve planned to be good. Just enjoy myself and not make a mincemeat of the not-so-hellish life I have as of now. I know that its going to turn into hell very soon and thats the reason I say, this one week is very important for me. I will apologize and I will accept my faults.

Well, thats it with that. Apart from that, I’ve been tuning in to this new band (for me) called motherjane; which is a Kerala based Rock band. Totally owns. www.motherjane.net. Insane biography is neat. I like it.

MJ

Apart from that, I have escaped without trauma for the last few days because Abhi is here. Abhi; he is an awesome person. Someone who can just wish your worries away with his laughs. I’m not going to type about how important he is; when it comes to me and my life, but since he’s been that secret box, I’d like to thank him from the bottom of my heart for being there. For being there and listening to me yell out my fears. Thanks Abhi. Well, thats it for now. I don’t feel the flow for now. I’m just plain excited to be going home! I’ll track back within a week. Till then…

A solitary ramble…

I try my best to avoid discussing my loneliness because I’m sure about the fact that no one would be interested in reading about my desolate life. Pfft, am I hoping too much here? Who is even reading here? Except for me of course. I keep reading my own writings over and over again, cause I feel calmer after I’ve read my words which narrate my life which as of now seems to be nothing but a solitary ramble of unimportant and trivial happenings.

Lonely

I hope, everyday, that things will get better and that I’d find friends, I’d probably find people I like being with and like talking to. Unfortunately, I seem to move more and more into myself each day. I used to frequently visit my Uncle and my cousins who live a few houses away, but now, I don’t feel like going over. I somehow seem to prefer sitting at home cause once I return from there the loneliness seems to strike me more. I start missing home and my parents. This hasn’t happened to me before. This did not happen when I came to Bangalore before this. Probably because I never had friends when I left Pune. Or maybe because I came to Bangalore, then, to live my life. This time, I have just run away from my worst nightmares and thats what I’m still trying to do. Again, unfortunately, the scar of my previous attempt at making friends is still green. Somehow, it isn’t healing itself or maybe I am not letting it heal away. I want it to remain, just so that it reminds me that trusting people isn’t possible anymore.

My life has become monotonous. Everyday is the same and there is no change. I used to have a vibrant and colourful life back in Pune. Of course, most of it came from someone; who I found out later was actually faking love, tolerating me just because she was scared of me. Well, I was stupid. And how do I forget about my friends? I’ve had amazing friends and I will never forget them. I miss them whenever I think about making new friends. But, uhm, guess the problem here isn’t about me making friends. The problem is I don’t meet a lot of people to make friends. My office is full of people who are in their mid-lives and they have a family to support. Wife, children and other liabilities and responsibilities. People who’d just want to run back home, grab a bear and be with their family rather than have a decent conversation with me. The thing is, HP is a kind of place where you’d want to settle down. People come here after they’ve lived life, you know? Experimented all kind of shit and now, they just wish to earn their dough and go home. I am not indicating that HP is not the right place for me. It’s just that I feel, sometimes, that I’ve landed here too soon. I did not get enough out of CVG maybe! It’s just a maybe.

Just to make points about my life as of today (which is nothing less than a cliche):

-Wake up, get ready and go to work.
-Work, eat and listen to music.
-Get back, TV, computer, the internet.
-Sleep.
-Repeat.
-Weekend: A 2 day TV schedule.

The most weirdest part is that I don’t see a silver lining anywhere. Somehow, I don’t know where I’m headed. I requested mom and Sneha to come over for a week or so. But, dad is alone and he works hard. Understandably, he cannot be left alone and thus, I decided to not coax mom about coming over. She’d come after March anyway. Over and above this; she seems to be completely oblivious about my situation and her ignorance continues to torture me. I’m sure that I’ll deal with the “being alone” thing. I’ll get used to that and one day stop wanting friends.

What I can’t ignore is her ignorance.

 P.S: I’ve changed the theme and I like it.

-Anup

Homesick

Alright, so I know that its too early to miss home, but I was watching Taare Zameen par yesterday; for the second time and this time off the internet, and thats when I realized that I miss my mommy! Who wouldn’t? Especially after a song like this:

[audio:http://www.anup.org/audio/taare.mp3]

Main Kabhi Batlata Nahin
Par Andhere Se Darta Hoon Main Maa
Yun To Main,Dikhlata Nahin
Teri Parwaah Karta Hoon Main Maa
Tujhe Sab Hain Pata, Hain Na Maa
Tujhe Sab Hain Pata,,Meri Maa

Bheed Mein Yun Na Chodo Mujhe
Ghar Laut Ke Bhi Aa Naa Paoon Maa
Bhej Na Itna Door Mujkko Tu
Yaad Bhi Tujhko Aa Naa Paoon Maa
Kya Itna Bura Hoon Main Maa
Kya Itna Bura Meri Maa

Jab Bhi Kabhi Papa Mujhe
Jo Zor Se Jhoola Jhulate Hain Maa
Meri Nazar Dhoondhe Tujhe
Sochu Yahi Tu Aa Ke Thaamegi Maa

Unse Main Yeh Kehta Nahin
Par Main Seham Jaata Hoon Maa
Chehre Pe Aana Deta Nahin
Dil Hi Dil Mein Ghabraata Hoon Maa
Tujhe Sab Hai Pata Hai Naa Maa
Tujhe Sab Hai Pata Meri Maa

Main Kabhi Batlata Nahin
Par Andhere Se Darta Hoon Main Maa
Yun To Main,Dikhlata Nahin
Teri Parwaah Karta Hoon Main Maa
Tujhe Sab Hain Pata, Hain Na Maa
Tujhe Sab Hain Pata,,Meri Maa

I cried throughout the song and I don’t feel weird about it. The lyrics are simple and to the point. It’s about how kids are attached to their moms. My mom has been very tolerant with me and she’s braved the scum who live around her. People who thought they’d boast about how hard working and successful their kids are and, “Ohhh! Anup didn’t make it through, is it?” And they’d twist their mouth and face in a way which, in my eyes; makes them look like worthless beggers. I hated everyone in the mallu society I lived in. Except for their kids of course. I miss them all, my childhood friends. I’m not sure what they’d be upto. I haven’t kept a track of what they were upto.

Dad might decide to make a quick halt at Bangalore before going to Kerala. He needs to supervise the new house that we’re building there. I hope he gets time to come by. I’m desperate to show him my flat. As in, not my flat; but rented flat that I live in. I’ve kept it neat and clean (which is weird for a bachelor) He thought I’d live a lousy life, huh?! I feel awesome when he likes what I’ve done.

I miss Abhi and Smikh a lot. These are the people who used to talk to me all the time and I miss being with them. Apart from them, the most important person is Sneha. I miss being with her. Man, I really need that leave in February. I haven’t gotten any confirmation from my manager; which is beginning to get on my nerves. I get frustrated a bit too soon. Anyway, I’ll try to get talking to the boss pretty soon. Well, thats it. I hate it when the nostalgia floods my mind!

-Anup

The missing best friend story.

Sometimes I wonder; what it’d be like, to have a friend. A friend close enough to know everything about me. A friend who would never turn on me. Someone who’d always share and someone who wouldn’t betray. I’m not sure how this feels, but I guess it feels like heaven to have someone like that. To have a genuine friend. Or in laymen terms, to have a “best friend”

bf

I’ve never had someone like that unfortunately and from the beginning, I’ve just crawled, squeezed or pushed myself into being part of some group and then just linger around till it breaks off. Well, when I look back at myself and the friends I’ve had, its just a handful and most of them don’t even know where I am now. Uhm, no, this is not one of those posts dedicated to my loneliness. This one is dedicated to friendship and how I miss it.

I have to add that I’ve been part of one of the best gangs ever; at my workplace that is and I knew quite a lot of people who envied the way we were. Maybe thats what went wrong, or maybe the fact that we weren’t well balanced as a gang. Each and everyone of us had our own secret problems and dark secrets which when revealed bought a series of breakups which resulted in the overall annihilation of the so called “coolest gang” on earth! I’ve decided to be away from people and I’m not sorry about it. What I’m sorry about is the fact that I’ve had a few people walk into my life who would have been really close to me had I given them a chance. Instead, I preferred to sit with myself and curse the gods about how lonely he’s made me. Even now, I can get up and go get something to do, but well, I just don’t feel like it. I prefer sitting in front of my machine here, which simply rocks my world after the upgrade and play games, surf the internet and watch series after series; current one – Scrubs!

So, coming back to the best friend topic. I know that it’s a pretty girlish thing or so most of the guys might feel. But somehow, I like the idea of having a best friend. It’d be so cool to be like JD and Turk or like Ted and Marshall! To know that come what may, there’d be this person who’d give you a hug and say that he’s there for you. And seriously, I’d always prefer a guy to take this spot because of the complexities that may develop if its a girl, you know? Love and all? Pfft and puthuiiii! I seem to feel weird when I even think about the word. The point here is, I really miss having a best friend and being someones best friend. It’s like a title you’d like to own.

One last question: Does it make me a “psycho” or a “madman” if I’m in love with someone and feel insecure? Especially when that person has broken my trust numerous times.

-Anup