Drizzle me back!

RainThis might sound like another one of my posts dedicated to my love for this city – Bangalore and Yes! It sure is. I love this city very much. I thought I had stopped wanting to be here or sometimes I ended up thinking that the others who bitched about this place were right. God Bangalore traffic, the people, the food, the crowd, the expensive place that it is and it went on. Most people crossed usual limits of hatred when describing their time here in Bangalore. I wouldn’t want to sound like an insensitive bastard who doesn’t under their feelings, but seriously; is this place that bad?

I mean, common, whats wrong? Traffic? You’ve got FM, you’ve got music, you’ve got people, you’ve got such a lot of things to do when you’re stuck in traffic. What else? Its crowded? I actually feel more secure because of all the people I find around me. And moreover, it is unsafe, they say. Tell me, where is it safe these days anyway? Its unfair to curse the city for stupid reasons like traffic, unfriendly people and overcrowded malls. If you don’t like the malls because its crowded; don’t go! If you don’t like the people, don’t talk. I really can’t loathe the masses enough; those who curse this city for no reason. Hey you! Yes, you… I despise you.

When I look at this city, I see my future here. I look at the roads and I see that they’re working on it. The traffic, ahh, its chaotic, I throw a tantrum whenever I feel like it, but thats when the FM comes into picture and I seem to forget the pain! Now, I’m sure a lot of people aren’t patient, but trust me, you just need to give yourself in. The more you struggle, the more you end up frustrating yourself. I’ve learned that its better to give in than struggle in this god forsaken world. People don’t know love anymore, so why would you try? Just let yourself go and let time fly by! Things will happen as they are supposed to. You and I cannot alter time or the proceedings it carries with itself. All we can do is swim along or against its waves, but then, it’ll decide who wins and who drowns!

Must stop myself from ranting so much. Anyway, the deal is, its drizzling, here in Bangalore and when it drizzles, I just fall in love with the world around me. The roads, the green leaves dripping droplets of heavenly tears, the wet puppies vigorously shaking themselves off of all the mud and water they’ve just played in. The people getting wet and still managing to smile! Finally, me. I love the rains so so much! Especially when its just drizzling, when its just perfect, when it isn’t a downpour, when it seems like its evening for 3 days in a row. The whole weather and the breeze make me happy. I love the nostalgia that grips me after that and luckily, all the moments I have thought of up to now have been “those golden moments” I’ve managed to keep myself away from feeling bad for myself or anyone else and I must say that I’ve been very successful at it. I’m sure its going to get hotter in Bangalore soon and then we’d probably have non-stop rain for days… after June that is. So, there’ll come this day where I’d really want to sing “Rain rain go away, come again another day!” but till that day comes, I’m just going to wait for it to rain more and I’m going to enjoy this drizzle of hope!

Other news; 94.3 FM rocks. I love all the RJ’s there, Pavithra, Anjaan, Prithvi, Pallavi, Shilpa and so on! My family has moved out of our old place… again! Yes, *sigh* Thats like the n’th house that we’re shifting to in over 3 years. Works good. The ambiance within HP still seems to own me. The monkeys are now scared of me; I guess. I scared one of their alfa males off recently and it was fun! I rammed my car into a pillar today and I’ve marked it like a man from one of the olden Zulu tribes. Its covered with blood stains from all the pounding that I give it. I love this song by Atif Aslam – Meri Kahani. Fucking nostalgic; but I feel he rocks. I’m going to educate myself more, finally. Its Holi celebrations tomorrow and I’d probably be alone. I don’t care. Yeah, thats it.

-Anup

Bangalore traffic – An Irony.

On a journey!I somehow dislike the current shift I’m working in. For some, its a dream shift; 2 PM to 11PM. This means, you can sleep on time and wake up late. I’d really prefer the morning shift, you know? It lets me do a couple of things I like doing, like take a long shower early in the morning right under the shower – cold water falling on me. It kind of helps me a lot. It wakes me up, forces my brain to start thinking and makes me shiver a bit. I like the cold feeling. Its weird, they say, but then thats what I like. Once thats done, I get into my car at around 5:30 and race down Nice Road, which leads straight to my office. I touch a whooping 140kmph and it makes me feel good. Let the glasses down and feel the cold wind against my face, listen to music and zoom down. Then, the walk from the car park to my desk is extremely refreshing. Catch up some hot breakfast and tea and settle down for another cliche-filled day!

As of now, its kind of complicated – I have to bear up with the wrath of the sea of vehicles at 2 in the afternoon when I’m sleepy. But the irony here is, I don’t mind that either. Usually, people get annoyed and they put their vehicles into all kind of funny positions on a small road. People just can’t make up their mind. Assume that you’re going south and there is traffic thats moving from your opposite end. You can SEE the huge trucks coming at you and trust me, you can see it very clearly. Even after this, you’d find uncles and aunties and youngsters and kids push their vehicles; of all sizes mind you, to a new level of stupidity. They’d make rows and rows, they’d overtake when they shouldn’t, they’d travel over footpaths and bump into pedestrians and start a word fight, you’d find them falling into holes and ditches and man, I find it all funny and it makes me giggle. I manage to find a truck and I stick to it till it takes me to my destination. I’ve noticed, the more you try to go ahead, the more you end up being late. Just hang on and you’ll reach there eventually.

What peps me up is the fact that I can listen to the radio throughout – 94.3 FM, whatte fun! The station for the fatafat generation. I’m not sure why, but I like that station a lot. They seem to play all the songs I like and I love the RJ’s there. Most of all, I love the way they include Kannada into English and Hindi. That way, I can relate to the words and thus, slowly teach myself some Kannada. Now, since I’m very sure that this is going to be the city which I’d base myself in, I’d like to learn some Kannada. On rare occasions though, they play songs from “Jodha Akbar” and that kinda ticks me off. For those few occasions I have a CD full of my favourite English tracks; well, so overall, I like the music filled alone time I get in my car. I think a lot, mostly about stuff that I shouldn’t think of, but then, I’m cracked up a bit, so those thoughts aren’t going to go off easy. I forgive myself for it, cause what I felt wasn’t small. The good thing here is that I also think about things that are really important to me right now. Uhm, maybe like educating myself some more? and of course, questions like, what next? Friends? Family? My car? My house? Music?! Loads of things. I get a solid 45 minutes to an hour to think hard. And how do I forget about Shamraajpeth Charles and Nammu Rajni saaru! Two charecters I love a lot from Radio one 94.3 FM!

So, you mean you don’t get enough time at home? Well, no, I don’t. My home schedule is kind of restricted to a few things because of which I don’t get a lot of time to think. Most importantly, I spend very little time at home if I don’t have a movie to watch or a game to play. I end up going to my aunts place where I’d talk with her and my cousins. The kiddo (my cousin brother) is someone I like a lot. Mostly because he reminds me of the way I was. That kind of scares me actually and I hope that he finds the right way, instead of the highway; no worries though, he’d find me there! From what he’s told me all his Class Xth exams have been good, if not awesome. I’m sure he’ll do well. So, yes, I talk to the kids, talk to my Aunt, who is just like mom, but an extremely interesting conversationalist. Someone to whome you can talk and feel like an adult and a kid at the same time. Someone who wouldn’t let you win just cause you’re a kid. Someone who’d argue and fight for small things and at the same time make you feel important. Overall, I feel very happy when I’m there. I come home to play, sleep, TV and clothes. Ohh, and how do I forget – my cars there. I’ve got parking which is very important when you’re in Bangalore.

I met an old friend over the weekend and I’m very happy about meeting her. She thought I was a “stupid” little boy lost in love and referred to me as “stupid” a million times. It did not annoy me though. It just made me feel that I’m ok! So, yeah, I spoke to her and another friend of mine for some time on the phone and I am extremely pleased to announce that either he’s very good with voices or I’m an influential person; but after 3 years of absence, he still seemed to know who I was as soon as I spoke the first word! Man, was I happy! I guess I’ll meet him soon and maybe we’ll have an oldies get together of sorts. It’d be good.

Well, thats it for the weekend and my love for a radio station. The baseline here is, however much people say that Bangalore is falling down the hole, I still love this place and hey, I don’t mind the traffic! The ones who loathe this place might as well just take their asses and LEAVE!

-Anup

Random bullshit.

So what if you’ve loved me, she asked.
So what if you’ve given me the things you say you have…
You never gave me what I really wanted; she continued.
I wanted freedom, why couldn’t you just let me be, she went on.
And on she went, ranting about how I was a jailor,
She felt like a prisoner… she lamented!

I pleaded to know what it was that I did wrong,
Why did she hate me so much? thats all that I asked her,
I don’t need to answer you, she flared up, hot in flames nearly,
She asked me not to yell or I wouldn’t hear from her;
Ohh no! that just meant that she would never talk to me again.
It was coming anyway, I thought and continued to question her…
Like an ass who couldn’t hold on to his dignity.
Pfft, there isn’t much left now anyway, is there Anu?

I continued to tell her what I felt and how all of what happened hurt me,
You are always hurt and crying anyway, she replied callously.
Did you make an attempt to help me, I asked.
Here is where she gave her regular list of “OHH NO!! things” that I did.
-You broke my aspirations.
-You gave me nothing but things.
-You annoyed me with your phone calls and messages.
-You are annoying.
-You took away my friends.
What? Ok. Anything more? I am still trying to look for a reason…
She was quite for a while and sighed a heavy *sigh* and said;
I did what I did cause I felt like,
And if I did wrong and like you say, Gods watching, isn’t he?
Well, I’d let him punish me, not you.

The call ended here and she was brave enough to write to me,
She said she wanted me to “let her be”
And she doesn’t want to talk to me.
Finally, words which mean nothing to me, apologies.
I did not brood over what happened from there on.
I’d rather write than think, sets my mind free.
Or maybe its just something I feel…
Complex human emotions, love, hatred, lust, greed, selfishness; I saw everything.
I’ve experienced a human side in two people,
that would otherwise have never come out.

Love isn’t fair, and out of experience I can say, you have to be plain lucky.
What has to come to you, will.
It might go all over the place, but in the end, its coming to you.
Whats not yours will never be.
You’ll see a mirage and you’ll live in a dream,
But one fine day, the dreams going to break, like a brimming soap bubble.
The remaining bubbles full of soap will fall into your eyes.
If that annoys you – let it not! Continue…
You just can’t quit living; damn, that sucks!
I realize now, I’m so tired…

-Anup

R.I.P love.

BRLife seems to have come to a screeching halt after love ended. I’ve been staring at this wall of uncertainty for ever now; expecting that “invisible” turn which people say exists to turn visible for me. I desperately need to move my hands and legs. Take the turn and continue my life. Its not that I wish to be like this. Its as I explained to all my close ones (people who keep trying to help me out) my heart just wanders off. Its not that I am trying to think of her or the gorgeous seconds we spent, apparently as a pair in endless love. Thoughts flow and then I just cant stop myself from pitying myself. Self pity sucks! I know. I really want to help myself, its just that I’m waiting. I know that I’m probably sounding like a lovestruck fool with all heart and no brain, but thats incorrect again. The heart depends on the brain for flashbacks, you know?

For you, luvey:

Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back
when you hang up on him, who will stay awake just to watch you sleep.
Wait for the guy who kisses your forhead, who wants to show you off to
the world when you are in your sweats, who holds your hand in front of
his friends, Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how
much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you. Wait for the
one who turns to his friends and says, “…that’s her.”

So, she is gone and I’ve quit running. R.I.P love I don’t want you to ever happen to me again! I also know that I must stop writing about love, her and other things related to her on this blog, its high time that I wrote about more productive stuff, like technology. I really want to do that. Write about something which has meat in it. I’m going to try and do that, but not now. I think its high time I went into hibernation for a few days, weeks, months… hope it doesn’t grow into years! Anyway, its time for a hiatus. I’ll be back, later, maybe!

And I thought about it again, going away and not writing that is! Do I really need to do all this? Trouble myself for no apparent fault of mine? I’ve sulked enough and seriously, I don’t feel half as bad as what I used to, like maybe 2 weeks ago! So, probably all I need is time and I’ll get there. I’m going to hang on tight and let myself continue downhill for some time more. I’m sure and ohhh, I assure you’ll – all you guys who love me and have been with me throughout, that I’ll climb back again and I’m sure that I’ll do well. Infact, much better. I’ll surely write more regularly and yes, I will complete that section on people very soon. Promise.

-Anup

P.S: I found Faith. And ohh, Maroon 5 is nice.

Monkey trouble!

I had the laugh of my life today. The coolest part is, I laughed at myself and I just couldn’t stop laughing. Ohh! No, I’m sane. It just so happened that I met an ancestor in a wierdish way! HP is a green place. Eco friendly and a lovely place to be. I love the ambience so much so that I end up taking a walk all the time; just to stare at the grass, the trees and for the fresh air that keeps blowing up on your face. Most usually, its with Ratheesh, Avinash or with Nikhil these days. I drink a lot of tea and yes, its fun discussing technical stuff with Avinash.

We went down for some tea and chat just around the time when dusk was setting in and I love it outside during that time. I grabbed a “Tiger” and some tea and walked out with a handful of guys. Infact, I remember that there were quite a few people with me at that time. Surprizingly, Hemant was there with me too! He usually ends up being in another shift, but he had stayed back on this specific day. So, yes, we walked out to the smoking zone, tea in hand and ready for some talk. I sat down along with Amit, this hunky guy at work and had the rest of the guys facing me. We began discussing some stuff and I was talking to Hemant if I remember the incident correctly. Suddenly I saw all the guys running backwards and looking at me. I saw their eyes gaze to something behind me. I turned and found this rather large monkey walking with all its might towards the biscuit in my hand. I thought it wanted the tea I had (that was stupid of me!) So I kept the cuppa tea there, dropped the biscuit and jumped off.

Here’s the cool part. The monkey tore the plastic cover off quite comfortably and munched down all the biscuits without leaving me a bite! I managed to get back my tea though and I was really pissed at myself for giving him my biscuits. Hrmphhh, hope you’re happy you ape! The monkeys then continued to ransack a container full of supplies which was kept outside. The guys were carting them in, but they left the containers open and the monkeys made away with a couple of bottles of juices, some packets of foodstuff and other things too, like razors! Anyway, I had a hearty laugh at myself later and at the whole incident. I mean, no kidding, the monkey looked dangerous to me with its teeth clenched and the way it looked me in the eyes. These apes aren’t scared of anyone, they just roam the campus as if its their land and we must share our food with them since we’re using their space!

That being said, the workload has increased and I manage to keep myself busy for most part of the day. I feel lonely sometimes. Like, I miss her once in a while, not always and not anymore, anyway, but yes, I do miss her. Then I miss my family and friends. I really miss Abhi, Muiz and Smikh. Smikh keeps busy or uhm, I’m not sure she pretends to be busy, because thats how she maintains that distance from people to whome she shouldn’t get too close. Abhi is hell busy too, since the call flow in DS is in an all time high. Muiz was busy too, the last time that I spoke to him. The people who have loads of time for me are Radha Aunty, my cousins at home here in Bangalore, mom and Sneha. Dad is busy with the financial year ending work.

I’ve thought about writing a new section. I need more ideas and I’m drawing the initial sketch for the page. I’ll begin working on it once I have a fair idea of what I want. Its a section called “People” where I’d end up writing about important people in my life. I was also thinking on lines where I could amalgamate a gallery into wordpress, but I don’t have a lot of bright ideas right now and somehow, I lack the required motivation for such a project. The other ideas I’m working on is, Health, music and ohh, earning some more wealth! I’m going to work towards this from next week on and try to keep myself away from any weird thoughts. I’d need to get me to believe in myself and really WANT to start living again. It isn’t too hard they say and I trust them! My mom talks to me each day and tells me about how my pain worries her a lot. She is someone I cannot hurt for long and I know that its time I stop troubling her. I’ve always given her pain and I’m not proud about it. Dad seems to be ok. Sneha is doing fine, college and friends. She’s probably having the time of her life and I feel stupid for having troubled her with teared up phone calls at 2 in the morning. Man, I’ve been sucking up big time. Cribbing about how my life sucks instead of working on it. I mean, its not all that hard, you know? No. I don’t! Thats what I feel. Its not all that easy. Its just not easy to forget what I felt for a person. Its not easy to forget the time spent together. Its nearly impossible to forget the smiles, the laughs and all the good things that happened. And now that I know that its all going to go. Now since I know that she’s gone… it gets really really difficult. People say that I need to be more stronger. Why? The weaker I am, the stronger she gets! I’m tired of telling people that she is someone who wouldn’t care. Like, she’d forget me within a few days if she gets the chance. I’ve been a fool in trying to talk to her and she’s been brave enough to still talk to me. Guess its time to let go. I really need to do what I last said – relive. Lets see whats in store.

Peace.

-Anup