Where I am.

Where I am is at a place in time where all I see around is a shit ton of negativity. Minuses I throw at myself, procrastination for every thing; big or small, utter lack of life or excitement and an appalling amount of deep lethargy. Now, this is either a disease or just me but I’m not waiting to find out. I know that blogs have had their time and that they have come and gone. I know that the time now is to Vlog and be out there on YouTube. I am thinking on similar lines but I thought I should begin at a place which I have maintained for far too long. I thought I should promise my home on the web and try to stick by it. I need to get better and give it my best shot. I don’t quite know where it began and how to get rid of it but all I know is that I need to fight myself and my strong will to REST!

I weighed myself in yesterday after a visit to the doctor who I was visiting to complain about how tired I feel and about the spot sleeping. He wasn’t surprised by what was happening to me. At an outrageous 100 kgs – you cannot blame the body if it wants to rest. You do this to yourself. You cause your nose to shut down in the night and make noises that wake up the dead ffs. You cause deep sleep unrests not only for yourself but also your family and all of this comes down with not-so-uncommon diseases like sleep apnea. Now what I have seems like a mild case not the ones where you literally choke and die but the mild ones which ruins your sleep and makes you sleepy throughout the day. This in turn makes you lazy and lethargic and adds on to your difficulties. This is a vicious circle which will never end unless you put that foot forward and take a walk.

So, I’ll come by, probably every week; just to keep a tab of myself here on my blog. I may post pictures if I feel like it but for now, I am living in such self pity that I don’t quite feel like posting one. Maybe later? My kid brother who got better is my guide this time and I’m going to start slow. There are a few things I need to cut down on. I don’t think I want to get rid of them fully because I’d love to game as a hobby. All I need to do is say good bye to it from an addiction perspective. An addiction like this; I feel, is something I can help myself with. My daughter has already helped me a bit cause she just won’t let me be but I guess I need to shut down the rest and invest that time into something more constructive. I need to help out Shruti too because getting a life into this world can take its toll on your body and she needs my help. Lets see how things go. What I need for now is a solid set of songs to go along as I take the walk.

Stats for now:

Weight: 100 KG – need I say more for stats? Fuck this!

-Anup

The rat race!

Aren’t we all in one? From the time one is born to the day he dies; he is part of a never ending rat race. We have people who constantly win their races and are used to the rush it gives them. You then have those who are used to losing constantly and have given up on things and in the process are in a constant state of denial or hatred and then you have people like me who spend time loathing both these types of people and living a life dealing with the numerous intolerable experiences that have to be borne living in the company of people like these. You’d call me confused but in fact, I’m someone who is very clear about what disgusts me!

To all my corporate brethren – do we ever stop to think what we are giving up on in order to get that bit better than our peers? Did you know that you just lost a friend for life? He could have been that but then you desperately needed that promotion which was coming up next month or you thought no one else deserved that onsite position more than you or that you passed a self righteous judgment on his intentions and just about did everything else to make yourself seem like the most repulsive person out there. Why don’t you stop to think that this person could end up being more than just a co-worker (I hate the word colleague. I hate how it sounds and how it spells, pardon me!). But then again, once you are 30 and are in the cusp of being a middle man; a fucking small fish in a sea full of giant fish guzzling whales – you’d do anything to stay afloat I guess.

I come from a very different work culture where everyone was a friend; where we did compete but all was in good spirit and we all enjoyed each others success because the guy who got the most at the end of the month paid for the tea breaks! That was all that we needed to be happy. Ahhh, good old days when you were young and did not give a fuck. But then comes along the middle ages which confuses the crap out of the best of us. You don’t know if you are young or old. You are torn between saving up for your child and buying that new electronic goodie which beckons you with an enticing grin each time you pass by its window. Decision making ends up being the toughest activity of the day and its here when you notice that in the process of trying to outrun your friends you have all just gone different directions and given up on the simplest most precious pleasures of life – moments… moments of pure bliss.

I now live in a world where I see people competing every single day and it makes me sick. To the pit of my small intestine. Ok, there was some exaggeration thrown in there but you get where I’m coming from? Don’t get me wrong, I love to compete. I’m a gamer and I never give up. However, no hard feelings ehh? You compete with all honesty and be men and women about the fact that you may or may not be better than people you are up against. Be real enough to accept and move on. If someone is better than you and you genuinely known this – accept it and try to learn and help yourself rather than spending time in moping about where you are in life and trying to think about ways in which you could ensure that you steal some of their limelight. This for the poor ones left gaping behind. For those front runners – I really feel they should ensure that they don’t end up being cocky ass’ who use the good they have and add on some ass licking to it in order to gain something year on end but fail miserably nevertheless. When the time comes my friend you will get what you deserve. I don’t believe in fate but I do believe in Karma.

What pains me most about the rat race is the people you lose behind. I don’t mind the random nincompoops you meet on your way to your end. Its the few that you meet and instantly know that these are people who must stay in your life but you lose them nevertheless. These are the people who stick to your memories like episodes of nightmares which haunt you every now and then. In the rat race called life, lets take a moment to stop and admire what we have, who we have and what we are up against. Its a wave too huge for us to fight alone. Find someone to paddle with and things will be much more smoother. Find friends you can keep and more importantly, find friends who will keep you. Forgive mistakes and share your knowledge this will only make you better… in this rat race called life!

-Anup

Of diapers and controllers!

Daddy&DaughterWeird set ehh? Those two. Diapers and controllers. What I mean by controllers here are not the trotting terrors tssk tssk; the wives! In this context I’m talking about my PlayStation controllers. Heh, its very real though; this is where I am. This is where I stand and this is where I get stuck as I seem to want to do both. So I thought I might as well make a come back to the world of letters with an Anup who is so very lost. I’ve thought about writing more regularly too many times but as I have mentioned before; MY life seems to get the best off of me and things that I need to do gets over-run by things that I want to do. These are most often than not – activities that I can avoid or do without but then you know how it is with us humans. Addictions are very real. Obsessions attack the weak and I have proven to myself and my loved ones time and again that I am weak. Very weak. In any case, my weakness’ have been shared out here too many times and it isn’t funny or entertaining anymore. Why I’m here is to add a brand new category to my blog – Krisha, our little bundle of joy!

She opened her eyes and looked at me on the 3rd of September 2013 and I guess the excitement is the same for all new parents. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. She had a little smile on her face and was calm. Very light and dainty when I held her for the first time and was particular that she’d smile a bit when I clicked her picture the first. It was me and my mom-in-law who saw her the first and we both agreed that she was me carbon copied. I know that not all might see the similarities but people who truly know me and who have my face etched in their memories would know that her face is just a female version of me which by extension is a female version of my moms. She has all the good looks running from our family and I’m the proudest father there can be!

The controllers seem to have taken a back seat from where I see things. Of course Shruti has to bitch about those 10 minutes that I spend with one of my only hobbies. This is where we have this whole discussion on diapers and controllers. I don’t quite know if there are gamer daddy’s out there who struggle between this stage in their life where they are still stuck with games and their love for the great stories told there and their little ones who decide to cry, shit, fart, pee and everything else that’s disgusting and/or everything at the same time right when you’re about to get this excellent kill on Battlefield 3 but hey, if you’ll are out there do let me know. Its a long sentence but it sums up my point for this post. This is where I am stuck. I need to exercise and I know this. Its not that I don’t cause that’d just make me mad. I’ve put on a lot over the last 2 years and the excellent Gulab Jamuns from Mirchi don’t help one bit. My sweet tooth gets the better of me each and every time and like I mentioned above I am the king of “giver uppers”. I am that guy who gave up trying. The thing is; I love sweets, fuck that! I’m eating no matter how soon I die. Am I sorry about it? Hell NO!

Since the last time we spoke I have graduated to being an expert at changing diapers, an expert at burping my baby boo and an absolute baws (boss pronounces with the dubyoo) at smothering kisses. I have also; since then, got myself a ton of new games, bought games I never play and built myself a gaming PC. I will come back with more updates on this soon but the point to note is that what I’m going to be talking about here hence on will either be about smelly diapers or about THOSE games that I’d so love to play.

Cheers!~

-Anup

Dear Mr. Hacker.

Hi. Just thought I’d add in a quick post especially dedicated to you because I guess you were being the good Samaritan here and although you could have further entered my host and probably compromised all my data you did not do that and left me a kind message to fix my insecure shit up. Well, I have tried. Please feel free to test things out but I’d appreciate if you just let this be as this is a personal blog and no one really gives a fuck about how secure the information I publish on this actually is. People just come here for the lulz, for some entertainment and probably to snoop around other people’s lives. The days of the blog have passed thereby rendering places like these almost moot.

So, if you do find security loopholes you could let me know at ryukdg[at]gmail[dot]com and I’d further work on things to fix things up but that’s just as far as I am willing to go. By further defacing this site you are not doing anyone any good. Thanks again for your help.

Cheers!~
-Anup

Tippy Tippy Tip Top!

Its been a while I guess. Don’t I always seem to start with that line when I post in after months of silence? But then, the answer is simple – who even blogs these days? I’ve been following a few blogs since the time I could read I guess and most if not all of them have neared a state of limbo. Some of them gave up cause they got bored, the others had babies and moved on, some others; well, I have no clue! They just seemed to vanish. No one blogs these days, ffs! I feel bad about it but that’s how it is and I guess we just have to deal with it.

The blog is gone but what has replaced it you ask? People have to communicate and there is no way in hell that one mode of communication dies and it did not get replaced with something more powerful and better. Heard of Youtube? I’m sure you have. For a lot of us Youtube is the go-to place for entertainment and information. So yeah, people have moved to Youtube. Blogs have been replaced by Vlogs. This new thing isn’t just in so don’t tell me that I am late to report this. I’m just sharing what I can see. I haven’t yet moved to Vlogging but I have moved to Youtube nevertheless. I have a channel on there and I discuss video games. Hell yeah – nerd alert!

The above is one such video from my channel and I may decide to go the Vlogging way pretty soon. I am not fully sure about showing my chubby face on YouTube but maybe I will, eventually. I can’t quite live without social media communication and I still have some of my best friends online. It has deviated to stuff like gaming forums, clan websites, Playstation Network and other online communities but what’s in it? I find people I share similar interests with and that’s all that matters in the end I guess. That is where I have been and I guess I will continue to be around there for a while more.

The point of this post wasn’t that though. The point of this post was to just tell everyone who come by that people unlike things that you own are valuable and if you think too many times about making amends with friends you had a problem with then it most essentially means that you must do it. Sleeping on it for years and years and in the end realizing how big a fool you were makes you nothing more than a fool! So why wait to find out that you are a fool? Instead pick up that phone and dial that number. Its easy I think. The initial few seconds will make your heart pound because you don’t know what to say but the moment the wave is over you’d feel calm and at peace.

I keep talking about being up to date on here and I fail each and every time so I am not going to repeat that crap because I have realized that I tend to come to this place on one of two occasions; either I am being pushed too hard either by myself or by people who think I can write or because I am a bit glum. Somehow, like I discussed before it is only things that make me sad which brings out the need to write in me. Its probably just something that I feel and its probably not real but that’s how it seems and that’s what Shruti feels too. I guess two people can’t feel the exact same thing, so yeah, it must be right. There was a big torrential rant on my mind when I came here but somehow that seems to have fizzled out and I don’t want to write all of that crap here anymore.

People who befriend you will forget you.

People you befriend will be forgotten by you.

Friends that happen to you will remain that way… forever.

-Anup