Grey.

Should be thinking about my health.
Should be concentrating on work and be thankful.
Should be spending more time with my family.
Should try ‘positivity’ a bit more often.
Should get in touch with friends who have walked away.
Should be happy.

Some of the many things that have ‘should be’s’ attached to them which is a big no-no according to my boss. Therefore technically it is something I avoid on a daily basis at work but when it comes to life this is all I have; a bunch of should be’s. I’ve been saying this to myself and to Shruti on an hourly basis when I need to avoid, procrastinate or just plain defend myself from goals be it the smallest of ones. Damn you Anup! Don’t start off with your never ending rants full of self pity. Its pathetic.

So the point of my post today was about this feeling of helplessness or of a place which seems so dark that you don’t know if you are alive or dead or a noise so vile that you’d rather die than bear it any longer. A point in your life where you feel that killing yourself is easier than dragging on any further. I wonder how someone commits to a decision like this. All of us at various points in our life must have thought of jumping off from somewhere or hitting some shots of Harpic or some such shit to end it all but this thought goes before it comes because we give ourselves ideas of getting out of that place without having to kill ourselves. Even if it means killing someone else. These people though – they achieve a state of Nirvana where their final goal is death and they have the will to reach it.

I am heavily disturbed by this 24 year old who had his whole life ahead of him and still thought it was best if he just ended it all. He was addicted to drugs and was supposedly depressed they said. I did watch the video he made before he jumped off the 17th floor and all that I could see from his face was a whole life ahead of him with a galore of opportunities. At 24 I believe you are at a stage which is like a pedestal that peeks you above everyone else. It lets you look at the world from a high point and gives you the opportunity to choose what you want to do with life. You can decide for yourself, pick what you like and walk or run towards it. Its like a fucking shopping cart; life that is. Fuck all those who talk about wrong decisions. There is neither right nor wrong. Its all about what’s good for you and at 24 you should be sensible enough to decide. Else, jump from a building and die motherfucker! Pisses me off that he thought it was just him affected by this decision. Don’t give me other worldly thoughts and rebellious puns. I don’t give a flying fuck. What you have done is the most cowardice act that there could be. You have perennially hurt your parents, maybe their parents (even more) and friends, the dog you fed on your way back from wherever. Fuck, you have stolen energy from a common space we all share and destroyed it!

Grey because to some it is and to some it is not. For me though, fuck you! Suicide is not a solution.

-Anup

The rat race!

Aren’t we all in one? From the time one is born to the day he dies; he is part of a never ending rat race. We have people who constantly win their races and are used to the rush it gives them. You then have those who are used to losing constantly and have given up on things and in the process are in a constant state of denial or hatred and then you have people like me who spend time loathing both these types of people and living a life dealing with the numerous intolerable experiences that have to be borne living in the company of people like these. You’d call me confused but in fact, I’m someone who is very clear about what disgusts me!

To all my corporate brethren – do we ever stop to think what we are giving up on in order to get that bit better than our peers? Did you know that you just lost a friend for life? He could have been that but then you desperately needed that promotion which was coming up next month or you thought no one else deserved that onsite position more than you or that you passed a self righteous judgment on his intentions and just about did everything else to make yourself seem like the most repulsive person out there. Why don’t you stop to think that this person could end up being more than just a co-worker (I hate the word colleague. I hate how it sounds and how it spells, pardon me!). But then again, once you are 30 and are in the cusp of being a middle man; a fucking small fish in a sea full of giant fish guzzling whales – you’d do anything to stay afloat I guess.

I come from a very different work culture where everyone was a friend; where we did compete but all was in good spirit and we all enjoyed each others success because the guy who got the most at the end of the month paid for the tea breaks! That was all that we needed to be happy. Ahhh, good old days when you were young and did not give a fuck. But then comes along the middle ages which confuses the crap out of the best of us. You don’t know if you are young or old. You are torn between saving up for your child and buying that new electronic goodie which beckons you with an enticing grin each time you pass by its window. Decision making ends up being the toughest activity of the day and its here when you notice that in the process of trying to outrun your friends you have all just gone different directions and given up on the simplest most precious pleasures of life – moments… moments of pure bliss.

I now live in a world where I see people competing every single day and it makes me sick. To the pit of my small intestine. Ok, there was some exaggeration thrown in there but you get where I’m coming from? Don’t get me wrong, I love to compete. I’m a gamer and I never give up. However, no hard feelings ehh? You compete with all honesty and be men and women about the fact that you may or may not be better than people you are up against. Be real enough to accept and move on. If someone is better than you and you genuinely known this – accept it and try to learn and help yourself rather than spending time in moping about where you are in life and trying to think about ways in which you could ensure that you steal some of their limelight. This for the poor ones left gaping behind. For those front runners – I really feel they should ensure that they don’t end up being cocky ass’ who use the good they have and add on some ass licking to it in order to gain something year on end but fail miserably nevertheless. When the time comes my friend you will get what you deserve. I don’t believe in fate but I do believe in Karma.

What pains me most about the rat race is the people you lose behind. I don’t mind the random nincompoops you meet on your way to your end. Its the few that you meet and instantly know that these are people who must stay in your life but you lose them nevertheless. These are the people who stick to your memories like episodes of nightmares which haunt you every now and then. In the rat race called life, lets take a moment to stop and admire what we have, who we have and what we are up against. Its a wave too huge for us to fight alone. Find someone to paddle with and things will be much more smoother. Find friends you can keep and more importantly, find friends who will keep you. Forgive mistakes and share your knowledge this will only make you better… in this rat race called life!

-Anup

Tippy Tippy Tip Top!

Its been a while I guess. Don’t I always seem to start with that line when I post in after months of silence? But then, the answer is simple – who even blogs these days? I’ve been following a few blogs since the time I could read I guess and most if not all of them have neared a state of limbo. Some of them gave up cause they got bored, the others had babies and moved on, some others; well, I have no clue! They just seemed to vanish. No one blogs these days, ffs! I feel bad about it but that’s how it is and I guess we just have to deal with it.

The blog is gone but what has replaced it you ask? People have to communicate and there is no way in hell that one mode of communication dies and it did not get replaced with something more powerful and better. Heard of Youtube? I’m sure you have. For a lot of us Youtube is the go-to place for entertainment and information. So yeah, people have moved to Youtube. Blogs have been replaced by Vlogs. This new thing isn’t just in so don’t tell me that I am late to report this. I’m just sharing what I can see. I haven’t yet moved to Vlogging but I have moved to Youtube nevertheless. I have a channel on there and I discuss video games. Hell yeah – nerd alert!

The above is one such video from my channel and I may decide to go the Vlogging way pretty soon. I am not fully sure about showing my chubby face on YouTube but maybe I will, eventually. I can’t quite live without social media communication and I still have some of my best friends online. It has deviated to stuff like gaming forums, clan websites, Playstation Network and other online communities but what’s in it? I find people I share similar interests with and that’s all that matters in the end I guess. That is where I have been and I guess I will continue to be around there for a while more.

The point of this post wasn’t that though. The point of this post was to just tell everyone who come by that people unlike things that you own are valuable and if you think too many times about making amends with friends you had a problem with then it most essentially means that you must do it. Sleeping on it for years and years and in the end realizing how big a fool you were makes you nothing more than a fool! So why wait to find out that you are a fool? Instead pick up that phone and dial that number. Its easy I think. The initial few seconds will make your heart pound because you don’t know what to say but the moment the wave is over you’d feel calm and at peace.

I keep talking about being up to date on here and I fail each and every time so I am not going to repeat that crap because I have realized that I tend to come to this place on one of two occasions; either I am being pushed too hard either by myself or by people who think I can write or because I am a bit glum. Somehow, like I discussed before it is only things that make me sad which brings out the need to write in me. Its probably just something that I feel and its probably not real but that’s how it seems and that’s what Shruti feels too. I guess two people can’t feel the exact same thing, so yeah, it must be right. There was a big torrential rant on my mind when I came here but somehow that seems to have fizzled out and I don’t want to write all of that crap here anymore.

People who befriend you will forget you.

People you befriend will be forgotten by you.

Friends that happen to you will remain that way… forever.

-Anup

Yoo hoo!! Surprise surprise!

Hello!

I am sorry to intrude into your space, Nu. But it was painstaking for me to see this space being ignored and left to slowly stutter, choke and die. So I, Shruti Menon – a finding of this blog here, decided to drop by and invade in and clean up all the cob-webs and dust you’ve accumulated here. I am sorry, Nu, for this not-so-pleasant surprise. I know how much you value your space and privacy but I had to do this to shake you up as violently as I could and make you realize how much this blog misses you and I bet you miss it just as much. God was generous enough to gift you with an excellent skill to write and dare you waste that talent for some Drake running around to find some god forsaken treasure. Hmphh!

For those who used to read this blog and maybe still do in hope to find him here one day should know that, yes, he is very much alive and kicking.

What keeps him busy these days?

Uncharted 2 – For those who are as crazy as him and runs behind games should know what Uncharted 2 is. As for those who don’t.. just consider yourself lucky!

Shifting jobs and cities/countries – Yes. A lot has changed since his last post. We bid Hyderabad adieu last month and now juggling between Pune and Kerala like nomads. Nupsie is still in search for his ideal place to settle down until then.. I guess we both will pretty much be travelling around the world with our caravan. 🙂

Fighting with poor me – Arguing with each other is one of our favorite hobbies. Or let’s just say one of MY favorite hobbies. *wink* It is amazing how we always tend to have so many differences of opinion about things. Our arguments normally last for good 10-15 minutes which later fizzles out with either one of us (mostly Anup) sheepishly grinning. LOL. That can be really annoying sometimes.

Movies/sitcoms – If there were ever a competition for a couple who watches the maximum number of movies then we sure would, hands down, beat anybody at it!! I was never really a movie buff until I met Anup. He even got me to watch the entire Harry Potter and Aliens and Predators series! :O That is something even my brother could never get me to do in the past 10 years!

I don’t know whether it was cause of Anup or the movie buff inside me who suddenly decide to awaken! Anyhoo, so the point is we love watching movies and run the movie marathons almost every day. Our hunger for movies never ends with one a day! If not a movie then a re-run of HIMYM or The Big Bang theory is a must.

Day Dreams – Anup loves to day dream! He dreams about everything he knows he should be acting on but just wont outta his sheer obsession towards Nathan Drake.

One such dream is about a story he has in his head which he plans to write and publish.. until.. Drake decides to burst his bubble and grab his attention! Hmphh!! I wish I was Nathan Drake sometimes!! hehe

On a more serious note: All in all our life is never not entertaining… so much so we find 24 hours too less a time to do things together! 🙂

I am lucky to have found, you, Anu! I doubt it would be easy for anybody else to live under the same roof with a crazy person like me. Which is why I have a lot to thank this blog for. I really wish you write more often and not ignore this space like you do now. I still am an ardent fan of your writing and really look forward for a big comeback than see this space die a sad death.

Love,

Your Wife.

The lull

“Don’t let the lull fool you!” Its deceptive and its like the calm before a tsunami. This has been proven to be true in my case time and again. There are days like today where work flows like a rivulet and you think about engaging in activities like reading off of a few blogs, reading the newspaper online (yes, I do that sometimes), reading reviews on the new games that have been released and everything else that you can find online APART from work! Define rivulet: a small stream. But like I said, you have been deceived by the lull. Its just breathing space and nothing more. Its just like a tiny oasis amongst long stretches of barren lifeless deserts (like it is here, in Dubai!) It gets over before you know it and you’re out there again; fighting against problems, tackling roadblocks, being roadblocks, arguing with people who are much below your level of likeliness, yelling, going completely against your demeanor, scratching your head, googling, staring into nothingness while you carelessly dig your nose thinking about “stuff” amongst all the other things you’d probably be doing at work. Define raging river: a crazy violent river. Its all in a days work and no, digging your nose is perfectly alright. Just don’t eat it! There are people and there is youtube.

Rants apart, I caught myself in that moment of lull and I thought I’d write a few lines. Its not always when I feel like doing this. Not anymore at least. I assure all my avid readers and fans that its not that I don’t want to write. Its just that I’ve been busy off late and by the time I get home, all I want to do is fall on the XXL sized bean bag and think about nothing. Its another thing that I don’t get a lot of opportunity to do that *winks* Work never seems to end for me and Hamid always comes up with new things that I might want to do or could possibly include into my already hectic and never-ending schedule. Now, its another thing that there is a part of me who enjoys every bit of the work he does but there is also a part of me who’d want to return to his days in HP where he had very little to do, had to hardly go to work (work from home with a good pay was an option then) and is hardly responsible for anything that happens. Ahhh! Those were the days where I earned without so much as twitching my nose. Things are different now. I am responsible for tasks and activities which can be done by no one but me. I work with someone who is worth all the respect. The learning curve that I have here seems like a very long one. The hyperbola does not seem to end and its annoying me now! I’d like some peace, you know? I really want to sit down and have enough time on me to note down things on my mind and I need to do it at least once a week. But then, its been a roller coaster ride for me thus far and time has moved very quickly from the time I’ve reached Dubai. I sometimes can’t believe that I’ve completed 13 months here. For me, everything seems like it happened yesterday. XYZ company called, interview was done, they offered me a job, I turned into a fool and came here! See the pun there? No? Uhm, well, I’m a bit grungy and I promise to get better.

This post is dedicated to some marvelous art work by my partner-in-life, Shruti. she and I claim no rights to the below image because this is not a figment of her imagination. She managed to get all the emotions on his face right and she got the smudges to be just perfect. I hardly ever knew about this side of her. But like they say, marriage is a slow learning process and the slower it is, the better it is for you! I’m putting up a few of her sketches and I think they are all stake-sauce!

Shruti’s Gallery part 1:

I’ve added a ‘part 1’ to this because I’m sure that there’d be more to come from the pencil she’s wielding these days. Yes, wielding… you’re a show off, you know? Anyway, people who might appreciate work like this please drop a comment. I’ll be posting more later. Topics of discussion – my new PS3, my new PS3 and ahhh yes of course, my new PS3. Not to forget… my reviews on games like God of war 3 and Uncharted 2. Ohh man! You have to play Uncharted 2. If you’re somebody who likes gaming then this is THAT game for which you MUST buy a PS3. Its that awesome. Not only is its in-game storyline that is fantabulous but the online multiplayer version will knock your balls off! But then, like I said, more about that later. Finally, signing off with one of my picks of the week (music):

Hosanna – Vinnaithaandi Varuvaaya; simply Rahman!

Peace out folks.

-Anup

Blank

That’s what and how I feel when I stare at my blog. I swear to god that I’ve been staring at my journal throughout the day today and I came up with uhm, Blank! Its not that I don’t have things happening in my life. That is so not right. In fact, I have had more things happen over the past year or so. It’s not that I did not want to write and it’s certainly not that I really wanted to give up but then I don’t quite know what to do. I wouldn’t go so far as to call this a ‘writers block’ because I’ve realized off late that I’m not a ‘writer’ In fact, every now and then I feel that I’m pretty much – nothing. Every time I begin working on something; something else catches my attention and I run after it for a while and after some more time you’d find me doing the funky chicken dance! Wasting time and avoiding work has become passé’ and not a day goes by when I don’t hate myself for the utter lack of interest I show towards my life and hers!

We should be out taking a walk, you know? As promised before leaving work. We should have had a subway sandwich or a salad but instead, I get lazy and we order Chinese. It was so yum!! It’s not like I love Chinese but then there’s Delhi Darbar and there’s Indian Chinese. Tastes like Christmas in your mouth. So, yeah, I couldn’t help myself and there goes another lethargic evening. Most evenings are spent watching movies on YouTube or just about googling aimlessly. Sometimes, I try harder at writing and end up failing miserably. To be frank, I don’t quite remember the days when I could write effortlessly, the days where my fingers were in complete sync with my brains and with what I felt. I’m not sure about how I should feel – happy for not needing the world wide web to talk or disappointed for having given up on something I thought I did alright – write!

More than anything, I think its the changes that have come to my life over the past year. Love has come my way, opportunities have come in plenty and work has been as busy as can be. Garnish it with my lazy ass self and there you have my life as it is now ! Its a truck load of fun mind you. I do miss writing though and there are days where I wish I could write a line. “Just a line would do maybe?” I think to myself. This is the best that I could do. Thought I’d put in a little update to remind all of you’ll that I’m still around and I hope to linger more often!

Signing off with this – for now life is blissful in Dubai. I do have the occasional hiccups every now and then; work and wife included. Its a new thing – marital life that! But more on that later. My stay at Dubai might end abruptly if I get what I want. I need a break, a new opportunity. I need a crack at something more exciting and something which has a better brand value. I need to move. What I need now is stability, learning and better opportunities. Wish me luck.

-Anup

Musebox 26

As another chapter in my life comes to an end; well, not actually to an end but its a fresh new start to an already ongoing chapter which was full of a stagnant, smelly, pathetic excuse of an essential experience called love or so it seemed like a mirage on a hot summer day in deep deserts. What I’m talking about is the fact that I’m shifting base. Since I said I would talk about it before I leave. Here’s an official announcement – from the looks of it, I’d be travelling to this hot, mid eastern country called Dubai and I’m hoping to have a fresh new shot at life devoid of the ghosts of my past that seem to haunt me mercilessly. I’d be working as a Microsoft consultant for XYZ Ltd. and I’m praying for all this to NOT be a dream, if you know what I mean? Dates would remain unannounced for now but yes, I’d be moving out very soon and I’m excited.

I think I need to excogitate a sane way to make more friends and be more socially interactive. On a more seriously plausible note, I’d like to be more approachable and calm. Its a new place and its a golden opportunity to restart, a place where no one knows me and I know no one. Its going to be fun! This thought came to me as I mulled over a lazy afternoon full of activities that I was trying to avoid. For example, the moving guys came today and took away all of my beloved household items. This left my flat in a state of disarray. I was supposed to go sort things out and pack up the remaining bits and pieces but then I did not. I just stayed at home (at Radha aunty’s) and brooded on endlessly. Sometimes I hate my incorrigible mind. I try hard to control the rampant self-loathing bozo that I am but I have failed miserably and thats pushed me more and more into the corner. I wonder why I chagrin myself like this? Guess it’d be easier to just dig a hole and take cover. Wish I were a coward. Anyway, where is this pointless ramble going?

Musebox 26 is to discuss my achievements and losses over the last 1 and a half years; considering all of that to be part of the same legendary story that I have lived thus far, post Convergys. I thought I’d talk about my gains and my losses and the list is long. Therefore, I’ve come up with just one section of the entire agenda, which in itself is a mammoth task. I thought I’d discuss people. Yes, I am a feeble mind. Who gives a fuck about what you think anyway? I’ve always wanted to discuss the people in my life but I thought I’d let it wait and simmer. I will probably re-model it into the People section one fine day but for today I wish to talk about a few very influential people who have been substantially involved through most part of my previous chapter. I’d like to take this opportunity to thank each and every one of them for their consistent efforts in bringing my life to the perfect harmony of untamed thoughts that it is, as of today. The big deal is, I’ve escaped the tornado with just a few bruises and cuts and its because of these people.

So the perennial glass half empty kinda guy that I am, let me talk about losses first. I’d like to dedicate the losses section to just two people. M & S. Now its unfortunate that I cannot name people in here but then, I’m sure they’d know if they ever come by. I consider the both of you’ll to be one of the biggest loss’ I have ever experienced. Its been painful, full of remorse and traumatic. I could have never fathomed the possibility of you’ll not being in my life but then it is unfortunate that things ended the way they did and there is nothing in this world that cannot be forgiven. I’d like to make it very clear that I have absolutely no ill-feelings for the both of you’ll and that I wish you all sorts of success in your future together. My belief of people belonging together has been strengthened by whatever has happened over the past year and a half, especially the part involving the three of us. I understand that some things are just meant to be and there is no denying a loss in love. I accept your loss and I wish from the pit of my heart that I be able to move on. The way you’ll have, so easily and without discomfort. I’m in awe of your strong hearts and I sincerely hate those very few seconds where I wished I were like you’ll.

One a more positive note, I have achieved a lot over the last year and a half (now I know that I’ve repeated this a couple of times, but then, what else do I do? I need to emphasize my point here, kapiche?) I’d like to thank the following people in no specific order for the kindness and closeness they have shown and I’m thankful to the power who let me at you’ll. In no specific order:

Sneha: I know that family wasn’t to be involved but then, I hope you know that you are a friend to me just as well. Thanks for being a pillar and thanks for being there through another chapter in my life. I cannot thank you enough. You are one of the most reliable and consistent friends I have ever had and I could not have asked for a better sister. I repeat, thanks a lot.

Abhijit: Abhi, I’m sure you’d love this part; the limelight hogger that you are! I’ve always wanted to do this and I promise to get this done better sometime later next month. But for now, I’d like to say that you’ve been this endearing cushion of friendship, strength, patience and everything else that makes a perfect friend. I’m sure you are a friend to many but I’m glad that I find a spot in your list of wannabe Abhijit Shedge friends! I couldn’t have reached this far sanely without your help and phone calls which have been so consistent that sometimes I thought you were a robot full of love. A sincere suggestion for you though – stop being so fucking nice. Get a fucking life. *winks*

Muiz and Shaista: For the silent presence.

Sanket: For all your ignorance.

Nikhil, Chetan and Ratheesh: I’m sorry for clubbing you guys in together, but then all of you’ll have been of prime importance in the very same role and thats all that I’d be glorifying in this session of continuous nonsense. You’ll have been all ears to my story and listened when you did not need to. You’ve acted as shock absorbers and I couldn’t have survived those humps without you’ll. Chetan and Nikhil thanks for all the laughs and giggles.

Ajay: Thanks for making me sound ohh-so-awesome! Heh, as we discussed yesterday – your presence is irreplaceable. Shine on.

Ruch: You reappeared after a long gap of over 6 years but trust me, within 6 months, I’m sure we have covered up for all that lost time and space. I love every second that I talk to you and I love the crap we talk. You make me smile without any efforts and I dont need to think twice before talking to you. Thanks for all the ‘pings’ and thanks for not waiting to be ‘pinged’  ^5 and you rock… like a crazy mad girl should!

Smikh: There is little that I can say or talk about you cause you know, its difficult to share you *winks* but then, here’s a little piece of you that is for keeps and I feel humbled that I have you as my friend. I wouldn’t go so far as to say that you have been amongst my best friends cause I do not understand that concept. But then, I’d like to point out that you’re not one of my ‘special friends’ either. You are more than a friend and that will always remain that way.

Well, thats it with this horrendously long entry. Friendships divine. I sincerely hope things work out for me and I’m hopeful that all this wouldn’t burst open like a soap bubble. I’d like to conclude with the following line from “Smells like teen spirit – Nirvana”. This is for our small little gang from Convergys. This is especially for Abhi, M&S, Sanket and Muiz:

Our little group has always been…
And always will, until the end.

-Anup

The case of the disappearing roach.

I’m fairly certain about a recent revelation which has come through to me from my most recent stand offs with the tiny, dangerous; crawling carriers of disease and death – insects! No. I’m not doing that which I always do – exaggerate. I’m pretty horrified right now because I was in a mood for re-runs and trust me, I’m mad like that! I went on a massive movie troll spread across almost all the genres I could possibly think of and have. Did I tell you’ll that I have around 500 GB worth movies neatly arranged like a library would? I have them classified and organized in folders like – Sci-Fi, Thrillers, Horror, Animation, Crime, Drama, Fantasy, Mystery and Regional. So when I talk about a re-run, it’s usually coherent to the classics and those that we’d all love age-sex-caste-language no bar! That’s a new one I invented a few seconds back. I began with Harry potter, went on to the Matrix and then to Aliens. So you’d probably have guessed that my weekend was full of gore, bloodshed and otherwise violently powerful naked men and women who can do things you and I can’t!! Defines me, doesn’t it?

Anyway, the point here being, somewhere amongst the saga of sadness that my life is, as of now, it’s also a plethora of fears and confusion overflowing with anxiety. So much so that it drives me crazy sometimes. Cause here is where I suddenly discovered that I’m Entomophobic. I have an incessant fear of insects – crawly, creepy, buzzy or otherwise sticky and gross. Simply put, I’d rather die than be touched by a bee. I hate bees! And I certainly am not fond of ants. Mostly because they seem to love the food I love. Yes, I have a sweet tooth. Pretty much the reason why I’m stuck at 84 kgs! Hmmm, or is it 86 now? Arghh! I must do something about the distance I’m covering by virtue of the mass around me.

joe-s-appartment-photo1I noticed this repulsion when I was watching Joe’s apartment and I watched those disgusting brown creepy crawlies do the jiggle. It was undoubtedly one of the funniest movies I’ve watched but I got so grossed out by it that I decided to switch to Aliens which as you’ll might know had giant roaches. I think this is a more recent development. I’ve watched these movies before and I’ve loved them. But then, I think I’m just pissed at all those ants; those 8 shaped whiskerous doormats who never give up. I mean, it’s true that they inspire me. They are perseverant and they don’t give a fuck about how big I am. They’re bold and wouldn’t think twice before sipping off the tea that I’m drinking or basking in the glory of all the crumbs I drop. I’m quite pissed about how they invade my privacy. My bed is my place; I really can’t stand them there. So after repeated attempts at finger-kicking, squishing and tormenting, I’ve finally given up and thereby given birth to this fear. The fear is most brutal as I climb into my bed after a tiring day. I spend around 20 minutes dusting and re-tucking my sheets in. Uncovering my pillow and checking for stray ants. Ears are sensitive organs, you know? Thousands of rupees spent on room-fresheners and insect repellers. Ok, now that was me exaggerating. I’ll settle for hundreds. So, yes, hundreds spent on keeping these pests away – but they continue to delve and thrive in my fear. Good for them. I recently spotted a genuinely large 6 legged spider weaving a poisonous web near my geyser. I had to beg my maid servant to get it out of my sight. She graciously agreed to play squish squash with it as I observed with glee! Heartless, I know, but then; arachnids scare the shit out of me, which is ironical because I’ve been constipated for the past 3 days after deciding to eat some titbits the maid servant cooked up.

Roaches. I’m sure these are the most tolerant, dirty, shameless, ugly and otherwise repulsive creatures EVER! They’ve lived before us and I’m sure that they’ll turn into the dominant species once we’re wiped out. Either by an Armageddon bought down upon us by god or by uhm, well, World War III? Personally, I’d prefer falling rocks of fire and lightening. That’d be a more celestially beautiful method of destruction. I sincerely hope it isn’t some sort of a plague. Considering the increase in the amount of pests around me, I’m preparing for the worst. Here’s where it suddenly hits me that I’ve strayed off topic and this is precisely why I’ve laid the book to rest for now. I don’t want myself running all over it and making mincemeat of all the hard work I’ve put in for over the past year and more.

So I saw this huge roach perched menacingly atop my wooden treasure full of clothes I dearly love. I froze for a second; aghast at the size of the winged blattodea. It sat there unperturbed and I thought it was staring at me and this aggravated me. I wanted it dead. I ran to the kitchen as fast as I could and grabbed the broom which is a perfect weapon of destruction when it comes to these defiant little creatures. They just refuse to die, if you might have observed. You squash them all you might – they have no blood and they seem to sustain almost all your blows. But I had made up my mind and I wasn’t going to let this one slip away. I raced back and found it awaiting its death. I smiled as I approached it, weapon raised and ready to strike. It flinched a bit as it felt the whoosh of the broom but it didn’t budge. WHACK!! The broom did land on it and I swear to god that it did. There was no way in hell it could have gotten out of that massive onslaught. I kept the broom stuck to my cupboard hoping to let it suffer for a while before it finally falls dead. I then slowly let the broom slid off and hoped to find a dead bloodless body. Here’s where I lost track of time and stood there, lost in thought. There was no sign of it. It vanished. Into thin-fucking-air! I desperately searched the entire room. The contents of my cupboard got transferred to the hall (where it is, to this date!) I then moved my bed over to the hall, my computer, my table, the buckets and the cups. I evacuated the entire room and the hunt lasted for several traumatizing minutes. All my efforts were in vain; a futile attempt at getting closer to a creature so smart that it’d demand your respect. I bow to thee, Ohh brown winged menace. But I promise, the next time I see you staring at me… well, you know what I’ll do to you! Pfft.

In other news, I’m going to be travelling a lot this month and like I’ve mentioned before, I love roadtrips and long bus rides are relished. I’m going to Pune on the 9th and I’d be there up to the 14th. I got an extra day’s leave since its Vishu; the mallu new year and mom was adamant on keeping me home that day. This vacation, courtesy Good Friday and Easter that’s coming up and the British clients I work for have graciously agreed to give us all 4 days of peace. I can’t begin to express how thankful and appreciative I am. Much needed break. Add to that, my new house is ready. At Kerala this time; his final house, dad laments and I’m sure that there’d be no more. We have a Puja scheduled for the 30th of this month and I’m hoping to drive down to Kerala again. It’s going to be fun cause this time I’d be doing it alone. That’s about it. No further updates. Peace out.

-Anup

An unhealthy vacation.

Its clumsy, sad and pathetic that I’m going to miss out on a short stint at Pune because of a really terrible Viral fever which has kept me bed ridden throughout the last 5 days and threatens to get worse if I dont get my hands on that miracle drug. I can doctor myself well, I think. The paediatrician who treated me decided that he knew my age and scribbled in a dose of antibiotics meant for a two year old. Here I am shivering with fever, cold and other very vile ailments and all he manages to prescribe was three times a day of Paracetamol, some other tablet for the itch in my throat which is still there and then finally the antibiotic. 8mg tablets; three tablets, one each day. Seriously doc? Whats up with you? I’m huge and I’m very much into Betnelan, Roxid and others which have been coming through to me at more than 250mg at the rate of three tablets a day. Whatever you call it; thats the kinda dose that cures diseases. I’m fucked here, you see? God damn it! I’ll have to go talk to someone else tomorrow if I don’t feel better. I’m kicked and I really need to sleep some more. But then, I’ve been sleeping for the past five days and I smell like a bear out of hibernation. Kinda sick. Ohh, and why a children’s doc? Well, thats the best I could find within a 5km radius of my house and I seriously need help.

I’ve been like this for the past four days now and its given me a lot of time to think, read and sleep. I’ve been sleeping most of the time and I haven’t come up with anything remotely productive or creative. I’m kinda stuck at a point in my book where the story is a bit too real to narrate and I’m in a dilemma. Should I or should I not? Tell the story as is. I’ve inculcated a lot of fiction but there are parts of your story that you just cant add or subtract stuff and you really want to blurt out the real deal; well, its in a slump for now. I’ll get back to that later. For now, I had this thought in my head where I began wondering about myself. Again? Yeah, I do that quite a lot. Guess I dig into parts of me that’d be best left alone and then I brood. I thereby become incorrigibly gloomy and I look and sound like one of those hopeless beggars on the platform of Pune railway station. Well, not exactly. They’re pathetic. I’ve wished so many times to help them and wished for everyone to have everything that all of them desired. Let no body be poor and let no one beg for food! Some of my sumptuous dreams.

I ended up asking myself if I’d want to be reborn as me – Anup, again. Assuming of course, that we humans have a chance to live again across life itself and across multiple dimensions. I thought about one of those flop movies I loved so much – Suryavansham. Yes, it had Salman Khan doing the whole Punarjanam* thing. Punarjanam – Reincarnation. Ideally, its not reincarnation that I’m talking about. Its about me being born again as me. The same guy, no change. Born into a different social society (GOD YES!!) else I’d die of boredom. And lets assume that I suddenly have a stroke of luck or a heavenly voice tells me the entire story of the me prior to… you know… ME?! Duh… I’m dragging this, am I not? I’m just trying to type down whatever it is that came into my mind today and it had to be AS IS! So, do I want to be me; AGAIN? Well, No.

Its not like I hate myself and the way I am. Or its probably more of that and less of the other findings that I’m going to sermonise. Its kinda sad that I feel this way but haven’t we all had those seconds/minutes or hours (in my case) in our lives where we’d want to be someone else? Not temporarily, but forever? Like change into a new prototype. An Anup v2.0 if you may. Enhanced, less complicated but more efficient and highly distinctive. I’d like a few changes. A few is an understatement to the amount of changes I’d need in me. Simply put, I’d just want to be a different me but still knowing that its me. Capable to differentiate between the old me and the new me. Get my point? I know its a shallow thought, but I really need that. For example, I want to lose ten kgs. I don’t need a perfect body, but I’d like to be more presentable. I’d like my face to be altered a bit. Just yesterday, I had this kid (who was trying to play holi with his friends) drench me with his water bottle as I slowly dragged myself to the tea shop for some hot tea. I was mad at him but not mad enough to want to see him curl up and die. But then, he said something which ticked me off. He said, “Sorry uncle…!” What the fuck, kid? I’m 25, alright? I hope you curl up and die. Touchwood. I know its not going to happen. God has been good with me that way.So, yes, I’d like to live my age. I’d like to unlove my dreadful experience with love. I hate it so so much. Infact, if none of the other changes take effect, I’d at least pray for this one to happen. Kinda like in the movie “Eternal Sunshine of a spotless Mind” take all those memories out! Be reborn with all the firsts. The first time I said “I love you…” the first kiss and everything else. Yup, come to think of it now, this is THE ONLY change I’d want to see if I be reborn as ME!

Now I know that most of the above diarrhoea of words would seem like tantrums thrown by a kid with a broken heart, but its more than that and I know that no one gives a fuck, but thought I’d rant anyway. Its been an unhealthy vacation thus far.
-Anup

The drama called life.

We’ve heard this so many times – Life’s a bitch! People casually talking about life as if they know what it is all about. Now, I’m by no means indicating that I’m out of the crowd here. I’m just as self-righteous as all those stupid-ass mortals who think they know what life is and brag about how sad they are for not being closer to god. Just so that they can brown-nose him into a life on a bed of fluff. You know what amazes me the most? People. Everything about all these people around me. Some in real life, some on TV and on all those series and sitcoms I watch. Somehow, their life seems to be all full of drama. How do they have all this drama? Do we really have all this drama to life? Seriously, isn’t it so easy to live? Be happy, smile, be friends, not be rude and most importantly be a nice human being. How difficult is this? I think it’s easy, but what we humans live for is the spice. We don’t want to eat tasteless food now, do we? You’d want it to be right on salt, chilly, pepper and be as spicy as possible. And the spice; which is drama in this case comes into life when you start feeling its bland – tasteless.

I tend to observe people and I manage to not attract their attention somehow. I don’t quite know if this is a good thing, but then people seem to be so oblivious of me being next to them, observing them, looking directly into their eyes, studying them and sometimes even snooping into what they say. Mostly, I wouldn’t make head or tails out of whatever it is that they speak, but I still love eavesdropping; especially if its people I don’t know remotely. Listening in on women chatter is very fruitful I might add, they think they know a lot and they think being a woman is the most difficult thing ever. Sometimes, in some women; I can distinctly smell a sense of superiority a superlative magnetism around them. An aura so strong that it deflects me away from them, just wanting to run away. Cause in my eyes, their reason for existing ends when they radiate the nothing that we all are. We are all nothing without each other. I wonder how it is that people don’t understand our binding. I am bound to the world and thus I’m bound to each and every human being on it. You need me just as much as I need you and there is no running away. But I try running anyway. Speaking of which; the MNS drama which happened recently in Maharashtra. What was that? I mean, what the fuck is he thinking? You think you can drive us away from where we live Mr. Thackeray? That’s our land just as much as its yours and we’ve lived there since times immortal. This is my country and you are a no one. Hear me? You’re a no-one and you’re not telling any one of us about where we can or cannot come! Do whatever the fuck it is that you want. You or your minions don’t scare me. Thats my land and I’m going to stick.

Going back on the drama bit – I thought about dramas and about how weird they are because of a couple of incidents. The first being the part where the drunk wife beater came back and this time he bought along some real nasty men. He nearly broke into the docs house but that’s when the watchman convinced him that there was no one home and it’d be pointless. This time I chose to listen in on the drama from within the safe walls of my room and it still sounded scary. Especially since Chetan scared the shit outta me the other day after knocking on my door and not answering my “Kaun hai?” question. My knees trembled for a full two hours after that. Mostly because of this and partly because I went with the guys for a drive in Ajay’s car when he was kinda high. Drunk people, however sweet they be scare me. Not that they’d physically harm me but you never know what they’d say. They have no emotional control and neither can they control what they think or talk so it kinda gets difficult if something I don’t want to hear falls out and I really did not want that. Somehow, that was wrapped up! Anyway, I thought about how inconsiderate people can be and about how money and power corrupts you and your thought process. This guy sounded like an educated guy with a very potty mouth and that disturbed me a lot. Then again, I was having breakfast at Adigas as usual and I had asked for Onion dosa. This usually takes more time that the rest and I stood by the counter; lost in some sort of a day dream when I noticed someone staring at me. Ever had that feeling where if you try hard enough and stare hard enough at someone even from behind them, they seem to turn back to look back at you? It’s happened to me and sometimes it seems like countless dejavu’s at the same time. It’s an awesome feeling when you get someone to look at you just by staring at them. I try doing this once in a while, but in this case I noticed this girl staring at me and it was not like a “ohh-what-a-hot-guy” stare (I look miserable and fat in my night clothes) and neither was it a “Ewww-ohh-no” look (I don’t deserve that for sure) it was more like the “Hmmm-do-I-know-you?” look and she seemed like someone I know or had seen before. I smiled because it was an awkward deadlock-in-the-eye situation. You know like when you’re staring at some girl’s boobs and she’d notice you? Well, no. Not that situation. You’d usually get the “Fuck you!” look back from her then. This was more the out the blue “do-I-know-you” stares from the both of us and I unknowingly smiled. Common courtesy, nay? She didn’t smile though. She lurked in the distance for a while trying to eat whatever it was that she seemed to be eating. It was more like she was swallowing food to avoid the hassle of chewing it. She had this thin, very frail, almost fragile body structure and was as tall as I am. This part of the story ends here.

The next part is more of a dialogue after I heard my bell ring today afternoon during my after work relaxation hours when I don’t like being disturbed. It’s been Greys Anatomy time for me and I love my time of peace. *Bell rings and I open the door*

Me: (Looking at the same girl, almost with the “what the bleep” look!) Yes?
She: I’m sorry, I wanted to talk to you today morning itself, but you were in a hurry.
Me: Hi, do I know you?
She: Yes, I live two floors above you. We shifted a month back and you might remember us from the truck parked in front of the gate because you created a commotion since you had to leave for work and that truck had our stuff in it.
Me: Ahhh, alright. I remember the mallu uncle. We had a small talk.
She: Yes, that’s my dad and his shirt is in your balcony *sheepish look* and he didn’t want to come talk to you.
Me: Ohh, no problem, let me go get it. I rarely go to the balcony so I wouldn’t have noticed.

I get the shirt, hand it over to her and she leaves after a quick round of profuse thankboration. I was so bored because she thanked me a bit too much. A simple “thanks” would suffice, you know? So my question here is simple, why the drama in this case? Just come over and ask me to get the shirt and I’d do it. What was she thinking? That I’d not return the shirt cause of my history with her dad? History? crap! I just asked him to get the truck outta my way cause I was late to work. Hmm, do I look like spice to you girl? *sigh* Just ask, kapiche? I watched a few movies. Disgifured and Dance of the dead are stuck to my head. I hope the lousy feeling these movies gave me wears out soon. Funny, but I failed an aptitude test this week and I gotta answer a repeat tomorrow. So, I’m thinking on lines of a good nights sleep. Also, I had a chance to write about my favorite character – Barney Stinson. I’m going to end with him –

So say hello to Barney Stinson! The ever so charming, enigmatic, magnetic and still higher on class and style kinda guy who isn’t someone you’d spot on a regular basis. He’s surely not someone you’d find idly squatting flies in a main street coffee bar. He’s the kinda guy you’d find hitting on single twenty-two something chicks but not in some random bar. You’d find him only in McClarens! Ohhh and the part where I spoke about single woman is not entirely true. Any twenty-two year old chick is what he’d want me to write about him. He’s one of the royals, chiefs if you may, of the endearing circle of Caucasian blonde men who can bag a girl by putting her down; sometimes even after calling her a filthy whore and sleeping with her mother. Now, ain’t that legendary? 

Barney
Barney

Barney’s glow is an aura you can feel from a distance. The halo above his head is deadly red. It’s a clear pointer to the fact that within him resides a mythical creature so nasty that it’d devour you but you wouldn’t die. You’d just be reborn with some awesomeness added on. He is advisor to many youngsters who dream of jumping into the invigorating world of promiscuity and binge drinking. The one thing he really hates is marriage and commitment. Don’t marry for as long as you can is what he’d say. If you are feeble and cannot control your disease which limits you to emotional dysentery for a particular girl/boy that’s the only time you may even consider about getting engaged and thereby married, which again is not advisable until you hit the plum age of 30 and this is for men. For women, if you touch 30, you’ve touched your official “Ohh-no!” moment and you’re nothing but garbage. For men, that’s the age where you are at the pinnacle of physical attractiveness. His ideas are revolutionary and they’d not only make you giggle but also excite you beyond your wildest imagination.

Some of his achievements in the areas of being a womanizing dude maestro include but are not limited to the following:
– Discovery of the Vicki Mendonca diagonal formerly known as the hot crazy scale. This means that a girl is allowed to be crazy as long as she’s moving up the hot scale. Simply put if she’s an 8.5 on the crazy scale, she’d need to be a 9+ on the hot ruler. Else, she’s out and you need to throw the hook for fresh fish. If you tend to ignore the scale, you’ll just stink in the end and trust me, this has been proven time and again by Barney.

– Barney, unknown to many is the mystical BRO who wrote the BRO CODE! Bro code is a set of rules for bro’s who hit on women together in random bars or any street that you’d like. Bro’s are governed by these rules and the code is a death line. There are no government laws governing the way in which bro’s function and thus an able man had to step up and write a book of codes. A couple of rules: A bro shall at all cost inform a mutual bro on the occasion of a girl fight and of course the golden rule No sex with a bro’s ex.

Barney usually drops his knowledge about women, sex, money and power to four of his closest friends; Ted, Lily, Marshall and Robin. Most importantly, he isn’t like you and me and that’s precisely why they call him “The Barnicle” he is different because you’d never see him in Shirts, t-shirts or jeans and trousers. Barney dresses like a hunter, a hungry lion and he hunts in suits. He suits up to get laid and he does it in style. Secondly, while guys like you and me would hide our porn, he has them neatly arranged and lit; in red again and he’s proud of his sexuality! After all that we know about him, it’s the usual tendency of people to bend towards sympathizing for all those self-loathing idiotic girls who ever slept with Barney, but the real deal is – he doesn’t hurt anyone. He makes his intensions crystal and that’s not even solid by the way, but the women still seem to get his point. His apartment isn’t a place to leave a toothbrush or lingerie behind and neither should you curl up and sleep more than your usual 12 hour sex visa, 14 if you qualify for multiple entry. Like I said, Barney is a visionary and the lemon laws he makes is going to change the world some day.

Finally, the grey part but the most important reason to Barney’s amazing demeanor is the fact that you’d never get a chance to get him feeling low or sad. His usual take on this is, “When I feel sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead, true story!” This very take on life multiplies his awesomeness and yes, he is a force to reckon with! High five to Bimbo’s, Scotch and suits, or so he’d say.

-Anup