Musebox 26

As another chapter in my life comes to an end; well, not actually to an end but its a fresh new start to an already ongoing chapter which was full of a stagnant, smelly, pathetic excuse of an essential experience called love or so it seemed like a mirage on a hot summer day in deep deserts. What I’m talking about is the fact that I’m shifting base. Since I said I would talk about it before I leave. Here’s an official announcement – from the looks of it, I’d be travelling to this hot, mid eastern country called Dubai and I’m hoping to have a fresh new shot at life devoid of the ghosts of my past that seem to haunt me mercilessly. I’d be working as a Microsoft consultant for XYZ Ltd. and I’m praying for all this to NOT be a dream, if you know what I mean? Dates would remain unannounced for now but yes, I’d be moving out very soon and I’m excited.

I think I need to excogitate a sane way to make more friends and be more socially interactive. On a more seriously plausible note, I’d like to be more approachable and calm. Its a new place and its a golden opportunity to restart, a place where no one knows me and I know no one. Its going to be fun! This thought came to me as I mulled over a lazy afternoon full of activities that I was trying to avoid. For example, the moving guys came today and took away all of my beloved household items. This left my flat in a state of disarray. I was supposed to go sort things out and pack up the remaining bits and pieces but then I did not. I just stayed at home (at Radha aunty’s) and brooded on endlessly. Sometimes I hate my incorrigible mind. I try hard to control the rampant self-loathing bozo that I am but I have failed miserably and thats pushed me more and more into the corner. I wonder why I chagrin myself like this? Guess it’d be easier to just dig a hole and take cover. Wish I were a coward. Anyway, where is this pointless ramble going?

Musebox 26 is to discuss my achievements and losses over the last 1 and a half years; considering all of that to be part of the same legendary story that I have lived thus far, post Convergys. I thought I’d talk about my gains and my losses and the list is long. Therefore, I’ve come up with just one section of the entire agenda, which in itself is a mammoth task. I thought I’d discuss people. Yes, I am a feeble mind. Who gives a fuck about what you think anyway? I’ve always wanted to discuss the people in my life but I thought I’d let it wait and simmer. I will probably re-model it into the People section one fine day but for today I wish to talk about a few very influential people who have been substantially involved through most part of my previous chapter. I’d like to take this opportunity to thank each and every one of them for their consistent efforts in bringing my life to the perfect harmony of untamed thoughts that it is, as of today. The big deal is, I’ve escaped the tornado with just a few bruises and cuts and its because of these people.

So the perennial glass half empty kinda guy that I am, let me talk about losses first. I’d like to dedicate the losses section to just two people. M & S. Now its unfortunate that I cannot name people in here but then, I’m sure they’d know if they ever come by. I consider the both of you’ll to be one of the biggest loss’ I have ever experienced. Its been painful, full of remorse and traumatic. I could have never fathomed the possibility of you’ll not being in my life but then it is unfortunate that things ended the way they did and there is nothing in this world that cannot be forgiven. I’d like to make it very clear that I have absolutely no ill-feelings for the both of you’ll and that I wish you all sorts of success in your future together. My belief of people belonging together has been strengthened by whatever has happened over the past year and a half, especially the part involving the three of us. I understand that some things are just meant to be and there is no denying a loss in love. I accept your loss and I wish from the pit of my heart that I be able to move on. The way you’ll have, so easily and without discomfort. I’m in awe of your strong hearts and I sincerely hate those very few seconds where I wished I were like you’ll.

One a more positive note, I have achieved a lot over the last year and a half (now I know that I’ve repeated this a couple of times, but then, what else do I do? I need to emphasize my point here, kapiche?) I’d like to thank the following people in no specific order for the kindness and closeness they have shown and I’m thankful to the power who let me at you’ll. In no specific order:

Sneha: I know that family wasn’t to be involved but then, I hope you know that you are a friend to me just as well. Thanks for being a pillar and thanks for being there through another chapter in my life. I cannot thank you enough. You are one of the most reliable and consistent friends I have ever had and I could not have asked for a better sister. I repeat, thanks a lot.

Abhijit: Abhi, I’m sure you’d love this part; the limelight hogger that you are! I’ve always wanted to do this and I promise to get this done better sometime later next month. But for now, I’d like to say that you’ve been this endearing cushion of friendship, strength, patience and everything else that makes a perfect friend. I’m sure you are a friend to many but I’m glad that I find a spot in your list of wannabe Abhijit Shedge friends! I couldn’t have reached this far sanely without your help and phone calls which have been so consistent that sometimes I thought you were a robot full of love. A sincere suggestion for you though – stop being so fucking nice. Get a fucking life. *winks*

Muiz and Shaista: For the silent presence.

Sanket: For all your ignorance.

Nikhil, Chetan and Ratheesh: I’m sorry for clubbing you guys in together, but then all of you’ll have been of prime importance in the very same role and thats all that I’d be glorifying in this session of continuous nonsense. You’ll have been all ears to my story and listened when you did not need to. You’ve acted as shock absorbers and I couldn’t have survived those humps without you’ll. Chetan and Nikhil thanks for all the laughs and giggles.

Ajay: Thanks for making me sound ohh-so-awesome! Heh, as we discussed yesterday – your presence is irreplaceable. Shine on.

Ruch: You reappeared after a long gap of over 6 years but trust me, within 6 months, I’m sure we have covered up for all that lost time and space. I love every second that I talk to you and I love the crap we talk. You make me smile without any efforts and I dont need to think twice before talking to you. Thanks for all the ‘pings’ and thanks for not waiting to be ‘pinged’  ^5 and you rock… like a crazy mad girl should!

Smikh: There is little that I can say or talk about you cause you know, its difficult to share you *winks* but then, here’s a little piece of you that is for keeps and I feel humbled that I have you as my friend. I wouldn’t go so far as to say that you have been amongst my best friends cause I do not understand that concept. But then, I’d like to point out that you’re not one of my ‘special friends’ either. You are more than a friend and that will always remain that way.

Well, thats it with this horrendously long entry. Friendships divine. I sincerely hope things work out for me and I’m hopeful that all this wouldn’t burst open like a soap bubble. I’d like to conclude with the following line from “Smells like teen spirit – Nirvana”. This is for our small little gang from Convergys. This is especially for Abhi, M&S, Sanket and Muiz:

Our little group has always been…
And always will, until the end.

-Anup

Pristine

The other day I decided to take a walk. A walk of shame down the rickety rather boulder studded gully next to Radha aunty’s house. I’ve always taken pride in the fact that I’ve managed to earn both money and respect amongst the people who crowd my life. Now I understand that it is because of the enormous luck that I have had aiding me and of course mom’s constant prayers to the boss above. Well, I consider all of them to be equally powerful – luck, mom and god that is. I’ve managed to absorb a lot of data when I was with Convergys and I did consider myself to be technically sound or uhm, technically competent if  you may, for modesty reasons. One of the prime reasons I was successful was because of the want to prove myself to my family, the society and her. For which, I studied, I followed up and I discussed technically challenging conundrums with my peers and was someone who was quickly motivated by challenges. I’d get to the task of eating up on problems and boiling down to conclusions and answers in no time. I was fairly confident of resolving any and every issue that came my way by means of communicating with my colleagues, my seniors and then google. The walk of shame came when I started feeling technically handicapped of late and I feel sorry for myself since I am someone who could have easily accumulated more information than all these liabilities and loan I have pressing down on my like a ceaseless guilt which would hamper your growth and insight.

Anyway, the walk of shame came to and end all of a sudden and to my utter surprise I see her! It was like a strong flicker of sunlight on a day covered by a bicentennial celebration of darkness. It was like a whiff of cold wind on a sultry thursday afternoon full of deadlines that devour your very want to live. It was like a… uhm… no more cause I’d taint that moment. All I’d say that it was magical. Like a drizzle when I wish for it. Sorry, couldn’t stop myself there. I love drizzles, did I ever mention that? I’m madly in love with the rains and I wait for the rainy season ever year and then wish for it to be gone when it turns into a menace. Especially cause I’m more of an indoorsy person and because I’d let a good book take me off to a fantasy land rather than be driven by a senseless rage and urge to spend more. Which is also something I used to do when I thought I was in love. Going back…

Her! I had just cut into this smaller lane out of the badly feet-raped little track which led out of Radha aunty’s place. I guess thats where she lived. She stepped out of her house squealing and giggling. She stood at the door for a while with one feet still inside the house and the other feat rearing her to run out and scream some more. She looked into my eyes and flashed a million watt smile. It was the brightest one I had ever seen and I stood there adoring her innocent face. A breeze caught her attention as it played with a tiny plait of her hair and she stared in the direction of the wind as if requesting it to stop tickling her. Her eyes shined brightly as she gave me a mischievous grin. I smiled at her and stood there, just to see what she’d do next. She sent out a shrill cry cause she couldn’t cross the threshold of her house since there was this high plank which did not allow her to cross over. Here is where I noticed a firm hand grasp her by both her armpits and softly drop her outside and into the verandah. Mom had done what she was supposed to and the little princess in her tattered but clean pink dress went on a dance run, squealing and running with sense of freedom which made me envious of her. She looked beautiful. She was worryless, unperturbed and did not care about who I was. She ran over and stared up at me. I bent down and set her hair right. I noticed her mom observing me and I smiled at her. She had seen me before I think and didn’t say much. I stood there and watched her play. The little bundle of joy. I’d wish to see her everyday but unfortunately for all of us, we grow and so do all our worries.

Its a life altering process; change that is. You wish for change but you are not prepared for it. Aging is a change. Its an unstopable, irreversible, most unavoidable change of them all and I’ve been trying to come to terms with the changes my life has seen over the past year and a half. Here’s another change or a new opportunity if you may which has come my way and I’ve decided to grab it, arms wide open. I’m not sure if I’m right or wrong and I’m freaking out right now but then, there is little I can do. I’ve always been someone who has looked forward for changes and challenges. I’ve been raring to get into some work which appeals to the more intelligent side of my brain and I seem to have a break at something which seems to be awesome! News, from the looks of it and from what I have in hand right now, I’ll be moving out of where I am into a new world very soon. I’d talk about where, when, why and all of that part later. For now, all I need to find out is about how my life would change from the 4th of May. Its been a very difficult decision and I’m looking forward to what has come my way. Will get back with details later. I might be missing for a bit but I’ll get back as soon as I can.

-Anup

Vishuashamsagal*

Mallu’s celebrate their new year on the 14th of April every year and thereby Vishuashamsagal to all you mallu’s out there. I guess I got lucky this time; for I am home this new year and I get a golden opportunity to gorge on all the out of this world kinda mallu dishes that mom would cook up. The menu thus far – Sambar, Mambaya kootan, toran, olan, chakka erisheri and semiya payasam. I guess the mallu’s would relate to the said items more. For the rest, trust me on the fact that its healthy and tasty!

I was in Pune over the last 4 days and its been fun as usual. There’s more to write but I guess I’ll do that later. As of now, I’m waiting for mom to get over with her kitchen related work which is killing her. I did my best to not come in her way but then she’s so huggable. I’ve been stuck to her since the time I came. She’s been annoyed since morning since the milk went bad and she currently has no milk to work with. The payasam needs her love and I’m dying to taste some.

Damn! I’m so bored. I don’t even want to write this… but then, its like I thought I HAD to write. I’m in a weird state of mind. Confused and delirious. I hope I get better. This excitement is killing me and I feel uncomfortably numb!

Happy new year to all you mallu’s!

-Anup

The case of the disappearing roach.

I’m fairly certain about a recent revelation which has come through to me from my most recent stand offs with the tiny, dangerous; crawling carriers of disease and death – insects! No. I’m not doing that which I always do – exaggerate. I’m pretty horrified right now because I was in a mood for re-runs and trust me, I’m mad like that! I went on a massive movie troll spread across almost all the genres I could possibly think of and have. Did I tell you’ll that I have around 500 GB worth movies neatly arranged like a library would? I have them classified and organized in folders like – Sci-Fi, Thrillers, Horror, Animation, Crime, Drama, Fantasy, Mystery and Regional. So when I talk about a re-run, it’s usually coherent to the classics and those that we’d all love age-sex-caste-language no bar! That’s a new one I invented a few seconds back. I began with Harry potter, went on to the Matrix and then to Aliens. So you’d probably have guessed that my weekend was full of gore, bloodshed and otherwise violently powerful naked men and women who can do things you and I can’t!! Defines me, doesn’t it?

Anyway, the point here being, somewhere amongst the saga of sadness that my life is, as of now, it’s also a plethora of fears and confusion overflowing with anxiety. So much so that it drives me crazy sometimes. Cause here is where I suddenly discovered that I’m Entomophobic. I have an incessant fear of insects – crawly, creepy, buzzy or otherwise sticky and gross. Simply put, I’d rather die than be touched by a bee. I hate bees! And I certainly am not fond of ants. Mostly because they seem to love the food I love. Yes, I have a sweet tooth. Pretty much the reason why I’m stuck at 84 kgs! Hmmm, or is it 86 now? Arghh! I must do something about the distance I’m covering by virtue of the mass around me.

joe-s-appartment-photo1I noticed this repulsion when I was watching Joe’s apartment and I watched those disgusting brown creepy crawlies do the jiggle. It was undoubtedly one of the funniest movies I’ve watched but I got so grossed out by it that I decided to switch to Aliens which as you’ll might know had giant roaches. I think this is a more recent development. I’ve watched these movies before and I’ve loved them. But then, I think I’m just pissed at all those ants; those 8 shaped whiskerous doormats who never give up. I mean, it’s true that they inspire me. They are perseverant and they don’t give a fuck about how big I am. They’re bold and wouldn’t think twice before sipping off the tea that I’m drinking or basking in the glory of all the crumbs I drop. I’m quite pissed about how they invade my privacy. My bed is my place; I really can’t stand them there. So after repeated attempts at finger-kicking, squishing and tormenting, I’ve finally given up and thereby given birth to this fear. The fear is most brutal as I climb into my bed after a tiring day. I spend around 20 minutes dusting and re-tucking my sheets in. Uncovering my pillow and checking for stray ants. Ears are sensitive organs, you know? Thousands of rupees spent on room-fresheners and insect repellers. Ok, now that was me exaggerating. I’ll settle for hundreds. So, yes, hundreds spent on keeping these pests away – but they continue to delve and thrive in my fear. Good for them. I recently spotted a genuinely large 6 legged spider weaving a poisonous web near my geyser. I had to beg my maid servant to get it out of my sight. She graciously agreed to play squish squash with it as I observed with glee! Heartless, I know, but then; arachnids scare the shit out of me, which is ironical because I’ve been constipated for the past 3 days after deciding to eat some titbits the maid servant cooked up.

Roaches. I’m sure these are the most tolerant, dirty, shameless, ugly and otherwise repulsive creatures EVER! They’ve lived before us and I’m sure that they’ll turn into the dominant species once we’re wiped out. Either by an Armageddon bought down upon us by god or by uhm, well, World War III? Personally, I’d prefer falling rocks of fire and lightening. That’d be a more celestially beautiful method of destruction. I sincerely hope it isn’t some sort of a plague. Considering the increase in the amount of pests around me, I’m preparing for the worst. Here’s where it suddenly hits me that I’ve strayed off topic and this is precisely why I’ve laid the book to rest for now. I don’t want myself running all over it and making mincemeat of all the hard work I’ve put in for over the past year and more.

So I saw this huge roach perched menacingly atop my wooden treasure full of clothes I dearly love. I froze for a second; aghast at the size of the winged blattodea. It sat there unperturbed and I thought it was staring at me and this aggravated me. I wanted it dead. I ran to the kitchen as fast as I could and grabbed the broom which is a perfect weapon of destruction when it comes to these defiant little creatures. They just refuse to die, if you might have observed. You squash them all you might – they have no blood and they seem to sustain almost all your blows. But I had made up my mind and I wasn’t going to let this one slip away. I raced back and found it awaiting its death. I smiled as I approached it, weapon raised and ready to strike. It flinched a bit as it felt the whoosh of the broom but it didn’t budge. WHACK!! The broom did land on it and I swear to god that it did. There was no way in hell it could have gotten out of that massive onslaught. I kept the broom stuck to my cupboard hoping to let it suffer for a while before it finally falls dead. I then slowly let the broom slid off and hoped to find a dead bloodless body. Here’s where I lost track of time and stood there, lost in thought. There was no sign of it. It vanished. Into thin-fucking-air! I desperately searched the entire room. The contents of my cupboard got transferred to the hall (where it is, to this date!) I then moved my bed over to the hall, my computer, my table, the buckets and the cups. I evacuated the entire room and the hunt lasted for several traumatizing minutes. All my efforts were in vain; a futile attempt at getting closer to a creature so smart that it’d demand your respect. I bow to thee, Ohh brown winged menace. But I promise, the next time I see you staring at me… well, you know what I’ll do to you! Pfft.

In other news, I’m going to be travelling a lot this month and like I’ve mentioned before, I love roadtrips and long bus rides are relished. I’m going to Pune on the 9th and I’d be there up to the 14th. I got an extra day’s leave since its Vishu; the mallu new year and mom was adamant on keeping me home that day. This vacation, courtesy Good Friday and Easter that’s coming up and the British clients I work for have graciously agreed to give us all 4 days of peace. I can’t begin to express how thankful and appreciative I am. Much needed break. Add to that, my new house is ready. At Kerala this time; his final house, dad laments and I’m sure that there’d be no more. We have a Puja scheduled for the 30th of this month and I’m hoping to drive down to Kerala again. It’s going to be fun cause this time I’d be doing it alone. That’s about it. No further updates. Peace out.

-Anup