What did I miss?

Yagami light
Can't stop thinking...

 The last few days sped through and I’ve been in a state of idiosyncratic bliss. I’ve been thoughtful and I mostly thought about unnecassary crap. I don’t quite like my affinity to pain and suffering. Somehow, even though I know that I need to get out of the abstract pit of sorrow and troubles that I’ve dug myself into; I just keep digging deeper instead of trying to crawl out. I did try a lot but like I said, I somehow prefer to delve in my self proclaimed fate. Picture a post apocalyptic wasteland where its dead and burning all around you and all you see; to the furthest you can, to event horizon, is nothing but sand. Deserts and more deserts. You wish for a mirage, but even that isn’t coming. You can smell water but each and everytime it turns out to be a desire so strong that it creates illusions you want to believe but something that isn’t true. A desire to be loved, people around you chirping away happily, people who know you and people who don’t co-existing in perfect harmony. Thats what matters, isn’t it? You don’t want to be known by everyone walking on the street. Most of us would want to be known within a small set of people and be loved and considered important. Uhm, well, thats all that I wish for. I have this gut feeling though; a feeling that my best time is over.

Coming back to what really happened over the last few weeks – I had been to Pune for around 5 days. Somewhere right after my birthday. I guess I did talk about it in one of the posts right after my birthday. I was happy on the day I posted that. Mostly because I sang Epiphany infront of a crowd and because almost all the people I considered important wished me on my 25th birthday. Sanket forgot to wish me and a few days later he seemed to humble himself by acknowledging that he had been forgetful and caught up with a lot of work, apparently. In this busy-ness of his he forgot to wish Mank, Abhi, me and even Paresh; his best friend. Well, seriously, I know – women can do this to you. You end up losing up on people who are on your side and who are your friends. People you should care about. But then, who am I to talk about something like this. I’d be a stupid hypocrite if I preach against something I already did, so I’m going to shut up. So, well, I went to Pune on the 5th and I had an awesome time there.

The best part was meeting the new DS batch on the floor. The group of guys I met were part of Abhi’s and Augie’s batch. Augie was super delighted with his career I guess and thats why he ended up giving a treat worth 10 grands. Yes, thats right, 10 fucking thousand. I was aghast at the bill, but then the place was worth it. We had been to this place called Mezza9. Its somewhat like Mini Punjab, but its not a dhaba and this place had class. We sat at this cool downtrodden table with all the chairs we needed and it was real comfy. The lights were perfect and the music sucked. Ahhh, that was expected. The place couldn’t have been perfect, could it? We also had Brian with us. It was good meeting him and talking to him about whats changed in DS/EPS/CVG and he seemed to listen to what I and the others had to say patiently. I’m not sure about what changes he’d be able to bring about, but it felt good when he heard us out. Us included me, Ashwin, Kamal and Ashish. These guys  are the next in line for promotions and all that kinda shit. A bunch of really intelligent guys I’d say. We discussed about the new age politics in the company and about the pathetic set of promotions that had been made based on seniority rather than class, intelligence and grace. It was a silly discussion which later got boring cause Ashwin got high and then sentimental! The whole thing was fun while it lasted.

I then sat down with the new guys to introduce myself to them and thats when I realized that they knew me pretty well. I guess they had heard some stuff about me from Abhi, Augie and the rest. Good things from these guys and I’m sure they must have heard about the nasty stuff from the others. I sure had some fan following in CVG. The fans who carried a negative vibe. These guys were awesome though and they were nothing but fun. I’m not going into names, but this one name I have to mention cause he was practically ripped apart by the rest of his team. This is none other than the 21 year old kid. The glorious flirty mallu – Anoop. Man! He was raped. He took nothing to his heart though and it was all in fun. I enjoyed myself thoroughly and like I told Abhi – thats precisely when I knew why he did not miss us after we left and after the so called gang broke up. He had new people. Guess thats precisely why he wasn’t too keen on coming to Bangalore as mentioned in my testimonial on orkut. I wouldn’t blame him though. Who’d want to leave their hometown and all these good friends for one rather fucked up guy like me? I was never around when I had a girl friend and now I expected him to be around all the time. I’m happy that he decided to stay. At least he has a life now. So, thats that. We ended the treat with a good bye speech by yours truly and I hope it inspired the guys. Thanks for the treat Augie! You rocked while you were there.

I then met Smikh the next day and we saw the movie Jaane tu and I got to spend some quality time with her. Talking about stuff that the both of us liked immensely – people. We gossipped a lot and exchanged gifts. Its her birthday on the 3rd of August and its a special day, you know? Her birthday falls right on friendships day. Ain’t that cool? I had to ask her to keep her hands off the gift before the 3rd. I got gifted with a stunner gift. A philips gogear mp3 player and yeah, it totally rocks. With all the power cuts that Bangalore has, its a life saver for me now. So, yeah that was it. We watched a movie, had tea, malled around a bit and I bade her farewell. It was after this when we had a small incident that I’d rather not talk about, but then, it was weird overall. Somehow, my fault too I must say. I shouldn’t have put Smikh in a picky spot. Sorry for the trouble girly!

I met Muiz and Shaista after this at McDonalds. Here I had another shocker. Muiz switched jobs. He fucking moved to Wipro and guess what? He says he never had time to inform me about him changing jobs. Can you believe that? Seriously? Is there an excuse for not telling me that he had a different job now? He defended himself very callously. Oblivious to the fact that he was being as ignorant as a girl. Anyway, his insensitivity has always astounded me. A cancerian and a 3rd of July born guy like me, but when it comes to feelings, emotions and the taste of food, we are miles apart. He is very different. He actually did not tell me about such a huge career move? Man, I felt like the smallest person in the world when that happened. I have very few friends to begin with and when those few friends treat me like shit, I just suffocate in pity for myself. I mean, whats wrong with people? I consider these to be very important people. I wonder why they’d not treat me right. I don’t ask for them to treat me as friend, but at least as someone who has spend loads of time with them. Hmmm, sigh – I wonder whats wrong with people these days. I would like to second my hypothesis here. There is no love. Friendship is bullshit.

The next day I met Nishant and Unni, my friends from school and we spoke a lot. Career and other things. It felt good talking to the guys. I then attended Nikhils engagement and met a few people I liked a few who I did not. The engagement went well and I got to spend some more quality time with Abhi, Muiz and Bhabhi. After all of this I got to meet Sanket and we kicked his ass for no reason. He knew that I was in town but never bothered to call me. But then here’s the catch – who even fucking cares? I got to meet him and thats what counts. I’m not going to run after people but I’d certainly love to meet them. I met Annie and her mom the next day and we spoke for a while. I then spend the rest of my time amongst family and returned to Bangalore on the 9th. Thats how it ended. During Nikhil’s engagement Abhi gave us some good news. One, he is getting engaged and thats scheduled for the 28th of this month, WOW! Awesomeness and total PWNage. The guy needed a companion desperately. He cannot be alone for gaps in time, you know? He needs people around all the time and this was the coolest thing for him to do. I’m so happy for him. Also, he is getting to go onsite – Copenhagen, Denmark. Ain’t that awesomer? So thats double treat Abhi! I’m going to Pune for his engagement and I just can’t wait. I’ll miss you – the architect, the creator of the Matrix. The guy who decides your fate. Well, thats just about it. I’m tired and I need to hit the gym. PeaceLoveEmpathy,

-Anup

To the yearly rains – I miss you.

I finally convinced myself to shake off the rust that had crept onto my fingers over the last 3 odd weeks. I wasn’t trying to keep myself from writing; but just my usual bouts which did not allow me to hit the keys. Until now that is. I’ve wanted to write ever since I started experiencing power problems! Well, I’m human and every human being has a hole in his heart. We’d always want to talk about whats missing and whats not right. We’d always crib about what makes us uncomfortable and most of us are so used to comfort and leisure that the smallest nano-ounce of discomfort would trigger off a chain reaction which would then force us to ogle out a list of other related woes.

In my case, its the rains! Where the fuck are the clouds? Seriously Zeus; I know you’re a tyrannical god and you rule no hearts. But unfortunately, you rule the skies and you’re the rain god! Where are the rains? If you’re a god, you’d know how the rain makes us humans feel. Especially downright romantics such as myself. I know, I sound like a girl in pink – but do you care? Consider me to be one of those numerous nincompoops you need to provide the rains to. For various reasons, I’d say. We creatures here on earth need water for each and everything.  Our very existence depends on it. Its nearing the end of July and I don’t see it raining anywhere. I mean, what the hell are you waiting for? Give us your fury! Let it rain.

Simply put, the rainy season has arrived with little or no rain clouds and I’m worried about how we’d be able to survive if it continues like this. I need it to rain just like all of us. I wish to see a greener earth. I wish for there to be plenty of food next year. I hope that rain brings us more resources to suck on. The most important one in our case, electricity. Unlike the super powers, we here in developing countries still depend on water for most of our power related needs. So if there’s an upsurge in the demand of electricity, which I’m sure there is; and if its preceded by a monsoon with shortage of water, it’d turn out of to be an irony you can’t laugh at. The situation here in Bangalore is grim. There is no power for almost 3-4 hours a day. Also, what annoys me is the part where they do not declare the power cuts. Why can’t we be more civilized? Like Kerala maybe? There, they have been minimizing power usage since times immortal. 30 minutes of blackout everyday is something thats told to everyone and something thats followed religiously. No one minds it. Out here and over the last 2 weeks; we face power outages every 3-4 hours for like 30-40 minutes and it rips my patience off.

Finally, the main reason I miss the rains. I miss its beauty. I miss the drizzle and I miss the warmth it carries along with all its shivers. Its life I feel and its beautiful. The smell of rain on dry soil… mmm; one fragrance that man couldn’t capture yet. I miss the fragrance too. Its hardly rained! What the hell is going on? I just want it to rain. Apart from this everything is in place and I’m on top of the world. I haven’t been hitting the gym for over 2 weeks. Mostly because I thought my body needed some rest. I’ve kept the dieting tempo up though and have kept away from any fattening food. I’ll hit the gym pretty soon. There are other stories to talk about, but then, those worry me, so I won’t talk about it. Abhi, Muiz, Smikh and everyone else close to me is in line for beginning a new life with someone special. I feel that I’d be left alone. Not that I’m so full of people right now, but then I can at least think about these people now. A few months down the line, I’d be a loner for good. But then, what the fuck? I’ll deal with it too. My apathy towards loneliness keeps on increasing. Being alone doesn’t scare me anymore. Heh.

-Anup

Happy birthday to me!

I don’t feel too different! Hmmm, should I be feeling any different? Don’t know; don’t care. I’m 25 now and I’ve outgrown another year. The world I live in isn’t as godforesaken as I thought it was. Its sweet sometimes and bitter the other times. I’ve learnt that for all the times I feel happy and content – there are gloomy days waiting to be explored. Thats one of gods unsolveable puzzles and no math; no mind can solve the co-relation between joy and grief! I for one, have learnt some very important lessons throughout chapter 24 and I’m going to forget the last 2 years of my life. They have been amazingly joyous at times and killingly painful on other occasions. My gig hence on is going to be limited to include only me and I’m going to make matter out of whatever abstract, invisible rather light sets of beauty I have left around me! Did that make sense to anyone? Uhm, I’m going to make ME matter! I’m important and I’m nice. I’m not what others think of me. I am what I make out of me. I’m going to live life – Mt. Everest size.

I turned 25 yesterday – 3rd July 2008. The celebrations were little but very satisfying. I sang my heart out and I felt good about it. All thanks to Ajay though. He gave me the push I required to walk up and sing. The whole thing was amazing. I’d start off with these pictures:

We visited the beach. It was one of the most satisfying birthdays I’ve ever had cause I sang for myself and I sang the song I love a lot. Ajay arranged it all up with the help of his DJ friend at the beach. He sang a few songs too, which ruled as usual and he then went on to tell everyone present that it was my birthday and that I’d be singing next. Good, I got everyone’s attention and I begin with telling everyone about how naive I am to Karaoke singing and that I’m no good at it; thats when I noticed that people were really supportive of Karaoke and that they wouldn’t mind if I wasn’t as good as Ajay. So sing I did… and it was awesome! Ajay proceeded to sing some more songs and Hemant gave him company with beer. So, overall, a very good way to end my special day and it was very fulfilling. Thanks once again to Ajay and Hemant for being there.

I’m going to Pune tomorrow. Driving down with Fahd and I’m fairly excited about going home. I’m still creeped out about going back, but then, its ok I guess. Its better to face your fears than run away. So, I’d be there upto the 9th and I guess I deserve this break. I wouldn’t be around till then. I’m driving in the rain, so other things are possible too *winks* The ringing of the division bell has begun.

This is a dedication to myself:

Beyond the horizon of the place we lived when we were young
In a world of magnets and miracles
Our thoughts strayed constantly and without boundary
The ringing of the division bell had begun

Along the Long Road and on down the Causeway
Do they still meet there by the Cut

There was a ragged band that followed in our footsteps
Running before time took our dreams away
Leaving the myriad small creatures trying to tie us to the ground
To a life consumed by slow decay

The grass was greener
The light was brighter
With friends surrounded
The nights of wonder

Looking beyond the embers of bridges glowing behind us
To a glimpse of how green it was on the other side
Steps taken forwards but sleepwalking back again
Dragged by the force of some inner tide

At a higher altitude with flag unfurled
We reached the dizzy heights of that dreamed of world

Encumbered forever by desire and ambition
There’s a hunger still unsatisfied
Our weary eyes still stray to the horizon
Though down this road we’ve been so many times

The grass was greener
The light was brighter
The taste was sweeter
The nights of wonder
With friends surrounded
The dawn mist glowing
The water flowing
The endless river

Forever and ever

-Anup

What do you want from me?

So what do you want from me? Here, me (I) is a collective reference to us men and you is a collective reference to the context –  women!

I’ll repeat the question again, just for kicks and so that there is no confusion: What do you want from me? What is it that you need? What makes you happy? Is it love that you need or space is what will fulfill your ever growing desire to be more like us? What do you mean by freedom? What is it that you need independance from? Where do you want to go? What do you want? If you can’t tell me about what you want from me, at least tell me what is it that you want? I’ll help, I’m sure I will. Mostly because I need you and you are irreplaceable. You cannot be subtituted for anything. I’ll do anything that’d make you happy. It’d stay like that forever. I will do anything within my power to make sure that you get what you want. I am supposed to take care of you. I feel you’re tender and that you need to be protected; does that make me a bad person? Does it put me in the gathering of losers you’d call MCP’s? Male chauvinist pigs? How am I a chauvinist when all I do is love you? I’m worried about your cause! Why? Why do you feel the need to reach “shoulder to shoulder” with me? Don’t you understand or is it that you’re blind to not see that you’re way above like you’ve always been? Or is it just that you’re scared to agree that you need live upto the powers given to you!? Do you find it difficult to accept that you’re a woman? You’re the reason my heart beats! Troubles you ehh?

I was talking to Pooja 10 days ago when I was at Ajay’s and she began her conversation like this, “Hi Anup! How are you? Are you still the same old sexist bastard?” What I think about women and what most good men think about them is as I’ve mentioned above. I think of you as a precious flower. I describe you as being tender, calm and beautiful. You’re fragrance and your voice; they rule my life. What I don’t understand is about your apathy towards what I feel for you! I’ve always wanted to write about this and I always avoided it cause I was worried about how it’d affect your sentiments, but I’m not worried anymore – I need to know. For fucks sake, what is it that you want?

I’m insensitive if I walk away and don’t listen to you. I’m not loving if I don’t buy you expensive goods. I’m not a good companion if I don’t display my affection. I don’t understand you and your ambitions if I ask you to stick with me. The other way around – I am intrusive if I ask you a lot of questions. I’m being fake and I’m hiding something if I buy you expensive gifts. I’m being horny if I display my affection. I don’t care about you and I’m not worried about missing you if I ask you to carry on with your career. I cannot expect anything from you; that’d make me demanding. And finally, you’d consider me to be a good companion only if I be able to share you with your friends and mine? How does this justify anything? What is all this?

What the fuck is wrong with you’ll huh?! To begin with, I’m not a sexist bastard. Infact, I’m nowhere close. I’m just a confused soul who happened to meet a few women who turned out to be animals I couldn’t care for! Ohh yes, most of you’ll would ask me to save this crap for a mammal that cares. Well, I’m a mammal that cares and I’d like to make myself clear about what I feel. TRY and understand the world around you. The world around you is something YOU made out of it. You procreated. You have been given the power, ohh yes, the biological weapon to create more like you and me! Now, isn’t that what god does too? So how is it that you don’t see where you stand? How and why would you want to lower yourself down to where I am? I am way below you, why don’t you see? I look up to you for almost everything I need. You’re the mother, the sister, the wife, the daughter and everything else. You run my life. What more do you want? I don’t understand.

Now I know that this question would probably have been put up by a lot of scholars and answers are still being sought, but I’d like to voice in my own thoughts here, just to let you’ll know that your presence in my life is something I cannot do without. My love for you cannot be quantified. You and me can never be equals. NEVER; forever! Do you read me? We are different. We have been made differently by our common creator and he/she surely had a reason for it. Sex, I assume. Whatever! But however hard you and I try, we cannot just be “human beings” we are two different sexes. Lets try and see simple things and not cry about what we don’t have. Don’t you see what you DO have? Now, I’m talking about a normal class of people and I talk to you as this friendly neighbourhood guy who is confused about your attempts to attain supreme power! I cannot comment on the countless women out there who are being tortured everyday and thats because I don’t have it in me to help them out. There are anomalies and opressive assaholistic men are all over the world. And I cannot better this world. I’m just talking to the class of people who might read this blog. Think about it – what do you guys want?

Yours confused,

-Anup