The rains here!

Rain always puts me in a stupendously good mood. However bad the environmental variables be. The end result is a smile on my face. I mean, imagine me being stuck in traffic for over 2 hours. Ohh yes, thats right, I had my first 2 hour jam after coming to Bangalore. That’d probably be nothing new for most others who have travelled during peak hours here, but for me, this was the first time. Somehow, it didn’t bother me. I couldn’t help keeping the window of my car open and watch the rain. It used to pour heavily sometimes and get my sides all wet, but I just couldn’t pull up the glasses. The fragrance of wet mud is amazing, isn’t it? Ohh and the sound of rain beating against the roads, the cars, people and other objects, it sounded like music to my ears! Overall, as usual, rain put me in a mixed emotional spot. A spot that had nostalgia, pain, joy and most of all hope.

I couldn’t stop myself from thinking up:

Speak to me in a tongue,
Only few understand,
Oh heart of hearts;
Oh soul of souls.

It matters little,
That no one knows,
Oh heart of hearts;
Oh soul of souls.

And we tread barefoot, you and I,
Our soles wet with dew,
Cast from a dream, a pleasant lie.

And I will dream again and die,
To live another dream with you,
Until the next we meet,
In my heart of hearts;
My soul of souls.

Well, I ended up missing all my friends. I missed all the people I loved and had left behind. I felt guilty and sorry for all the bad that I did and I felt like apologizing to people for the bad that I did to them. I haven’t thanked God enough for keeping me alive as of yet and I must visit the temple. Its not necassary to do it cause I call myself an Agnostic. Hrmphhhh, I’m not. I’m a believer. I sent out an email to Johnson and Priyanka and managed to find the courage I needed to apologize for what I did. I’m not sure if they’d be able to forgive me for what I did, but I did do my part. Once again, I’m sorry you guys. I did not want it to be this way and I’ll miss you. I’m going through another rough patch.

Mom and Sneha are off to Kerala today. I’m going to miss them. I still have to get the songs Sneha wanted and then burn it for her. I’ll do it as soon as I go home today. I have to drop them to the railway station tonight and I don’t even know where the place is. I’ll hire a taxi or something. I may not come to office today; might as well stay at home and get some rest. I need it cause of the terrible headache that I’ve been carrying with me since quite some time now. Monday is the day – I will visit the doctor. I’m shameless mostly; even a public word is breakable, as per me. I’m still the best. Bangalore is awesome and I love the rains. Ohhh and traffic, you can never win over me. I’ll win over you each and every time. I’ll fuckin’ drive over you. Beat that! Peace out \m/

-Anup

Black.

Hey… oooh…
Sheets of empty canvas, untouched sheets of clay
Were laid spread out before me as her body once did.
All five horizons revolved around her soul
As the earth to the sun
Now the air I tasted and breathed has taken a turn

Ooh, and all I taught her was everything
Ooh, I know she gave me all that she wore
And now my bitter hands chafe beneath the clouds
Of what was everything.
Oh, the pictures have all been washed in black, tattooed everything…

I take a walk outside
I’m surrounded by some kids at play
I can feel their laughter, so why do I sear?
Oh, and twisted thoughts that spin round my head
I’m spinning, oh, I’m spinning
How quick the sun can drop away

And now my bitter hands cradle broken glass
Of what was everything?
All the pictures have all been washed in black, tattooed everything…

All the love gone bad turned my world to black
Tattooed all I see, all that I am, all I’ll be… yeah…
Uh huh… uh huh… ooh…

I know someday you’ll have a beautiful life,
I know you’ll be a sun in somebody else’s sky, but why
Why, why can’t it be, why can’t it be mine??

Another day of sadness? You’d ask. Well, yes. Another day full of the same old crap. I seem to be trapped in a never ending black hole of a lot of emotional whirl winds. Sometimes I feel I’d win over them and the other times, it all seems traumatizingly difficult to bear up with. My head seems to break with pain when things happening around tense me up. I’ve been losing people thick and thin and it worries me. Do I really want to be like this? An annoying freak? I’m not sure. I can’t seem to change myself. I really want to, but things aren’t flowing the way they should and I always end up beginning from ground zero. Sucks to be me, seriously.

I was speaking to Shagufta today and she seemed to be in a ridiculously sharp mood full of ignorance. I knew that it wouldn’t end well and it did not. It ended with me looking like a puppy who wanted to be petted by an owner who’d just kick it anyway! Hrmhphh, weird comparison? Well, no. I’m not sure of why, but when she speaks (Shagufta that is) she sounds as insensitive and ignorant as Smita used to be. It bothers me, but then, what she says is true as well (Shagufta that is). I’m being an ass apparently. Well, dream on! I wasn’t ignoring anyone. I did try to convince her, but then, female minds work in mysterious ways. She just seemed to sound more and more rude with every statement she typed. Like I said, she keeps on turning into someone I don’t know. Hmmm, and yes, no one’s special. Everyone is just as cliche’d as everyone else is. Shagufta did seem to make a point that relationships are never special, they happen and if they don’t work out; move on and shut the fuck up! I get the point, ok?

I’ve been busy with mom and Sneha and thus been unable to visit the gym. Couldn’t help it. I had to spend time with them. So its been around 2 weeks since I worked hard at the gym. I do spend time there, but its just a quickfire 45 odd minutes and not a real workout. Well, thats all that I can afford for now. More when mom and Sneha leave, which is on Friday. I’ve promised them that I won’t be seeing them for the next 6 months at least. I’d need to lose out on my excess fat by then. I’m 86 now. Another 10 more to go, I’d say. Orkut is boring and I’ve stopped sucking up to that place to eat on my bored-up times. HIMYM season 3 is over I assume and thus the wait continues. I’ve stopped IRcing. Mostly because people there are amazingly stupid and I do not wish to explain things to anyone. I KNOW what I’m talking about, alright? So, beat it shmucks. Been stuck on the music of the movie “Jaane tu ya Jaane na” A.R. Rehman is a god when it comes to music. My headache seems to be an all time high and I really, really need to go to the doctor. Uhm, another day in paradise comes to an end and I’m off. Heading home. Games, music, mom and Sneha and then some sleep. Driving home is the bestest thing of them all. Cool breeze rushing into my face – heaven. I’m out.

-Anup

Losing people.

I feel very strongly that I’m heading for a new beginning. I somehow seem to find it easy losing all the people I thought were mine and people I thought I could never do without. Alas! I feel strangely alright when I see them walking out of my life. It seems just right that they left me. I don’t feel like chasing any of them. All I feel like doing is continue and not turn back. I feel like picking up the next movie and watching it. I feel like jogging some more and losing some weight too! Hah. The irony of the situation is, I thought I’d have more friends to talk to when I was losing love (continous present tense) but now when I turn back, I had two or three odd people who just walked behind me, lest I fall and I won’t thank them because if I do, I might lose on their debt. I’d want myself to be indebted to them for all my life. Now, when I’m done and over with me, the lovestruck me, I’m continuing to lose people. People I love and new friends. Its like fate is conspiring against me to help Anup build again! I will. I miss them all and sometimes I feel my eyes getting wet, but then, these days I seem to have the will power and the ability to just get up with a smile and walk away.

I have been suffering from a terrible neck and head ache for the past month and a half. Its the similar kind of pain that seemed to strike when I was playing God of War! It went off by itself and I was hoping that it’d go away this time too, but that isn’t happening and now I’m worried. Sometimes, the pain is unbearable and all I can do is bear up with the pain. Mom and Radha aunty have been asking me to go to the doctor forever now, but I’ve been lazy and I’m broke. The Goa trip and the classes and Pune and other expenses for this month was heavy and all I can think of is for the 30th to come over fast. The pain gets mild once in a while, but it kills when it returns, because thats when it comes on with its entire force. I will visit the doctor once I get my salary.

I had a pretty relaxing weekend. I slept throughout saturday and had fun talking to Radha Aunty, Kuttapi, Ammu, Mom and sister. I sat up the whole night with granny (Radha aunty’s mom) and we gave company to each other like wing-men in a random bar. The only difference being the part where we drank Horlicks for the kick! Totally awesome. I slept at around 5 AM in the morning and woke up at 8 all ready to hit the traffic and take mom and the kids out! I showed mom around HP and she and the kids were were happy being here. I felt proud. Proud about the fact that I’m here and well, thank you HP! Sunday ended with rain. It was awesome; we came back home, me and Kuttapi and played some COD (Call of Duty 4) Ohh! did I forget to mention about the game? Its an awesome one. A must get. I enjoy playing it with Kuttapi and I dozed off after like 1 AM and some random chatting with some random people that I don’t remember now. I think I spoke to Shagufta and it was very weird. I’d rather not talk about it, but then, I seem to say a neverending bye to her that day. Sucked.

Monday, as promised was the day for watching the Tamil flick – Kuruvi which had IlaythalIlayathalapathy Vijay - Kuruviapathy Vijay and Trisha acting. The movie was at 12:45 and we wasted time from 10:AM to 12:45 PM inside forum. Mostly inside landmark and Westside and there seemed to be no problem with passing time as we bought random stuff. I bought all the books of Chetan Bhagat for Ammu since it was her birthday on the 25th. Me and Kuttapi bought T-shirts; same ones with different sizes. Cousins style! We then ate at Transit and the food was good and inexpensive. Weird shit. That never happens inside Forum. I managed to glance at the MacBook slim and it totally rocked. Priced at 91,800 it was an electronic beauty. Anyway, all that being done, we watched the movie Kuruvi. It rocked and the movie made me very very happy. Vijay has lost weight and however much he overacted, it still suited him and yes, he’s my favourite actor; action, comic and romantic. Totally awesome. A must watch for all Vijay fans. I might decide to watch it again, just for his action and the smile. I don’t care if I sound gay, but well…

We got back home and mom came back with me to my flat. The flat needed some cleaning and I wasn’t going to do it on my own or even do it at all. Mom decided to do the clean up job while I watched. The house is sparkling new now and I feel awesome there too! Mom, you’re the best. I spent some quality time with mom talking about home, her sister and other things. She seemed to be disturbed and I thought it’d be better to talk to her once she’s done worrying because talking about the thing that worries her would just get her BP high. I dropped her back home (Radha aunty’s place) and waited for dinner. Its Kuttapi’s 10th class results tomorrow and we’re all anxious about how much he’d score. I have my fingers crossed. Hope he does well. I got to work by 10. Its Memorial day today and its slower than usual at work. I guess I’m going to be done with work in approximately 4 hours more. Thats it then, more in next. The Goa document is over. Will upload it by tomorrow. I’m tired.

-Anup

Sadness.

Today, someone else told me that I just try to hurt myself with what my loved ones have to say about me and to me. It makes me sad to see that people don’t understand their worth. Its sad that they can’t see how important they are/were to me. Its sad that they try to go away whenever I lend my hand. Its sadder that they feel smothered by my love. I’m going to keep it all to myself hence on. I’m going to give birth to a new prototype. Anup v2.0!

Ohhh, you, you and you! You’ll will never hurt me again – NEVER.

-Anup

Weekend.

I’ve begun working on the Goa chapter, but I couldn’t manage to get over it. I’m not sure about why I’ve become like this, but I cannot stick to typing for a long time anymore. Its more like I’m not patient with the keyboard anymore. I wonder why it’d be like that. I used to love the keybee and I could type on it for hours. Well, as a matter of fact, I still type on it for hours, but thats usually when I’m on IRc and typing virtual crap! Anyhoo, I’m nearly done with it; just a few bits and pieces. I’ll make sure it gets added in over the weekend. I did tell Abhi that I’d get it done asap, *sigh* sorry Abhi.

I’m going to be busy over the next week, I sure am! Mom and Sneha are coming over and I’m very excited about them being here. Its going to be a lot of fun. Ohhh and its awesome that Radha aunty and Kuttapi are back; I missed them both a lot. Ammu doesn’t talk much and moreover, I love arguing with the other two, so it’d be awesome with them, mom and Sneha around. I’d pwn them both with some evil Malayalam, Yay!! Ghek. Ahh, yes, thats another reason to get over with the Goa document by tomorrow.

Nikhil leaves Bangalore on Sunday. Its sad that he’d be gone. I was just beginning to know him as a friend and as someone I could waste my weekends with. Hmmm, guess I’d have to make-do with myself. Ratheesh and Avinash are busy souls and I don’t wish to disturb them a lot. No biggie! I can manage with myself. Its 6:30 AM on a Saturday morning and I’m meeting Ratheesh, Nikhil and Zoher for movie and food, or so I hope. I need to grab some sleep. Must rush. I’ll see you’ll next week.

-Anup

Lethargy

Its ruling over me currently. I dont feel like doing anything. Its probably the routine which gets hectic sometimes; work, class and the gym. I don’t get a lot of time to watch tv or watch the sitcoms that I have downloaded. I still manage to watch How I met your mother though as and when its available for download. I’ve watched upto episode 19 and it continues to make me laugh and I’m still very much in love with all the charecters.

I know, I was supposed to write about Goa and I promise to do it tomorrow – no crap this time. I will try hard to knock down the lazy-me ghost that has set into me and give my fingers some exercise. I missed gym yesterday and I wasn’t too happy about it. But then, yesterday was an especially lazy day since I happened to doze off at work and I had just gotten over a severe bout of head and neck ache. Ahh, it has been a tough week for me. The pain was excrutiating at times and it engulfed my head and neck. I knew for sure that this was because of the increase in the number of my myopic lenses. Mom and Radha aunty kept on pushing me to go visit the doctor, but then I knew that the glasses were causing this. Anyway, I got a hole in my pocket and had to keep myself from giving my monthly share home to come up with this:

Glasses

The headache seemed to magically disappear as soon as I put the glasses on and I informed mom about it who seemed to be upset about the part where I did not go to the doctor after she asking me to over the fact that I did not need to go to the doctor and that my headache’s vanished. Women are weird and you cannot deny that. Spoke to Sneha and she’s a constant source of joy to me. She’s on my side always and for her, I’m the best and the coolest. However fat, double chinned or stupid I be. Radha aunty and family are there in Pune now; well at Mahabaleshwar right now. Good for them.

Going back to the part where I’ve been lethargic, there came this time yesterday when I broke all barriers and stepped into a new league of lazy bones. I have my clothes all washed and ready to be used after getting them pressed, but I was too lazy to give them off to the guy who presses clothes and so I did not have anything that I could wear to work – so I bought a couple of new t-shirts. I’m seriously unsure of whats wrong with me. I need to kick myself hard I guess. Guess its a phase and will fade off soon. A quick nip – I’m watching this sitcom (kind of bounces over my head sometimes) called The Big Bang Theory. Must say, I enjoy watching them talk. Their brilliance seems to glorify my ignorance. The book

Finally, I watched “Jab we met” the Hindi movie again. I watched Kareena and Shahid look cute together for the last time and I loved the movie all over again. I’m not sure why, but like almost all the mid-century aunties, I too am in love with this movie and all the expressions Kareena had on her face. Cute. Ohh and I’m reading Chetan Bhagat’s latest book – The 3 mistakes of my life. I’ve just begun reading it and I like it already. I’m sure it’d be as good as his other two masterpieces.

Me as of today!Also, I’m proud of myself as of now, cause I’ve lost around 5.5 kgs! I shouldn’t be bragging about it, but then I’ve learnt that a good diet and a scheduled work out regimen can drastically change your life. Now, I’m not going to make any changes to the way I’m working out or to my diet. I’m going to stick to it for a while and I’m sure that I’ll continue shredding. I began at 92.5 and I’m 87.1 now. So, the progress is outstanding, I’d say and that too in just 2 odd months. I’m happy. Its time for me to hit the gym and leave for home. I won’t type in about Goa as a blog entry. I’d probably include it in write-ups! So, yeah, thats the project in for tomorrow.

-Anup

Discussions.

There’s a lot to write and I’m not sure about what to write and where to begin. Its a long story – Goa. I won’t finish if I begin now and I don’t want it to fall short of a word or an event. I want that entry to be descriptive and complete to every minute details. Thus, I’m going to get it done within the next two days.

A few things to discuss:

1) Season 3, Episode 17, How I met your mother:

Barney got Robin laid. Robin, you suck just as well. You’re a whore; just as well. Why? Cause you have sex with Barney and the first thing you tell him in the morning is, “The moment my feet touches the ground (off the bed that is) THIS never happened” this here is sex. Man, seriously; why? Did you really need it that bad? Alright Anup, cut the crap. Robin, you suck. Ted, you suck as well. Barney, you’re legen…wait for it…. dary! You PWN man. Next bet? Try to get Lily’s ass. After this though, Ted fights with Barney and “breaks up” with him or in his words “outgrows” Barney. Over and above this, he tries to do the I’m not pissed act which he couldn’t carry off. Overall, Marshall and Lily, you’re the best people in that show.

2) Season 4, Episode 8, Lost:

This is going nowhere. I have no clue of whats going on. Someone help me! More turns?

3) Goa:

A lot to talk to about this. Coming up real soon. Also, about how hot Pune is and how much I love vada pav land.

4) The website:

I’m making a lot of changes to the website and I will continue to do so in the next few days. I’ve managed to find a plugin that integrates Gallery2 to WordPress and its awesome. Plus, I finally managed to upgrade to WordPress 2.5.1 and I like the overall feel of it. In more news, Radha aunty and family have left for Pune and they’ll return with mom and Sneha on the 18th. I like that. Abhi started off his new job at Maersk where he has to wear formals with a tie and all; he looked cute on his first day. Met Smikh on the 29th when I reached Pune and it felt great; meeting her and talking to her. We had lunch and we spoke a lot. Gossips and other crap. It was cooler because Abhi was around and for the first time in the last 2 months, I was able to laugh, freely. Felt awesome. These days, I use the Barney theory and it fits me perfectly – When I’m sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead! I have no clue of where Shags is and I’m worried. She doesn’t give a damn, as usual.

Well next up, maybe tomorrow or day after – GOA!

-Anup